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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 28. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 12:21:38
It sometimes feels like I'm in such a very different place in therapy that I'm not all that helpful when I respond to posts.
I've really come to terms, for the most part, with what my therapist can and can't be for me. I have no illusions of his perfection, or mine, but I can't imagine wanting perfection. It would be way too intimidating.
I know that he'll hurt me badly at times because I care about him more than he cares about me so it's inevitable, and that most of the time if I bring up my hurts to him, he'll try to understand and regret it even if he can't fix it. And he's even getting better *at* understanding. But I know that one day he'll leave me or I'll leave him, and that he won't be able to help me with that hurt.
I know he's fond enough of me, and finds me amusing enough to satisfy me. I know that I'm special to him, and that I've helped shape him into the therapist he is. I know the limits of the fondness too. I know he wouldn't see me without money, that he likes to be paid for phone conversations longer than five minutes, and that generally he really likes money. I know that even if we didn't have this therapeutic relationship, neither of us would have chosen to be friends with the other.
I also know that he thinks I'm weirder even than I think I am. And I get annoyed when I feel him being very careful.
I know that he'll be there for me as best he can. I know there are limitations to that too. He keeps my needs in mind, but if they conflict with the needs of his family or his needs, I'll lose.
I know there are times when he just can't deal with me, and times when he's happy to deal with me.
I trust him to be caring, interested, gently humorous, gently guiding, often thoughtless, occasionally irritated or distracted.
I know that all the negative hateful things that whisper in my head about him are based on truth, and may even be totally true. And I know all the warm and loving things I feel about him are based in truth, and may even be totally true. He's both good and bad. Our relationship is both good and bad. Neither set of thoughts is either all right or all wrong because neither set of thoughts is all inclusive. Probably both sets together aren't all inclusive.
I know how much he's taught me and influenced how I think about things. I appreciate the moderation he's brought to my way of thinking. I like his gentle acceptance of even the most absurd things I say, acceptance that allows me to entertain and often accept the alternatives he obliquely presents.
I sometimes think that maybe I don't need him anymore, or don't need him as often. But I get sad and scared at that and refuse to make any changes.
I'm so comfy in our relationship.
And I'm just not sure if I can be helpful to others coming from such a place.
Posted by Phillipa on January 12, 2008, at 12:38:43
In reply to I sometimes feel so unhelpful here, posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 12:21:38
Dinah just to respond to part of your thread you are a very thoughtful and kind and fair person to me on babble with so much insightful information. A real gem in my eyes. Love Phillipa. I would imagine your therapist feels the same way too bad they want money thought maybe the barter system? What could we trade for I wonder??????
Posted by annierose on January 12, 2008, at 12:55:02
In reply to I sometimes feel so unhelpful here, posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 12:21:38
You are always helpful to me. Always. So please continue to do what you do so well ... listen, read and reply with kindness.
Posted by muffled on January 12, 2008, at 13:19:00
In reply to I sometimes feel so unhelpful here, posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 12:21:38
Whoah, thats weird that you posted that. I was just thinking yesterday that you'd posted some really GOOD poats lately. Enuf so that I remarked to myself on it.
I think that was such an amazing post that you wrote WAY cool. I hope you print it out or paste in in your journal or something.
It really is cool.
Reminded me of 10ders amaazing post!
This one is just as great!
Maybe some of us babblers are improving and better understanding ourselves. How GREAT!!! is that!!!!???
So for those who are not as far along on the journey as others. Well its GREAT to see how others further along are doing! And those that are further along can HELP.
We may or may not hear their advice right away. But over time, stuff sinks in.
So THANK YOU ofr that post Dinah.
I am happy that you are doing well.
((( DInah )))
Thanks for all you do here at Babble. INCLUDING your posts!
Lotsa times its just nice that a person has posted to me AT ALL, whether or not their words are what I need, it enuf to know they care enuf to post to me. That is HUGE.
Thanks Dinah.
M
Posted by Poet on January 12, 2008, at 13:51:17
In reply to I sometimes feel so unhelpful here, posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 12:21:38
Hi Dinah,
You and me both. My thought process is so dull right now that I read posts,start to answer and then delete it.
You've always been helpful to me whether your realize it or not.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 15:11:34
In reply to Re: I sometimes feel so unhelpful here » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on January 12, 2008, at 12:38:43
Well, I know they need to make a living, and I don't mind that in general.
It's just that he really seems to like money. :)
Posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 15:13:26
In reply to Re: I sometimes feel so unhelpful here » Dinah, posted by annierose on January 12, 2008, at 12:55:02
Thank you, Annierose.
I suppose I worry that I sound unempathetic. I'm really not. I've gone through all the angst over the therapeutic relationship that anyone does. And at times I go through it again. And again.
Posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 15:16:45
In reply to Re: I sometimes feel so unhelpful here » Dinah, posted by muffled on January 12, 2008, at 13:19:00
Thanks, Muffled. It is really wonderful to read that. I do try to be helpful.
I think I might print out my post, if only to remind myself next time I get upset that I really do trust my therapist to be who I know he is.
I do think it's great that we're learning to understand ourselves. I absolutely refuse to grow up, but improving I can definitely tolerate. :)
I learn from you all the time. You and my son teach me a lot about the ways I really need to try to be more empathetic to others.
Posted by raisinb on January 12, 2008, at 15:19:07
In reply to I sometimes feel so unhelpful here, posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 12:21:38
I wanted to say that your above post to TG's thread about the end of a relationship helped me very much. For me, it's really easy to make the lack of a partner a symbol of how I'm worthless, how I'm not as good or lovable as other people. Your post reminded me that what I need is something I need to work on for myself, not something someone else can give me, and that a relationship can't make me happy or more *me*.
So, that's my .02. Everyone has wisdom to give, especially you, I've noticed.
Posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 15:19:28
In reply to Re: I sometimes feel so unhelpful here » Dinah, posted by Poet on January 12, 2008, at 13:51:17
Thanks, Poet.
I definitely know the dulled mind feeling. I woke up this morning as if I were waking up the first time in a very long time. My mind felt clear and was able to stray farther than the usual ruts. But now I'm back to "normal" I think. Battling the urge to curl back up in bed with my adorable bedmate, who loves to sleep as much as I do, and who looks at me hopefully to suggest I take a nap after he helpfully licks my face to a nice smelly doggy scent.
Posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 15:22:23
In reply to yo, Dinah, posted by raisinb on January 12, 2008, at 15:19:07
I'm so glad if I could help you. :)
Perhaps especially on that topic. You are definitely as good and loveable as anyone, and having a partner or not having one doesn't affect that one bit.
Posted by Kath on January 12, 2008, at 15:34:40
In reply to I sometimes feel so unhelpful here, posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 12:21:38
Dear Dinah ((((((((((you)))))))))
If you hadn't posted such a detailed post, (& I usually am only at Social, so don't know your Psychology history) - anyway - I would never have guessed that you even GO to a therapist!
So there.
I've always viewed you as very wise, calm, kind, comforting, to name a few.
Even reading your original post in this thread shows your immense wisdom!!
One little nudge....maybe one time, you might go 1 extra week between visits? If you felt like trying to loosen things between you & your T just a little. You could view it as "just this once & I'll see how it feels". I think often people tend to see things as black/white; all/nothing. I know I do!
Anyway, I feel a sense of 'safety' knowing you're here! A sense of calm, groundedness.
Thanks for being here Dinah.
luv, Kath
Posted by star008 on January 12, 2008, at 16:02:02
In reply to I sometimes feel so unhelpful here, posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 12:21:38
dinah,,
you are helpful from what i have seen.. the support itself is often enough for me. I understand taht therea ren't answers alot of the time but to know that someone understands and can connect with what I am saying is all I can expect at times and is often enough to eae the burden a bit
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 12, 2008, at 16:04:03
In reply to I sometimes feel so unhelpful here, posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 12:21:38
Dinah, you've helped me accept my life and my situation and myself more than you will ever realize. your dry wit has made me laugh, even when I am super-down.
you are a very special person, and a very special babbler. I dunno if that comes through in your real life or not, but I consider myself privileged to have your responses to my posts.
-Ll
Posted by Raindancer on January 12, 2008, at 16:31:09
In reply to I sometimes feel so unhelpful here, posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 12:21:38
Oh Dinah, wow your post is so beautiful and puts into words so much of what I feel - you know so much about the therapeutic relationship and have gained in wisdom and strength over the years. I told my T the other day that I thought I would always want to hold onto his leg (do you remember that?) and said that you had said it first, and it feels so true for me still. I have posted on and off for several years now and when I come back i always look for your posts as having humour, understanding and good sense. I have seen how your relationship with your T has become closer and how you and he have come to understand each other better and this has helped me a lot when the going has been rough. You mean a great deal to me. Thanks for being there. ((((Dinah))) Rain.
Posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 18:43:20
In reply to Re: I sometimes feel so unhelpful here » Dinah, posted by Kath on January 12, 2008, at 15:34:40
Thank you, Kath. I really appreciate that.
A sense of calm and groundedness is what I get from my therapist. It scares me senseless even to think of not needing him, if that makes sense. But I am now at least entertaining those thoughts, and I never really thought I would. Maybe some day I'll be able to act on them.
Posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 18:43:44
In reply to Re: I sometimes feel so unhelpful here » Dinah, posted by star008 on January 12, 2008, at 16:02:02
Thank you, Star.
Posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 18:45:23
In reply to Re: I sometimes feel so unhelpful here » Dinah, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 12, 2008, at 16:04:03
That makes me feel very happy, llurpsie. You're such a special person, and I'm glad in any way I'm able to help you.
Posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 18:46:47
In reply to Re: I sometimes feel so unhelpful here » Dinah, posted by Raindancer on January 12, 2008, at 16:31:09
I'm glad it's helped you as we've gotten closer! I think that's the part that worries me. That we've really settled down so much that I might lose touch with how agonizing a relationship it can be. And I don't want to do that.
Posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 18:51:49
In reply to I sometimes feel so unhelpful here, posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 12:21:38
I really treasure your kind words.
And I hope that you all will be understanding if I ever sound complacent. I really know it's not easy. The agonizing I've done over the years...
And it's ok if you point it out to me if I do sound that way at times.
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 12, 2008, at 19:07:38
In reply to I sometimes feel so unhelpful here, posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 12:21:38
I love this post, Dinah, as I love so many of your posts. I can't imagine the time would ever come that you would be unhelpful -- here or elsewhere. And that's the depressed me talking. Just imagine how gushy I'd be if I was in my non-depressed state.
Posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 20:17:22
In reply to Re: I sometimes feel so unhelpful here » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on January 12, 2008, at 19:07:38
Thanks Therapygirl. I especially am glad to hear that from you, since my post to you was one of the ones I was afraid I was being insufferable on.
Posted by LadyBug on January 12, 2008, at 23:50:29
In reply to I sometimes feel so unhelpful here, posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 12:21:38
When I see your name I know if I click on it I will learn something. I think some of us that have been with the same T for several years understand a lot of what other's are struggling with. So I think you better not even give it another thought! Keep on posting. Me on the other hand, can't come up with anything too neat these days. Too much is on my plate right now. I can't concentrate.
Thanks for all you do for us and for how much you add even when you are struggling!
LadyBug
Posted by Dinah on January 13, 2008, at 15:56:08
In reply to Re: I sometimes feel so unhelpful here » Dinah, posted by LadyBug on January 12, 2008, at 23:50:29
It's a different perspective, that's for sure. :)
You've got so much going on right now. I'm glad you have your therapist on your side. I've been wondering how you were doing. It sounds like you're still having a hard time?
Posted by JoniS on January 14, 2008, at 8:43:53
In reply to I sometimes feel so unhelpful here, posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 12:21:38
Hey Dinah
I see that I'm pretty late in reading and posting but I needed to tell you that your posts mean ALOT to me too. I appreciate you greatly!
Joni
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