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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by onceupon on June 23, 2009, at 22:07:04
Ack. I've been in lurk mode for a long time now, and I've struggled with responding to others because I'm also in total avoidance mode.
But I'm feeling pretty lost at the moment, and would like to think aloud, as it were, for awhile. Hope that's okay.
I'm coming up on 2 years with my therapist (I also saw her for about 6 months maybe 5 years ago). In some ways, I can look at myself and say, "I'm doing a lot better than I was 2 years ago." I'm no longer suicidal, and my moods aren't so whacked out. That's progress, obviously.
But there's this whole other sea of stuff underneath that has felt stuck for a REALLY long time. I feel disconnected - from my husband, friends, son. After my son goes to bed, and sometimes during the day too, I'm content to check out for long periods of time - mindlessly surfing the web, just pissing away time, really. This isn't helping me write my dissertation, or get any other similarly pressing things done.
And then there's my relationship with my therapist, which is, by turns, painful and wonderful. The other bit of stuckness that feels like it's held me back for just about forever is all this unresolved mother stuff. It's morphed from angst about my mother to include angst about my own newish role as a mother. A lot of the time, this manifests as this super-intense longing directed toward my (female) therapist. We've talked about it ad infinitum, but it doesn't ever really shift for me.
I'm at the point now where, like yellowbird above, I'm not really certain that I NEED therapy. I still WANT it, but that feels like a different thing. I do want to move past this mother stuff, and I do want to feel more connected to my life. My husband and I have been teetering on the edge of divorce for several years. Disengagement has proved the most successful (in terms of reducing conflict) solution to this.
I know I'm rambling here, and I'm not even sure I'm saying what I want to say. Some days I feel like I want to quit therapy out of frustration - frustration that comes in part from knowing and bumping up against the limitations of the therapeutic relationship, and in part from wondering why I keep putting myself through this grief of setting myself up to want what I can't have (read: therapist as mother).
I don't think I'm making much sense anymore. Need to sort through this some more first.
Posted by Dinah on June 23, 2009, at 23:35:35
In reply to where to go from here, posted by onceupon on June 23, 2009, at 22:07:04
It sounds, ideally, like one of those moments to step back and assess where you want your therapy to go from here.
Do you address here and now issues with your husband or your dissertation? Has your therapist been helpful with them? Do you think she has more to offer?
Posted by seldomseen on June 24, 2009, at 9:18:43
In reply to where to go from here, posted by onceupon on June 23, 2009, at 22:07:04
I bumped (or face planted if you choose to look at it that way) into the therapeutic boundary for a long time. It hurts - a lot.
But now that I am away from it a bit, I see it like a mourning period. On the surface I was mourning for what I would never get from my therapist, but in reality I was actually mourning for what I never got from my family.
It takes a long time to process that grief I think and it's easy to feel stuck in it.
As Dinah indicated, this might be a good time to think about where you want your therapy to go or if you should continue. These are also topics to talk to your therapist about.
Also, as a seasoned veteran of the dissertation writing, man, IMO, you have got to get that thing done. Finishing it will suck absolutely, but will allow you to get on with your life.
I feel quite confident in advising you that the suckiness of finishing it is a lot less sucky than having it *looming* over you all the time.
My motto was "don't think, just write" - quite the antithesis of what a dissertation is supposed to be, but, whatever, it worked for me and others on these boards.
I'll be here, feel free to babblemail me. I know dissertation pain. *shudder*
Peace
Seldom.
Posted by Phillipa on June 24, 2009, at 13:27:36
In reply to Re: where to go from here » onceupon, posted by seldomseen on June 24, 2009, at 9:18:43
I chose bedside nursing as hated paperwork of any kind and still do find it so boring. But that's me great that so many are getting great educations my kids did also. Phillipa
Posted by Sigismund on June 24, 2009, at 16:47:55
In reply to where to go from here, posted by onceupon on June 23, 2009, at 22:07:04
Are you bored?
What can you feel connected with?
Can you find something?
Posted by onceupon on June 24, 2009, at 22:03:34
In reply to Re: where to go from here, posted by Dinah on June 23, 2009, at 23:35:35
You're absolutely right on two counts, Dinah. It is a good time to step back and assess where I want my therapy to go. And that would be the ideal. I'm still feeling totally avoidant at the moment, though.
We do talk a lot about my husband. Less about my dissertation, but I haven't hit a desperation phase with that yet. The discussions about my husband have been difficult, probably because it's a difficult situation (when isn't it?). I think my therapist has been helpful to the extent that I allow her to be, if that makes sense. I blank out a lot about what we discuss during therapy. Maybe that's more avoidance, maybe it's something else.
That's a really good question about whether I think she has more to offer. What a difficult question to answer. It's kind of hard for me to be objective about it, because I feel so attached. I've been thinking more and more about the money recently, though. My insurance changed at the beginning of the year, and since then, what I pay for therapy has increased significantly. Maybe a part of me is wondering whether I'm actually getting my money's worth.
Posted by onceupon on June 24, 2009, at 22:07:49
In reply to Re: where to go from here » onceupon, posted by seldomseen on June 24, 2009, at 9:18:43
Thanks for your response, and commiseration, seldom. What was it that helped you to move away from that mourning period? I feel like I'm smack in the middle of it, and can understand it intellectually, but moving on? Not so much.
You're so right about the dissertation. I've been through disillusionment and back (mostly) during grad school, but writing this thing is sucking me right back into that space again. I hear you on the looming thing, too. I want it out of my life. Period. I like, "Don't think, just write." I keep telling myself, "This is just another of a long line of hoops. So get jumping."
Haven't used babblemail yet, but might just take you up on your offer. Anything to help with this journey! Thanks!
Posted by onceupon on June 24, 2009, at 22:10:12
In reply to Re: where to go from here, posted by Phillipa on June 24, 2009, at 13:27:36
Eh, education is OK. But I think I'm past my limit at 12 years postsecondary. Time to be done.
Posted by onceupon on June 24, 2009, at 22:12:31
In reply to Re: where to go from here, posted by Sigismund on June 24, 2009, at 16:47:55
Really excellent questions, Sigismund. Ones I don't have answers for, but still.
I do know that I'm feeling stuck in a life of academic hoop-jumping that I make a lot of efforts to escape. So, it's not boredom per se, just not what I want to be doing right now.
But that begs the question of what it is I do want to do, which is...? Good food for thought. I'm still chewing.
Posted by onceupon on June 24, 2009, at 22:13:40
In reply to Re: where to go from here » Sigismund, posted by onceupon on June 24, 2009, at 22:12:31
This is the end of the thread.
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