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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shy_Girl on March 30, 2005, at 23:50:36
Hello, first time posting on this particular board. I was just wondering whether or not I might have some defect in my personality or something.
It seems that I cannot get close to people. I had a boyfriend for nearly a year (my first and only boyfriend ever) and he put up with lots of crap like me never calling and telling him not to hug me so much. It was almost like gender roles where reversed or something. He was always asking about how I was and being all affectionate. Meanwhile, I must admit that I found the affection very annoying. I am not at all comfortable with touching, kissing, etc. He would say he loved me and I would mirror back the words and not really know if I meant them. I tried to break up with him many times, but he wouldn't let me. I finally convinced him it was over and he was clearly upset. I was not at all upset and find that I was not attached to him at all. It seems that I never loved or cared for him and wouldn't care if I never heard from him again. Right now, I don't want to get into another relationship...I don't care if I ever do. I'm not really attracted to men or women. I frankly satisfy all sexual needs on my own. I like being independent. Is there something really wrong with me? Why does it seem like human affection and love are alien concepts to me???
thanks for any and all insights :-)
Posted by sunny10 on March 31, 2005, at 9:29:52
In reply to Incapable of love?, posted by Shy_Girl on March 30, 2005, at 19:17:43
If you are comfortable being on your own then there's nothing wrong with you. Eveyone is different; you don't have to conform to someone else's idea of "normal" if you are comfortable within yourself.
If you ever feel lonely, though, maybe you'll want to look into why you feel you "can't form attachments". Thoughts like "relationships aren't worth the trouble and pain", or "I could really love this person if...", or a sigh, "this is my life; I'll get used to it" would all point to a fear of "involvement" that do you need/want a relationship in some respect, but not everyone needs/wants a partner. Those people don't have thoughts like that. Although they do wonder if other people think they are not normal...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that no one is "normal"... we all react to different situations in different ways, we all have different ideas of what loneliness is vs alone-ness. The most important thing for you is to figure out what YOUR ideas of loneliness vs alone-ness are.
The physical aspects of arousal and completion do very important things within your body and brain to keep you healthy. I would be more concerned if you had said you were asexual. Choosing to be alone is not an unhealthy choice for everyone. It's only unhealthy for those who are burying a need/desire beneath fear.
Hope my opinion on the matter helps... as usual, use what you like and feel free to throw away the rest... In the long run, your opinion is the one that matters.
-sunny10
Posted by Shy_Girl on March 31, 2005, at 20:37:13
In reply to Re: Incapable of love?, posted by sunny10 on March 31, 2005, at 9:29:52
> If you are comfortable being on your own then there's nothing wrong with you. Eveyone is different; you don't have to conform to someone else's idea of "normal" if you are comfortable within yourself.
>
> If you ever feel lonely, though, maybe you'll want to look into why you feel you "can't form attachments".Thanks so much for pointing this out to me! All that really matters is whether or not I'm ok with being alone or not. I have felt lonely in the past, but I can never get close to people, so maybe I've learned to avoid people altogether. It might have something to do with my social anxiety and some body image issues I have. Right now I don't really feel lonely, but I feel like I should feel lonely.
It would be nice to have a partner, but I'm afraid I can never truly be close to anyone. I do have attachment issues. I don't even have friends anymore because I never keep in touch. This is going to be a big disadvantage for me in this world...where who you know is hugely important. That really depresses me. I would be ok if I lived my whole life alone, but it is not ok according to society and I will never succeed in life being entirely alone, so that depresses me a lot.
Thank-you again for your thoughful reply :-)
Shy_Girl
Posted by sunny10 on April 1, 2005, at 8:55:53
In reply to Re: Incapable of love? » sunny10, posted by Shy_Girl on March 31, 2005, at 20:37:13
do me a favor and re-read your reply... It sounds to me like you are waffling back and forth about how YOU feel about being alone.
I would much rather hear that you are working on why you have this fear of attachments. Obviously, to me anyway, you have been greatly hurt by loving others in the past. (I recognize that because I have said things exactly like you are saying them now. I could be reading into your reply based on what I've been through, but it just resonates so clearly in my mind that my perception of your reply just feels right.)
The problem is that you can't "convince yourself" that you don't need something/someone when you do. You may as well convince yourself that you don't need water to live. It just doesn't work.
Come on, Shy_Girl, we're your friends already...there really are kind, decent, loving people in the world. You just need to learn which ones to trust, and then trust yourself to pick the right people to surround yourself with. It's not easy- and it's not a quick fix. I struggle with this, too. We're both making a start on this just by being here. I'll be happy to listen and offer any kind of help I can...and I'm sure that others here will feel the same way when they get to read this...
XOXOXOXOX
-sunny10
Posted by Dinah on April 1, 2005, at 10:11:01
In reply to Re: Incapable of love? » sunny10, posted by Shy_Girl on March 31, 2005, at 20:37:13
I got the same impression as Sunny. Plus there is your screen name. You didn't choose Indifferent Girl.
There are genuinely people out there with a limited need for connection and attachment, and that's fine. It was believed by everyone from my therapist to me that I was one of those people.
But as I learned and grew in therapy, I discovered that quite the opposite was true. I had a deep need for attachment. So deep that I was afraid that needing someone would mean being hurt. And it does, a bit.
Have you been to therapy to explore this? I think that with the right therapist, this is one of the issues therapy is best at.
Posted by Shy_Girl on April 2, 2005, at 17:46:03
In reply to Re: Incapable of love? » Shy_Girl, posted by Dinah on April 1, 2005, at 10:11:01
Thank you for the replies. Sorry, I don't have the energy to type up a thoughful response right now.
This is the end of the thread.
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