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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 1, 2009, at 21:08:09
So, I am trying to use the words "I'm curious about..." when I start writing about my feelings or some huge reaction I have had to my T. Of course, I don't feel curious (yet), I feel really critical of myself. But it might be helping just a little.
I can't make one of my appointments this week and I know I am totally at risk. I called to ask if she had *anything* else. (Of course, wishing that she would have already offered it - so that's my starting place.) She called back right away - within hours - and left a message with a time I could make. Wow. I called back and said I would take it. As usual, I knew she would call me back one more time to confirm that the slot would be mine. She called immediately. I was still holding my phone. (Actually I hold it a lot - I think it has become one of my transitional objects!)
Here was my mistake. I answered. I did this because I felt embarrassed that I shouldn't be able to. Does that make sense to anyone? I wanted to just be a normal person who can answer when my T calls and just have a business-related exchange.
Me: "Hi, I'm answering."
T: "Oh, OK. I"m just calling to confirm our appt. for blah blah" or something like that. "I think it's good that we try to keep some consistency right now, blah, blah."
Me: "Great, thanks."
T: "See you <at our next meeting>."
Us: Byes all around.I hang up.
I feel so hurt and angry! WHY????? I could kick myself. Why did I pick up? What did I want from her? Sh*t, she gave me another appointment for Pete's sake!!!! My transference must be rearing a huge ugly head these days. (What am I saying, it has been for two years.) But it's BIGGER THAN EVER! ARGH!
I'm curious though (hee hee) about my big reaction to such a small thing. Clearly I wanted something different. What? What could she have said or asked? Maybe I wanted her to offer that she hopes I'm doing OK, that she got my other messages, that she was glad I seemed to be doing a little better, that she really looked forward to seeing me later this week and hearing about my weekend, that she cares about me. Uh oh. That was it.
My mom?
Phones SUCK. My mom does not know how to carry a two-sided phone conversation to save her life. It's all about her all of the time. And if she asks how I am it's in an accusatory way, like, don't you dare indicate that you need anything cause then I'll just fall apart... besides, "you never call me. How come you don't call me more?" Gee, I wonder.
*sigh*
Maybe.
My T, btw, is now not only my "lover" in this infamous onstage play they call Transference, but now she is maternal and parental and just all of them. I am feeling it all right now. I've got them all going! Session before last at one point I wanted to crawl into her lap like a baby. Later, I got aroused and imagined myself making love to her. Now I'm just mad. Wow, the rage.
More sighing.
FMD
Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 4, 2009, at 1:05:06
In reply to A (Somewhat) Objective Whiff Of The Transference, posted by FindingMyDesire on June 1, 2009, at 21:08:09
I have no idea why I am finding it easier to post here than write in my own journal lately. I don't think I have ever been this active on this board or taken up this much space - and not usually for this long (unless in a really, major crisis like during the miscarriage). Anyway, I'm curious about that? I'm curious why I want my thoughts to be public right now, even if too long to read. :-)
There is something to it. Possibly relating to the shift that is happening in therapy. And in my relationship with my wife. I didn't fully cycle this time. I mean, I suppose I did but it was different. The worst of it I felt *with* my T. Instead of alone, drunk, on some sidewalk. I did not end up downstairs destroying things that are important to me. I did not stop writing in my journal or here. I did not try to quit therapy as I did just a few weeks ago. I got through this one. I cried, heavily with my T about my wife and about her, my T. I'm sure it's all mixed up together. I know it is. But what's not mixed up is them. My feelings may get all projected and transferred and confounded with real life, fantasy, and projection. But they are separate from that. Well, my T is anyway.
I feel a love letter coming on. Actually, that would be the next part of the phase or cycle usually. A love fest. I go telling my T how totally awesome and incredible she is and how much I feel for her. I want to do that this time too, but I have more information than I did before. I understand myself a little, tiny bit more. On the one hand I feel like avoiding trying to understand it and intellectualize it. I think I will get more out of "the process" if I just let it "unfold." (All these groovy words I learn from her.) But I did get just enough understanding to know that I want to totally give in to the transference and just let it take me over so she can help me sort through it and get to *me*. The other part of me wants to sort through it first and somehow find a way to just hand her the real stuff about her and control the rest. You know, do it right and correctly. I want to be the "smart" patient who gets it all before I get vulnerable and messy about it.
Oh wait, maybe that's really cause I don't want to be made a fool of later. Would she laugh at me someday? "Haha. Remember the time you thought you were in love with me and didn't really know me at all? Haha. That was so funny. Such a silly little phase you were going through. Glad we got beyond that to the real problem."
Hm, wow, I can find my inner critic pretty quickly!
It's like I want to just let go and really DO this. I do. She said it. When leaving me a message - this week I think - when things were super hard for me. She said that part of me really wants to look at the dark feelings and process them - or something like that. She said I wanted to make a change or something. I'm not saying it as well as she did, but basically the message was that the reason I'm not actually fleeing the scene is cause I want to work through this stuff. This yucky, dark, self-loathing, feeling of shame and disgust. (These are my words, of course.)
She is right. She is really right. I trust her. (Yes, please feel free to quote me back to me later when I'm telling her to f*ck off or something.)
Of course, being angry with her is all part of it too. That's the harder one really. It's actually easier to admit that I fantasize about her expressing how much she sees me by making love to me like no other can than it is for me to feel angry in her direction. That strikes me as a little funny, actually. lol
I have therapy tomorrow. I'm hoping to go in there and just BE whatever I am. I am learning that I actually can't *will* myself to be open or vulnerable or whatever. I haven't figured out why I can or can't sometimes. I want to think it's her. I want to think that my T is totally responsible to give me the space and care and permission, perfectly, in that moment to allow me to be me.
Hm. I wonder if I want that from other people in my life who *for sure* can't be expected to provide such things.
Did I mention I love my T? SH*T I just want to shout it with profanities. What does that mean?
I have this "transitional" object. I was thinking it held quit a romantic meaning for me. It does. But, currently it has totally become a childlike attachment thing. I see it now - how I can feel both and how that can be confusing and how *that* can cause shame. I get that one can become aroused through anxiety or just closeness or intimacy with a T. I get that. I wish that were all that was at play here. I really want her. I don't have any delusions about that. I am so very clear on the boundaries and the sexual boundaries don't hurt me. I explore all I want to (finally) in my fantasy world and that is quit nice. When I can talk to her about them it's AWESOME. Somehow I shed layers of shame and it really helps me illustrate so much about me and what I want. But it is so super, super hard to go there (and sexually stimulating). But all of this sexual yearning or arousal during intimacy with her is all wrapped up in my child needing her and wanting her love. Whoa! That's too much.
But that also helps explains for me - or illustrate actually - so much about previous relationships where I pined after someone in total pain and agony. Yearning and wanting and just feeling rejected all of the time. Hm. Sounds a little like childhood hurts more than just being in love with someone while I can't have them (usually because they were straight and I was a lesbian). It's so convenient that my T is straight and I'm a lesbian then, isn't it? Oh, and that she is my *type* totally for real in real life. And now all of these parental parts she seems to be playing - all of these childlike emotions are being stirred up. I get it!!!! That's why I'm having trouble having an adult-adult relationship with my wife!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cause I project all of this SH*T!!!!!! I'm not being critical right now, actually. I'm just seeing some of it so clearly - out of my peripheral vision anyway. Journaling and writing helps so much. But right now I don't think I should be overthinking it. And I think I am. I think I'm trying to control it.
I'm afraid of being too much. I think that's my biggest verbal and conscious fear. I'm sure there are ones below that one, but that's the one I have identified. I'll be too much and then she will reject me. Will that happen? I wish I knew what that would look like so I'd know what to avoid.
But right now I trust that it simply won't happen. She won't leave me. I actually FEEL that she cares about me. I can feel it. I want to somehow feel it when I'm with her and I want to express that to her. Somehow it seems like if I can just do that and survive it. If she doesn't then start laughing hysterically at me, call me a fool, and then yank the rug out from under me I will be free(er) somehow. I will know on even another level that I can "trust in this process" as she says. She says it so much I sometimes think she is trying to *will* me to believe it. You can't do that, my dear T. Won't work. *And* it triggers my fear that this is taking too long.
Hm, this week she said something on her message about me feeling like I wanted it to all happen faster and that it takes time. Maybe I should tell her of my fear that she is trying to *will* it to happen to make it go faster.
I think we were on, like, week 6 or something waaaaayyyy back when I started almost 3 years ago when she pointed out to me that it seemed as though I was very concerned about being a good client. I have always denied that. I mean, I have admitted to my very *obvious* need to please others - especially those in authority - and I have expressed my self-critical feelings about how selfish that really is cause it's about gaining their love. So, the thing I think is most valuable is actually the most selfish. Now I'm super disgusting! But, the truth is that I *still* want to be a good client. I want to be her favorite. I want her to love me. I want her to think I'm smart and moving right along and "together." I never want her to see my snot or hear about my bouts of depression/crisis on the basement floor smashing my favorite watch. She can never know about the dark thoughts I have about death. She can never really know how important certain things are to me around my sexuality or gender or photography or having another baby. If she sees these things or knows these things about me, I will never go back in her good graces. She can never really like me again. I'm then nothing.
But, guess what? She has started to see these things! And hear these things! Not all of them. And not always cause I plan to share. Actually, rarely cause I plan to share unless I am writing. I tell her *way* more when I write. It's just happening sometimes somehow. And she hasn't LEFT me yet. I mean, she might be faking it, but it seems like she still cares. And if she's faking it, it will come out soon enough. She can't really expect to fake it for the *years* it's going to take me to do this therapy work. YEARS. A LONG TIME.
Phew. That is one crazy-long post.
I love you Babblers. I am all in the love right now. Thank you so much for just be you and being so authentic and sharing so much and encouraging and supporting each other with so much love. It's inspiring and moving.
Hm. Yes, I do *totally* mean that. I had to be sure cause I'm definitely still in my "I want attention" phase. But it's true. I just have the capacity to express my appreciation right now.
:-)
FMD
Posted by antigua3 on June 4, 2009, at 7:15:40
In reply to Another long'n cause it's more fun than journaling, posted by FindingMyDesire on June 4, 2009, at 1:05:06
It sounds like you are in a really wonderful place right now, understanding so much of what is going on IRL and in therapy. Go with it!
You've opened up with your T so much and now seem willing to let her see the dark side of you, and lo and behold, she doesn't think you're disgusting, unworthy or all those other things we beat ourselves up about. You are going through transference and it sounds like you've turned an important corner. It's not easy, I know, but it's freeing to be able to turn yourself over to another person so completely.
I'm not minimizing your pain at all, I'm just telling you to keep at it. During transference, we all want to be that special one to our Ts; that's entirely natural, and if truth be told, we're all special to our Ts. It's just not always "how" we want to be special and that's so much a part of the process.
I like the idea that you're just going to go in and freely be yourself and let her guide you. Sometimes that's when the best things happen, the insights come that we never expected.
It's great you're writing here and feel safe to do so. So many people here are going through the same thing and you are never alone.
Congratulations on your efforts and recognizing the patterns that have guided your life for so long. You should be really proud of yourself.
antigua
Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 4, 2009, at 16:32:45
In reply to Re: Another long'n cause it's more fun than journaling » FindingMyDesire, posted by antigua3 on June 4, 2009, at 7:15:40
Thanks so much for writing! It felt so good to have the positive parts of this process reflected back to me. I'll have this to go back to if/when it gets super hard again.
Today is my therapy day! Took me 20 minutes to try to figure out what to wear, even though it's just the same kind of thing I wear everyday. Silly. Not so carefree, but just all part of it I guess.
:-)
FMD
Posted by workinprogress on June 5, 2009, at 0:55:40
In reply to Re: Another long'n cause it's more fun than journaling » antigua3, posted by FindingMyDesire on June 4, 2009, at 16:32:45
FMD-
Sorry I've been out of touch. I've been on an out of town assignment working 90 hour weeks and that will continue for the next three weeks. I've had my own T issues over that. We're trying to make do- my usual messages and a scheduled video chat session or two. Oh.. and a request for a care package, which she was very excited about getting just right (that made me feel loved AND like she really knew me- which was cool).
But anyway, I just wanted to say I've been following and I'm proud of you. I know how hard this stuff is and I think you've made some big strides. You should give yourself a pat on the back. Hang in there.
xo
WIP
This is the end of the thread.
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