![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by annierose on October 15, 2011, at 15:40:17
In the interest of not boring you with too many details ... here is the guts of the story.
I arrive a few minutes early to therapy and while in the parking lot, I see my sister in law's sister going towards her car. Immediately I correctly guess that she saw "my" therapist. My s-i-l asked me for my t's phone number and I never had the chance to talk with my t about this being conflict since I was dealing with other more important "stuff".
I let my t know that I know Mrs. E. She is my sister-in-law's step sister and I can't believe how fast the number was given and an appointment made (48 hours). At first, t won't admit that she saw Mrs. E but finally admits that this is a potential conflict.
I back peddal on my initial disappointment because I do think Mrs. E would like my t. Their personalities are similar. I'm more the bull in the china shop type and my t and Mrs. E are more demure, quiet, kind, polite, good liseners. My t is concerned for my feelings and asks what I would like her to do - but I can't and won't say "don't see her". And as I thought about it, I hardly know Mrs. E. I see her probably once a year or twice - max. I don't know too much about her - mostly general stuff when my s-i-l is talking about her family.
Mrs. E does not know that I see the T she was referred to ... and my t would like to keep it that way if she is to continue seeing her.
I told my T that I have known her for over 25 years (not seeing her all that time mind you) and that I feel our relationship is strong ... this won't change anything. But there is a small part that says "ouch" ... someone is stepping on my toes.
T and I decided we would both think about it and talk more later ... but if she was to continue seeing Mrs. E, I had to promise, along with my s-i-l that we would not discuss Mrs. E's therapy ... i.e. I can't ask sil, "so does Mrs. E like my t?"
Would this bother you?
Posted by Solstice on October 15, 2011, at 16:33:35
In reply to How would you feel?, posted by annierose on October 15, 2011, at 15:40:17
> Would this bother you?Yep.. I'd shut down. I think it would trigger an impossible-to-predict amount and type of reactions in me. I also think that if I were to regress into insecurity, depression, anxiety, etc.. (like I periodically do), it would make it much more difficult for my therapist to throw me a life line... I think it would put my therapeutic relationship at risk whenever I slipped into a less balanced frame of mind.
I think if I felt strong at the time it started, I would put on a good face like you are doing. But I know the places I can sink when I'm not strong.. and I just wouldn't want to have that become one more factor that affects the relationship (or my perception of it from a dark hole), that I rely on to bring me back.
Solstice
Posted by pegasus on October 15, 2011, at 22:55:52
In reply to How would you feel?, posted by annierose on October 15, 2011, at 15:40:17
Yeah, I wouldn't like it either. I don't want to ever know who any of my T's other clients are. I have a hard enough time dealing with them when I don't know.
The only potentially *good* thing about it would be if I got friendly with Mrs. E, and was able to talk about my T with her if I wanted to. I would totally reject that condition of not discussing T's therapy between the two of you. Although, of course, you'd want to be very sensitive in feeling out Mrs. E about whether she'd want to talk about T with you.
I actually do have a friend who recommended my current T, and she and I have talked a bit about him. It's really weird yet interesting to talk to someone who has a different perspective on *my* T. She had him as a supervisor, not a T, so it's different for her. But I learned some interesting things from her about how he works. I imagine he wouldn't like that, but I don't plan to tell him.
- Peg
Posted by Dinah on October 16, 2011, at 16:23:29
In reply to How would you feel?, posted by annierose on October 15, 2011, at 15:40:17
I'm torn. I recently gave my therapist's name to a coworker for a family member. I didn't have any reservations about this, because I don't think I've exchanged more than a word or two with the family member in my life. I'm usually not all that jealous of my therapist's other clients, unless he's foolish enough to do something that stimulates my sibling rivalry. Which doesn't happen that often. I figure they make it possible for him to stay in business, and so are a necessary evil.
On the other hand, I absolutely positively do not want to hear about my therapist from any other client. I'm sure he's different with other people than he is with me. That's only natural, since people respond to the individual. I once heard a client in the elevator speaking casually of my therapist by first name, mentioning something that he'd never told me. I'm still a bit upset when I remember that glimpse of someone I didn't know through someone else's eyes. So, if there was any chance whatsoever that any mention of my therapist might be made in my presence, I know I'd find it upsetting.
And of course, if there was any remote chance that my therapist might comment on anything that happened in a relationship between me and another client, or in any way indicate that he doesn't entirely have my interests at heart, I'd spit fire. He's **my** therapist. ****Mine!****
I can't imagine how people do Group with their individual therapists. I really can't.
Posted by annierose on October 16, 2011, at 18:17:40
In reply to Re: How would you feel? » annierose, posted by Solstice on October 15, 2011, at 16:33:35
I wish I knew how I felt ... not sure if I am putting on a brave face or if I really am okay with it.
I know it sounds odd - but sometimes I don't know what I feel ... there is what I think I am suppose to feel and how I react to a situation that usually exposes my truer feelings.
Right now - I am ok with it. Since I do not see this person during the year but once or twice, I think it should be fine. Thank you for sharing. It is helpful for me to read your thoughts.
Posted by annierose on October 16, 2011, at 18:25:12
In reply to Re: How would you feel? » annierose, posted by pegasus on October 15, 2011, at 22:55:52
I don't like bumping into my t's other clients either. I used to give them names ... there was the stalker client, the curmudgeon -who was also known as the smoker and preppy girl. Luckily, in her new office, the likelihood I see her other clients is vastly diminished.
Actually "knowing" a client is more exciting on some level than just randomly passing the stranger who is a client in the hallway each week. I won't ask Mrs. G about her treatment with my t ... she will never know I see her too unless my sister-in-law tells her (and she promised me she wouldn't).
However ... my sister-in-law texted me this morning telling me "she loved your t. thinks she is really nice and made an appointment to see her again. wants to go 2 - 3x a week." It was more than I needed to know. I replied, "Good to know. T is very kind and genuine. I knew she would like her."
Hopefully we won't mention my t ever ever again.
Posted by annierose on October 16, 2011, at 18:34:24
In reply to Re: How would you feel? » annierose, posted by Dinah on October 16, 2011, at 16:23:29
One thing I know for sure - my t would never comment to Mrs. G about anything I said. She ever so rarely gives client examples ... not even once a year. Mrs. G and I share the same 'sister' so to speak. I think for T it would be interesting if we both spoke of s-i-l or her husband (who is an *ss) in similar or different terms. I'll never know.
I am surprised that you gave your t's number to someone you knew of ... that was huge of you. You could potentially ask coworker, "what did xxx think of my t?"
I agree about Group with individual t. My t does NOT do groups. But I have had similar feelings with my workout teacher. I go to his group class once a week - it's a brutal bootcamp style class - and it kicks my butt every week. I also work out with him privately (or with my daugher) twice a week. In the private sessions, he is kind and thoughtful and a wonderful listener ... very tuned in to my moods, very responsive. At the group class, I feel (often) ignored or overtly picked on ... I leave class with hurt feelings more often than not. Something is definitely stirred up ... some old feelings.
Feelings are complicated.
Posted by Dinah on October 16, 2011, at 20:38:17
In reply to Re: How would you feel? » pegasus, posted by annierose on October 16, 2011, at 18:25:12
> However ... my sister-in-law texted me this morning telling me "she loved your t. thinks she is really nice and made an appointment to see her again. wants to go 2 - 3x a week." It was more than I needed to know.
Yes, I can see where that would be a bit too much information. :)
To be honest, I didn't think it likely that the person I mentioned would actually go to my therapist. If I ever hear it's come to pass, I think I'd have to say I don't want to hear anything more. Worlds colliding.
Posted by annierose on October 16, 2011, at 21:26:11
In reply to Re: How would you feel? » annierose, posted by Dinah on October 16, 2011, at 20:38:17
that's a perfect description ... "world's colliding".
Posted by Daisym on October 17, 2011, at 1:15:20
In reply to Re: How would you feel? » pegasus, posted by annierose on October 16, 2011, at 18:25:12
and she promised me she wouldn't).
However ... my sister-in-law texted me this morning telling me "she loved your t. thinks she is really nice and made an appointment to see her again. wants to go 2 - 3x a week." It was more than I needed to know. I replied, "Good to know. T is very kind and genuine. I knew she would like her."
NO- NO - NO!
I absolutely wouldn't be able to stand this. 2 or 3x a week? Too many chances to run into her and too much intimacy with MY therapist. It would make me nuts.
But - if you do both see her, there is no way I could agree to your therapist's request. I'd want to know what she thought, whether she was lying down or sitting up, etc. I don't think it is realistic for your therapist to think that the two of you wouldn't at least compare notes about her outfits! But I sometimes think therapists are just not that tuned in to how much their clients want to talk about them.
Good luck with this. It would be hard for me to focus on anything else for awhile.
Posted by annierose on October 17, 2011, at 6:46:36
In reply to Re: How would you feel?, posted by Daisym on October 17, 2011, at 1:15:20
Lucky for me - I unfortunately have other stuff to focus on that is much more pressing - like my marriage - so I do think I will be able to NOT talk about this again for awhile. T promised she wouldn't schedule us back to back - but that may not always be possible.
I just want to be Dinah's "Jessica".
Posted by emmanuel98 on October 17, 2011, at 20:51:50
In reply to Re: How would you feel? » Daisym, posted by annierose on October 17, 2011, at 6:46:36
I would hate it if someone I knew, even vaguely, saw my T. I can barely stand the fact that he has other patients. I know I would want to compare notes -- what is he like with you, does he love you as much as me. I also think that he would not see someone I knew, knowing how hard it would be for me to keep any boundaries. He has told me he would never do therapy with a friend, or even with the friend or relative of a friend or with the friend or relative of a client. Too many opportunities for transference angst and boundary violations. I used to have nightmares where I found out he was seeing my sister or my husband for therapy. I would feel so angry and jealous in the dreams.
Posted by Dinah on October 18, 2011, at 17:36:39
In reply to Re: How would you feel?, posted by emmanuel98 on October 17, 2011, at 20:51:50
My therapist did see my husband for a while. But it was ok because it was in the early days before he was *my* therapist. We saw him similarly at the time, so there was no cognitive dissonance.
My husband is not very psychologically minded, and tends to frustrate your average therapist. My therapist is hard to frustrate.
Posted by annierose on October 18, 2011, at 21:44:54
In reply to Re: How would you feel?, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2011, at 17:36:39
I have only seen my t twice since this issue came up, and I haven't thought to mention it again ... probably because I do have stuff going on in my life that is taking center stage.
But I think it's going to be alright. My t will always be "my" T and no one else can change that relationship.
She might like her temperament more, think she is kinder, or whatever ... but you know what ... everyone needs a crazy loud fun energetic deep moody client to spice up their caseload : ) that would be me of course
Posted by mmealltalk on October 28, 2011, at 9:48:26
In reply to Re: So far ..., posted by annierose on October 18, 2011, at 21:44:54
About 2 years into my treatment with my therapist, my boss walked out of her office as I was entering and it was so awkward and I felt terrible. I got mad at my therapist for agreeing to see her, as she knew from me what her occupation and name was but my therapist didnt know so much as that was a consultation session. I learned later that my mom had given her my T name and I was furious with my mom (I was like 15yrs old at the time and mom was friends with my boss and got me the job.) I didnt see my boss there for next 2 weeks and then learned from mom that my boss refused to go back as she scheduled an appt for day after Thanksgiving and my therapist didnt show. I know my therapist doesnt work that day so it wasnt her fault it was my bosses but my mom's whole group of friends started talking about how unprofessional my therapist was etc. That bothered me a lot. I was happy boss wasnt returning, and she wouldnt be recommended by anyone in my mom's group of friends but hearing everyone put her down made me defensive and angry. (BTW- my boss never mentioned seeing me there, ever) Anyway, that was years ago and even though I hadnt referred her, it did lead to strong feelings.
Years later I saw a psychiatrist (for hour long sessions) who was over an hour from my home and knew no patients in common. One day I left there and saw this easy to remember looking guy waiting to see her. The next day I went to my mood disorders group near my home and that guy was there. I thought I would die. My psychiatrist was someone I spoke frequently about, as she was always pushing meds on me and she was a big issue discussed by me in group. I panicked as I didnt know if I would have to stop talking in fear that he would repeat what was said, or what would happen. He didnt recognize me but I did him. Im embarrassed to say that I started the group explaining that he and I had the same psychiatrist and this felt very difficult for me to feel comfortable and the whole group chimed in saying I should be able to talk about what I want and he should be able to do the same without repeating to psychiatrist anything said, besides that we knew we were both in the same group. I feel like I attacked him his first day in group and my strong emotions just took over. Anyway, we both kept our promises, and nothing was repeated. After group concluded a year later he and I remained friends and we would compare everything said and done with her. He shared a lot of my feelings and as friends it felt more comfortable to talk about her, but in group there was always that worry, especially as I was having a rough time with her.
So, in my opinion if you could avoid seeing the same therapist or psychiatrist as someone you know it would be much better in terms of your own anxiety. I dont know if any of this helped, or if it even made sense but this was my experience.
-Mel
Posted by annierose on October 31, 2011, at 21:29:26
In reply to If this helps))) (its long, sorry), posted by mmealltalk on October 28, 2011, at 9:48:26
Thank you for sharing your experience. It did help!! Because my sister-in-law's sister and I do not see each other in social settings, maybe once or twice a year, I think I can handle this 'at the moment'. I say that because right now my sessions are consumed with my day-to-day life (since I am considering leaving my husband) that I haven't even thought of this woman while in session.
But I'm sure, once my life quiets down, I will.
And/or ... if I run into her in a social setting, I just might have to ask, "do you like your therapist?" (grin) ... without disclosing, of course, I see the same one.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.