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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on September 24, 2007, at 7:18:34
i'm sorry to be so graphic but that is exactly how i feel. i have to jot this down quickly so i can make it to my T appt... maybe i am *trying* to be late? i feel really sick. i do NOT want to talk to him today... it makes me want to throw up. i'm not completely sure why... sort of.. not really... kind of. The thing from school on friday... life stuff.. dwelling on historical stuff... an hour.. yeah, sure, right.
The thing is, as soon as i say "don't even mention Friday" he will say "why not?" And i just smile at him and snark at him for trying to go there anyway.
Avoidance. wtf am i there for if i am going to avoid stuff? It seems like i could find a cheaper way to *not* deal with my issues.
any way. Pups need to piddle. i need to get dressed and get *ss in gear.
on my way to T...
somebody hand me a bucket... blech.
Posted by arora on September 24, 2007, at 7:43:25
In reply to i'm gonna puke, posted by Dory on September 24, 2007, at 7:18:34
Dory-
I'm sure you've already left, so you won't see this until you get home... I hope your session went well, and that your T was sympathetic and understanding.arora
Posted by B2chica on September 24, 2007, at 8:43:28
In reply to i'm gonna puke, posted by Dory on September 24, 2007, at 7:18:34
Hi Dory....
not sure if you left already for your appt. but i hope it goes/went well.i know how that feels. but all i can say is if i throwup in real life i always feel better afterwards....the same thing if you emotionally throwup. which i've done several times in session.
it starts to build...i think your body realizes that you are finally at a place where you can and need to start talking about trauma. and it builds up terribly inside...then it gets kinda bottlenecked. then, soon, it explodes...and better this happens IN session than OUT of session. a safe place.it can be VERY VERY difficult to finally find that release, but maybe think of some ways that might make it easier. everyone is different but sometimes i couldn't physically talk so i would draw out something that signified what i needed to talk about...or i would try to write it out and let my T read it.
sometimes i told him "here it is" and handed him the paper, but told him..."here it is, i want you to read it, but i don't want to talk about it". then when he was done reading it, i would change the subject to something light like stress at work or something... that way it was out, but i didn't have to 'deal' with it yet.
its VERY HARD to:
1.have realization that trauma was real
2.deal with memories
3.feel build of bile inside
4.get it out
5.say it outloud (truly make it real)
6.and actually deal with it...talk about it
7.sometimes it helps to tear it apart...piece by piece of memory.i dont know that any of this is helpful.
but i want you to know that you are going through a VERY difficult time. and i am proud of you that you are seeing T, and trying to get through this. it won't be easy and it usually gets harder before it gets better. but i promise you it WILL get better.and you are with friends here.
Keep Posting!
you are doing great Dory!and i say no matter what happens in therapy today, you should be extra nice to yourself tonight...eat some icecream, fix some nice hot tea, watch a funny movie...take a warm bath or something you find soothing.
(((((((((((((dory)))))))))))b2c.
Posted by Dory on September 24, 2007, at 10:04:44
In reply to Re: i'm gonna puke » Dory, posted by B2chica on September 24, 2007, at 8:43:28
omg... B2, i swear, if i was able to cry i would have. i have not been able to cry in a long time now... but your post was so very moving for me... thank you, deeply, thank you.
throwing up emotionally... i like how you put that. It feels that way. We did end up talking about the "incident" Friday that tied in so strongly to what we had been talking about... the division of self. It really cut me to the bone.. someone at school complained to a mutual friend... complained about the "louder" side of me.. and it hurt so bad... so easily cut down. They all think i can take it because i act so tough and confident. But it is an act mostly. The quiet side hates the louder side and the louder side hates the quiet side... around i go. Either way i end up full of self hatred.
all of this ties into childhood stuff... how i got to be so divided.. not integrated. Painful. Confused. Sad. Can't desscribe in whole sentences.. only words come out.. and not always.
i do write to my T... a lot of it. i post bits and pieces of it here. Sometimes i work out my thoughts here and then write him. SOmetimes i can't give it to him.
Like today... i asked him if he thought it would be useful to ellicite that quiet state.. i can turn the "performance" part on and off in a snap as needed... the off part just being a flat state. But the quiet state, which holds a lot of the feelings, and is key to understanding me and what i have gone through... i can be that way alone... or here... but i can't just *be* that way with someone else unless triggered or under special circumstances... the stage has to be set just right to coax it out.
i know what i need for that to happen... and i told him that. He did think it would be useful to do. But i also told him that i can't ask for what i need, i can't ask for what needs to be there to set the stage. i am too afraid, too ashamed.. rejected, not heard, can't, frightened. no no no. hide. away. no.
see? that is what happens.. i had to stop after the last string of words.. to collect myself and be able to type a sentence again.
i need him to be gentle.. very gentle... he is very good with me, but it is very casual and calm but not emotionally engaged in a way. We connect, but it's not quite what needs to be there for this. He needs to move closer, lean forward or shift his body language... he needs to lower and soften his tone.. he needs to approach me like frightened animal. He needs to approach me as if he could already physically see the pain, fear and shyness. He needs to react as if i had suddenly burst into tears. Gentle, tender. That side of me is so afraid of any sign of rigidity. i need calm tenderness.
can't ask for that. can't.
oh god. what do i do?
> Hi Dory....
> not sure if you left already for your appt. but i hope it goes/went well.
>
> i know how that feels. but all i can say is if i throwup in real life i always feel better afterwards....the same thing if you emotionally throwup. which i've done several times in session.
> it starts to build...i think your body realizes that you are finally at a place where you can and need to start talking about trauma. and it builds up terribly inside...then it gets kinda bottlenecked. then, soon, it explodes...and better this happens IN session than OUT of session. a safe place.
>
> it can be VERY VERY difficult to finally find that release, but maybe think of some ways that might make it easier. everyone is different but sometimes i couldn't physically talk so i would draw out something that signified what i needed to talk about...or i would try to write it out and let my T read it.
> sometimes i told him "here it is" and handed him the paper, but told him..."here it is, i want you to read it, but i don't want to talk about it". then when he was done reading it, i would change the subject to something light like stress at work or something... that way it was out, but i didn't have to 'deal' with it yet.
> its VERY HARD to:
> 1.have realization that trauma was real
> 2.deal with memories
> 3.feel build of bile inside
> 4.get it out
> 5.say it outloud (truly make it real)
> 6.and actually deal with it...talk about it
> 7.sometimes it helps to tear it apart...piece by piece of memory.
>
> i dont know that any of this is helpful.
> but i want you to know that you are going through a VERY difficult time. and i am proud of you that you are seeing T, and trying to get through this. it won't be easy and it usually gets harder before it gets better. but i promise you it WILL get better.
>
> and you are with friends here.
> Keep Posting!
> you are doing great Dory!
>
> and i say no matter what happens in therapy today, you should be extra nice to yourself tonight...eat some icecream, fix some nice hot tea, watch a funny movie...take a warm bath or something you find soothing.
> (((((((((((((dory)))))))))))
>
> b2c.
>
>
>
>
Posted by Dory on September 24, 2007, at 10:07:53
In reply to Re: i'm gonna puke, posted by arora on September 24, 2007, at 7:43:25
> Dory-
> I'm sure you've already left, so you won't see this until you get home... I hope your session went well, and that your T was sympathetic and understanding.
>
> arorayeah, i'm reading now...after the appt. It did go well... if you mean i didn't actually puke and we connected ok. He really is such a good guy. He is very skilled i think. He really is exploring this division and how it works. It's hard for me though.. it makes me afraid..
thank you for thinking of me. it means a lot. more than you know. i always feel people dislike me or worse. support goes a long way with me.
thank you
Posted by B2chica on September 24, 2007, at 13:01:04
In reply to Re: i'm gonna puke » B2chica, posted by Dory on September 24, 2007, at 10:04:44
awww (((((dory)))))
i understand about your 'sides', not liking each other.
my little one is scared of my 'teen', and teen wants little one to die-thinks she's stupid and crybaby.
then 'I' hate both of them for even being around, and start to wonder why i'm even still alive....it's a TERRIBLE snowball of self-hate.
but i think i learned to hate myself at such an early age...old habits die hard right?
-but this too is something that needs to be worked on. to accept these sides, and that these sides are all pieces...LEGITAMATE pieces of you that deserve love and respect and understanding.and ooooohhhhh do i understand about the 'pretender' inside. i think everyone does this to a degree. but i think it can get more exhausting for us, since we sometimes 'pretend' even with ourselves.
>>"i know what i need for that to happen... and i told him that. He did think it would be useful to do. But i also told him that i can't ask for what i need, i can't ask for what needs to be there to set the stage. i am too afraid, too ashamed.. rejected, not heard, can't, frightened. no no no. hide. away. no."
A-HA!!! but you TOLD him THAT! GOOD JOB!
that is SUCH a great first step!
once you tell him you can't ask...sometimes T's learn to ask or probe to find out what you need. and soon Dory you WILL be able to tell him what you need....
sometimes i will say it like i'm reading a report :) ..."i want to tell you i need xx, but i don't want you to know it"....so it's out but i didn't actually tell them i needed ANYTHING...:)
and Honestly, lately when 'I' can't tell T something...that's when littleone will come out and blurt it out...she's becoming better at that.And you know dory...i wish i could contact your T for you...i'd tell him what you just said, what you need. that way he'd know and you wouldn't have to say Anything!...i wish i could do that for you Dory.
but...maybe as a suggestion, could you just pick one thing and ask for that one? like maybe with your needing him closer to tell him, it helps if he were closer so you didn't have to say things loud (hehe or just start talking softer, maybe he will naturally move closer?? :^) of course if you do flat out ask him to be closer, be prepared for the typical T answering a question with a question...."so B2, why do you feel you need me to be closer?" and just so you know, this is NOT a rejection. but it must help them figure things out cuz they always do it...you can tell him truth of why...if you don't knwo why, tell him the room feels SO big and you need to feel more secure or that you don't want to say things loud...therefore he needs to be closer, or that if he were closer you would feel that he were more gentle.BUT don't worry if you can't ask for this right now...this ALL comes in time. a comfort level, a trust level. and a time will come that your body will just blurt stuff out cuz you just can't keep it inside anymore.
although i do advise you to not Wait for that...it should come out at a slow pace, one that YOU set. it can be dangerous if it explodes all at once...at least it was for me.and DORY do know that you are on a Very good path right now.
this all takes time...i mean,all my crud started coming out after i hit 30...so it took about 25 years to build. when i think i've been in therapy for two 1/2 years and get frustrated i think...ya, but it took 25 years to build, i can't expect it to disappear in one year!
so just remember that you are working hard, and even if it doesn't feel like it, you are making Great strides for yourself.
Dory deserves it!!take care dear dory...
have a good session.
b2c.
Posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 23:54:51
In reply to i'm gonna puke, posted by Dory on September 24, 2007, at 7:18:34
I feel like I am going to puke too, but for a different reason. Don't feel so good about posting anymore; don't feel safe; too much encroahment. I stick to psychology and that has been it, but now I feel this is a dangerous place for me too.
I would really like to do something about it, but I doubt I can.
RealMe
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