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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 20, 2009, at 1:17:45
I'm supposed to be working. This is the second day of no concentration at work. So, I was supposed to make up for it tonight. It's 11:00 PM my time and all I'm doing is journaling about my crisis and trauma this past week, writing about my therapy pain, surfing the web for dumb photo applications so I can put more than one picture of her on my desktop (well, they are hardly pictures - just icons I found awhile ago - no, nothing new - I haven't surfed for her anymore), and tooling around with my music. Oh, and of course I have the recorded message of her sounding a bit firm with me as she is trying to pull me out of my desperation this week by telling me that she really wants me to not feel alone and that she wants me to know how much she cares about me. She also said she's "not going anywhere." Somehow her parental tone (which I rarely, if ever, hear) is so comforting to me.
This post may not make sense if you haven't seen my other recent posts, but to some it up in one sentence: I FREAKED out, bottomed out in the roller coaster valley, and told my T I wanted to quit therapy cause I couldn't take it (and she was going to let me leave after a few more sessions to discuss it). Anyway, I coming back up for air and I think I'm going to stay with it.
Tonight I just need attention. I feel like acting out but it's late and I need to work and what would I do anyway? I have to wait until Thursday evening to see her and I just feel so needy. I mean, I'm OK now. But the intense need for attention is amazingly strong. Anyone up late?
:-)
FMD
Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 20, 2009, at 4:09:28
In reply to Just looking for attention, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 20, 2009, at 1:17:45
I can't stop myself. I really have NO SELF CONTROL right now. What is my problem? I have *not* been drinking nor do I have any other excuse. It's 2:00 AM now. I'm not clicking on stuff, just Googling and scanning the results. Which did mean I found another tiny profile photo which I snagged for my desktop. I didn't click on anything, THANK GOD. But I promised myself I wouldn't even look. I am just SO DESPERATE. I feel a little crazy obsessed right now. I *have* a wonderful message from her which I have listened to a thousand times. Why can't that be enough? How come I don't feel safely connected to her? She has totally made herself available as much as she can within her style and of course all of the therapist boundaries. Why do I want/need more? I literally don't know how I will make it until Thursday. And I don't mean in a dangerous way (for once). I just mean I can't stand being in my own skin without her right now. Yet, if she were sitting in front of me I would probably be crying and rejecting her support. I am totally a freak.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 20, 2009, at 4:17:59
In reply to Just looking for attention, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 20, 2009, at 1:17:45
Have I reached that point in therapy or "my work" where it either starts really deepening at this point or fails? I mean, is this the hardest it gets? I mean, I liked her from the start in so many ways. I began getting attached quickly. And then I got really super attached in different ways - mostly in a way that felt romantic. But now, what's this SHITE? I feel like a baby. Really. I really truly need her to save me. I need her to hold me and love me and matter to her. F*ck. I'm totally screwed right now. This feels all too familiar, but it's like I can't place it. I feel pain and shame and rage and fear and love and just plain DESPERATE. I have to sooth myself somehow. After Saturday's face plant into the city sidewalks, I am NOT going to drink even though I am quickly understanding why people want to get high. JES*S that would be nice right now. Not that I do it. But I sure want to do something! Get me out of this body! How many cat videos can I watch on YouTube to laugh this off? By the way, laughing is the only thing that gives me a few seconds of relief right now so if you have any suggestions, feel free to send them my way.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 20, 2009, at 4:25:20
In reply to Just looking for attention, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 20, 2009, at 1:17:45
I guess I'm trying to sooth myself by posting. Even though clearly the rest of the world is sleeping. HAHA. I'm breathing. I'm doing that four second thing. Really.
I just realized that I might be having a bit of a panic attack. Guess what? I have Ativan. Just remembered. Hmm.
I have to teach a class in the morning. In just under 8 hours. Will that be effected if I take one right now? I really want to call her, but I think her phone sends a text message and that could wake her. Plus, she might think I'm in crisis cause I have been earlier this week. I don't want her to worry.
Wait, of course I want her to. I want her to care about me above everything right now. I just don't want to be a burden. And as I say that I realize that I don't really want her to care about me above all else. That would freak me out actually. I need her to care about herself and her kid and all of that first. Cause then she is real and possibly real enough to trust.
What am I saying anyhow?
Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 20, 2009, at 4:34:03
In reply to Just looking for attention, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 20, 2009, at 1:17:45
Are there rules about posting too many times in a row on this thing? I'm going to back away from the computer now. The cat is crying. Maybe I'll go pet her. You know, make it some kind of major projection. See if that helps.
I'm going to try to be done. It is hard though. Writing here is so different from journaling. Just the thought of other people being around online. At some point. When the sun comes up. Wow, I'm losing it. Yet, I still keep clicking the submit button...
Posted by workinprogress on May 20, 2009, at 10:38:48
In reply to AAACCCCKKKKKKK!!!!! Sorry everyone for craziness!, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 20, 2009, at 4:34:03
I don't think you're crazy. And I think you're right about posting and how it's different from journaling. You were trying to find a coping mechanism to not feel so alone in your pain. Reaching out to us is good. And you aren't alone, but unfortunately you had to wait to get a response and that was probably hard and disappointing.
I also think what happened, in the series of postings is that you wound up- and as my T would say, flooded. It is a pattern I repeated endlessly when I was feeling so much like you are now. Basically I was trying not to need her and not to hurt and trying so hard to hold back the feelings that I just flooded and then couldn't function. I couldn't think. I couldn't do what she had told me about my feelings- think about my feelings and feel about my thoughts. And know, that feelings are like the weather, they will pass and change.
Another thing I noticed in your post is that you feel like a baby. That is so HARD, because we're always told that is bad, immature, etc. My T always said I think it is very brave of you to allow yourself to be small with me. I'm not sure how she said it, but basically she said it like it was a goal, to trust her enough to be ok with feeling small, to let myself be small with her and need her. Now I'm sure some would take great issue with that, but again, it worked for me. I very often have my need to feel small with her days. The days when I want to curl up in her lap. I know it's easier said than done, but now I can let myself have that feeling and know there's nothing wrong with me and it is so much more calm than the flooding cycle I went through before. And it doesn't hurt AT ALL- on the contrary, it's comforting. But it used to hurt just like you described up there.
Of course, you are different and so is your T. But, I would say, it's ok and good for you to need and want to attach to someone and your T should be the right one to do it with. So, I really encourage you to talk to her about all of this. Did you mention much of it last week?
Also, I used to get an earlier/another appointment when things go really intense. It's hard to ask for that though. But when I did she validated it. And lastly, I spent so many pages of my journal talking about "too much" and "too needy". FMD- everybody has needs. It's ok to need. And that's exactly what my T told me over and over. AND- I finally don't feel "too much" or "too needy" ... even though I call my T and leave a message (rambly usually) EVERY night.
That fear of being "too much" or "too needy" and crossing boundaries and angering my T was huge. Opening up the door to talk about my fear of that was what really started the conversation going and it was where I first began to trust her.
Please talk to her as much as you can. Tell her what you're afraid of... even if you don't tell her your other feelings.
Hang in there...
WIP
Posted by raisinb on May 20, 2009, at 12:28:55
In reply to Just looking for attention, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 20, 2009, at 1:17:45
FMD,
I only have my story, but I wanted to share it with you. I also had an intense, agonizing sexual and emotional transference with my therapist. The worst part lasted for over three years.
Somehow, we got through it and it has subsided. Mostly because I changed, through it and because of it. I still get little attacks of sadness, neediness, love--but it is not the kind of agony that used to make me go home, sit in the closet, get drunk, contemplate suicide, etc.
Stay strong. It *can* get better. For me, leaving (which I did a number of times) didn't help. It only made all the feelings stronger. I finally gave in and stopped quitting. I think you can do it too. It sounds like your therapist is right there with you.
Posted by raisinb on May 20, 2009, at 12:33:12
In reply to Re: Just looking for attention » FindingMyDesire, posted by raisinb on May 20, 2009, at 12:28:55
I guess what I wanted to say is that I still love my therapist, but I don't hate myself for it. Somehow that makes the transference a lot less gut-wrenching.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 20, 2009, at 19:50:31
In reply to Re: AAACCCCKKKKKKK!!!!! Sorry everyone for craziness! » FindingMyDesire, posted by workinprogress on May 20, 2009, at 10:38:48
Dear WIP, Thanks again and as usual your post and stories are so helpful. Even the next morning cause today I have been pretty much the same. At least I had work as a distraction, but could only barely get lost in it.
"think about my feelings and feel about my thoughts"
That is an interesting statement. I've been pondering it. I guess I should be pondering my feelings about it. I think I spend a lot of time criticizing my feelings. That's sort of like thinking, but not really the stated goal here. ;-) This must be similar to my T saying I need to try to be curious about my feelings (instead of beating myself up over them). As for feeling about my thoughts: Hmm. I think this relates to my trying to control myself by intellectualizing things instead of letting the feelings happen. I dunno. I will think more about that. Thank you so much for sharing it.
And, wow, what you said about the baby thing was helpful. I think that's the first time I have written about that feeling and I do have so much shame. And around being TOO- (fill in the blank with anything bad here).
I left another message for her today and expressed the worry again about being too much. She called back reassuring me, but this time she seemed really extra firm about the fact that it's OK to call her. Somehow I believed her this time. I don't know if she is sounding more parental or if because I'm feeling more childlike then I'm interpreting her that way. Anyway, it helped. I seem to respond to that.
Now, I just have to make it until I see her tomorrow night.
Oh, and then I have to make it through the session!
FMD
Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 20, 2009, at 20:05:58
In reply to Re: Just looking for attention » FindingMyDesire, posted by raisinb on May 20, 2009, at 12:28:55
Raisin,
Thanks so much for sharing your situation! It just doesn't seem very common on this board to hear people talk about the sexual transference very much. And it SURE helps to know I'm not the only one.Plus, just in general, your situation gives me hope. Although, 3 years for the worst of it!?!?! haha. Wow.
I don't know if I have threatened to quit like this before. Many, many times to myself. And maybe once or twice I have mentioned (or threatened) it to her, but this has been different. We are still sitting in needing to have a conversation (tomorrow) about whether I need to leave. Of course, I DON'T want to. It's just so, so hard.
I would like to talk to her about what it means when I get so deep in a state that I would want to quit. I agree that just thinking about it makes me feel worse (for example, what happened to me Saturday). But, how do I remember that in the moment?
Thanks again,
FindingMyDesire
Posted by Dinah on May 20, 2009, at 21:06:32
In reply to Just looking for attention, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 20, 2009, at 1:17:45
Nothing wrong with looking for attention.
I think one brilliant thing my therapist did was to tell me that I didn't need to be in bad shape to get his attention. I could call just because I wanted to. I could, in affect, call and say "I am looking for attention." and he'd give it, of a sort.
In practice, it doesn't work out that well. But then again in practice it never works particularly well to call him. Still, knowing I can somehow makes it feel less urgent.
Do you have as needed meds? I find my Risperdal is a godsend when I'm spiraling out of control. And I've grown to know that if I take it, I'll be calmer in a bit, which helps me hold on till it works.
This may not be true of you, but I find I get more obsessive in all sorts of ways when I need to distract myself from something. It may feel like the object of my obsession is the cause of my distress, but if I objectively look at what's going on around me, I often find that there's something I'm trying to avoid or something I'm trying not to think about. It seems odd, since the obsession often causes me more grief than the issue I'm trying to avoid. But nevertheless I find it's true - of me anyway.
Is there something in your life, aside from your therapist, that you are trying to avoid or not think about right now?
Again, it may have no relevance at all to your situation.
Posted by raisinb on May 20, 2009, at 21:52:35
In reply to Re: Just looking for attention » raisinb, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 20, 2009, at 20:05:58
In the moment, it is terrible, I know. But your therapist has to help you with that. Try not to take all the responsibility. She will get you through it.
It's easy to feel like you're the only one with intense sexual transference. But you are not! I can't even tell you all the things I've fantasized about doing to my therapist :) And struggled so much as to why. I mean, she's a typical suburban mom, really, and not my type at all--if I passed her on the street I wouldn't even notice her.
One thing that has helped me is analyzing all of my fantasies in detail, to get to the needs behind them. And to accept those needs. They really are okay, just basically human--perhaps intensified by bad parenting, or being frustrated for years. But not bad.
It sounds like your therapist can handle your feelings just fine. I have to tell you, at times, I don't think mine could. And it was awful. But I finally had to come to the place where I felt--fine, that doesn't matter. This is who I am, for better or for worse. Our relationship hasn't ended in perfection. Far from it. But I don't think it should. We're human, and part of the beauty of that is the messy, difficult, sexually intense, strange parts of us.
There aren't any quick solutions, but it sounds like you're on your way.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 21, 2009, at 23:19:32
In reply to Just looking for attention, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 20, 2009, at 1:17:45
Part of me feels like, "Here we go again." I tank, I suffer, I finally share my pain, I get care (amazing care where she gets me and even adjusts some things to make it better/easier for me), then I start down this next path. I start feeling the love for her. Next I'll want to shower her with my feelings and declarations of love. I'll survive that and feel like I can take on the world. I'll start being me again and taking up space - doing the things I love and asking to be seen and supported by my partner.
And THEN, it will all start over.
So, maybe I won't wait this time until I feel the disconnection part coming. I'll just tell her that's my fear next time I see her (instead of/or in addition to the love feelings). Right now I feel like I could trust her with anything.
And yes, I shared some of the dark and ugly parts tonight. I told her what self-destructive behaviors I exhibited this week. It didn't seem to change how she cares about me or scare her off though. She just was right there with me.
Thanks again to everyone who helped me through this week.
FMD
Posted by workinprogress on May 22, 2009, at 2:14:22
In reply to Therapist totally came through for me, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 21, 2009, at 23:19:32
FMD-
I had a rough day today (work is crazy) and this totally put a smile on my face. I'm so glad to hear you trusted her some more and that it turned out so well for you. I just hope you'll keep sharing and talking to her. I know it's hard and it's in your own time, but this process can be healing in itself... hang in there if you can. And we're here..
> Part of me feels like, "Here we go again." I tank, I suffer, I finally share my pain, I get care (amazing care where she gets me and even adjusts some things to make it better/easier for me), then I start down this next path. I start feeling the love for her. Next I'll want to shower her with my feelings and declarations of love. I'll survive that and feel like I can take on the world. I'll start being me again and taking up space - doing the things I love and asking to be seen and supported by my partner.
>
> And THEN, it will all start over.
>
> So, maybe I won't wait this time until I feel the disconnection part coming. I'll just tell her that's my fear next time I see her (instead of/or in addition to the love feelings). Right now I feel like I could trust her with anything.
>
> And yes, I shared some of the dark and ugly parts tonight. I told her what self-destructive behaviors I exhibited this week. It didn't seem to change how she cares about me or scare her off though. She just was right there with me.
>
> Thanks again to everyone who helped me through this week.
>
> FMD
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