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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lucie Lu on June 3, 2008, at 21:09:08
Another very moving session today... we both agreed that the last session, where I was able to bring up so much of what I've been feeling unhappy about in our relationship the past couple of months, was really important. We also agreed about having an impasse, we both just had slightly different views about it was about. I started the session today by asking him what he thought the impasse was. He told me his thoughts, very honestly and thoughtfully, and I told him that I agreed but there was something missing in that picture. I then tried to supply that missing piece and we started to put together a picture of a really painful conflict I've been in for months - familiar I'm sure to anyone else with an ACOA history. Even though I really love and trust my T, periodically these fears of betrayal within the therapeutic relationship, of betrayal in any asymmetric relationship, take over. Then I have difficulty using therapy to help me get to a better place emotionally and help me resolve the conflicts that are raising those fears in the first place. My big fear is that I will suddenly realize that in fact I really do mean nothing to him - I'm only part of a long busy day for him - and that everything I value about the relationship will all be meaningless. He's never given me any reason for the mistrust and we work very hard to get out of these ruts when they appear but it's very hard. How can you work in therapy when you can't trust therapy, when you can't trust what's right in front of you? He doesn't take it personally, I told him that I do trust him - I trust that he will help me find my way out of this - and he says we'll go over this issue as many times as it takes. It's times like these, when my doubts take over, that I can only remember all the betrayals and disappointments I grew up with - everytime I began to feel noticed and valued, I was left hanging, which then made me feel like I was of completely no consequence, invisible. My T and I have gone over this again and again, my feeling of being able to make only very light footprints in the sand, blown away very easily by the slightest breeze. Our struggles together are helping me learn about trust and believing in myself and someone else. I still hold on to hope of getting there someday-
Posted by star008 on June 3, 2008, at 22:16:29
In reply to saw my T again today, posted by Lucie Lu on June 3, 2008, at 21:09:08
Lucie
I know what you mean about feeling like you are noticed and then left hanging.. It happened to me too.. It was so disappointing and made me so sad. I have trouble with that now too.. The old memories make it hard for me to trust. I think sometimes that my T likes me but that I am just one more person. I don't really know.. I haven't ever asked. We have know each other for years and years. I met him when I was 14, saw him for a few years and went about my life.. Didn't do so well there and ended up finding him again 20 years later. I have been around a long time.. have been in therapy for over 10 years now!!! da**m..the DID thing has held everything up for a long time.. We just didn't know it was there.
You sound as though you are looking at things very sensibly and that you are in a decent place..Some old things just have a way of showig up and screwing things up.. You can get through this..YOur T sounds great.
Posted by Dinah on June 3, 2008, at 22:37:00
In reply to Re: saw my T again today » Lucie Lu, posted by star008 on June 3, 2008, at 22:16:29
I think it's great that you're able to have this sort of discussion with your therapist. I've found it very worthwhile.
Trust must be a hard concept for me. I don't think that I trusted that my therapist cared about me until very very recently. So well over twelve years into therapy. It's probably a very common struggle. I hope it doesn't take others as long as it took me, though.
Posted by Phillipa on June 3, 2008, at 23:51:03
In reply to Re: saw my T again today, posted by Dinah on June 3, 2008, at 22:37:00
If it does someday I will be so old won't need one and will be in a geriatric rest home. Phillipa
Posted by Lucie Lu on June 5, 2008, at 10:43:28
In reply to Re: saw my T again today » Lucie Lu, posted by star008 on June 3, 2008, at 22:16:29
Star, I think that difficulties related to trust and fears of abandonment are what makes therapy such a long process for people with trauma backgrounds. And of course DID just complicates things. I remember reading that the average time in therapy before a person is diagnosed with DID is 7 years. Hope you're feeling better soon. -LL
Posted by Lucie Lu on June 5, 2008, at 10:52:10
In reply to Re: saw my T again today, posted by Dinah on June 3, 2008, at 22:37:00
Are there any of us on this board who do not have significant trust issues? Long-term trauma therapy apparently can be very hard for T's as well. You have to admire the T's who have the guts and tenacity to take us on for years and years. Your T's commitment to you all that time is awesome. You figure they must be getting something from the process of helping us. The money can't be all because I think there must be easier ways for them to earn a buck! -LL
Posted by Lucie Lu on June 5, 2008, at 10:57:01
In reply to Re: saw my T again today » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on June 3, 2008, at 23:51:03
> If it does someday I will be so old won't need one and will be in a geriatric rest home. Phillipa
If so then I'll see you there, Phillipa! -LL
Posted by B2chica on June 5, 2008, at 13:56:00
In reply to Re: saw my T again today » Dinah, posted by Lucie Lu on June 5, 2008, at 10:52:10
i'm sure the money isn't all it for my T.
i mean its hard enough for ME to deal with ME, and my T deals with me and how many other people EVERY DAY!!
yikes, that's enough to send me screaming down the halls...nope, all the money in the world and i couldn't do her job. she's GOT to love it...and the people.
Posted by Lucie Lu on June 5, 2008, at 17:22:12
In reply to Re: saw my T again today » Lucie Lu, posted by B2chica on June 5, 2008, at 13:56:00
Right? - you certainly couldn't pay me enough to deal with me either (lol)
This is the end of the thread.
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