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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lamdage on August 14, 2011, at 18:36:16
i hate that i forget english words. i hate that my english is getting rusty.. i hate that german society tries to mindwash me into staying in this shithole. i hate that i cant start studying what i want to in germany, now that im forced to be here. I hate my who are supposed to help me but do not give the slightest sh*t about what i want in life and who destroyed me everytime i opened up to them. I hate my filthy rich father who wont support my dreams. Instead he just crushes them and treats them like dirt. I hate my mother who does not have the balls to think on her own. I hate this, finally i am crying but still I HATE
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2011, at 20:45:44
In reply to Hatred, disapointment, hurt, posted by Lamdage on August 14, 2011, at 18:36:16
It must hurt a lot to be so full of rage. It always makes my head pound. Crying is good.
You sound frustrated. Is there anything you can do to further your goals yourself? Study English and other things on your own? Find a group where you can practice your English?
It's never all that safe to rely on others to help us fulfill our dreams. Their dreams might be different.
Posted by floatingbridge on August 14, 2011, at 22:42:53
In reply to Hatred, disapointment, hurt, posted by Lamdage on August 14, 2011, at 18:36:16
Lamdage,
Sometimes tears are good, and I hope today they are a release for you.
I am very sorry about feeling like you are being kept in the sh*ts, too.
You've been working so diligently with this. I wish I had something useful to say, other than keep going, and take the best care you can of yourself.
I'm glad you posted. Reaching out is good, too.
Posted by sigismund on August 15, 2011, at 4:51:07
In reply to Hatred, disapointment, hurt, posted by Lamdage on August 14, 2011, at 18:36:16
I sort of assumed English was your first language.
Yeah, families? What can you say, sometimes?
The greatest pleasure of being a parent of kids in their 20s for me has been being able to be of intelligent help to them.
And (now!) it comes easily to me (allowing for the usual).
There is a reflex I came across........
'If you will persist in behaving against our beliefs, it makes it impossible for us to help you.'
So much better, surely, to work with (rather than to protest about) what you have.
Posted by sigismund on August 15, 2011, at 4:54:10
In reply to Re: Hatred, disapointment, hurt, posted by sigismund on August 15, 2011, at 4:51:07
> has been being able to be
Do you find English verbs difficult?
Posted by Lamdage on August 16, 2011, at 23:46:11
In reply to Re: Hatred, disapointment, hurt, posted by sigismund on August 15, 2011, at 4:51:07
Hey Guys, thanks for all the posts, i did not expect this. Yes i am full of rage.. it helps tremendously to have (the right) people listen. There is so much rage in me that has been stuffed down all these years... I used to like thinking of myself as an "easygoing" person but truthfully i just repressed all feeling and stored it in a deep and far away place.
Btw i was born and raised in germany!"If you will persist in behaving against our beliefs, it makes it impossible for us to help you"
@ Sigi Your sentence pretty much hits the nail on the head.
Whats getting on my nerves is being "germanized" again. Its like a mental restraint living here. At least for me and quite a few other germans. Some like it i guess :S
Thanks Dinah your post made me feel a bit better. Well what i just started doing is "tricking" itunes into believing im living in the states and buying psychology related audiobooks. I listened to one yesterday, while sitting in trains and busses alot.
I will post again soon with more time.
Thanks
Ld
Posted by Lamdage on August 23, 2011, at 17:31:00
In reply to Re: Hatred, disapointment, hurt, posted by Lamdage on August 16, 2011, at 23:46:11
oh well.. suicide thoughts, sitting on the balcony feeling a not so shallow longing to disappear. middle of the night no one to call. no parents, none, not ever.
few friends. crying once againon the positive side i seem to have some more emotion. Yep its like what i told myself the day nardil first kicked in. Either I'm gonna make it or I'm gonna sink with this ship. At least i have felt some truth in my life, had no idea what that is. How would i? No one showed me. On the contrary i was punished for looking for it
Posted by Lamdage on August 23, 2011, at 17:32:07
In reply to pretty f*ck*d, posted by Lamdage on August 23, 2011, at 17:31:00
and still am punished for looking for it right now
Posted by Lamdage on August 23, 2011, at 17:49:28
In reply to pretty f*ck*d, posted by Lamdage on August 23, 2011, at 17:31:00
i don't even know if what i say is true or not.. i can't trust my own perceptions
Posted by floatingbridge on August 23, 2011, at 17:50:15
In reply to Re: pretty f*ck*d, posted by Lamdage on August 23, 2011, at 17:32:07
(((Lamdage)))
You got a therapist on board with you? PTSD is really too tough to go alone. We all need guides.
Feeling has a double edge. It's good and it hurts sometimes.
Being alive is like that sometimes. It's good and it's
sometimes painful. You aren't alone in that at all, even if it is night where you are.Are there stars out? Any breeze on the balcony?
I sometimes find that if I look up at the sky, especially if there
are stars, but even the night clouds, and feel my breath, after awhile, the pain breaks up and passes.The sky is always beautiful.
Posted by Lamdage on August 23, 2011, at 18:21:47
In reply to Re: pretty f*ck*d » Lamdage, posted by floatingbridge on August 23, 2011, at 17:50:15
Hey floating bridge,
no therapist.. i was too overwhelmed by the amount of Ts i probably have to visit until i find one with whom i can work with.
Think its imperative that the T has gotten the help i am looking for. Like my T in the states, she is a wonderful woman.. Yes over time she became pretty attractive to me.See mental health professionals on the whole have done me a lot of harm, especially in germany. Thats why i am reluctant/procrastinating.
Im going to bed now.. sort of. Work will rape me. Got to leave the house in less than 2 hours. 3am that is.
> (((Lamdage)))
>
>
>
> You got a therapist on board with you? PTSD is really too tough to go alone. We all need guides.
>
> Feeling has a double edge. It's good and it hurts sometimes.
>
> Being alive is like that sometimes. It's good and it's
> sometimes painful. You aren't alone in that at all, even if it is night where you are.
>
> Are there stars out? Any breeze on the balcony?
>
> I sometimes find that if I look up at the sky, especially if there
> are stars, but even the night clouds, and feel my breath, after awhile, the pain breaks up and passes.
>
> The sky is always beautiful.
Posted by Lamdage on August 23, 2011, at 19:04:46
In reply to Re: pretty f*ck*d » Lamdage, posted by floatingbridge on August 23, 2011, at 17:50:15
Hey floating bridge,
no therapist.. i was too overwhelmed by the amount of Ts i probably have to visit until i find one with whom i can work with.
Think its imperative that the T has gotten the help i am looking for. Like my T in the states, she is a wonderful woman.. Yes over time she became pretty attractive to me.See mental health professionals on the whole have done me a lot of harm, especially in germany. Thats why i am reluctant/procrastinating.
Im going to bed now.. sort of. Work will rape me. Got to leave the house in less than 2 hours. 3am that is.
> (((Lamdage)))
>
>
>
> You got a therapist on board with you? PTSD is really too tough to go alone. We all need guides.
>
> Feeling has a double edge. It's good and it hurts sometimes.
>
> Being alive is like that sometimes. It's good and it's
> sometimes painful. You aren't alone in that at all, even if it is night where you are.
>
> Are there stars out? Any breeze on the balcony?
>
> I sometimes find that if I look up at the sky, especially if there
> are stars, but even the night clouds, and feel my breath, after awhile, the pain breaks up and passes.
>
> The sky is always beautiful.
Posted by floatingbridge on August 23, 2011, at 19:31:57
In reply to Re: pretty f*ck*d, posted by Lamdage on August 23, 2011, at 19:04:46
A good enough therapist can be difficult to find :-/
Don't give up.
It doesn't sound like you are....
Hang in there at work today.
Posted by Lamdage on August 25, 2011, at 6:42:41
In reply to Re: pretty f*ck*d » Lamdage, posted by floatingbridge on August 23, 2011, at 19:31:57
> A good enough therapist can be difficult to find :-/
>
> Don't give up.
>
> It doesn't sound like you are....
>
> Hang in there at work today.
I hung in there but my back didn't.. While i could deadlift 330 pounds for repetitions at a time in my life without back problems.. i can't do this work.I couldn't lift the parcels cleanly anymore and my back hurt every time.. I could do something else with less lifting yesterday as an exception but usually the folks from my firm only do the lifting out of containers.
Still its a common feeling dropping out somewhere. Its a lifelong pattern. Theres a lot of pressure on me and i felt just awful. Its like I'm trying to climb the himalaya (Psychologically and wanting to go to the us to study) and i didn't even put up my base camp.
I also feel very uncomfortable socially in a work environment like that..
Anyway got a job interview on monday for a better job. This parcel lifting was just meant to be until i find something better
Posted by sigismund on August 31, 2011, at 15:29:19
In reply to pretty f*ck*d, posted by Lamdage on August 23, 2011, at 17:31:00
> At least i have felt some truth in my life, had no idea what that is. How would i? No one showed me. On the contrary i was punished for looking for it
It's what I liked about Bergman movies....those characters who would say 'It's all a tissue of lies'.
Posted by TheDmachine on September 27, 2011, at 20:29:35
In reply to pretty f*ck*d, posted by Lamdage on August 23, 2011, at 17:31:00
Dude man, you sound pretty down. Don't worry, I've been there... day dreaming about the end screaming in my head, teeming, ears steaming and ringing loud.
Basically you need to look at your life, write down a list of all the good and all the bad.
Then you have to ask yourself, 'What would I need to be happy?'...or you could write 'If I were a happy person I would...'Now you have to look at where you are at, and how much work it would take to build a life you can be somewhat proud of. If it seems like too much work for you, if it doesn't seem worth it, then die in a proud manner.
Though I would recommend if you decide on suicide to set the date for a week in the future so you can think about it.As Churchill said 'It's better to die standing than to live on your knees.'
Still I think there are very few people whose life is so far gone that there is no reason to live. Even if you have been wrongly imprisoned for a crime you didn't commit you could still resist suicide in order to one day get out of prison and get much deserved vengeance on society.
This is an extreme example.Though I would definitely say that at times suicide is warranted, and, in fact, the correct and proud option.
Posted by floatingbridge on September 27, 2011, at 21:24:14
In reply to Re: pretty f*ck*d, posted by TheDmachine on September 27, 2011, at 20:29:35
Churchill is being quoted?
Famous people say inaccurate statements all the time.
He had a black dog. He worked with his own cognitive distortions.
You can debate the right to suicide. That's free speech.
Encouraging anyone online seems flat-out wrong. Why would you want to do this?
Posted by Lamdage22 on October 9, 2011, at 7:37:48
In reply to Pretty f'd » TheDmachine, posted by floatingbridge on September 27, 2011, at 21:24:14
> Churchill is being quoted?
>
> Famous people say inaccurate statements all the time.
>
> He had a black dog. He worked with his own cognitive distortions.
>
> You can debate the right to suicide. That's free speech.
>
> Encouraging anyone online seems flat-out wrong. Why would you want to do this?
>Thou shalt devoutly read thy steve jobs scriptures haha.
Thanks for the ongoing support guys.. Im not as down as i was at the time.
Appreciate it, Lamdage
Posted by Lamdage22 on October 9, 2011, at 7:41:02
In reply to Re: Pretty f'd, posted by Lamdage22 on October 9, 2011, at 7:37:48
Though a woman took the opportunity to cut me quite deeply but I'm getting over it. Seems I'm working it out in my -at the time quite lucid- dreams. As if i got a task, something i need to take care of there and when i did i wake.
Think this calls for some Lucidity supplement experimentation out of boredom.
Posted by Lamdage22 on October 9, 2011, at 7:49:01
In reply to Re: Pretty f'd, posted by Lamdage22 on October 9, 2011, at 7:41:02
This was much needed relief
This is the end of the thread.
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