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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2008, at 14:00:44
I walked into his office yesterday on the verge of tears so pissed off at my life, at myself, my past.
I said I was so frusterated with myself and this depression. I have been through hell before, and was okay, but this depression has to be the most debilitating thing I have ever had to endure. I am barely alive, I feel like a walking shell of a person, just going through the motions, well some of them. Some I just don't do, period. I am good at sleep and wasting my time at thinking about nothing in particular, just wasting my life away.
Then feeling guilty for not doing a damn thing. My messy house makes me depressed, but yet I am too depressed to clean it. I want to play with my kids, but I just can't, there is no energy. I use the computer as devise like an alcoholics use booze to numb the pain, pass the time.
I told my T I have tried to fight it, but it is stronger than me, and I am beginning to give up hope that I can overcome this. I feel numb, beaten down some days that I just want to day to be over with so I can try another day. I don't have cancer or anything, who am I to complain. I have it so good compared to others, why can't I just kick my *ss and get going? I am strong, why can't I be strong in this case? What the hell is wrong with me?
Cymbalta seems to make me feel even and mellow. But it too early to know if it will work, sometimes my hope causes false results. It is hard to have all my hope in this pill. I am doing what I am suppose to do take drugs, and have therapy. When will it work?
I has a wonderful session with my T yesterday. We talked about this depression, my ambivalent feelings towards my old T and my old band directer. Also talked about spirituality, not so much religion.
One thing I am not ready to admit because I don't believe it, but yet my T is trying to get me to the place of accepting the good and the bad of my past relationships. Okay I did learn something from my old T, but I can't say the pain I am going through has been worth the lessons in life.When I see my old T I want to hug him but yet kick him in the shin. My T tried to finish my sentence by saying kicking him in the balls, but I guess I am not that angry. He said he has had both happen, and they feel simular.
I don't feel much like talking about my session right now. I feel like I need to hold on to the feeling he gives me. Sometimes it is better not to talk about it. Just feel it and smile. Thanks for "listening" if you made it to the end of this. I just needed to vent.
Posted by seldomseen on May 23, 2008, at 14:32:25
In reply to Depression vent, posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2008, at 14:00:44
I'm sorry you're feeling bad. Lord knows I've been there.
One thing to keep in mind, however, is that emotional work can be just as exhausting (if not more) than physical work.
Sometimes we call this exhaustion depression and sometimes it actually is.
But this is work we have to do.
One thing I've learned is that we aren't always going to feel like a million bucks. Sometimes, we aren't even going to feel worth a dollar, but these things come in waves - up and down just like the sea.
It will pass. You will get your strength back.
Take good care, and get some rest.
Seldom.
Posted by B2chica on May 23, 2008, at 15:10:04
In reply to Re: Depression vent » Happyflower, posted by seldomseen on May 23, 2008, at 14:32:25
Dear HF how long have you been on Cymbalta? when should it be kicking in? is there anything in the mean time?
can you get out and go for walks in the sunshine?
and veeeeeent all you want dear one. were here.
and i really like what seldomeseen said about us sometimes only feeling barely worth a dollar but that it comes in waves like the sea.
and that you WILL get your strength back.sorry seldom i had to quote you there cuz it was worth saying twice.
and if the computer bides time till another day, so be it. because maybe that next day WILL be better.
start the day with a favorite warm breakfast (including warmed chocolate cake!)
go for a walk, plant some flowers. you have a beautful flower garden don't you. i remember you have a little pond right with fish. how wonderful to sit out by them and feed them. it may be hard to enjoy them now.
but you can and will again.Take care HAPPY flower.
b2c
Posted by I need a hug on May 23, 2008, at 18:01:55
In reply to Depression vent, posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2008, at 14:00:44
Happyflower,
Oh, my sweet friend. How long have you been on the Cymbalta and at what doseage? My Pdoc/T has me on it and when she raised the dose from 30mg to 60mg I got so bad I couldn't get out of bed. She dropped it to 30mg and I don't feel any better. All I do is cry. I don't want to get out of bed but I have to force myself to because I've had so many things going on these past few months. I've stuck it out for 5 mos. because she thought it would help me but when I see her again, I'm done. I'm not trying to make excuses but it is very uncharacteristic of me to snap at people I care about like I did with you(especially in a thread where you were asking about me). I really am sorry. I've been doing it with my family, too. I've been depressed, irritable, a b%&#h, all I do is cry, I don't want to get out of bed. I adore my Pdoc/T and I've been with her for 10 years. I trust her judgement and she always asks my opinion about everything we do as far as meds go. We thought there were other things contributing to the severity of my depression but I'm convinced now, it's the Cymbalta. The next time I see her, it's going to be no more Cymbalta for me. I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to steal your thread. It's just I'm convinced the Cymbalta made me worse and I think that might be what's happening to you. It has the potential to do that. I'm sorry this is so negative but I want you to be aware of what the Cymbalta can do. Please take care of yourself. You're my friend and I care about you. ((((((((((HF)))))))))) Hugs
Posted by I need a hug on May 23, 2008, at 18:59:56
In reply to Re: Depression vent, posted by I need a hug on May 23, 2008, at 18:01:55
Happyflower,
I'm going to have the word, "IDIOT" tattoed on my forehead. And some people would tell you I'm a b%&#h all of the time, not just some of the time. LOL I didn't realize that you were just starting Cymbalta. I'm sure you know, just because I had a bad experience with it doesn't mean you will. O.K. Now, I'm going to go dig a hole in the ground and crawl in it. No...I don't have the energy to do that! I know...I'll sew my mouth shut. No....what good would that do? Damn! I think I've got it!!! I'll super glue my fingers together so I can't type anything stupid anymore!! Unfortunately, I'm sure the glue will eventually wear off but for now I hope you feel better. Take care. Hugs
Posted by rskontos on May 23, 2008, at 19:21:21
In reply to Depression vent, posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2008, at 14:00:44
HF,
Alls, (I hear that alot up here in the midwest and I now kinda of like it) anyway, I understand exactly how you feel. And I can say it will past. But I can not tell you how how it will take. I am finally move a little past it. I am now finally cleaning my house and caring about it. I refused all AD's. But I am thinking about asking about one finally. i want it to give me some energy. I want one that is stimulating. Anything that helps be more up. Because I feel your pain.
Good luck. Cymbalta did not do it for me but maybe it will help you.
(((((((((HF))))))))))
rsk
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on May 23, 2008, at 19:56:39
In reply to Depression vent, posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2008, at 14:00:44
Depression is an awful disease. I just wanted to write and say that there is hope. I was deeply depressed for 4.5 yrs. It took a lot of therapy and a lot of drugs, but I am much better now. Sometimes it just hits me that I am enjoying things again.
Hang in there. Work aggressively with your T and a pdoc. You can make it through this!!
Best,
EE
Posted by twinleaf on May 24, 2008, at 10:19:13
In reply to Re: Depression vent, posted by Emily Elizabeth on May 23, 2008, at 19:56:39
I've had about an 8-10 year battle with depression, and have only really been making progress against it in the past year. The key variable for me was the right therapist; I have taken about 15 medications, and although they almost all seemed to help some initially, none were very helpful in the long run. ( I have tried almost all the classes except the MAOIs, and I was a chicken about those). But finding the really right "good match" therapist was a godsend- not right away, but life has been slowly, steadily getting better in the 15 months since I began seeing him.
It sounds as though you have found an excellent match, also. Maybe with him it's safe enough to begin to feel how awful it was to have a mother like the one you had- have. That could involve a lot of tremendous grief and mourning.
Posted by twinleaf on May 24, 2008, at 11:25:02
In reply to seconding what EE said.... » Emily Elizabeth, posted by twinleaf on May 24, 2008, at 10:19:13
Posted by Phillipa on May 24, 2008, at 11:53:09
In reply to seconding what EE said.... » Emily Elizabeth, posted by twinleaf on May 24, 2008, at 10:19:13
Strange cymbalta didn't help me either took away physical pain and that was it? Is there not a magic pill. I know the answer to that and it's no. Love Phillipa
Posted by Happyflower on May 24, 2008, at 22:30:42
In reply to Re: seconding what EE said...., posted by Phillipa on May 24, 2008, at 11:53:09
Thank you so much for all your support. I am feeling a little bit more optimistic today. I seem so mellow, no ups or downs, just cool as a cucumber. Kinda like smokin weed without the asthma I guess. LOL
My silly husband loves Cymbalta because it has the word cymbal in it and he is a percussionist.
Ms. Hugs, don't sweat it, you are being too hard on yourself, friend.
I gotta keep hoping I have no other choice really.
This is the end of the thread.
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