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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by blahblahblah on October 8, 2009, at 5:32:20
hey guys,
feeling pretty crappy. tonight i told my mum i need to cut contact with her until i am better. she was physically and emotionally abusive to me, and was always drugged out when i was growing up. i feel soo terrible now though. i feel guilty, i'm worried about her. i feel i need to make sure she was ok and now i'm thinking she wasn't that bad and i'm being unfair. does anyone have any advice.
Posted by Dinah on October 9, 2009, at 8:07:13
In reply to cutting contact with parent, posted by blahblahblah on October 8, 2009, at 5:32:20
Well, I don't know the particulars of course. But to some extent it's an issue that has come up in my therapy.
I do believe there are abuses parents can commit that effectively tear up their parent cards, as Dr. Laura would say.
However, we seem to be hardwired to care about our parents. And it is hard to not feel some sort of obligation towards someone who is responsible for our existence.
Is there a middle ground? If being around your mother is toxic for you, and you feel it would be better for you to not be in contact with her for a while, in my mind that's a perfectly legitimate request to make. People have been finding peace and solace away from their parents since time began. And you know the old saying about the oxygen mask. Truly you can't effectively help anyone until you are safe and stable yourself.
If you are worried about your mother in the meantime, are there other ways to care for her? The subject has come up with my therapist about my mother, and he advises contacting proper authorities, or seeing if other family members can look in on her occasionally, or somehow find alternate ways of fulfilling any obligation I feel towards her in a way that is not harmful to me. I really haven't found myself able to do this, but I have seriously considered it at times, and there may come a time when I have to.
Posted by Kath on October 14, 2009, at 14:19:10
In reply to cutting contact with parent, posted by blahblahblah on October 8, 2009, at 5:32:20
So sorry; this must be hard for you.
Check post below by "rnny" - I'm sure you 2 could support each other in this.
love, Kath
Posted by rnny on October 15, 2009, at 21:52:20
In reply to cutting contact with parent, posted by blahblahblah on October 8, 2009, at 5:32:20
My mood is really effected by my mother so I have to limit contact. She is a mother who has never loved me. So being around her is not a positive experience for me. Yet everyone wants a mother. The part of me hungering for a mother wants to be around her and the part of me who wants to be strong, independent and healthy doesn't. I don't need a "mommy" at this age, I could use a mother but she can't be either and it is a sad truth I have to face, confront and accept. Pretending otherwise worsens my mental health. Here is a bizarre comparison. I worked with a gal once who admitted her husband was gay and even bringing his gay lover home for sex! This lady had to really face some painful truths. I mean about her marriage and about the man she fell in love with. To "pretend" he wasn't gay would have been very destructive for their marriage. For me to "pretend" that everything I have felt or imagined concerning my mother isn't real or true only complicates things. I am better off facing the painful truth and grieving the matter.
This is the end of the thread.
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