Shown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 1, 2009, at 19:45:18
And I had a pretty bad session last night. My T is just not on it right now. I basically told her I could only think of one way out of this situation and we sat in silence for most of the session. She had nothing to say until the very end when she told me I needed to let go of my former best friend who still is avoiding me. My best friend who feels like family. I told T that I couldn't do this -- I can't lose her AND my T all in the same year. It's just too much. It's too hard and too painful. You know what she said? "You have the strength inside of you. It's always been there." Just not all that helpful.
I'm really, really over this. I just can't stand to keep feeling this way.
Posted by Phillipa on April 1, 2009, at 21:27:12
In reply to I'm back in the black hole, posted by TherapyGirl on April 1, 2009, at 19:45:18
So she basically said you are stronger than you thought and could do it. Quite a compliment. Phillipa
Posted by seldomseen on April 2, 2009, at 9:21:31
In reply to I'm back in the black hole, posted by TherapyGirl on April 1, 2009, at 19:45:18
I hear you. The "you're stronger than you think" comment rarely sits well with me - even when it has been proven correct numerous times. Sometimes it feels very minimizing.
Why can't someone just say - "you know - what you are going through just sucks. It's not fair and it shouldn't be that way. I would feel like giving up too".
or even "is there anything I can do to help you find the strength to get through this."
A little empathy goes a long way in my opinion.
Take care.
Seldom.
Posted by raisinb on April 2, 2009, at 9:25:25
In reply to I'm back in the black hole, posted by TherapyGirl on April 1, 2009, at 19:45:18
I freaking hate it when they can see we need reassurance and caring and yet they play that "you're stronger than you think" card. Does it ever occur to them to just give us a hug and say "it's gonna be okay?" I guess there are multiple rules against that one, but honestly. It's so disappointing to have a bad session when you so badly need help.
I know your therapist, too, is going through a lot right now, and while it doesn't excuse her not being "on" it also doesn't mean she doesn't care about you and worry about your well-being. I'm guessing that in that silence, she was feeling guilt, anxiety, and intense worry about you and couldn't figure out the right thing to say.
Nevertheless, you've been through so much recently and she needs to step up to the plate.
If you are feeling this bad, I feel that you should give her a call.
The black hole will NOT last. It never does. I know it is hard to see your way out of it, but you will find it, and hopefully soon.
((((TherapyGirl)))) Hold on. This too shall pass.
Posted by SLS on April 2, 2009, at 12:10:26
In reply to I'm back in the black hole, posted by TherapyGirl on April 1, 2009, at 19:45:18
Tough one.
Does it help to know that people at PB are very interested in your welfare, and would do anything to make you feel better?
I don't think I have anything magical to say.
You do have the strength inside, but you are not strong enough to use it yet?
It is a matter of potential versus actualization. The potential is there. The ability to actualize it relies on things you have yet to learn.
More BS? Probably. I tried. :-)
Keep working. You'll get there.
- Scott
Posted by antigua3 on April 2, 2009, at 14:02:05
In reply to I'm back in the black hole, posted by TherapyGirl on April 1, 2009, at 19:45:18
If I hear one more time that I have the strength to get through this, I'm going to do something drastic to get their attention!
Why can't they just empathize for a minute, and give us what we need, so we can feel stronger, instead of making us feel guilty that we don't FEEL as strong as they think we are.
End of mini rant. I'm sorry you had one of those sessions. Would chocolate help?
antigua
Posted by backseatdriver on April 2, 2009, at 15:16:33
In reply to I'm back in the black hole, posted by TherapyGirl on April 1, 2009, at 19:45:18
Basically I think your T screwed up. She's right that you have the strength inside you -- I have been reading your posts and I am always impressed by your self-awareness and insight.
But she's not giving you any tools. (Possibly she doesn't have the insight or skills herself. You can't give what you don't have - that principle might be operative.)
It is hard to let go of someone you care about. Two people at once is really more than doubly hard. The whole idea of "letting go" implies a degree of control that one just does not have in this context -- that is the whole problem, that people don't just "let go" of other people the way you can let go of something you hold in your hand.
It might help to remember that our relationships are always at least partly imaginary. We dream up our friends and lovers, in a process of co-construction (they help us do it, we help them do the same). Your best friend will always exist in your memory, in your head and heart; same for your therapist. This is due not to anything so very special in them, but to *your* work, your effort, your sincere imaginative labor -- and it says something wonderful about you, that you are able to do this in such depth.
Other deep attachments will come to you. It probably seems hard to believe right now but I know this because it has happened to me. A door closes, it feels like the end of the world, and then, suddenly another one opens.
- BSD
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 2, 2009, at 18:37:32
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole » TherapyGirl, posted by Phillipa on April 1, 2009, at 21:27:12
Yes, I think that's how she meant it. But in the moment it was less than helpful.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 2, 2009, at 18:40:21
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole » TherapyGirl, posted by seldomseen on April 2, 2009, at 9:21:31
Thanks, Seldom. You are right about how minimizing it feels. And somehow critical, although I know she doesn't mean it that way. But right now it REEKS of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps," which makes me want to scream.
I like your suggestions better. She did say tonight, "I'm sorry this is so hard for you." But even that doesn't sit well right now. It doesn't feel helpful and I don't know -- it feels like the emphasis is on "for you," like this wouldn't be so hard for anyone else. Probably the depression talking.
We spent most of the session in silence again.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 2, 2009, at 18:42:48
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole » TherapyGirl, posted by raisinb on April 2, 2009, at 9:25:25
Thanks, Raisin.
I didn't have to call her because I had a 2nd appointment scheduled this week, so I saw her tonight.
Not a big improvement, although I do think she's trying. Of course, part of the problem is that our goals are so opposite right now. She wants me to fight through this and I want to do whatever I have to do to not go through this pain. It just doesn't seem worth it to me. So she's frustrated with me and there is always the hospitalization threat hanging over my head. It makes it nearly impossible to be totally honest with her.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 2, 2009, at 18:44:19
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole » TherapyGirl, posted by SLS on April 2, 2009, at 12:10:26
Thanks, Scott. It has been and continues to be very helpful to have the Babblers beside me, holding my hand and sitting with me in the black hole. I wouldn't have made it this far without you guys.
I'll let you know if I manage to actualize my potential strength. Right now it feels d*mned near impossible.
I do appreciate your kind words, though.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 2, 2009, at 18:45:57
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole » TherapyGirl, posted by antigua3 on April 2, 2009, at 14:02:05
Chocolate pretty much always helps, Antigua.
You understand perfectly, of course. And tonight she did try to make the connection and ask me what would be helpful. But I have no idea -- I just know it's not helpful to keep telling me I'll get through this and to act like right around the corner my life will get better. It won't. It really won't.
So I'm stuck in this place and she's frustrated. Not ideal.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 2, 2009, at 18:50:31
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole, posted by backseatdriver on April 2, 2009, at 15:16:33
Nail on the head, BSD. Thank you for expressing it so well.
I keep waiting for the tools, and instead she seems reluctant to even talk about her retirement. I told her in November that we needed to talk about this EVERY week because it would take me all of the time we had left together to try to deal with this. She said it would be her responsibility to make sure we dealt with that. She's brought it up exactly twice since then. I've brought it up a few more times. But mostly we don't deal with it.
Even tonight, when she asked me to tell her what I was feeling and why I was unable to tell her (we actually argued about whether she really wanted to know). I told her, "There are not enough drugs in the world and no words I can think of to make this okay, so it seems pointless. And you are part of the problem. And I feel like if I say the wrong thing, you're going to throw my a** into the hospital." Instead of dealing with the one issue that she might could help control she said, "I'm sorry this is so hard for you," and we spent the rest of the session in silence. It's just completely inadequate.
Posted by Phillipa on April 2, 2009, at 19:57:11
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole » Phillipa, posted by TherapyGirl on April 2, 2009, at 18:37:32
Strange I always like it when someone says something like that as gives me the confidence and the challenge to just do it. But we are all different and have different needs. Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on April 3, 2009, at 20:26:33
In reply to I'm back in the black hole, posted by TherapyGirl on April 1, 2009, at 19:45:18
I've started and discarded several replies to you. I just can't seem to find the words I am looking for. I apologize if this effort doesn't quite do it too.
Part of my whole Wizard of Oz discussion with my therapist was about being stronger (or braver or brainier, etc.) than I think I am. My therapist didn't quite understand why I found the whole suggestion so offensive. He says he hopes his other clients don't feel that way. That he sees it as a way of empowering people to believe in themselves.
We touched on a few different reasons why I hate it. One being that he usually says it when he's about to abandon me for some period of time. Another being that it is dismissive of how hard and overwhelming I find something. Another may be that when he says something about me that I don't believe, it makes me feel even worse about what *really* is inside me. I even admitted that nothing makes me want to be weak more than being told I'm strong.
But the biggest thing, for me, was that "you are stronger than you think you are" sounds so lonely. It feels like I'm being thrown in the sea and told that the person tossing me in is positive I'll reach the shore. It is such an isolating thing to say. "You have to rely on yourself." Something like that, anyway.
My therapist suggested resilient instead. But that still sounds lonely to me. More willow than oak, perhaps. But still standing alone.
But I think there is an alternative to being strong. Strength and even resilience aren't the only alternatives we have. There are probably plenty I don't even know about, but the one I'm happiest with is resourcefulness, or even cunning, in the least pejorative sense of the word.
I may not be strong. But when my therapist left me, I did try to think of other handholds to grasp. Other people who may not have been able to give me all that he gives me, but could give me some of it. I may not be strong enough to suffer the unbearable pain. But I might be able to find distractions from the pain so that there isn't an unending stream of it I need to endure. It's broken up a bit by hobbies or interests, or whatever it takes to distract me. (I do need to make sure the distractions don't end up being something that will end up causing me even more pain.)
You don't *need* to have as much strength as your therapist seems to want to think you have. And that you may or may not have. We aren't meant to be oaks or willows. We're meant to be part of a network of supports. Your therapist is leaving, and I'm darn angry at her for that. Relationships shouldn't just stop that way. Your friend isn't able, at this time, to be what you need her to be. But there may be others who can give you some of what you need. Some of the time.
You've got us. I'll bet you have others. Maybe none of your other supports can carry as much weight as your therapist, or as your friend has. But between everyone you can find, maybe you can cobble together enough of a support network that you don't have to be a mighty oak.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 3, 2009, at 20:54:20
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on April 3, 2009, at 20:26:33
Thank you, Dinah. I'm going to print this out to give my T if it's okay with you.
One of the things she said to me during session 2 (and the only thing she said about her leaving me) was that it was important to name it. Well, I named it months and months ago. I feel like I'm way past that point and that, too, is less than helpful right now.
You are right about the huge holes these two people leave me with. I was counting on the best friend to distract me from the loss of T. She is one of the few people in the world I (used to) feel completely safe with. So I'm not saying I can fill those holes, but you are completely right in your assessment.
Thank you for taking the time to write this to me.
Posted by Dinah on April 3, 2009, at 21:45:54
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on April 3, 2009, at 20:54:20
Definitely it's ok with me.
I'm glad if I was able to find words that were helpful to you.
Your therapist really needs to start to addressing her retirement better. Maybe you should tell her that you think she's strong enough to start living up to her responsibility. :(
Posted by rskontos on April 7, 2009, at 0:40:22
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole, posted by backseatdriver on April 2, 2009, at 15:16:33
This is the end of the thread.
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