![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua3 on June 2, 2009, at 20:47:58
Has anyone integrated their little children that have lived inside of them?
I ask because in a dream my little one, who suffered the abuse, died in a dream. She drowned in the ocean while my pdoc was on the deck of a ship.
I discussed this tonight with him and he said that it was integration, that the little girl had become a part of me now.
But I feel devastated. She may have been the one who was abused, but she was also the innocent, vibrant one who possessed all the hopes, creativity, dreams, love of life and joy. She had this, but it was hindered by the abuse and I thought if she could get past the issue, to "accept" it, then all of that would become part of me, too. I don't feel I possess these attributes on my own.
I feel like she's gone and all those wonderful things are gone with her.
Am I crazy? Have I been delusional my whole life? I feel such a tremendous loss and fear that my life isn't worth living without all the things she brought to me life.
antigua
Posted by Dinah on June 2, 2009, at 21:46:28
In reply to Integration**possible trigger, posted by antigua3 on June 2, 2009, at 20:47:58
Does his interpretation of the dream ring true to you? I'm not great at dream interpretation, but I'd think there was more than one possible way to interpret most dreams.
I've never achieved or wanted integration. But isn't the whole idea that if there is integration, those delightful aspects of that part of you would become part of the conscious self? You wouldn't lose those qualities, you'd just lose the dissociation of them so they'd feel part of your conscious self.
If she's gone away, that doesn't seem like integration to me. If you feel that part of you as a part of your core conscious being, that sounds like integration to me.
Speaking from relative ignorance.
But surely it can't be good to lose such fine qualities that you don't consider your own?
Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 2, 2009, at 21:55:02
In reply to Integration**possible trigger, posted by antigua3 on June 2, 2009, at 20:47:58
Dear Antigua,
How hard to have those thoughts and feelings. I want to say something so that you feel supported.I guess my main thought to this is something I think is really, really important. Integration means a coming together, a combination, becoming whole. I hear you that you don't feel like you can access these wonderful and beautiful things that you mentioned about your inner child. But they aren't gone or your pdoc wouldn't have used the word integration.
They are *not* gone, in my opinion. Maybe your dream is a sign of the beginning of integration? The middle? Somewhere on a life-long continuum of work towards this end? She did not die. It sounds like it was a really, super important dream. But I know that integration would not mean "gone."
I know I'm being strongly opinionated and may not be saying it the right way. But I hear your fear and your pain. It almost sounds like you feel abandoned by her. She has not left you. Cause she is part of you. You have in there the "innocent, vibrant one who possessed all the hopes, creativity, dreams, love of life and joy."
I don't know much about your particular situation, but it just seems like this has to be the truth.
Hope what I have said is OK. I'm sure thinking of you.
FMD
Posted by Phillipa on June 2, 2009, at 23:52:03
In reply to Re: Integration**possible trigger » antigua3, posted by FindingMyDesire on June 2, 2009, at 21:55:02
She now lives in your heart never to be forgotten or hurt as you are the protector of her that's my interpretation. Love Phillipa
Posted by Daisym on June 3, 2009, at 0:14:11
In reply to Re: Integration**possible trigger, posted by Phillipa on June 2, 2009, at 23:52:03
I think I have a different interpretation of your dream - no offense to your pdoc.
Water in dreams is often symbolic of either the unconscious or of femininity. (You know, that whole monthly cycle, moon, tides, etc.) Drowning can mean being overwhelmed (or the fear of being overwhelmed) by something in your psyche - you might be moving to fast into a particular area or suppressed material may be getting ready to come up and out. Drowning can also represent a rebirth of some kind. (again, the feminine piece.)Dreaming about drowning is also a way that we express being overwhelmed or scared about the here and now. Too much to do, too many details, not enough money, not enough time...all this stress can show up in our dreams as drowning. I think it is interesting that you pdoc is up on deck and doesn't save you or even notice you need him. (did I get that right?)
I think perhaps, this dream may be warning you that the little girl inside you is scared about releasing the secret she has been keeping. Maybe she still doesn't trust your pdoc to hold it with her. Or, deep down, her reason for being may have been perceived as only the secret keeper - thus she may feel like she is dying if you need her for this role less and less. But you acknowledging her value for other things - her innocence, etc. tells me that she could be morphing - dying like the Phoenix in order to rise from the ashes. So what she represents isn't really gone - you have the power to hold on to those parts, even if you are integrating most of her. Because she is you and you are her already.
I don't remember all of it, but I read somewhere that drowning is a separation - especially from your mother. I think part of the process for survivors is separating from the person who was abused and the person you are now - meaning going forward with inner strength, not denying that you have a past. And certainly not leaving the good stuff behind.
I'm not sure any of this makes sense.
I'm sorry you are sad...
Posted by antigua3 on June 3, 2009, at 7:55:33
In reply to Re: Integration**possible trigger, posted by Dinah on June 2, 2009, at 21:46:28
Thank you so very much all of you for responding when I feel so awful. I was devastated last night and didn't know where to turn. I cried more last night than I've cried in years. While my T and pdoc would say this is good, it isn't.
I hope you don't mind if I reply in a single post. It just makes explaining easier.
I woke up so early this morning, not able to sleep, and I was touched by the replies.
Before I explain more about the dream, and another one, too, I woke up this morning with an insight that fits.
My stated goal with my pdoc is to work through and "resolve" my Oedipus complex, to learn to have a healthy relationship with a male authority figure. As many of you have been kind enough to read over the three or so years I have been with him, it has been a tough battle. I was very resistant, vicious, etc., toward him until I learned to trust him. (Actually, the trust came about when I came to understand how devastating negative transference can be to a therapeutic relationship--and yes, it was always a misunderstanding on my part about him saying we have no relationship. We cleared this up when he admitted this and was concerned that I didn't believe this to be true for several years. This was a turning point in our therapy and another long story I won't bore you with.) What matters is that I trust him now and I know he will not abandon me. Do I feel safe with him? Not always, but when I don't we really work on it.
In any case, my basic issue is that in the abusive situation with my father, the Oedipus complex was "realized," if that makes sense. It does to me, now, so we are working on going through the Oedipus complex in a safe environment. That's what he says, but I still have lots of issues over this because, for one, while I do have transference with him, at this point I can't imagine opening that love your father part with him because I don't have these feelings for my pdoc, or I'm too afraid to go there. He's a person, I've accepted, and while he may be a stand-in for my father I would be too horrified to feel the way I did about my father when I was a young girl.
We've been doing some very intense, albeit painful, work at a steady pace. Sometimes I feel like I never have time to come up for a breath of air before we go right into the next tough issue. (there's that water imagery again). Maybe we are going too fast, and he does bring this up, but it's like I can't stop, and the feelings, flashbacks and painful feelings just keep showing up and we try to deal with them. I haven't had a light session in months and months. I even started seeing him weekly because the pain between sessions was too great, but I've had to stop that because of the cost.
Sorry, I'm rambling. The insight: If he is the father figure, he told me last night that the daughter needs to die. Maybe he didn't put it that way, but that's what I heard. And isn't that the very fear I had as a child? That I would die?
In all the time I've been with my pdoc, I've never had a single dream about him. I've had three (two on the same night) in the last two weeks. In fact, I don't really dream anymore like I used to. I wake up feeling horrible many times, but I can never remember the dreams. But the terrible feelings are always there.
In the first dream, two weeks ago, there are a set of really disgusting triplets--hideous, deformed creatures--locked up in a room. I'm giving a tour of my "institute" to a group of investors and I know that a decision needs to be made about what to do with these horrible creatures. Two are connected by the head, Siamese twins (my mother & father? and my T & pdoc by extension) and the third is a small girl. In the dream, I am certain that these creatures need to die--either to be killed or let die naturally. All of sudden my pdoc is there. He is there to "treat" the triplets. He is keeping them alive whereas I want them dead. His interpretation was that maybe he was keeping them alive so that they could come out of the room. So, here he is saving the third triplet, me, really, and after he said this, I realized that yes, she wanted out of that room and away from the other two.
He thought my identifying the Siamese twins was an "interesting interpretation," which meant he didn't quite buy it, but he couldn't figure it out either.
The second set of dreams were last week, on the same night. In the morning, this is what I remembered.
In the first dream, me and a younger part (not the youngest, though) are walking up from the forest, and through my beautifully green, manicured yard up to the back of my gorgeous home. There are three marble steps (there's that three again!) leading up to a long patio toward the back door. The whole back of the house is glass, top to bottom, and since it's night, the light is flowing out onto the backyard. (I used to dream of houses all the time; I know they are me, or parts of me.)
Two trees have fallen down from the forest. I'm confident that me and my younger self have chopped them down and I'm feeling really good about it.
My T is standing on the top of the marble steps. He is concerned that the trees have come down and that the tips of the larger one have landed on the steps (too close to the house is my impression). But I don't care. I feel strong and powerful, and know that this was the right thing to do, to chop down the trees. That's the full dream. My pdoc is concerned is really his only part.
In the second dream, which came on the heels of the first, the grown-up me and my smallest one are in the dark, stormy ocean water. Waves are hitting against us so hard because the water is so choppy. My pdoc is on the deck of a ship, even in some type of Navy uniform. I don't know if he had tried to save us (I have some feeling that he did but I could be really wrong about this), but he is standing there at attention in front of his Superior Officer, who tells him, "They all can't be saved." At that point, I realize I'm going to drown, and that the little girl has already drowned. I just know I'm going to die, too. (I have an abuse incident from my childhood where I thought I was going to drown, BTW).
That's the dream. My pdoc really had no interpretation of the first one, except that I obviously was feeling powerful. He said it was a message TO him, that I felt more powerful than perhaps he realized, and when I questioned this as I don't think it's true, he admitted he was making an interpretation of an interpretation. He lost me there.
In the second one, he wanted to know who his superior officer was. I thought it was the limitations he puts on therapy that prevent him from helping me enough--his boundaries, rules, orientation, etc., and that by having someone else tell him "we can't save them all," he was let off the hook--he had no responsibility for the fate of that girl and woman in the water. He didn't agree; he wanted to know who that person was, but we didn't keep on this. Instead, that's when the talk about the little girl dying came up, and the discussion of integration. He saw it as a positive thing, but I kept saying "I know I'm going to die too," and he kept saying, "But you didn't."
It wasn't acrimonius at all. But how can he be "saving" the triplet and then allow that same little girl to die?
And yes, integration should be about bringing all those joyful things inside of the adult me, but it feels like a death of all those things. And a father letting his daughter die.
I can't adequately describe how hopeless this all makes me feel. That my soul, the little girl, has been torn from me. She's not there anymore. I don't feel her at all.
So maybe we're going way too fast. I don't know. I feel like I've been stripped down to my bare essence without anything to replace it. This is not the person I expected to emerge like the Phoenix as someone suggested. Maybe it will take time, but there's something wrong about all of this.
Sorry to be so very long, but thanks for reading.
antigua
Posted by Dinah on June 3, 2009, at 9:46:46
In reply to To All.. Sorry, but very, very long.., posted by antigua3 on June 3, 2009, at 7:55:33
Antigua, what I say may have a whole lot to do with my feelings about parts, so take with a pinch of caution.
I do not in any way, shape, or form, think any imagery that has to do with one part "dying" has anything at all to do with integration. If it had to do with integration, I think the imagery would have more to do with walls falling down, or joining in a beam of light. Integration does not involve any part of you dying, it involves embracing a part of you, dropping all that divides you from it, and accepting that it is part of *you*, not just part of the body.
My therapist would never ever ever hint in any way that any part of me, even the most difficult and angry and troublemaking part, should die so that the rest of us could live or grow or get better. Or even that it would be a good thing. He'd tell me to jump in that dang ocean, save that part of me, and he'd send out a rescue team.
You are not enhanced as a person if part of you dies.
Maybe that part of you is hiding. Maybe it feels overwhelmed or frightened, and it's gone beyond where you can feel it. I've had the experience before of totally losing touch with my emotional self for sometimes long periods of time. Maybe it's angry. Maybe it's sending the dreams to tell you how it feels.
I'd question him about your perception that he meant that the daughter needs to die. I can't imagine that that's what he meant. If he's the father, shouldn't the daughter feel safe?
I've heard stories of moments of integration, but I don't think they involved anyone dying. For myself, I suspect that integration will mean feeling something and not being entirely certain *who* felt it. And being less and less certain over time, until I just say that *I* felt it, and have no sense that there's two different feelings going on at all.
But my thoughts are heavily influenced by things I feel very strongly about. And everyone's experience is different.
Posted by twinleaf on June 3, 2009, at 10:06:27
In reply to To All.. Sorry, but very, very long.., posted by antigua3 on June 3, 2009, at 7:55:33
Right now, this situation sounds pretty complicated, with you and he differing in your interpretations of the dreams, and with you feeling quite a lot of pain and uncertainty,
My experience of seeing a psychoanalyst is that he almost never interprets a dream that i bring in. He will try to help me interpret it, and, quite often, we both let parts of it go, only to find that I understand more about it later on. If it's important, it probably will come up again! This is a long way of saying that I think YOU are the primary player in both having and understanding your own dreams. Maybe he can back off and allow you to do that.
Posted by antigua3 on June 3, 2009, at 11:11:09
In reply to Re: To All.. Sorry, but very, very long.. » antigua3, posted by Dinah on June 3, 2009, at 9:46:46
You have a wonderful T, but you know that already.
"Dying off" of parts has been a recurrent theme in my therapy for years so it's not unusual that this would come up at all. In the past, I've wanted her to die because she was in a different form, and it wasn't one I cared for, to put it mildly. But she didn't die, or wouldn't really, she just became stronger and developed into this person I love very much.
Maybe she is sending me signals that she needs to go underground, that all this intense work is too much for her--especially the opening up to a male figure. So maybe I should just be hopeful that she isn't gone for good. Thank you.
You're also right that he probably wouldn't want me to think that the "father" wants the "daughter" to die. Maybe I went over the top there, so thanks for reigning me back in.. At that point, he was being the intellectual therapist and I was responding like a child. We're still out of synch on this and will have to talk about it.
To be fair, when I dwell on the dying, he talks about it being a rebirth instead.
I'm sorry to have been so melodramatic. It was just the most painful session I think I ever had. I could call him, but what would I even say?
Thank you again for your thoughtful post and being brave enough to read all that I wrote!
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on June 3, 2009, at 11:12:06
In reply to dreams... » antigua3, posted by twinleaf on June 3, 2009, at 10:06:27
Posted by antigua3 on June 3, 2009, at 11:24:34
In reply to dreams... » antigua3, posted by twinleaf on June 3, 2009, at 10:06:27
My T loves dreams, but she always makes me interpret it, to tell her what I think before she says anything. She only offers an interpretation when I push her, and we agree that she's often wrong, which is fine. I can tell you that her interpretation of the dream about the falling trees and my pdoc didn't resemble his at all. So, there are so many different viewpoints, and as you've said, the important thing is my opinion and I need to remember that. (The one thing they agreed on, because it was MY interpretation is that I felt strong and powerful in that dream, and that's really the most important part.)
But I did feel like the father let the daughter drown. That's my interpretation.
My pdoc is new to my dreams and seems to be a bit at a loss. He doesn't interpret unless I push him hard, and that's how we got into this mess in the first place. He always makes me interpret what I can, and like you said, we dropped major parts of all the dreams for future discussion because they seemed so unclear to me.
That said, he clearly disagreed on what the drowning girl meant. He saw it as integration and rebirth while I saw it as death. Obviously he was trying to help me not feel so desperate, but I just spiraled out of control emotionally. I'm not really sure what else he could have done. So much went on in the session, in addition to the dreams, that it was just all too overwhelming for me, I guess.
I'm so happy to see you back BTW. I know you're not a fan of my pdoc's so I appreciate your tactfulness.
antigua
Posted by twinleaf on June 3, 2009, at 11:53:02
In reply to dreams... » antigua3, posted by twinleaf on June 3, 2009, at 10:06:27
Well, really, I was having a hard time knowing what to think about him. When things got so painful for you, I did worry. Lately, though, I've been having more feelings that it was going well, and that you had made a good choice in forming a therapeutic relationship with him. I was never actually against him!
Posted by antigua3 on June 3, 2009, at 12:01:16
In reply to Re: dreams..., posted by twinleaf on June 3, 2009, at 11:53:02
Thanks. It has been a long haul with my pdoc.
Sometimes I still have a hard time of what to think about him. But now we talk about things a lot and the confrontational style that characterized our relationship for so long has been replaced by a more trusting, cooperative one. I had to learn to stop fighting him and that has made all the difference.
Hope things are well with you,
antigua
Posted by rskontos on June 3, 2009, at 17:46:41
In reply to Re: dreams... » twinleaf, posted by antigua3 on June 3, 2009, at 12:01:16
Antigua,
I know about parts (I have too many but that is another story) and I have a theory about the "I" word. I prefer to think of it as blending versus intergrating so that means that they are still parts just working together better.
Now I am no where near that. Altough sometimes I think I might be moving closer. not sure
But I like you have never dreamt of my t who is an analyst like Twinleaf's (well he might not be as good but he is good to me)
and he too never will interpret my dreams unless I specifically ask or I throw out a theory he might expand on it.I do ask him a lot of things about dreams. I have had some distrubing ones lately including the one of him I refused to speak to him about it and some of the others. Just can't say them out loud.
I did tell him of another one that was disturbing yet funny. I even told him I told myself during the dream I was having a lucid dream.
The reason I am telling you this is he offered no opinion and I let it go. It was just a few days after the really bad panic attack where I went to the ER so I think he might just let all stir for a while. And how this relates to you is taking me too many words to get out. But....
I am glad though you have hung in with this p-doc.
My thoughts is that all the things you have thought about the dream is possible and everyone else's ideas are too. Dreams are often puzzling things.
I have been dreaming alot more lately some are just downright nightmares. Some I know are nightmares but I don't remember them but my dh will tell me I spoke outloud. My t asked about that what I said. He did give me an opinion about the basis for what I said.
I think often our minds are trying to work stuff out and our dreams are the result of that.
As far as the little one dying that I don't think will happen. She may become more blended like a part of you that is slowly beginning to function more in the now versus the ugliness of the past.
I do understand his point of you thinking of him as surrogate father so that you develop a better role model than your own. I understand how that is hard and may take more time because you only fairly recently accepted your p-doc and gave him your trust. The relationship will need to ripen. But he can show you better interactions with men. And the secrets your little one held can become a released burden. One you both are aware of, someone else is too (p-doc) and that is all validation for both of you. Both parts need it.
And it could be that you are moving faster than the relationship has had time to solidify. But nevertheless, you have come a long way!
I respect your journey so far and know you are doing hard work.
thanks for sharing,and here's too more restful sleep.
rsk
Posted by antigua3 on June 3, 2009, at 22:08:38
In reply to Re: dreams...long on my part sorry » antigua3, posted by rskontos on June 3, 2009, at 17:46:41
What kind words. As I sit here, after a long day of suffering of my own making, it was nice to hear what you had to say.
I'm like you--my dreams are usually nightmares and I don't remember them, just the horrible feelings left behind. I would like to be free of them forever, but there is always fear and terror lurking. What is it? I keep asking myself, but get no answers. I realize now I may never know and it hurts to know that I will, indeed, have to find a way to learn to just live with them w/o them overwhelming my life. Easier said than done, I know.
The consensus on the board seems to be that my pdoc shouldn't interpret my dreams--the whopping three I've reported so far. He hasn't said anything until I pushed him and when my own interpretation put me so dangerously close to the edge. It was a terrible moment. But I see everyone's point and will respect the suggestions offered to me.
Also, it's true, we are probably moving too fast, at my insistence really. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't know what hit him! But we have made some real progress and we work through the ruptures now. I don't run anymore, or attack, after I've opened up, which has been my pattern consistently over the years, and he is more openly caring and supportive. It's hard for me to accept his kindness--it's much easier to reject him, but I'm learning.
This will resolve. For now, the girl is gone and I'm left without my soul. Such damage has been done and you know me, I will work on it until I find peace. I have to have the faith to know that things will be better. But it's so hard to hope.
God, why do I make it so complicated? Why did all these things have to happen to me? Not in "why me?" but as in "how could so many different instances/types of abuse happen to one person?" They're not all connected. Was I wearing a scarlet letter? Sometimes I think so, and I must still wear it.
Thanks everyone for helping me make it through the day,
antigua
Posted by Daisym on June 3, 2009, at 23:44:10
In reply to To All.. Sorry, but very, very long.., posted by antigua3 on June 3, 2009, at 7:55:33
You really need camp comfort right now...
It may be that you are really feeling all the feelings that the little girl felt during the near drowning episode - which have been activated by the dream - but aren't necessarily about the dream. (if that makes sense) You've clearly been triggered very badly and often hiding is what happens when things are this painful. So I agree with the idea that your little one has gone into hiding for awhile.
All the crying, and the hurt seem to signal that you are touching some very deep wounds and in order to get it up and out - you have to almost relive it. Somatic memories are powerful and often evade interpretation. Bringing the past feelings into the present is really, really painful. And really, really necessary.
Take gentle care of yourself right now. Sit with the sadness - grieve the lost childhood and grieve the truth you are facing. The fact that there are threes every where does make me think that you are trying to reenact the original triangle - and it must be terrifying to face the work of that.
Hang in there. Write as much as you need to. We are here.
Posted by antigua3 on June 4, 2009, at 8:10:04
In reply to Re: To All.. Sorry, but very, very long.. » antigua3, posted by Daisym on June 3, 2009, at 23:44:10
Thank you Daisy. I do need camp comfort now. I'd like to be on a warm beach at the end of the day with a cool breeze so I need a blanket to keep me warm.
I decided this morning that I just need to work through this like you suggested. To go ahead and feel the pain and not try to hide from it.
I think there was just too much going on in the session. It started with a discussion of how fragile life really is, which is an important point my pdoc brought up about keeping myself safe, and I disintegrated to the point that I believed, rightly or wrongly, that my father figure thought my little girl needed to die, that she had integrated, really, but the message was still clear, that she had died. It was too threatening to me at the time, dangerous, really, and that's a signal to just slow down.
The little girl can hide if she needs to now. I think my pdoc pushed integration too quickly on me. He has done this before in the past, and while we may have made great strides, this is one area that I think he needs to let up on. I'm clearly not ready, but I do see how he thinks I am. He thinks I'm so much stronger than I am, he really does.
You nailed the "threes." I tried to articulate that to both my T and pdoc, that the number represents the triad of father, mother and daughter, but we need to work on this. Sometimes I think it would be best if we were all in one room (scary thought) so my "parents" could fight this out instead of me running to my mother figure all the time. I feel like I'm always telling on Daddy to my T and she always stands up for me. Interestingly enough, I never run to Daddy to tell on Mommy.
My T was away the past week and that's important,too. She has been unavailable a lot, and I thought we had an agreement that she would let me know when she left town, just so I could know. Well, she called me on Saturday to reschedule our appt this week and told me she was packing. I was angry, silly as that sounds, that she hadn't told me she would be away. I'm sure she thought she did (she's more scatterbrained these days which is difficult), but she didn't. I should have left her a message telling her I was angry, because it's important I do tell her these things, but I couldn't do it. She is too important to me, and clearly my unavailable mother issues aren't being resolved. But as an adult, I keep thinking she has a right to her own life etc. But I know I'm protecting her and not telling her how I really feel. It's hard to feel anger toward someone who has been such a great mother to me, but if I'm going to get better, I have to learn to articulate the anger I do feel. That means facing my own mother with my anger and there's just no way I'm going to hurt her that way.
I will take care of myself. I feel badly that I react so negatively to my pdoc, but that's part of the process too. It's painful because he doesn't let me hide, and as someone said here, since I've just started to really trust him, there will be bumps and mishaps along the way. You know I picked him because he is such a strong person and it's hard to see sometimes that he is using that strength to be an advocate for me, although I know what's best for me, and I have to stand up for myself when I think he's pushing me too hard. Remember, to him, this is "brief therapy." Poor guy, he really has had to adjust his expectations with me. But he hangs in there with me now and despite the venom I throw his way (which I didn't do this time), he just keeps going, trying to help.
The somatic memories and bringing them forth IS extremely painful and getting swacked upside the head with them can be upsetting and very surprising. But they do exist, and they are coming forth, just like you said.
Grieving is important, but this is more about protecting the good part of me, and not letting him take this away from him. Maybe I'm holding on too tightly to a fantasy of that little girl and what she represents to me, but it felt like a huge threat to the core of my being. I understand integrating her, but I still really believe that she needs to be freed from the terror and the fear. That may never happen. It's hard for me to accept that, but if it is to be, I guess integrating her is the way to go. It's not that I don't possess forms of these characteristics in my life today; it's just that if she is free of the terror and fear, I think I will become a whole person. Is that such an impossible goal? She deserves to be fully present in my life with all of her qualities. Maybe she is, but the fear and terror are holding us both back, and I don't think letting her go is the right answer. But is it impossible to beieve that I will never be free from this? That I have to learn to accommodate and live a life that is re-built on shattered pieces, instead of becoming whole? I don't think that's a life worth living, but then again, my life needs to begin again; I can't keep waiting for something that may never happen. I just don't think that's a life worth living. It's just all so confusing, but I'm going to try not to think about it so much. To slow down as everyone has suggested.
Thanks for your kind thoughts Daisy, and for making me think differently, which is what you always do.
antigua
Posted by rskontos on June 4, 2009, at 21:43:03
In reply to Re: dreams...long on my part sorry » rskontos, posted by antigua3 on June 3, 2009, at 22:08:38
Anitgua,
I too have had many things happen to me that followed I think because of my earlier abuse because I was conditioned not to fight and I dissociated immediately so I wasn't really there. So I get that.
I also get being afraid to trust the caring of your p-doc. I still question mine and he was honest in his answer which hurt at first but after I thought about it, it made perfect sense.I also like you don't remember all of my abuse, just sometimes mainly the physical feelings. I have dissociated from all of it and my analyst says that I may not ever remember it and that is ok. That we can work past all of it. I had a bad dream last night but i remember it. I am sure if I told my p-doc we would explore it but I slowed down because I just got too upset with everything. I am taking things slowly now. The horrible feelings are there ever present but I am trying to make sense of now because then isn't something that will ever make sense. The abuse, the fears, the secrecy. No, none of that will ever make sense but I am hoping one day to stop the panic attacks, stop the xanax and feel somewhat healthier in my head. The parts may or may not blend but that will be ok too. I am learning to deal with things I hope better. My analyst says I have made great progress despite my own limitations to seeing the progress.
I am sorry you are suffering so. I hope it helps to have just some gentle support.
as always I wish you some nice sleep. I try sometimes to shape my dreams by telling myself this ongoing story I have made up to help me relax and go to sleep. Last night I did not do this and I had a bad dream. Maybe you can try it, telling a story to yourself like you would a child that has nothing to do with you. as far as you know.
again, may your sleep and days become more peaceful.
rsk
ps one of the only dream I shared I discussed up to a point how I disagreed and then just reflected on his opinion. But realized it is his opinion or view based on himself too. So you must only take in what you can and leave the rest behind. At least that is what I currently try to do. And I have to work up courage to tell him the one that involved him and the others.
Maybe I will tell you guys the one I did tell him. Although he did not tell me how he interpreted the dream it is a weirdly funny dream. I told him Freud would have a heyday with this dream of mine.
oh well friend take care until later, too bad we can't all be there for each in our dreams.
Posted by antigua3 on June 5, 2009, at 5:57:03
In reply to Re: dreams...long on my part sorry » antigua3, posted by rskontos on June 4, 2009, at 21:43:03
Thanks so much. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and I'm terribly sorry that others have to go through this, but a teeny part of me is glad that I don't have to go through this alone. :)
I will try your suggestion of trying to shape my dreams before I go to sleep. Maybe it will make me less fearful about going to sleep in the first place. Waking up from naps is the worst, but with all the fatigue my body is fighting right now, there's no way I can give them up. But I wake up feeling horribly and not knowing why.
I canceled my T appt this week, which probably wasn't such a good thing, but I needed a break. That leaves me with two weeks w/o therapy, so we'll see how I do.
I'm glad to see that you have such a positive attitude about all this. Maybe I can borrow some?
Again, thank you for caring and for writing to me. It helps a lot.
I woke up feeling good today, but let's see how long that lasts!
antigua
Posted by rskontos on June 5, 2009, at 15:52:13
In reply to Re: dreams...long on my part sorry » rskontos, posted by antigua3 on June 5, 2009, at 5:57:03
> Thanks so much. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and I'm terribly sorry that others have to go through this, but a teeny part of me is glad that I don't have to go through this alone. :)
that is ok.
>
> I will try your suggestion of trying to shape my dreams before I go to sleep. Maybe it will make me less fearful about going to sleep in the first place. Waking up from naps is the worst, but with all the fatigue my body is fighting right now, there's no way I can give them up. But I wake up feeling horribly and not knowing why.I did my story telling last night and my dreams were not bad. It does help often. For me I don't feel like I dream while I nap. I do wake up feeling horrible but I put that down to maybe sleeping too long during the day and messing up that whole sleep cycle thing. But my p-doc did say to sleep when you need to no matter what anyone tells you so I do.
>
> I canceled my T appt this week, which probably wasn't such a good thing, but I needed a break. That leaves me with two weeks w/o therapy, so we'll see how I do.We are always here. Camp comfort is open too!
>
> I'm glad to see that you have such a positive attitude about all this. Maybe I can borrow some?
>
Sure thing. I am not sure it is that type of positive attitude that doesn't wane back and forth but sure I'll share some.
> Again, thank you for caring and for writing to me. It helps a lot.Oh man of course we care. After all, we all know what it is like and how venting and sharing and caring is a must!!!
>
> I woke up feeling good today, but let's see how long that lasts!Here's a salute to staying in the good zone.!
rsk
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