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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by J Kelly on March 20, 2016, at 11:37:02
Hello,
I recently started therapy. At my last appt. my T asked me about what I used to enjoy. Hmm. Years ago I was the family photographer. I have a big family. I told her about a large ceramic plate I kept on a table in my living room. It held a large number of ever revolving pictures of family members. Most family gatherings/holidays were spent at my house, it was the largest. So everyone would go to the dish to see recent and/or favorite pictures of themselves.
I lost it. The sudden image of who I used to be completely overwhelmed me, caught me by complete surprise. I was choking I was crying so hard. I was embarrassed. I NEVER cry. It scares me what's lurking so close to the surface. I have the feeling things in therapy are going to get much worse before they get better. I'm scared. My stomach is tightening just typing this.
Maybe no one will see this but it would be really cool if this board became active again.
Jade
Posted by baseball55 on March 20, 2016, at 19:32:48
In reply to Floodgate, posted by J Kelly on March 20, 2016, at 11:37:02
When you've been holding back a lot of feelings, things do get worse before getting better, because, if you let yourself be vulnerable and take it seriously, therapy tends to open up all these emotions. What I've lost, what I never had, what I need, what I am struggling with. It can seem overwhelming. But a good therapist will sit with you and bear witness to your grief/regret/whatever.
But there will come a time, hopefully not to long after you begin, when you feel grateful to have opened up this stuff and reflected upon yourself with the support of a caring person who, by profession, asks nothing in return except for your co-pay.
That's my reaction. But I had a wonderful therapist and, though intense and painful, a wonderful experience with therapy. Not everyone does. Sometimes because the therapist is not skilled or is not a good fit, sometimes because the client really can't allow themselves to be vulnerable. I know people who have been to therapists, sometimes multiple therapists, who never cried in therapy. I never cried before therapy, but for the first several months of therapy, I rarely got through a session without crying.
Posted by J Kelly on March 20, 2016, at 19:59:04
In reply to Re: Floodgate » J Kelly, posted by baseball55 on March 20, 2016, at 19:32:48
> When you've been holding back a lot of feelings, things do get worse before getting better, because, if you let yourself be vulnerable and take it seriously, therapy tends to open up all these emotions. What I've lost, what I never had, what I need, what I am struggling with. It can seem overwhelming. But a good therapist will sit with you and bear witness to your grief/regret/whatever.
It came out of nowhere. The overwhelming feeling of loss. Who I used to be. And the utter despair that I'm no longer that person.
I think she is very good and while I know it will be hard I'm gonna do the work. It felt odd to cry. I'm so locked up I physically feel ill when I go. But the flood gate needs to open and I need to grieve and move on.
>
> But there will come a time, hopefully not to long after you begin, when you feel grateful to have opened up this stuff and reflected upon yourself with the support of a caring person who, by profession, asks nothing in return except for your co-pay.
>
> That's my reaction. But I had a wonderful therapist and, though intense and painful, a wonderful experience with therapy. Not everyone does. Sometimes because the therapist is not skilled or is not a good fit, sometimes because the client really can't allow themselves to be vulnerable. I know people who have been to therapists, sometimes multiple therapists, who never cried in therapy. I never cried before therapy, but for the first several months of therapy, I rarely got through a session without crying.I think she's a good fit and it surprises me that I can cry. Its been so long. I have hope and faith. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words.
Jade
Posted by SLS on March 20, 2016, at 21:38:47
In reply to Re: Floodgate » baseball55, posted by J Kelly on March 20, 2016, at 19:59:04
To accept the unacceptable takes enormous courage and resolution in order to continue moving forward. For me, it was not an easy process. I cried often. I cried for what was stolen from me. I cried for what I never was. I cried for what never would be. Great loss.
Perhaps it would help to make a gratitude list. For some reason, I find it very helpful. Despite your losses, I am sure you can find things to be grateful for. Not everyone has a roof over their head or food in their belly. I know that this sounds trite, but it's true. There are times when you will want to piss on your gratitude list. All you will focus on is the undeserved pain and frustration. You will recognize that you want what everyone else has. Unfortunately, you are the one who has been chosen to suffer in silence. That is hard to accept. I have come to accept that I am ill, but I do not accept the illness. I have not resigned.
You are strong, Jade. That's my opinion, anyway. You are also precocious. You want to know everything. Maybe you need a brief vacation from your illness and the deluge of information that you must process. You must be exhausted.
- Scott
Posted by J Kelly on March 20, 2016, at 22:17:47
In reply to Re: Floodgate » J Kelly, posted by SLS on March 20, 2016, at 21:38:47
> To accept the unacceptable takes enormous courage and resolution in order to continue moving forward. For me, it was not an easy process. I cried often. I cried for what was stolen from me. I cried for what I never was. I cried for what never would be. Great loss.
>
> Perhaps it would help to make a gratitude list. For some reason, I find it very helpful. Despite your losses, I am sure you can find things to be grateful for. Not everyone has a roof over their head or food in their belly. I know that this sounds trite, but it's true. There are times when you will want to piss on your gratitude list. All you will focus on is the undeserved pain and frustration. You will recognize that you want what everyone else has. Unfortunately, you are the one who has been chosen to suffer in silence. That is hard to accept. I have come to accept that I am ill, but I do not accept the illness. I have not resigned.
>
> You are strong, Jade. That's my opinion, anyway. You are also precocious. You want to know everything. Maybe you need a brief vacation from your illness and the deluge of information that you must process. You must be exhausted.
>
>
> - ScottI am exhausted. I would love a vacation from my illness. Thanks for your support.
Jade
Posted by J Kelly on March 21, 2016, at 9:44:51
In reply to Re: Floodgate » J Kelly, posted by SLS on March 20, 2016, at 21:38:47
> To accept the unacceptable takes enormous courage and resolution in order to continue moving forward. For me, it was not an easy process. I cried often. I cried for what was stolen from me. I cried for what I never was. I cried for what never would be. Great loss.
I'm so sorry. The loss is the hardest part. You always seem the picture of strength to me and it breaks my heart to hear this. But selfishly when I come here I feel less alone. Maybe that's true for you as well.
>
> Perhaps it would help to make a gratitude list. For some reason, I find it very helpful. Despite your losses, I am sure you can find things to be grateful for. Not everyone has a roof over their head or food in their belly. I know that this sounds trite, but it's true.> There are times when you will want to piss on your gratitude list.
This made me laugh out loud. We still have a sense of humor so I guess that's something :)
>All you will focus on is the undeserved pain and frustration. You will recognize that you want what everyone else has. Unfortunately, you are the one who has been chosen to suffer in silence. That is hard to accept. I have come to accept that I am ill, but I do not accept the illness. I have not resigned.
I feel like I will never accept it. I'm not sure that's healthy. I want my life back.
>
> You are strong, Jade. That's my opinion, anyway.Thank you for that. Sometimes I think so and sometimes I just want to disappear.
> You are also precocious. You want to know everything. Maybe you need a brief vacation from your illness and the deluge of information that you must process. You must be exhausted.
You're probably right. I get worked up thinking if I go after this illness with everything I have I'll be able to "fix" it. I'll try to slow down.
Thank you for your understanding, advice, and concern. It helps. And it helps that I am not alone.
Jade
Posted by Tabitha on March 21, 2016, at 14:40:11
In reply to Floodgate, posted by J Kelly on March 20, 2016, at 11:37:02
I can see why you'd feel such a loss over a tradition like the picture collection, it sounds really cool.
Posted by J Kelly on March 21, 2016, at 15:47:21
In reply to Re: Floodgate » J Kelly, posted by Tabitha on March 21, 2016, at 14:40:11
> I can see why you'd feel such a loss over a tradition like the picture collection, it sounds really cool.
>Thank you for that Tabitha. The little things add up I'm afraid.
How are you doing?
Jade
Posted by Tabitha on March 22, 2016, at 12:56:55
In reply to Re: Floodgate » Tabitha, posted by J Kelly on March 21, 2016, at 15:47:21
> Thank you for that Tabitha. The little things add up I'm afraid.
>
> How are you doing?
>
> JadeI'm doing well, thanks. I'm planning some trips and looking forward to them.
Posted by J Kelly on March 22, 2016, at 14:50:02
In reply to Re: Floodgate, posted by Tabitha on March 22, 2016, at 12:56:55
>
> I'm doing well, thanks. I'm planning some trips and looking forward to them.
>
>Happy to hear this and I'm gonna keep in mind your approaches to travel in regards to limiting triggers.
Enjoy :)
Jade
Posted by ClearSkies on March 22, 2016, at 20:00:20
In reply to Floodgate, posted by J Kelly on March 20, 2016, at 11:37:02
I think the floodgates open in therapy when the trust has been connnected and you feel safe. It's quite profound.
I want this board to come back to life, too.
Posted by J Kelly on March 22, 2016, at 20:29:53
In reply to Re: Floodgate » J Kelly, posted by ClearSkies on March 22, 2016, at 20:00:20
> I think the floodgates open in therapy when the trust has been connnected and you feel safe. It's quite profound.
>
> I want this board to come back to life, too.I've only seen her 3 times but I have a really good feeling about her. Last appt I kinda jokingly said I hope she wouldn't be retiring any time soon and she said "never". She just seems to be accepting and on my side. Its what I really need right now. I don't easily open up to family or friends as I don't want to be a burden :(
She's a good fit I think.
I, too, would like to see Babble blossom once again :)
Jade
Posted by baseball55 on March 24, 2016, at 19:10:07
In reply to Re: Floodgate » J Kelly, posted by ClearSkies on March 22, 2016, at 20:00:20
> I think the floodgates open in therapy when the trust has been connnected and you feel safe. It's quite profound.
>
> I want this board to come back to life, too.I once told my psychiatrist that I wanted to give him something exquisite - a poem, a piece of music, an artwork - though I have no talents in any of these things. He said, you've already given me the most exquisite gift I could imagine - a relationship of mutual trust.
Posted by J Kelly on March 24, 2016, at 20:31:45
In reply to Re: Floodgate, posted by baseball55 on March 24, 2016, at 19:10:07
> > I think the floodgates open in therapy when the trust has been connnected and you feel safe. It's quite profound.
> >
> > I want this board to come back to life, too.
>
> I once told my psychiatrist that I wanted to give him something exquisite - a poem, a piece of music, an artwork - though I have no talents in any of these things. He said, you've already given me the most exquisite gift I could imagine - a relationship of mutual trust.Its kind of strange to me. I've never had a relationship like this before. I went in to my third appointment and did my routine where I act like everything is fine. Like I do around family, clients, etc. I left thinking that was a complete waste of time.
My first two appointments I left in tears. Feeling like I had just unloaded mountains of distress.
I guess two outta three aint bad..
Jade
Posted by alexandra_k on April 4, 2016, at 14:26:53
In reply to Re: Floodgate » baseball55, posted by J Kelly on March 24, 2016, at 20:31:45
Hey, J.
I will post more... Thanks for posting this :)
Nice to see some stuff on the psychology board, again.
Something... Real. Touching.
Yeah.
Posted by J Kelly on April 4, 2016, at 18:14:07
In reply to Re: Floodgate » J Kelly, posted by alexandra_k on April 4, 2016, at 14:26:53
> Hey, J.
>
> I will post more... Thanks for posting this :)
> Nice to see some stuff on the psychology board, again.
> Something... Real. Touching.
> Yeah.Hey alexandra,
Thank you for that. Sometimes its just nice to be heard :)
Jade
Posted by alexandra_k on April 8, 2016, at 19:27:54
In reply to Re: Floodgate » alexandra_k, posted by J Kelly on April 4, 2016, at 18:14:07
Yeah. It is nice to feel heard, sometimes :)
Posted by Chris O on April 12, 2016, at 0:27:14
In reply to Re: Floodgate, posted by baseball55 on March 24, 2016, at 19:10:07
If any therapist or psychiatry said this to me, I would break down and cry. Such a kind and true sentiment.
This is the end of the thread.
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