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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by backseatdriver on March 17, 2009, at 10:47:06
Hi Babblers,
I had a weird moment in session yesterday and could use some help processing it. I'm in once-weekly psychodynamic psychotherapy for depression; family history includes emotional, verbal, physical and sexual abuse, primarily by my mother, who had a mental illness. I don't remember much of this.
I have been in therapy a little over a year with a male psychiatrist who also does psychotherapy. Lately I have been feeling more connected and *inside* my body, not just a disembodied intellect operating from somewhere up on the ceiling while my body goes about its business.
In session yesterday, when I started to talk about my first sexual experiences at 14 with a boy my own age, my T said,
"Oh?"
and it seemed to me that the room was spinning, that I was about to be invaded. I dissociated, and we spent the rest of the session trying to reconnect.
He made a misstep right away, which didn't help, saying that 14 was too young for sex. My inner 14-year-old bristled right up and rebelliously reminded him that "I am not from a nice middle-class neighborhood like yours." In other words, shut up. (My inner 14-year-old is very much the class warrior.)
This is the first time we have talked directly about my first non-incestuous sexual experiences.
I think I correctly perceived an intensification of his interest at that point in the session. His interest did feel prurient to me. But even if it was, this ought to be something I can handle. Prurience is not a mortal sin.
Apparently intensification of his interest around sexual matters really throws me for a loop. Throws me, emotionally, right out of the session. Any thoughts about how to re-approach this material next time?
And what about the "too young" comment? After a night's rest I think he was trying to be protective, as if to say "If you were my daughter I would have tried to help you with this." But my inner 14-year-old is still unhappy about it. (She wants to grow up fast, and get out of the house even faster.)
Developmentally speaking, how *does* one become a sexual person, growing up? Does this ever happen with parental support and approval, or it is always about painful conflict and disconnection?
BSD
Posted by raisinb on March 17, 2009, at 16:25:48
In reply to What happened yesterday in session? *triggery*, posted by backseatdriver on March 17, 2009, at 10:47:06
Whew, this is a tough issue. I would have felt judged with the "too young" comment. I lost my virginity at 16, but I absolutely felt sexual desire before that. (I remember teaching myself to masturbate at age 12--with my mom's 1970s copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves--it had instructions! Hooray for first-generation feminists who keep books around :))
It was a dumb thing to say on his part, I think. What matters is what the experience meant to you. How did it feel? Sexual experiences can be incredibly positive as well as negative. Learning about your body and sexuality is a deeply personal revelation (or should be, in an ideal world). Like any important revelation, I think, it doesn't operate on a timeline.
I'd talk about his comment and reaction first, and discuss your fears about approaching the topic. Hopefully, he can reassure you, or respond well enough, so that talking about it is not as traumatic.
Posted by seldomseen on March 18, 2009, at 7:34:42
In reply to What happened yesterday in session? *triggery*, posted by backseatdriver on March 17, 2009, at 10:47:06
Our situations sound very similar (if not eerily similar, right down to a make psychiatrist/therapist) and my mother is mentally ill as well.
When I begin to talk about sex, my therapist snaps to attention and focuses like a bloodhound on the heels of a rabbit. At first it *was* very disturbing, I thought he was a sex maniac or something and I had a very similar dissociative feeling that you had. He certainly seemed very lascivious.
But after we talked about it (well, after I accused him of being a sex maniac to be more accurate), I learned the way patients approach sex is very probitive (as in diagnostic, telling) about our current psyche and the way we translate our past experiences. So my therapist was very interested in learning about my sexual self in order to learn more about me.
His interest is rather innocuous. Now we even joke about it.
I do wonder, however, if our reactions to their interest are based in fear of their response. They aren't supposed to really care you know? But my therapist's reaction certainly suggested otherwise. It made me wonder what he would *do* rather than say. It was scary stuff.I talked to my T and heard his point of view. I then worked with him to control my reaction to his reaction. Letting him know where I was during the entire discussion and subsequent ones.
Regarding his comment that 14 is too young to have sex, even with someone your own age, he is likely approaching this from a different perspective than you are and I agree, he was likely being protective given your background.
I can't speak as to whether or not sexual development occurs without dissociation and discord. I've been working with my T to develop an inner sense of what is right and "proper" in that regard and what isn't. It's hard to be "normal" when all sense of normalcy was abandoned when we were little.
I would definately talk to my T about all this, and then talk some more, and when you are done with that, talk even more. I think it will help to settle a lot of the upset that you are dealing with.
Peace to you
Seldom.
Posted by Dinah on March 18, 2009, at 8:25:55
In reply to Re: What happened yesterday in session? *triggery* » backseatdriver, posted by seldomseen on March 18, 2009, at 7:34:42
> I talked to my T and heard his point of view. I then worked with him to control my reaction to his reaction. Letting him know where I was during the entire discussion and subsequent ones.
This is something I've found very helpful. It felt stilted and awkward at first. But commenting on my reactions to his reactions, to the conversation, etc. helps a *lot*. It lets him correct any misreadings I'm making of him. And it's therapeutic information in itself. And somehow very helpful in processing and moderating my own reactions to certain topics.
That being said, my therapist too seems more interested when I talk about sex. He always has. I'm not sure whether it's because it's an inherently interesting topic, or if it's because I speak of it so infrequently, or if it's more clinically relevant for some reason (maybe some holdover from Freud). It hasn't really bothered me enough to talk to him about it. Not in that context anyway.
Posted by SLS on March 18, 2009, at 8:39:43
In reply to Re: What happened yesterday in session? *triggery*, posted by Dinah on March 18, 2009, at 8:25:55
> > I talked to my T and heard his point of view. I then worked with him to control my reaction to his reaction. Letting him know where I was during the entire discussion and subsequent ones.
> This is something I've found very helpful. It felt stilted and awkward at first. But commenting on my reactions to his reactions, to the conversation, etc. helps a *lot*. It lets him correct any misreadings I'm making of him. And it's therapeutic information in itself. And somehow very helpful in processing and moderating my own reactions to certain topics.Wow. That's a great and productive insight. I'll remember to use it.
Thanks.
- Scott
Posted by B2chica on March 18, 2009, at 12:06:27
In reply to What happened yesterday in session? *triggery*, posted by backseatdriver on March 17, 2009, at 10:47:06
on 14-year old comment.
i just wanted to chime in here and let you know you that i became sexual (non incestuous), well had sex first when i was just barely 15. i was actually trying when i was 14, but the guys we went out with were usually quite older and when they'd either find out my true age or that (i was a first timer) they ran like bunnies.for me, i know now that it was a "this is MY body" issue, for once "I" wanted to choose. WHEN, WHO, WHERE. and i didn't want someone taking it from me. so that was my personal motives regarding age.
However, all bodies are different and some get the hormones that create sexual desire at a much earlier age. i knew one girl that was very sexually active at age 12.
*****************
although i know the issue here is more about how to have dealt with such a reaction from a T. BUT i wanted to comment because i just dont want (your 14-year old) (OR you) to have any lingering feelings of discomfort.b2c.
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