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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DAisym on January 16, 2008, at 20:15:33
I don't want to have to choose! I've been feeling so flat and disconnected in therapy. My feelings got hurt before the Holidays and it has been a long hard struggle to find a way to trust and connect again. We've both been working at it. Monday I told my therapist it would be better if he'd just get mad at me for not talking so he goes, "OK - TALK TO ME!" I looked puzzled and said, "what?" And he goes, "I'm frustrated so TALK TO ME!" I started to laugh and said, "that's it? That is you angry?" He had the grace to laugh too.He pointed out that I was "building a case" against him - convincing myself that he didn't want to work with me anymore. He is right, I've been collecting certain word choices, or things he has forgotten or even not being able to reschedule as things done "on purpose." I even imagined him with this intense new client that really needs his time and energy and attachment to open up their stuff and I was someone who had enough experience by now to not need him so much and we've talked about so much of my stuff...when I told him, he said, "where do you get this stuff?!" And on and on.
So finally yesterday I melted a little. I miss that closeness and the feeling of being safe. It is harder and harder to be alone with all the memories. The discussion about being special was up again - it is a hard topic and so loaded for me. And then boom! After my session - anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. I hate this!
Today was a session full of tears and anger - at him for allowing the memories back in the room, at myself for not being able to get past it and at my dad, for daring to act like nothing ever happened and yet I have to deal with it. My therapist said he wants to hear it all and he promises it won't be like this forever. But it was so hard to leave and I'm all twisted up tonight - scared about what I told him and how angry I feel. My younger parts are just convinced that they are in trouble.
I can barely tolerate to sit here and write but I don't know what else to do with myself. I hate being flat but I hate all this anxiety too. I want to go hide in the therapy office, he doesn't even have to be there - I just need to keep the world out and myself locked in.
But then I'd be alone - and that stinks too. *sigh*
Posted by sunnydays on January 16, 2008, at 21:43:04
In reply to Flat vs. Anxious, posted by DAisym on January 16, 2008, at 20:15:33
((((Daisy))))
My T says the anxiety I feel when thinking about and telling stuff about my abuse is because I am getting closer to the truth about me - that I am not exaggerating, not making it up, that I didn't do anything wrong, and that it really is as bad as I think it is. And that there is some part of me that is comfortable feeling the way I've always felt, comfortable feeling bad about myself and blaming myself. He says that part gets really scared when I start to deal with the truth because by getting closer to the truth and accepting what happened I am challenging the way I always felt and taking more power for myself. And that the little girl, who is comfortable blaming herself, is scared because it is such a huge change.
I don't know if any of that is true in your situation, but I think that I do know the anxious feeling you're talking about. It kind of makes me want to cling to my T so that he can take the feeling away (which he really can't).
I have been having a problem with the flat feeling too. I was questioning myself earlier today - "Maybe I'm addicted to drama, maybe this is how everyone feels all the time." But I think that if I have to ask that, it really is not how most people feel. And it distresses me feeling flat and disconnected.
But flat and anxious aren't the only two options. Your T is there for you, and you are safe. You two are working together to walk you through all the terrible horrible stuff and protect your specialness at the same time. And you won't always feel like flat or anxious or angry are the only options for feelings. The more it peels away, the more there will be room for happiness and just "normal" feeling too.
Hang in there,
sunnydays
Posted by muffled on January 16, 2008, at 22:06:13
In reply to Flat vs. Anxious, posted by DAisym on January 16, 2008, at 20:15:33
Sorry you so wound up Daisy.
Can you do something physical, like walking, or making bread?
All the basic physical stuff, meds, soothing bath, breathing, relaxation etc?
Are you able to get the Mommy part of Daisy to talk to the kids and try and distract them somehow? with a craft, playing solitaire, reading a safe book (NOT TV)?
Can you invite a friend over to distract you and play cars?
These are good ideas....
Hope you feel better soon.
M
Posted by JoniS on January 16, 2008, at 23:32:58
In reply to Flat vs. Anxious, posted by DAisym on January 16, 2008, at 20:15:33
Sorry you're having a difficult time Daisy
It was sweet that your T promised "it wont be like this forever" that is genuine, heartfelt caring. That had to feel good. When my T says stuff like that from the heart it makes me feel sooo good. (guess I'm kind of pathetic)
Dont know what else to say but I hope you feel better by the time you read this.
((((Daisy))))
Joni
Posted by antigua3 on January 17, 2008, at 7:59:03
In reply to Flat vs. Anxious, posted by DAisym on January 16, 2008, at 20:15:33
Daisy, this sounds so familiar. My pdoc says we have a good session every other time, because when we have a session where I've opened up, the next one I pull back sharply, and so deep, because I'm afraid of what I've opened up. The ying and the yang, I guess.
the other thing I noticed from your post is that maybe it's that you're flat or anxious and that may be a black and white feeling too? That it's hard for us to have the gray feelings in the middle? Just a thought.
Take care, and I hope your weather is better than ours. They are calling for snow today and since we haven't had any yet this year, my son is going to do the snow dance tonight--you know, the one where you put your p.j.s on inside out and do some backwards dance type of thing? I could use some snow. I love the beauty of it when it's so clean and pristine--kind of like we all were before things in our life made tracks and dirt, and disturbed our inner beauty.
take care,
antigua
Posted by muffled on January 17, 2008, at 10:07:53
In reply to Re: Flat vs. Anxious » DAisym, posted by antigua3 on January 17, 2008, at 7:59:03
> Daisy, this sounds so familiar. My pdoc says we have a good session every other time, because when we have a session where I've opened up, the next one I pull back sharply, and so deep, because I'm afraid of what I've opened up. The ying and the yang, I guess.
*good point..me too
> the other thing I noticed from your post is that maybe it's that you're flat or anxious and that may be a black and white feeling too? That it's hard for us to have the gray feelings in the middle? Just a thought.* nuther good point. Well thot of.
> Take care, and I hope your weather is better than ours. They are calling for snow today and since we haven't had any yet this year, my son is going to do the snow dance tonight--you know, the one where you put your p.j.s on inside out and do some backwards dance type of thing? I could use some snow. I love the beauty of it when it's so clean and pristine--kind of like we all were before things in our life made tracks and dirt, and disturbed our inner beauty.*this was an amazing paragraph....
I have a son(11), and I read about the snow dance and I smiled.
I read about the pure white smow and was warmed.
Then I read about the tracks and dirt and felt sad.
Cuz thats just it isn't it?
Mourning the loss.
And anger.
Cofusion.
WHY?
I am trying to just accept.
I love the snow. Its soft and white. I love to watch the flakes comming down. I love how it muffles sound and so the world is quieter.
But just like the world. Snow hurts too.
Rambling am I.
Sorry.
Not sure what I trying to say.
Just a cool posst is all.
M
Posted by Fallsfall on January 17, 2008, at 11:56:04
In reply to Flat vs. Anxious, posted by DAisym on January 16, 2008, at 20:15:33
Being alone does stink, but you really aren't alone. You have him, you have me, you have Babble. Even when you are physically alone, we are with you.
I know that the work you do trying to stay connected with him is painful for you, but it is exactly what you need to be doing. And I truly believe that it will help, and you will feel better. You need to keep trying to tell him about all your fears. I love what he said: "where do you get this stuff?!" If you don't tell him, then he can't tell you that it isn't true.
Keep letting him help you.
(((Daisy)))
Love,
Falls
Posted by Raindancer on January 17, 2008, at 13:57:59
In reply to Flat vs. Anxious, posted by DAisym on January 16, 2008, at 20:15:33
So sorry you're feeling bad Daisy. I well understand about the anxiety and picking up on words said. My T says I notice all the small things so much that I sometimes miss or overlook the really big things. I remember when you first went to see your T, and you worked so hard to build trust. He has been staunch since that time and it's obvious that he really cares for you. I know that at times we cannot - or dare not - believe it as we are feeling so bad about ourselves, and feeling we don't deserve it or projecting those bad feelings onto our Ts. I know it sounds simplistic but could you try saying "I am a strong and worthy person. I am loved." over and over again. It's strange but I have found it helps even when I don't believe it - it just seems to ease something.
You are special and much loved here and will be very much in the thoughts of those who care about you. ((((Daisy))))
This is the end of the thread.
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