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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rnny on December 28, 2009, at 16:35:53
My T today said that during our last session I said something to the effect of "gee, for someone with a PhD that sounds kind of stupid". And she said that one of our goals is for me to learn how better to get along with people and express myself. So she said she wanted to use that as an example of how not to say things. I said, "did it hurt your feelings" and she said "yes". But she went on to say she wasn't telling me because her feelings were hurt, she was telling me because it was a real live example of how not to talk to people. I feel so sad now. She wasn't acting all "broken up" about it but I really do feel bad. Ever had anything like this happen? Do you think she should have brought it up at all? I don't think it was such a horrible thing to say!
Posted by annierose on December 28, 2009, at 17:40:15
In reply to T said I hurt her feelings!, posted by rnny on December 28, 2009, at 16:35:53
I do think she provided you with a good example how sometimes people say something not knowing how other people take the comment to heart.
She let you know that her hurt feelings were not the motivation for talking about this with you - rather - using the interaction as a "teachable moment". I agree with her that your comment was not the best choice of words ... especially using the word "stupid". In effect, you said she was stupid. I think your therapist was clear why she brought up the conversation today ... not to make you feel bad, but to bring to light casual comments you might make that could make someone else feel badly.
And yes, my therapist would help me in the same way.
Posted by Verloren on December 28, 2009, at 22:42:54
In reply to T said I hurt her feelings!, posted by rnny on December 28, 2009, at 16:35:53
I think she wasnt broken up about it and really did view it as an opportunity to use in your therapy. Her saying that it did hurt her feelings shows that she is willing to be honest with you about her feelings and I think that could help cultivate trust in your relationship.
I have had similar experiences but am still working through how to view people without my negative lenses on. I tend to internalize it though, saying things in my head like, well no sh** Sherlock or Shocking! And it only took you how long to figure that out?
Your feeling sad about it now means you feel compassion about the way your words are received. I agree with annierose that this is a teachable moment. So I think you two can have some very good discussions about this.
-Verloren
Posted by Nadezda on December 29, 2009, at 12:03:57
In reply to T said I hurt her feelings!, posted by rnny on December 28, 2009, at 16:35:53
Hi, rnny.
I agree with what others have said-- that it's helpful if your T can non-judgmentally bring up something between the two of you, that illustrates an important issue. It's the most vivid and immediate way of working on it-- because you both shared the experience, it's not just something that you have to describe from memory.
I'm sorry you feel sad. I don't think what you said is horrible-- but it would really hurt most people's feelings to be told that they were stupid, or to have it implied. Everyone has self-esteem issues about being intelligent, and having something valuable to say. So maybe you could put yourselves in your T's position and see if your words would have hurt you. We all do things like this without knowing it-- and the more we become aware of how others might feel, the more we can be careful-- and avoid later regrets, too.
It really is a sign of trust in the relationship that your T can bring it up-- she must feel you're open to hearing her, and not closing up. So it could be a step on not building your relationship with her and with other people over time.
Nsdezda
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