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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mmealltalk on June 5, 2010, at 11:53:49
Help- my therapist used to really like me and I knew I was special to her and all that. It was so hard to admit to myself that she was feeling that & I'd tease her that she doesn't care etc. Well now I think my worst nightmare has come true. After a devastating year in her life, most recently the death of her husband she is acting differently in session, which she acknowledges and though she remains professional, with a few slip ups, she is mourning an important loss and its affected her. She, unlike me who feels this will go on forever, believes that with time she will return to her old self. But in the meantime I fear I am losing her. She doesn't feel as available and I don't have that old feeling that I am really special to her and she really cares about me. (She reassures me that my feelings are mine and she hasn't lost her feelings about me). Anyway, I have the problem of feeling abandoned which is the story of my life plus the problem of feeling like there are things going on in my life that I don't want to share as it might be too close to home for her and hurt her feelings. (Ie- my dad d/n attend my nephews b-day party & I was so upset but I felt like her husband will never again attend their grand kids party so I should be happy that at least my father is here. She d/n react neg when I told her but its the fact that I feel uncomfortable discussing stuff). I do feel like she is mad at me, and I even tell her that her husband who I knew and who liked me would never want her to hate me and be mad at a time like this. Sorry, I am babbling but most important is that I miss the therapist I used to see before she was hurting so much and I guess I need to find support other ways.
Thanks for reading all this,
Mel
Posted by Daisym on June 5, 2010, at 21:40:48
In reply to i feel like the worst patient ever!, posted by mmealltalk on June 5, 2010, at 11:53:49
It sounds like a hard situation for everyone involved. This is another one of those situations in which we are forced to confront the fact that our therapists are human and they simply can't be perfect and consistent all the time.
There are several schools of thought about how you handle it. Since it is your therapy and you are paying for the time, you can talk about whatever you want or need to, without regard for her feelings. But - therapy is also a relational process, in which we develop our capacity for empathy, compassion and self-care. We, hopefully, learn about ourselves as we reflect on life events and our internal world. And we practice what we are learning with our therapists. You have the opportunity to "hold" some of your stuff, not the stuff like the b/d party, but rather your need for her to revert to how things were. It isn't easy, but growing your acceptance of who she is now and allowing your compassion to soothe the part of you that is worried that she now doesn't like you, will really help. Tell yourself it isn't about you at all - this is her grief and her process to go through. I imagine it can't be easy for her to hear from you over and over again that she is different. She already knows that.
You have suffered a loss. I think part of that loss might be the fantasy we all have that our therapists are always available to protect us from our own fears and loneliness. Intellectually we know this not to be true. But in the psychological relationship that gets built, they feel that powerful and are that important. When you come face-to-face with the limits of this relationship, it is God-awful painful.
You have already identified that you need to expand your support system. This is a good idea, no matter what the circumstances, but it is especially important right now. Because if you have more supports, it isn't as scary for her to be less available right now. Ironically, easing up on this need internally for yourself, will probably help you feel her presence more. I'm not saying you don't need her, or shouldn't. I'm saying that accepting the circumstances will probably help you focus on the support she can and is giving you, instead of what has gone missing.
I hope life gets kinder soon, for both of you.
Posted by Dinah on June 5, 2010, at 23:35:29
In reply to i feel like the worst patient ever!, posted by mmealltalk on June 5, 2010, at 11:53:49
You most definitely are not the worst patient ever. Not even close. I think they understand, at some level, that their crises affect us. So I doubt they judge us harshly for being affected.
I really like what Daisy said about the relationship. And about trying to find other sources of support to take more weight while your therapist is less able to bear any.
In all the years I've been with my therapist this has come up a time or two. Not the death of his spouse, thank heavens. But life changing disruptions. The first time I struggled through it not knowing whether things would ever be the same again. The second time I realized that even though I thought things might well get back to normal, that I just couldn't tolerate the stress. If it had continued that time, it was not unlikely would have decided to stay away until he recovered. I really think either option is ok.
I guess the problem is that they really aren't interchangeable. Even if your therapist isn't operating at full efficiency or even close to it, it's not easy to put aside that relationship and start over. Yet we are paying them in part for their presence and their person.
One way or another, all we can do is endure through it. Given that reality, I think you're doing a great job keeping your needs in mind while acknowledging her difficulties right now.
I'm wandering I know... My experience is that things can get back to normal again. Maybe others have had different experiences. But it is possible.
This is the end of the thread.
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