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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by onceupon on April 19, 2009, at 2:03:10
I'm curious about whether others' therapists have pictures of their families on display at their offices. When I was seeing my current therapist at a different office, she had a picture of herself and her two-year-old (I'm guessing) son, and one of her and her husband. Both looked like professional portraits, and she had her arms wrapped around her son and husband. The pictures were clearly visible from where I sat, and I would often glance over at them (because I barely made eye contact and they happened to be in my field of vision). I found it painful to look at those pictures - sort of stark reminders of what I lacked in my own life.
I took a break from seeing her, and when I went back a couple of years later, she was in a different office. Now she has pictures of her just her son and her daughter on her desk. I've been trying to figure out how I feel about this.
Do your therapists have pictures of their families on display?
Posted by Dinah on April 19, 2009, at 9:05:56
In reply to family pictures, posted by onceupon on April 19, 2009, at 2:03:10
Yes. :(
I don't mind the small photo of him and his wife out somewhere fancy. But the picture of his daughter with her smiling face and direct gaze used to be pointed directly at the couch. It felt sort of like a slap. Here is my "real" daughter. Also, it was kind of hard to talk about difficult topics (sex for example) with a young fresh faced girl gazing at me.
He's got them angled away from the client seat now, which helps. And I've gotten used to them. But honestly I think they have no place in a therapy room. At least not in one where the therapy is based on the relationship. If he wants to look at them, that's fine. He can keep their faces on his cell phone. He looks at that often enough.
It's not a sore spot with me anymore. But I think it's technically a poor choice for a therapist.
Posted by raisinb on April 19, 2009, at 9:37:45
In reply to family pictures, posted by onceupon on April 19, 2009, at 2:03:10
No, and I would find that painful and traumatic, too.
I think it's conventional wisdom that therapists not display family photos. However, each therapist has his or her own boundaries/comfort level. Definitely, the choice to show them would produce way different kinds of transference fantasies than the choice not to, I think.
Posted by sunnydays on April 19, 2009, at 10:35:38
In reply to Re: family pictures, posted by Dinah on April 19, 2009, at 9:05:56
He has pictures of his kids on his desk, but the desk is far enough way from the therapy area and they are angled so that, although I probably would have figured out they were family pictures, I never would have gotten a good look at them if he hadn't shown them to me once.
sunnydays
Posted by MollieQ on April 19, 2009, at 14:24:57
In reply to family pictures, posted by onceupon on April 19, 2009, at 2:03:10
You have to assume that everything in the therapy room is there for a reason, and I can't for the life of me understand how personal family photos benefit the client. Perhaps they are there to ground the therapist? If so, I would have thought that putting them inside the desk to look at between sessions might be more discreet if they really need their own transition objects ;-)I would hate to see photos of my T in the room, and thankfully he has the tact and sensitivity to avoid it. I really am curious about other T's... has anyone asked their T why the photos are there, given the inevitable sensitivity of some clients to them?
Posted by sunnydays on April 19, 2009, at 16:45:22
In reply to Re: family pictures, posted by MollieQ on April 19, 2009, at 14:24:57
I haven't asked, but he's very discreet with how his photos are displayed. They really are almost hidden. I assume he has them there because he adores his family (not transference - it's clear from his comments) and likes having their pictures there. My T is pretty open about his personal life (in an appropriate way), so it seems natural to me that he would have them there.
sunnydays
Posted by softheprairie on April 19, 2009, at 17:37:05
In reply to family pictures, posted by onceupon on April 19, 2009, at 2:03:10
I'm glad mine does not have photos on display.
Posted by Suedehead on April 19, 2009, at 18:56:22
In reply to family pictures, posted by onceupon on April 19, 2009, at 2:03:10
My therapist doesn't have any photos in the office I see him in; he has a home office, too, but I've never been there, so I don't know how it's decorated.
Am I alone in thinking that a therapist's keeping photos on display might not always be such a bad thing? It's possible that I'd flip out if I ever really saw a picture of his family, but I *think* that I'd like to see them. I tend to like a lot of self-disclosure from him--it makes me feel more connected to him and humanizes him in an appealing way--so maybe that's not surprising. It does hurt to think about his life outside of the therapy room, of course, but the pain is mitigated by the feelings of closeness and trust that his disclosures engender.
Posted by sunnydays on April 19, 2009, at 20:29:05
In reply to Re: family pictures, posted by Suedehead on April 19, 2009, at 18:56:22
I don't think it's a bad thing at all (probably obvious from my posts). I go through periods where I am envious of his kids (I'm probably lucky he doesn't have a daughter - I could see some serious transference issues then, but I can deal with his having sons). But then it's nice when he wants to show me he updated his desktop with a new pic of his kids or something - it's like he's letting me into his life in a way that I bet he doesn't let a lot of his clients in - he didn't start doing more personal things like that until a few months into my therapy and he can't see most clients for more than a few months because of the place he's at.
I've never seen a pic of his wife, and I'd actually kind of like to. I know her first name from when he's referred to her, but nothing else about her, really. I'd kind of like to be able to fill in that relative blank in my picture of his family. I've asked him questions about his marriage that he answers, but he doesn't share much at all about his wife. (I have asked things like how often he and his wife argue, because I'm trying to figure out what 'normal' is like).
Anyway, you're not alone from my perspective. :)
sunnydays
Posted by rskontos on April 19, 2009, at 20:56:13
In reply to Re: family pictures » Suedehead, posted by sunnydays on April 19, 2009, at 20:29:05
My therapist doesn't have photos of his family. He has pictures that I could draw in the dark because I too stare at them or the carpet. I never knew carpet threads had so many colors in them. LOL
anyway, I am not sure where I stand on family photos. I haven't had to think about it.
rsk
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on April 19, 2009, at 21:48:55
In reply to Re: family pictures, posted by rskontos on April 19, 2009, at 20:56:13
Neither of my T's have had family pix, but then again, one was single with no kids and the other was married with no kids.
Both of my pdoc's had fam pix though. That feels sort of different though, doesn't it?
I would be curious to hear what T's have to say about why they make this decision. Perhaps some feel that it is an extension of wearing a wedding band. Or that they want to show that they are human too.
Cool thread.
Best,
EE
Posted by Suedehead on April 19, 2009, at 21:54:52
In reply to Re: family pictures » Suedehead, posted by sunnydays on April 19, 2009, at 20:29:05
Yeah, mine only has sons, too--I have wondered whether I'd feel differently if he had a daughter (I probably would).
Your therapist showing you photos of his kids sounds nice. I love it when my therapist does things to let me into his life--I've found that his sharing just a little bit of himself goes quite a long way to making me feel at ease with him. He doesn't tell me a whole lot about his family; I know that he has two boys, and I know how old they are. Sometimes he tells me about conversations he has with them, or things they've done together. He never talks about his wife. However, he's pretty open about himself; he tells anecdotes about his childhood pretty often, which I love. He also talks about his experience in grad school pretty readily (I'm in grad school now, and lots of our work centers around this).
Anyway! Glad to know I'm not alone :)
Posted by antigua3 on April 20, 2009, at 10:02:39
In reply to Re: family pictures, posted by rskontos on April 19, 2009, at 20:56:13
I, too, know the strands of carpets in my pdoc's office!! That gave me a nice laugh.
My pdoc has no photos in his office, which is good for me.
My T has pictures all over the place. Even pictures of my kids were on display at one time. Kind of odd to walk in and see pictures of your own kids, I might add. But with her, I can see it. She has a daughter and while it hurts sometimes, it does lead to therapeutic conversations about how I feel, so it's good she has them displayed.
I have no desire whatsoever to see my pdoc's family, although I know it exists, and what it consists of--three daughters!! Too much info for me, but I didn't learn this until recently.
Interesting thread.
antigua
Posted by softheprairie on April 21, 2009, at 1:49:40
In reply to Re: family pictures, posted by Suedehead on April 19, 2009, at 18:56:22
> My therapist doesn't have any photos in the office I see him in; he has a home office, too, but I've never been there, so I don't know how it's decorated.
>
> Am I alone in thinking that a therapist's keeping photos on display might not always be such a bad thing? It's possible that I'd flip out if I ever really saw a picture of his family, but I *think* that I'd like to see them. I tend to like a lot of self-disclosure from him--it makes me feel more connected to him and humanizes him in an appealing way--so maybe that's not surprising. It does hurt to think about his life outside of the therapy room, of course, but the pain is mitigated by the feelings of closeness and trust that his disclosures engender.
Oh, I didn't mean to say I didn't want to know about him and his family. Quite the contrary. I already knew he was divorced and had a son and daughter. I am closer in age to his children than to him, and he reminds me of my deceased father. For a while I was looking up his child's Facebook account a lot to try to get to know more about my t. I think it was to try and find things we had in common to focus more on in what I say, and that I'd maybe not address as much things where our opinions differ. It was really consuming my thoughts. I finally admitted it to him. I was so nervous and had to be prepared for him to not want to see me anymore, but he took it fine. If he was mad he didn't let it show.
My interest has decreased, as I hoped. I had said the one child with the more public Facebook account could change the privacy setting, and around two months after I told t, I could no longer get to the one child's updates (the other had had the higher privacy setting all along, but I previously had been able to see both of their comments when they were on the wall of the more public one).
So, I was mighty interested, but I don't think I would want to have to see their pictures in the office.
Posted by Dinah on April 21, 2009, at 7:37:01
In reply to Re: family pictures » Suedehead, posted by softheprairie on April 21, 2009, at 1:49:40
I think I agree.
My therapist has always casually mentioned his personal life, and has never made a big secret of it. His wife showed up at his office one day, unannounced. I think he was annoyed with her, but I suggested he take care of whatever it was before our session, and I didn't mind a bit. It let me put a face to my imaginings.
But a picture is different, to me. I really didn't mind the picture of him and his wife, other than to idly think it probably wasn't accepted practice to have it there. But the picture of his teenage or preteen daughter bothered me no end. I'm not positive I was completely honest with him about that. I think I mentioned that I didn't like the picture looking at me while I was trying to talk about private things, which was true enough. He put on a layer of mulishness when I said that, so I didn't elaborate. Several months later, both pictures were angled toward his desk rather than the client chair. But then angling them toward the client chair was a message, wasn't it? Why weren't they originally angled to his desk? Or his own chair? He was showing them off, and that was inappropriate. I suppose someone else complained about talking about sex or something with a young girl looking at them.
But the truth was I felt like it was a slap. That he was telling me "This is my real daughter. She matters to me."
And maybe he was. Not that he'd ever admit it, even to himself.
Posted by 10derHeart on April 21, 2009, at 13:22:25
In reply to Re: family pictures, posted by Dinah on April 21, 2009, at 7:37:01
>But the truth was I felt like it was a slap. That he was telling me "This is my real daughter. She matters to me."
Ouch. It hurts just reading that.
Posted by Dinah on April 21, 2009, at 14:13:21
In reply to Re: family pictures » Dinah, posted by 10derHeart on April 21, 2009, at 13:22:25
Of course he'd just blink his eyes in total incomprehension and say he hadn't thought much at all about the photos.
Posted by 10derHeart on April 21, 2009, at 16:18:27
In reply to Re: family pictures » 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on April 21, 2009, at 14:13:21
oh yeah, I know that kind of look and response. I suppose (with my T. anyway) it's genuine, but still hard to fathom they need[ed] *us* to teach them these ever-so-seemingly-obvious things!
I will post later about my T's photos. There are plenty, but there is a bit of a back story with him.
Well, on the phone I surely don't see or not see them. One tiny benefit of phone sessions? Very, very tiny.
Posted by onceupon on April 21, 2009, at 19:11:47
In reply to Re: family pictures » Dinah, posted by 10derHeart on April 21, 2009, at 16:18:27
Thanks so much everyone for your thoughtful responses. I didn't mean to post and run, but got super busy in the meantime. I'll be back later to say more, but just wanted to acknowledge everyone's in the second I have here.
This is the end of the thread.
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