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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by RealMe on November 6, 2007, at 23:19:12
Therapy today, and I have numbed myself for the past week and a half due to some things at home and also because of some lab tests that came back not so good. I have to do more tests, and I have been scard. So I had to numb myself about this too. T has been helpful with the home front, and today I talked about some things haveing to do with religion and my husband and UUism, and also half way through I told him about the lab tests and results and laughed an said maybe I wouldn't be seeing him that much after all as one of the major reasons for the test results is cancer. So I was trying to play it off as I don't think this is the case. I think it was a fluke or one time anomoly with the lab work. Anyway I was laughing, but T was not laughing at all. I kept saying, "what, what, you look so serious." We talked about that and why I can't seem to get to bed early, and I said I don't know what is wrong. I only slept three hours last night.
So, then before I left I said something about next week I would need a new script for my Parnate. He said we should talk about the meds next week, and just before that he had told me he would be gone the Friday after Thanksgiving plus December 7, 11, and 14. Then I expect he we will not meet on December 25th either. plus for eight days in the beginning of December. So after I left, I started thinking he meant for me to start weaning myself off of Parnat and then I started thinking he wants to do this so we can end therapy. I know I am probably and likely going off on some stupid misperception, and I know he is going to tie it to his going away, but I think it has to do more with the medication issue. Actually I don't even know what he is thinking about my meds. Maybe he wants to add something not cut back.
So I wrote an email to him about what I wouldn't say in therapy which was no big deal and told him I have been feeling just numb about everything, and so I could understand if he felt maybe I should forget therapy for now. Actually, when I think about it, I guess this is NOT what he meant at all, but it seems I take a simple comment like "we need to talk about your med's" and make it an end of the world comment, so to speak. I don't like taking meds, and if we can work togehter with me off meds, that would be great. I was able to do that in the past.
Anyway, so then the more I thought about it, and he did not respond to my email, then the more sad I felt. Of course I have told him before it is probably best not to respond to my emails because I distort or misperceive what he says. So, it is likely this is why he did not repsond.
I just don't think I can make it to Friday, though. I may email him again tomorrow. I hate feeling that I depend on him. He seems to bring out the worst in me, it seems. At one point today, though, when I said something about what I was doing last night, I said oh it was nothing, and he kind of laughed, and I said, "okay, I just don't want to say." And then he laughed and said he wondered if I was blushing again. I said no, and he laughed because I felt my face getting hot, and then I said yes I am. I know he likes me, and I like him, but I am also scared of him. Don't want to get so close and depend on him. Depending on people means you get hurt and sometimes hurt badly.
RealMe
Posted by Dory on November 7, 2007, at 8:13:56
In reply to Re: Therapy, posted by RealMe on November 6, 2007, at 23:19:12
((((RM))))
i'm rushing to **try** to make it to my studio on time for once, so i can' say a lot.. but go easy on yourself ok? Don't look for extra things to tie yourself in knots about, you have plenty of legitimate worries... do you think maybe you feel they are not valid worries? maybe you need to create something more valid? just tossing..
i am so sorry for your health worries right now... i've been there. It's hard. Be gentle with yourself and be proud of how strong you are.
it's been a long time since we talked.. bmail sometime soon
Posted by Muffled on November 7, 2007, at 14:10:04
In reply to Re: Therapy, posted by RealMe on November 6, 2007, at 23:19:12
Realme. Therapy is crazymaking...
But it eventually supposed to help.
I think it has me.
So when in doubt, when in this turmoil situation, I think its best to call T. E-mail all this stuff you said here.
You not alone in this at all.
I have found its best to talk this stuff thru. It also strengthens your relationship.
Its all so scarey.
I am OK with my T these days.
She hasn't dumped me, she hasn't run away. She just keeps being kind. Yet honest. Which is important to me.
Its a good place to get to when you FINALLY start to really trust T not gonna hurt you on purpose, and that they really do have your best interests at heart, and that you can say ugly things and it sdon't make them look upon you with disgust.
Hang in there Realme.
Its HARD. But keep at it.
Can you phone T? Can you maybe make another appt?
Keep in touch.
M
Posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2007, at 23:36:25
In reply to Re: Therapy » RealMe, posted by Muffled on November 7, 2007, at 14:10:04
Seeing mine tomorrow and making plans for a business at home I will run as will be home 4-6 weeks from surgery thankfully normal female stuff. I have to keep moving forward we all do. phillipa
Posted by RealMe on November 7, 2007, at 23:37:06
In reply to Re: Therapy » RealMe, posted by Muffled on November 7, 2007, at 14:10:04
Thanks Dory and Muffled. T is not planning on terminating me. He and I had agreed that I might misinterpret any email reply as he tends to keep it very short. He does not want to do therapy via email because he says the relationship is not there. He is okay with me emailing to a point. If I just emailed and never talked, then there would be a problem. He just emailed back as I asked him if he was planning on terminating me, and he said, "not at all." That is all he said, and it is best he did not say more. It was just right. I don't know why I got this notion in my head. It wasn't because he will be gone Thanksgiving weekend or because he will be gone for a weeek and a half over Hanukkah. It was mentioning about the meds. I don't know why he said we needed to talk about them. I know he isn't going to say I should go back and get ECT. He has already told me that. He is not someone who believes that is the answer for me.
{RealMe}
Posted by JoniS on November 8, 2007, at 7:53:23
In reply to Re: Therapy, posted by RealMe on November 6, 2007, at 23:19:12
Hi RealMe
I am sorry that I'm in a hurry but I just read your post and wanted to say something. Dont know what to say, but I am thinking about you. You have a lot on you right now health, family, therapy. I sure hope the tests go your way and they do find you're clear. I've seen recently the difficulties you're dealing with and I knwo you have to have a lot of strength to deal with what you are. I know you have a good T who isn't going anywhere so I'm glad you have that. I admire your strength and I think you are doing really good work.
Do something for yourself this weekend. Take good care of you!
((((RealMe))))
Joni
Posted by rskontos on November 8, 2007, at 9:52:28
In reply to Re: Therapy, posted by RealMe on November 6, 2007, at 23:19:12
RealMe, I am so sorry for the test results. I pray they come back better. I pray for strength. I am not in a good way today so this is about all I can say. I will say more when I am better. I am also sorry for the T being gone but gla d you cleared up the misunderstanding. Take care of yourself. I do read all the posts even if I don't post. I'll post when I can but I do want to know how you are!!!! rk
Posted by RealMe on November 8, 2007, at 23:39:54
In reply to Re: Therapy, posted by rskontos on November 8, 2007, at 9:52:28
Thanks for the posts. I have been burning the candle at both ends and am totally exhausted again. I have therapy again tomorrow and it is already going on midnight, and I have to get up by 4:15 a.m. to go to therapy. I must be nuts!!!!
I am going to try to have a good weekend, but I know I have to work on some reports, and I am going to try to make sure I only do one per day. That way I will not spend all of one day writing. I really goofed this week as I overbooked at work, and then I also has my women's group Tuesday night, and tonight I went to here a speaker and just got home about 15 minutes ago. So I won't say much except thanks. I am not sure what I want to say in therapy tomorrow. I get like this when I decide to numb; it is as if there is nothing to say. I have no emotions right now. I just feel like I am a machine on autopilot. Pretty weird not to feel anything and to just stay in my head. I have got to face some things and stop my resistance. Okay. I will post tomorrow.
Thanks again.
RealMe
This is the end of the thread.
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