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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on June 8, 2008, at 11:42:35
This is work related, but since the work board doesn't get much traffic and it involves therapy I'm posting it here.
I got some negative feedback at work last week and my defense of "I'm still in my learning curve" didn't cut it. T wants me to approach my boss on Tuesday and say something like "I'm confused about what you said last week about my productivity. I've been scannning documents for two weeks as quickly as I can and it's now caught up. I also did a _________ for _________ and he said I did a good job so that's why I'm confused about how my productivity is low."
I'm supposed to write it out and memorize it. I'm already anxiety ridden over this. I take clonazepam before work as it is. T is right that I'm not good at defending myself: I either get silent or angry and say something stupid. She thinks I need to be proactive on this or the next time he thinks I'm not working up to speed he might fire me. I can't take not having a job again and emotionally and economically need this one to go fulltime, but I'm scared to talk to him. Any confidence boosting advice/experience in a similar situation is welcome.
Help.
Poet
Posted by Phillipa on June 8, 2008, at 12:18:00
In reply to T coaching me on defending myself, posted by Poet on June 8, 2008, at 11:42:35
Apologize and then ask for his feedback on what he thinks you could do to learn as quickly as possible and boost your productivity. Bosses like to think you value their opinion just a thought? Might have to bite your tongue a bit. But if you think it might be worth it in the end then it would be worth it ya think? Love Phillipa and good luck.
Posted by ClearSkies on June 8, 2008, at 13:10:45
In reply to T coaching me on defending myself, posted by Poet on June 8, 2008, at 11:42:35
Role playing, rehearsals, strategizing, basic job stress coping techniques! If this is your first assessment at this job then your anxiety is probably through the roof :-( and you're expecting the worst in terms of how well you're actually capable of defending yourself. Try role reversal, where your T is you and you're the supervisor - and see how she handles it. It won't be you, but you might learn some tips there too.
I would - make notes ahead of time, write down any questions that you wanted to ask about the critique, rather than rely on being able to remember them while you're also trying to keep your lid on. All my good rebuttals fly out the window if I'm trying not to cry or keep the steam from pouring out of my ears.
I would also premedicate, if that's something that you would do otherwise for anxious times. If you don't have a prescription, I can highly recommend tincture of passion flower as a remedy for occasional situational anxiety. Slightly sedating but it won't make you stoopid.
CS
Posted by Dinah on June 8, 2008, at 15:30:53
In reply to T coaching me on defending myself, posted by Poet on June 8, 2008, at 11:42:35
I'm lousy at work stuff. But I have found it helpful to think out what I'm doing that might be affecting my work. For example, I tend to do things *right* when perhaps it would be better to just get it *done*. Not only does that cause me to be a bit slower than I might otherwise be, but it also leads me to procrastinate more than I might if I didn't see everything as such a big deal.
My bosses tend to like it when I propose something I can change.
But again, I know absolutely nothing.
I'm sorry you're having a rough time while you're settling in.
Posted by muffled on June 8, 2008, at 17:30:28
In reply to Re: T coaching me on defending myself » Poet, posted by Dinah on June 8, 2008, at 15:30:53
Funny thing I have found, is when I do defend myself, I worry that they'll hate me or think I just a b or something, but then they RESPECT me for standing up. I don't do it often, but when I have, its always astounded me that then people have respect for me.
So mebbe keep in mind that if you do it calmly and respectfully they will respect you.
I think practicing it is a GREAT idea, and keeping in mind that your saying what is right and true and just.
Fair is fair.
You go girl!!!
M
Posted by Fallsfall on June 9, 2008, at 7:21:17
In reply to T coaching me on defending myself, posted by Poet on June 8, 2008, at 11:42:35
Use this as an opportunity to clarify what the job is all about. Express a desire to do better, but explain that you thought that you were doing what he wanted. THis might give you an opportunity to identify something that is legitimately making the job harder than he knows (bosses often don't know what really goes on - like how many interruptions there are, or what other tasks you are performing etc.). Or you may discover that you are doing things in a way that is harder than it needs to be.
As a manager, I am always happy to spend time with people thinking through their processes and workflows. My job as a manager is to remove obstacles that get in their way. I can do that best if I know what the obstacles are. I am always happy to work with someone who says "I want to do a really good job, can you help me figure out how to do it better?"
Good luck!
Posted by raisinb on June 9, 2008, at 9:34:33
In reply to T coaching me on defending myself, posted by Poet on June 8, 2008, at 11:42:35
Yikes, that sucks, Poet. I agree with everyone else; just practice, and remember that asking him for clarification is completely valid, and actually shows caring and commitment to your job. It doesn't have to be done in a defensive or angry manner (I am the worst culprit here :)); you can set the tone and make it a helpful conversation. I think most bosses love employees who will come to them and have helpful, non-confrontational discussions like this, rather than stewing or ignoring feedback, or misunderstanding things. You are doing him (and your company) a favor.
Posted by Poet on June 9, 2008, at 18:22:51
In reply to Re: T coaching me on defending myself » Poet, posted by Phillipa on June 8, 2008, at 12:18:00
Hi Phillipa,
I am trying to convince myself that approaching him is better than waiting to see if he says anything again, but it's frankly frightening. Thank you for your advice, I'll let you know how it goes.
Poet
Posted by Poet on June 9, 2008, at 18:26:07
In reply to Re: T coaching me on defending myself » Poet, posted by ClearSkies on June 8, 2008, at 13:10:45
Hi CS,
I don't do well at role playing, but I did write out something to say though whether or not I'll be too nervous to say it remains to be seen. All my good rebuttals go out the window, too, which is why all I came out with was learning curve, not but I do this, this and this efficiently.
I am definitely premdicating, more than the usual dose, though I don't know if I am ready for this tomorrow. I'm hoping he's out of the office. I'll post how it goes.
Thanks for your help.
Poet
Posted by Poet on June 9, 2008, at 18:29:19
In reply to Re: T coaching me on defending myself » Poet, posted by Dinah on June 8, 2008, at 15:30:53
Hi Dinah,
I really haven't been there that long and it's only two days a week, but I guess I don't get a learning curve. The good thing is that I am left alone which is important to me, but it's so frustrating that he critisized my efficiency when I am as far as I know doing what I was told exactly the way it was taught to me.
I'll take meds and hope he's out of the office tomorrow.
Poet
Posted by Poet on June 9, 2008, at 18:32:07
In reply to Re: T coaching me on defending myself, posted by muffled on June 8, 2008, at 17:30:28
Hi Muffled,
I never think anyone has respect for me either. I hope you are right that if I calmly defend myself (I have a bad temper) that he will respect me. I'm still scared about approaching him, but I wrote stuff down to say and hopefully I will have the courage to say it. Then again as I posted to others maybe he'll be out of the office.
Poet
Posted by Poet on June 9, 2008, at 18:36:52
In reply to Re: T coaching me on defending myself » Poet, posted by Fallsfall on June 9, 2008, at 7:21:17
Hi Falls,
<< "I want to do a really good job, can you help me figure out how to do it better?" I added that to my "script" of what I want to say. I hope he is as open to removing obstacles as you are.
Thursday I finished everything I was given to do, so hopefully that got back to him, too.
I really do need clarification as to what the job is all about as most of what I am doing is not what I thought I was hired to do. Though the work I did that I got complimented on was what I believe I should be doing.
I'll post how it goes.
Thank you for your expertise, you sound like a great manager.
Poet
Posted by Poet on June 9, 2008, at 18:40:21
In reply to Re: T coaching me on defending myself » Poet, posted by raisinb on June 9, 2008, at 9:34:33
Hi RaisinB,
I am not good at being defensive either. I either get scared and clam up or get overly defensive and say not so nice things. I hope he appreciates my asking for clarification. I am still scared, but meds will help. I can always call my T.
Thank you for your help and encouragement.
Poet
Posted by Poet on June 10, 2008, at 11:25:49
In reply to T coaching me on defending myself, posted by Poet on June 8, 2008, at 11:42:35
I feel like a giant weight is lifted, he's out Thursday morning, too. Looks like my hoping he'd be gone panned out for me. Hooray.
Poet
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