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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on November 6, 2007, at 8:30:44
why hasn't he walked away yet? why haven't i driven him away? i came close, i totally frustrated him last week.. but he stuck around anyway. Someone said there are easier ways to make a living, and in terms of working with me there **has** to be easier things to do. He must have clients which are easier to handle, cause him less grief or stress.
why is he doing this? i hired him to help me, and he is doing that bit by bit... but it doesn't mean he has to take what i make him suffer through.
why doesn't he see me for what i am? why doesn't he understand that there isn't anything he can do that will help me make major change? Doesn't he get it that he will run into a wall and not be able to get around it?
i told the chatters last night that i gave him the keys to the kingdom. i told him how to diffuse me when i become intimidating and aggressive. He knew it was a defensive thing, but i told him how to pop it like a balloon. It's easy if you know the secret door.
i am worried that i made a mistake. i don't think he would deliberately hurt me, but if he mishandles what he now knows... well, it would hurt me so bad i can't even describe... he is getting better at knowing me.. the real me and how i operate, but i am afraid that maybe it was too soon to hand over those keys. i am worried that id did it before i was reallly ready..
i push myself too hard, in part to please him (even though he never asks for such a thing) and in part because i feel pressured. i still fear that he will kick me out and so i need to get it all done asap. So i worry... i worry i did this too soon and it will make me afraid of him.
Posted by Dinah on November 6, 2007, at 8:45:28
In reply to what's wrong with this guy?, posted by Dory on November 6, 2007, at 8:30:44
Speaking from my experience only...
My therapist would say it's not his job to play me like a violin. That he might use what I told him to understand me, but he wouldn't use it to manipulate me. Not only because manipulating me isn't his job, but because using what I told him would in effect be allowing me control over what he does in relation to me. And he never ever allows that.
It would frustrate me no end, but he'd want me to understand my "keys" and see how what underlies them affects my life. He'd want me to see whether I'm pleased with the keying of my locks, so to speak, or if I want to make changes in how I react. He'd want me to have the control in a healthy way. He wouldn't want control over me.
And of course, he'd be there no matter what I did (within his fairly broad boundaries - no showing up at his door or anything).
If you don't mind my saying so, I hope for you what my own therapist would do. It's nice to know what defuses me. But it's even nicer to know what defuses me, or doesn't defuse me, and then decide on my own if I wish to be defused.
Posted by rskontos on November 6, 2007, at 9:08:10
In reply to what's wrong with this guy?, posted by Dory on November 6, 2007, at 8:30:44
Dory, I hope you don't mind me saying so, I don't want to hurt you in any way, but this thought came into my mind as I read your thread that we you included, I don't want you to think it is only you I include myself and probably other babblers will see themselves too, are worriers. We I think partly due to the nature of how we have been treated worry about everything. If we disclose now is it too soon, if we wait is it too late. It is because IMHO that our world we know isn't safe and we worry about how to keep it safe. The relationship we forge with our T is so one-sided to us we give so much of ourselves to them and we only sometimes get a glimpse of their lives so it is easy to worry about what they will do with that information. Information for the most part we have hidden from others for maybe most of our lives. We open up to our T before trust is thoroughly established so that is another worry. And even if trust is established we all know how tenuious if is. We know it can be ripped out from under our feet at any moment so we again worry. So I wondered if that isn't what you are doing in your relationship with your T maybe pushing to see how far you can push to see how much you can trust him before he walks. Because we all don't feel loveable or even likeable maybe we sometimes try to sabetoage mispelled the situation before they walk first. I hope I am wrong but something to think about.
I care bout you and worry too. It is ok to push yourself but not too hard. Are you pressuring yourself too much. IN part so he runs first just like you thought he would. Dont do that to him or you. Just let it flow like it should and try to work on what you need to get better. If you can just try and trust yourself and let the trust between him and you develop as it will or wont is ok. I don't think you have to trust completely to get work done. I don't trust mine T completely yet I am making some slow progress. I don't trust me either but I must try to trust her and me. Heck I didn't trust anyone here either at first and fought that. Revealing things here was the biggest step I took. It made it easier for therapy. Remember too that we all have had people leave us and we survived. If he leaves you, you will hurt but you will survive. So the reality is is he does walk away it will be bad but you will be ok. I don't want to hurt you but you can and have survived alot. I know you don't want to lose him but you would be ok. So don't push it. He does see you for what you are a great person. The hiring part it doesn't matter. He is a caring person. So are you saying you cant be helped and he should stop trying. Is that what you believe? I don't trying believe he would do anything to hurt you. Having the key to diffuse you will only help him understand you better. Which might help he find a way around the wall. I hope so for both of you. I don't think you are unhelpable. Is that a word? I have to believe that we all are helpable. I want that for all of us babblers!!!!
Posted by Phillipa on November 6, 2007, at 12:29:20
In reply to Re: what's wrong with this guy?, posted by rskontos on November 6, 2007, at 9:08:10
Very caring and great post. Phillipa
Posted by Dory on November 6, 2007, at 17:44:17
In reply to Re: what's wrong with this guy?, posted by rskontos on November 6, 2007, at 9:08:10
"are you saying you cant be helped and he should stop trying. Is that what you believe?"
yeah, that's pretty much exactly what i believe. i don't understand why he hasn't stopped already. i don't understand why he can't see how hopeless it is.
i want to know why he does this.. other than making a living. i want to know why he has snot told me to leave.
i talked to him this morning.. he returned my panic call from last night. Sh*t is hitting the fan and i need the support. He was more than good about it... he said something he hadn't before, and it means a lot to me.. he said "..call me again if you need to." He has always allowed me to call, but this means he recognizes just how hard things are right now... he constantly surprises me
he says he likes me. He says he thinks i'm funny and he finds working with me interesting.. he says i present some interesting problems to solve.. i don't understand him.
all i know is how other people react to me, or me to them... he isn't acting in those ways. Why not?
you're right.. i do worry. i don't think he would hurt me on purpose.. i think i will tell him explicitly that he needs to be very aware and careful of using what i told him
i'm cancelling Thursday... and going back to once per week. i do need him, but i just can't do things this way right now. It's too much for me, and it's a bigger financial risk..
Posted by DAisym on November 6, 2007, at 20:44:40
In reply to Re: what's wrong with this guy? » rskontos, posted by Dory on November 6, 2007, at 17:44:17
Maybe you told him because you want him to help you not leave therapy, and because some tiny part of you has started to trust him.
I think telling him was brave and a huge step. Good for you.
Posted by Dory on November 6, 2007, at 21:05:53
In reply to Re: what's wrong with this guy? » Dory, posted by Dinah on November 6, 2007, at 8:45:28
dammit.. i'm sorry dinah, i had written this nice reply and i accidentally closed the window and it got eaten. :(
the gist (jist?) of it was that i agree, i don't think he would do anything to hurt me on purpose.. or to manipulate me, but i worry about him not knowing quite how to use it, or me being left extremely vulnerable before i am ready for that.
i also said that your wish for me at the end was very meaningful. Thank you..
the first time i wrote it the whole thing sounded better... sorry
Posted by Dory on November 6, 2007, at 21:08:10
In reply to Re: what's wrong with this guy? » Dory, posted by DAisym on November 6, 2007, at 20:44:40
*staring at floor, *kicking at the dirt with my foot..
shy yes. so hard
i'm supposed to be too tough for this sort of thing. i'm supposed to be tough as nails.. or so everyone says. No heart, no feelings.. ask anyone, especially my family.
Posted by rskontos on November 7, 2007, at 10:17:32
In reply to Re: what's wrong with this guy? » DAisym, posted by Dory on November 6, 2007, at 21:08:10
Dory, he can help you I think in spite of you. I dont mean that hurtful I just think you can't help it at this point to worry and sometimes try and push him away and I think he will stay no matter. I believe him can use all of his knowledge to help you no matter what you throw his way. And I pray he does because you so need it and deserve it. You don't have to always be tough as nails. And we all know you do have a heart, feelings and we especially know how badly family can hurt! So we won't ask them anything because we have seen your pureness and goodness ourselves so there! You can't convince any of us that you are a hard-hearted person, we know better!!!!! During this difficult time you are still posting to help others, that means you do have a heart!!!! rk
Posted by Dory on November 8, 2007, at 17:23:22
In reply to Re: what's wrong with this guy?, posted by rskontos on November 7, 2007, at 10:17:32
you're very sweet.. thank you. i think my heart died long ago. i just know the right thing to do is to help when i can, ethics i suppose.. i dunno.. sometimes i guess maybe there is a heart still there.
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