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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on June 9, 2009, at 13:29:15
I was talking to my therapist about the fates today. How they take something you say, and make it come true in a way you don't want.
My mother has been calling me with alarming updates on her condition, and I've been discounting them because she always exaggerates a lot. But one day, maybe even this time, she'll be telling the truth.
I don't necessarily believe in hell. I'm pretty sure I don't. But suddenly I'm afraid I'll end up there.
Posted by Dinah on June 9, 2009, at 14:19:53
In reply to Feeling anxious, posted by Dinah on June 9, 2009, at 13:29:15
Call me if you need me, he says this morning. I mean it.
He won't call back till this evening I'm sure, if he calls back at all.
What good is he?
Posted by fleeting flutterby on June 9, 2009, at 14:38:58
In reply to Feeling anxious, posted by Dinah on June 9, 2009, at 13:29:15
> I was talking to my therapist about the fates today. How they take something you say, and make it come true in a way you don't want.<<
---flutterby: yea, I have had this happen to me before-- so I've learned to be quite careful what I say.
>
> My mother has been calling me with alarming updates on her condition, and I've been discounting them because she always exaggerates a lot. But one day, maybe even this time, she'll be telling the truth.
>
> I don't necessarily believe in hell. I'm pretty sure I don't. But suddenly I'm afraid I'll end up there.<<---flutterby: Not sure I understand.... do you think you're a bad person because someone has cried "wolf" over and over again and you don't know when it's time to REALLY come running? is that it?...... seems to me your mom has the problem --(in this situation) It is not the fault of the person that hears empty warnings and disregards them-- it's the persons fault that keeps ringing the bell when nothing is really wrong....... some of those types of people seem to be starving for attention... do you think that could be the case with your mom? (you don't have to answer that here in public-- just something to ponder.....)
Could you talk to someone else near your mom to get another view? ...... if your dad is around, or maybe a neighbor of hers or a friend of hers...... this way it could perhaps curb your worry of what to believe.My mom has a pathology to lie so I have to always check her stories and such.....it can put ones mind at ease to hear another's view.
flutterby-mandy
Posted by Dinah on June 9, 2009, at 15:29:34
In reply to Re: Feeling anxious » Dinah, posted by fleeting flutterby on June 9, 2009, at 14:38:58
I think I'm going to have to accept that I'm not going to be able to handle this on my own. I might be able to go visit her if my husband's there.
The doctor hardly ever comes, apparently, and no way to make sure I'm there when he is. But they can't be that concerned if they don't transfer her back to the hospital.
My uncle is visiting her and doing what she needs done. She seems to prefer it that way, although I'm sure she'd like me to be there.
I am not always at all kind when I talk about my mother... I wonder if the hell I'll be sentenced to is being shut with her in a room for eternity.
Thank heavens for Risperdal. It's a lot more helpful than my therapist.
Thanks, Mandy.
Posted by MidnightBlue on June 9, 2009, at 17:34:41
In reply to Feeling anxious, posted by Dinah on June 9, 2009, at 13:29:15
I think you are safe. We all don't believe our mothers sometime!
Posted by Nadezda on June 9, 2009, at 20:26:47
In reply to Feeling anxious, posted by Dinah on June 9, 2009, at 13:29:15
Dinah. I feel very very confident that you're not going to end up in hell. You're an incredibly good person, and doubting your mother is entirely understandable. In fact, you'd been doing yourself and your family a disservice if you didn't-- and if, or when, it turns out that something is wrong with her, it won't be because you tempted fate. It will simply be because someday it will happen.
Besides, to be completely honest, I don't think the fates have a way of twisting things against you. Maybe I'm too rational, and I know sometimes, if you're feeling guilty about saying or thinking something, it can seem that way. But I don't think your thoughts or suspicions or fears can make things go wrong like that.
I do wish, though, that your T had called. And I"m glad you have the risperdal-- and hope by now you're feeling calmer and more within yourself.
Nadezda
Posted by Deneb on June 9, 2009, at 20:52:45
In reply to Dizzy, posted by Dinah on June 9, 2009, at 14:19:53
I hope you feel better Dinah. ((((Dinah))))
Posted by Dinah on June 9, 2009, at 23:01:43
In reply to Re: Feeling anxious » Dinah, posted by MidnightBlue on June 9, 2009, at 17:34:41
It's not just not believing her. And I was apparently right not to believe her this time. It's more that I think and say bad things about her. I know in my mind that those things hurt me (and may well send me to hell) more than they hurt her. But sometimes I think about the fates and worry that somehow i'll be to blame if anything happens to her.
It's easy to know in my head that there are no fates. It's harder to know it in my gut.
Posted by Dinah on June 9, 2009, at 23:06:12
In reply to Re: Feeling anxious » Dinah, posted by Nadezda on June 9, 2009, at 20:26:47
He eventually called in the evening, but overall he's no better than the therapist in my head i don't think. What really can he do? Although I must assure the fates that this doesn't mean I don't need him. I definitely don't want anything to happen to him or for another hurricane to show me that I really need him.
Hmmm... I suspect this means my OCD is acting up. It gets worse under stress.
I'm sort of glad that I don't really believe in hell. Because if there's a hell, I'm sure I'll end up there. I'm lazy and selfish and think uncharitable thoughts far too often.
Posted by Dinah on June 9, 2009, at 23:08:20
In reply to Re: Dizzy, posted by Deneb on June 9, 2009, at 20:52:45
Thanks Deneb. I started feeling more centered after I took Risperdal. But I forgot to get rid of my pillow last night, and woke up with a migraine. Between that and the anxiety, I just felt bad all day.
I'm coming around now though. And definitely no pillow tonight except my wedge. I threw them all in the trash today so I won't be tempted to leave one in bed while I sleep.
Posted by Phillipa on June 9, 2009, at 23:42:57
In reply to Re: Dizzy » Deneb, posted by Dinah on June 9, 2009, at 23:08:20
Dinah a bit of a story. As a two year old my Mother had to carry me up stairs in an apartment and then got sick and blamed me for her illness. Now is that rational? Intellectually I know it isn't but always still blamed myself for my Mother's illness. So your Mother's leg is okay? And she went home? So the amputation wasn't true? So maybe call just to be nice, send a card or flowers. She could be very lonesome. Don't know all details. So purely speculation. Kind of like thinking outloud. Love Phillipa sleep well.
Posted by Dinah on June 10, 2009, at 0:20:46
In reply to Re: Dizzy » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on June 9, 2009, at 23:42:57
I'm going to visit her tomorrow, although I may need my husband to go with me for support, depending on how my phobia is acting up.
The amputation is real. But apparently she's not having serious problems with her kidneys and lungs. Or at least that's what I hear tonight.
Posted by Daisym on June 10, 2009, at 1:09:07
In reply to Re: Dizzy » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on June 10, 2009, at 0:20:46
Have you considered the fact that you could already *be* in hell? Your hell is your mother. We all have our own, and this, I think, is the price into heaven.
The goal is to not worry about what might come next but to instead attend to what is right here, right now. That seems like a whole lot for you - and who needs to pre-worry on top of everything else.
I'll say a prayer for you and your mom that she heals fast and you find patience and strength.
Posted by blahblahblah on June 10, 2009, at 6:37:20
In reply to Re: Dizzy » Dinah, posted by Daisym on June 10, 2009, at 1:09:07
Hey Dinah,
I kind of understand how you are feeling with your mum appearing to exaggerate and you not wanting to ignore it but also not to jump to it. My mum suffers back from Munchausen By Proxy and Munchausen Sydrome, so she has spent my whole life being very sick in hospitals, rehab, etc. She nearly had her leg amputated. i could go on. But my point is, now when she is really ill myself and my sisters tend to ignore it. Which i find very hard, i want to tell myself she is not really making it up. but i know the truth. then i tell myself, that one day she will die, and has to get very sick. so at what point do i believe it is real. will i go to hell for ignoring a cry out when it is very serious?
but in the end, as what i want to give to you, is you are both adults, and you know your own mum from past experiences. you have to look after yourself and if it is hurting you then you need to stop back a bit. as my therapist always tells me, my mother is not my responsbility. If she has hurt you a lot in the past you need to heal. Of course, you don't want to get down on yourself. if you need to give her some help that is understandable, but please look out for yourself, and commit only to what you feel capable of. I hope that helps a little. :)
Posted by Dinah on June 10, 2009, at 9:54:54
In reply to Re: Dizzy » Dinah, posted by Daisym on June 10, 2009, at 1:09:07
I rather suspect that hell is individually tailored to be, say, sharing a room with my mother for eternity. :)
I was talking to a friend last night, and realized I really don't want anything bad to happen to her. I just don't want to feel responsible for her. Daddy was responsible for her when he was alive, and he asked me to look after her when he died.
She really does need someone to look after her, even though she doesn't legally qualify as incompetent (unfortunately). I just hate that that person is me, since I really have no power to do it. So it's more the situation that I hate.
If I try to frame it that way in my thoughts and words, maybe I will avoid harming my own heart and soul with hateful thoughts. I do recognize that that is the only harm I can do. I can't harm her at all, only me. (Now if my less rational self would recognize that thoughts aren't deeds.)
Thanks, Daisy. I could use all the prayers I can get to find patience and lovingkindness. I don't think they come naturally to me.
Posted by Dinah on June 10, 2009, at 10:00:02
In reply to Re: Dizzy, posted by blahblahblah on June 10, 2009, at 6:37:20
It does. Your situation was so much worse than mine. My mother enjoys drama, but she doesn't invent things, just makes them sound far worse than they are. She also fights with the doctors and nurses. A lot.
I think it does help to know that other people have to deal with mothers like mine, or even worse than mine. I start thinking I am a horrible person for feeling the way I do.
I hope my son doesn't feel that way about me when he grows up.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 10, 2009, at 19:35:29
In reply to Feeling anxious, posted by Dinah on June 9, 2009, at 13:29:15
Hi Dinah,
Coming late to this post. (Sorry!)One sentence caught my eye that I want to respond to in particular:
"I'm lazy and selfish and think uncharitable thoughts far too often."
I know that's just your inner critic. When I read this thread I notice that she is louder even than usual. I don't know anything about OCD, but does this happen? I hope it's OK for me to ask and point this out.
Often I find that your posts carry a good deal of balance between the self-criticism and the compassion that you can hold for yourself. Of course, that's nothing compared to the compassion you hold, and so clearly articulate, for all of us here on Babble, your husband, and your T (and I'm sure your son, etc).
And let's see, compassion takes energy, selfless-ness, and charitable thoughts! I'm Just Saying...
You are definitely not a horrible person. I know you know that, but it's good to hear it reflected back sometimes. Actually, it's better to frame it in the positive, so I'll do that a few times:
You are a terrific person!
You are a terrific person!
You are a terrific person!
You are a terrific person!
You are a terrific person!
Besides, your mother sounds extrememly difficult and you are doing/going to do the best that you can do while still taking care of yourself and your immediate family. And that is totally, totally fair and good.
Just my 2 cents.
:-)
FMD
Posted by 10derHeart on June 10, 2009, at 23:25:16
In reply to Re: Feeling anxious, posted by FindingMyDesire on June 10, 2009, at 19:35:29
Wow - do you know our Dinah!
I completely agree!
Bravo - thanks for saying what I was too busy, or scattered or whatever to write myself.
Posted by Dinah on June 10, 2009, at 23:38:26
In reply to Re: Feeling anxious, posted by FindingMyDesire on June 10, 2009, at 19:35:29
Thank you. :) I appreciate that. I do try to walk that fine line between compassion and clear eyed honesty. It's hard to do sometimes though.
I think one good thing that came from feeling so bad about myself was doing things that made me feel better today.
I visited my mother. I let the nurses know that they could contact me directly. I brought my mom's dogs to the vets for their yearly shots, and paid for it myself. I was going to do that anyway of course. I talked to her on the phone about this and that.
So now I feel better about myself because I acted better today.
Sigh.
I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Posted by Dinah on June 10, 2009, at 23:41:15
In reply to Re: Feeling anxious » FindingMyDesire, posted by 10derHeart on June 10, 2009, at 23:25:16
Posted by Annierose on June 11, 2009, at 6:18:27
In reply to Feeling anxious, posted by Dinah on June 9, 2009, at 13:29:15
I agree with what so many on this thread have already said.
Because your mother is a difficult and stubborn person, and you host some not so pleasant thoughts about the burden of helping her through one crisis after another (and then she won't listen and/or follow-through) - - - doesn't make you a bad person. That makes you a normal person with a difficult mother.
I hope things are settling down a bit from when you originally posted. I'm thinking about you.
Posted by Dinah on June 11, 2009, at 11:56:31
In reply to Re: Feeling anxious » Dinah, posted by Annierose on June 11, 2009, at 6:18:27
Thanks, Annierose.
I guess you're right. Behaving better will certainly help me feel better about myself. And it may even improve our relationship, if I behave "as if" maybe she'll respond.
But in the long run, I'm going to have to withdraw again to protect myself.
Posted by Annierose on June 11, 2009, at 13:26:43
In reply to Re: Feeling anxious, posted by Dinah on June 11, 2009, at 11:56:31
Sorry - I never implied you were not behaving properly. I was trying to say the opposite ... your mother is not behaving properly --- she is dumping her life in your lap and daring you to take care of her.
I don't know how I would handle my own mother. She has put you in a difficult position. I am lucky to have two sisters who can deal with my mom so I don't have to.
Try to protect yourself internally as best you can by not taking her personally ... as difficult as that might be.
Posted by Dinah on June 11, 2009, at 13:30:40
In reply to Re: Feeling anxious » Dinah, posted by Annierose on June 11, 2009, at 13:26:43
Oh no. I didn't mean you implied that! I was referring to my own previous post.
It's funny you put it that way, about dumping her life in my lap. She introduced me to the charge nurse as the daughter who runs her life. My heartfelt "I wish!" had the nurse dissolving in laughter.
Responsibility without power.
Posted by Annierose on June 11, 2009, at 18:58:04
In reply to Re: Feeling anxious » Annierose, posted by Dinah on June 11, 2009, at 13:30:40
"Responsibility without power." --- that's the worse!!
I don't know how you do it! Your mom's lack of responsibility is a burden to you and she sets you up to feel this angst. It doesn't seem very fair.
I think it's a b*tch to get old (as my body is slowly falling apart!)
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