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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by onceupon on August 7, 2008, at 15:21:02
Lately I've really noticed wanting to be similar to my therapist - or maybe it's that I want my therapist to be similar to me. For instance, I often wonder about what she's like as a parent and whether she makes some of the same parenting decisions as I do. Sometimes I find myself observing what I'm saying and wondering whether she would agree or disagree with it (things like sending my son to daycare or extended nursing). I feel like it doesn't really matter, but it also does. Because if she's totally dissimilar from me, then is she judging what I'm saying? Not even intentionally, just as a kneejerk reaction.
I guess the stuff about parenting comes up readily because it's so easy to get sucked into judgmental language around parenting choices (what seems to happen on a lot of online parenting forums). But my wish for similarity includes pretty innocuous stuff too, like taste in music, favorite books, etc.
I also wonder if she's ever experienced depression from the inside. I don't think that she has to have experienced it to help me with my own, and maybe it's even better if she hasn't, because she won't project her own experience onto me. But, but can she know what it's like?
IDK, maybe it just comes down to me wanting her to like me, and that's more likely if we have similar tastes? I remember from social psychology that initial attraction (not necessarily physical) is based a good deal on similarity. So maybe this is just my over-analytical mind going to task on something that I should just leave be.
There's a part of me that wants to believe we *could* be friends were I not her client. Not that I would necessarily want to, but that the potential was there. Just thinking out loud here, I guess. Anyone have this experience?
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2008, at 17:50:39
In reply to Wanting to be similar to my therapist, posted by onceupon on August 7, 2008, at 15:21:02
I don't think I'm typical of clients with therapists in this area.
I have absolutely no desire to be like my therapist.
And I know that we absolutely would not be friends in real life.
The things he likes to do are of no interest to me. His attitudes about worldly things are totally in opposition to mine. Even though we're both interested in theology, my theology and his are about as far apart as two people of the same general faith could be.
He's sophisticated and likes the finer things in life. Fine wine, fine food, fine things. He's a very fussy housekeeper by his own admission. His clothing, even his jeans, appear perfectly pressed and his hair always looks the same length, which means he must get it trimmed regularly. He tends to look down, I think, on people like me who wear ten dollar skirts, no makeup, and infrequently styled hair. My house would never pass inspection with him. He's Ralph's on the Park. I'm Liuzza's. Both fine institutions with well deserved respected reputations, but hardly interchangeable.
He hasn't even seen Monk for heavens sake. He has asked me if I've seen some reality shows I've never even registered as existing. (I'd made a tape of clips of Dr. Kroger moments, and am bringing it to share with him tomorrow, since I'm feeling pretty good and have nothing urgent to talk about.) About all we seem to have in common in culture is a fondness for the X Files and Star Trek. Hardly an unusual common trait for people of our generation.
But that's kind of what makes it work. My husband is enormously like me in a lot of ways. It's important in a spouse I think. We speak the same language and share the same values. In a therapist maybe it's not as important. I think there's a whole yin/yang interplay of complementary opposites going on. (If I understand the concept properly.)
My therapist didn't give the teeniest hint about his political leanings until this year, thirteen years in. Naturally, we are not in agreement on any of the major topics, even though neither of us is straight conservative or liberal on all of the topics. We both have a bit of both. Just not the same bit. :) The only thing we share in that area is an intolerance for intolerance that we acknowledge with a fair amount of humor.
Still, I've seen that it is important to a lot of clients. Probably for the reason you suggest. People do tend to be comfortable and be attracted to those that are similar to themselves. I think it makes perfect sense to want those things. Does your therapist self disclose about those things? I think they may be reluctant to do that for fear of disturbing any feelings of likeness that a client may feel.
I don't think there's anything wrong with wondering if your therapist would like you as a person outside therapy. Or that you would like her. It's kind of weird to know that my therapist would totally disapprove of me anywhere but that room. But it's also kind of nice to know that we've forged a strong bond in that room, despite our differences. Maybe even nicer than if we had a lot in common. I don't know if that makes sense.
Posted by raisinb on August 7, 2008, at 18:53:10
In reply to Wanting to be similar to my therapist, posted by onceupon on August 7, 2008, at 15:21:02
What a good topic. My feelings on this issue are extremely complicated. I used to feel sad, alone, and angry because my therapist and I are so different. Like you, I felt she'd never experienced what I go through. All this time, *she* felt we were very similar, so we had to negotiate through those opposing views. I guess I realized that I tend to look for reasons others might reject me, rather than looking for common ground--which would make more sense if I want the human connections I'm missing. I suppose in that respect she gave me a good model.
In many ways, I actively want to be different than her. It's similar to an adolescent's feelings about parents, I think. You want to rebel simply to define yourself as a person.
I guess I don't know if I actually want to be like her. There are qualities in her I love and value very much. But it's more appreciation and affection than wanting to be like--or no, wait, I think the affection actually *leads* to wanting to be like sometimes.
Hm, can you tell this is something I haven't worked out for myself?
Posted by Cal on August 9, 2008, at 3:06:09
In reply to Re: Wanting to be similar to my therapist » onceupon, posted by raisinb on August 7, 2008, at 18:53:10
oh yes, I use to see what books she had on her shelf and then go out and buy them. The first yr together I wanted to even copy her shoes, well ok not shoes but sandles LOL!...I just wanted to merge with her so much...since then I've learnt to slowly emerge from her and find that as much as I want to be "her" become one, I am me and thats a fact that can't be changed, sigh, but I know on the other hand thats the healthest way to be...but its been like a being born again thing...you know kinda off me_not_you_ thing that young children go through if their parents are doing a good enought job..I've found that as I parent my kids though, I feel as if I have internalised enought of T's loving care that I feel I am parenting me also through them and via T...if that makes sense? at the end of the day we will only pick up and internalise that which corresponds with who_we_are anyways...
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