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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 1, 2009, at 13:01:37
This seems to be a bit of a theme around here so I thought I'd add my latest experience with the horrors of When Worlds Collide.
I have this coworker who I really like. I have been at my new job about 1/2 year and he and I have been really drawn to each other. I have begun working on projects with him and he's just super cool. Plus, next year my daughter will begin going to the same school as his daughter so we are bonding over that.
A few weeks ago he said he was going to hire an old colleague to come do an internal workshop for us. (You know where this is going.) I was talking about him in therapy, using his name, etc. T interrupts (an important story having to do with my gender struggles) to ask if he is a particular person that she knows. I confirm it. Turns out they used to work together and she just got an email from him out of the blue. (Note that my T rarely, ever shares anything at all about her real life, personal life, family - nothing.) I try not to let this derail me in the moment even though I'm freaking out. I leave therapy and suddenly it all comes together. OMG, my coworker has emailed her to hire her to teach me this thing!!!!! FREAKY!!!! That just won't do, naturally, so I call her and leave a message to that affect. She calls back reassuring me that she wouldn't knowingly invade my space, or some such thing, like that.
I proceed to casually ask coworker who he has hired for the workshop. He names a name. Not T. So, in my long ago obsessive Internet Search, I had found a few previous job locations for my T. She's a young, web-saavy person whose other job is somewhat web related. As such she *is* out there, even though she does her best to hide most all personal info from the likes of me. However, I am able to confirm that this new person and coworker and she all worked together at the same old place. Of course I immediately don't want this information. Turns out the other person doesn't take or get the job or something so that's good...
But wait, it gets worse.
Time goes by and coworkers all start ramping up on the Facebooking of each other. (You know, again, where I'm going with this.) I know she is on Facebook (totally protected, but I do have her profile pic on my desktop to prove she's there and that I am obsessive.) Anytime I add anyone I check their friends to be sure she is not there. Well, guess which coworker she is hooked up with? UGH! So, I march in to work and tell him. I just say it. So and so is my T and I'm totally in love with her and deep "in it" so I can't be your Facebook friend. (He, btw, has been a therapy goer himself and I knew he would understand.)
He expresses how much he cares about me and is invested in my friendship and says he will think about emailing her to "unfriend" her because I'm in the here-and-now and she is from the past, etc. I think, that's super nice and makes me feel good and OMG I am stricken with GUILT.
But wait, there's more.
Then I listen to him go on and on about how totally great and fabulous she is. The best in her field, a great person, etc. To some extent this is nice to hear. Confirms what I know or imagine. Then he says he used to have quite a crush on her. She was so helpful to him, and so great, blah, blah, blah. I'm not saying anything to encourage him to go on, but I'm not stopping him either.
I'M SO INSANELY JEALOUS I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!!
He emails her that day, apparently.
That night I had therapy and she brought it up in this awkward way. She SO respects the ethical rules, etc. that the whole thing is weird. Was there someone I told about her...? I save her. Yes, I did. Him. Then I tell her the whole story (minus the part about his crush and my jealousy mind you.) She says even though I told him she is my T and he said that in his email, she cannot confirm it to him. We talk about Facebook and what my reactions are to this whole thing (which I diminish reality about 10x) and she leaves it to me. I tell her I would like it if I could have him on FB. End of that story, supposedly.
But wait, there's more.
Next day he bounds in all cheery - "all impediments to our FB friendship eliminated and so we are connected now." I think I look a little guilty and he sees it. He says (probably to comfort me and also totally without consciousness), "It's OK. We can always email each other. She sent a nice email back and even asked about (the city we live in)'s preschools." I nod and say something like, "Oh, that's nice." He leaves.
I F*CK*NG FREAK OUT AGAIN!!!!! SHE AND I LIVE IN THE SAME CITY!!!!! I DIDN'T KNOW THAT AND NOW I DO!!!! OUR KIDS ARE IN THE SAME SCHOOL DISTRICT!!!!
I'm going to have to tell him he can never mention her again. I just feel so stupid that I can't be normal about such things. Now when I see him I think of her. I think of how they must have talked and had coffee together and probably hugged!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEEEELLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!! I can't shake it off of me. No wonder I feel apart in therapy this week. No wonder I am so angry at her.
Phew. I won't even believe it if you made it this far.
FMD
Posted by Dinah on June 1, 2009, at 16:02:28
In reply to Real World Interruptions - LONG story, posted by FindingMyDesire on June 1, 2009, at 13:01:37
I hate encounters, directly or indirectly, with my therapist outside the therapy room. It's excrutiatingly embarassing for everyone.
Your coworker was very nice about it all. And your therapist was too. It's a shame you know someone who is on friendly terms with your therapist. It would make me uncomfortable too. I'd be worried he'd talk about me in passing, or I'd want to talk about him, and it would be dreadfully awkward.
But there's nothing really to be done about it, except not to bring up your therapist with your coworker. Likely he won't either. After all, he doesn't chat about her all that often before this, so once the dust settles he probably won't again.
Posted by Daisym on June 1, 2009, at 20:52:34
In reply to Real World Interruptions - LONG story, posted by FindingMyDesire on June 1, 2009, at 13:01:37
What a mess! I know this awful feeling.
A few years back, an office mate was looking for a therapist for her child and was referred to my therapist's wife. Their offices are right next to each other and they share a waiting room. They have another partner, who does some natural healing stuff - whom her child was working with. So I'd already experinced walking into the waiting room and running into them. It was more than I could take - because of course I don't want to hear how great his wife is...
It didn't last, TG.
And most recently, as my group is starting up again, I said to the group leader, "and please don't add clients who see X (my therapist). I just can't take hearing about how much they love him." I felt selfish but it is the truth.
I hope things settle down soon.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 1, 2009, at 21:11:58
In reply to Re: Real World Interruptions - LONG story » FindingMyDesire, posted by Dinah on June 1, 2009, at 16:02:28
Dinah,
Yes, I definitely won't be bringing her up with him - even though the pull is there. It's like being drawn to something repulsive almost. That's how I feel when I get the urge to surf the Internet for her. <deep breath>I do hope it passes and I can get back to normal with him. I agree that it will probably settle down (fingers crossed).
Thanks for your reflections.
FMD
Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 1, 2009, at 21:16:39
In reply to Re: Real World Interruptions - LONG story » FindingMyDesire, posted by Daisym on June 1, 2009, at 20:52:34
Daisy,
Oh, I can feel the awkwardness in it all.I wouldn't be able to handle being in a group of people who had seen my T. (Clearly! HAHA) My *jealousy* would probably melt me into a puddle. I like barely completing the thought that she even has other clients.
On the one hand I think she is so incredible that I hope she has a 1,000 clients cause that would mean that many more people in the world helped by her. But they are only allowed a few sessions. She mine. Hee Hee
FMD
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