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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DannaB on February 15, 2007, at 21:42:05
Yet another post about my my back-and-forth relationship! We keep almost breaking up. I love this guy. I want to make it work. But we seem to have very different ideas about a relationship.
I want someone who treasures me. Who makes me feel special. Who wants to share the "daily things" in his life with me.
He has a lot going on in his life and seems to want a relationship that is "easy." He was in an abusive relationship previously and is extremely sensitive to the idea of being pushed or manipulated. He seems to want "no demands," as in no expectation that he call or treat me a certain way. He doesn't respond well to my requests for more attention and communication. Actually, the more I request the less he gives.
Our troubles started once we had gotten more serious, and I overreacted about a couple things (a tendency of mine due to anxiety) when I was going through a very stressful time. He said this made him worry that I would be like his ex. Prior to this he was a great boyfriend. He accepted my apology for overreacting, but we just aren't as close as before.
I have tried to chill out, but I just can't deal with getting the "leftovers" of his attention. It makes me feel unappreciated. I have asked him to be more expressive about how he feels about me and to call me more and show me that he cares--things he did when we first started dating.
I am so scared to lose him. I don't understand why he can't give me a little more. I *know* that he cares about me...after all, we keep fighting yet we keep staying together. So why won't he try to meet me halfway? I would appreciate your thoughts and/or advice, but please be gentle as I'm a little bit sensitive and worry that I've done something "wrong."
Posted by Jo U.K on February 17, 2007, at 4:47:07
In reply to Need support, posted by DannaB on February 15, 2007, at 21:42:05
Hi Danna,
I dont know how old you are but you sound so much like I was in my twenties(I'm 35 now).
I had lots of problems through my late teens which left my a very insecure and quite a needy person. On the outside I was tough as old boots, but as far as my boyfriend(Who I met at 19) was concerned I was a shaky mass of wanting and needing.
He was a very strong person,he too had had his troubles but his way of dealing with it was to bury everything and keep life simple and uncomplicated.
In the beginning of relationships, it's all hearts and flowers, declarations of adoration and loads of attention. But in the following months, this settles down - that's normal.
Us ladies tend to crave that romance and attention, but blokes dont work like that. Once you are theirs, they dont always see that it's necessary for you to hear that lovely stuff. They arent generally as emotional.
Dont take that as a rejection from him! It doesnt mean he loves you any less.
I am still with this man, 16 years later!
How did we get through it? Well, it has been a rocky road and we have been within a whisker of splitting SO many times. There were lessons for both of us to learn:
Me : to work through my anxieties by myself, not relying on him to prop me up.
I grew up a little and felt more confident that I could take care of myself.
Develope my personality through friends and hobbies.
Him : To understand that I AM quite needy and that even if he thinks it's unnecessary,he has to make himself occasionally say some nice stuff t reassure me of how he feels. I dont mind if he isnt feeling the need, just the fact that he's trying for my sake is enough.When you talk to him about this Danna, be very carefull to not phrase things as accusations to him such as ' you never say such and such'.
Try and say ' I know it's daft but it makes me feel so good when you say such and such - it's really important to me'.
We all want to feel treasured and special. I still have to point this out to my man (he's my husband now), cos sometimes he forgets. I say jokingly ' hey, come on, I'm feeling a little neglected here'.I used to think my man was a selfish pig in my younger days, now I realise that they just dont think like us (generally) but it's not personal, they just need a little nudging sometimes.
Understand that a lasting relationship will need for you first to like and respect yourself. Your fella may not respond well to out and out pressure - be more subtle, try and be more independant. You may feel you're getting leftovers, may be he's scared to get closer in case he's expected to maintain that level of attention - that's not reality I'm afraid Danna.
You apologised for over reacting, ask him if that has been bothering him still?It's not wrong to want more especially when you see him as someone special who you think should want to show you more care when you're feeling stressed. I'm sure he DOES care Danna, try and say ' I know you care about me, and I'm so glad to have you in my life'. This may make him feel empowered to show you that little more attention without the fear of you expecting even more. As I said Danna, be subtle and work on building up your own self esteem, then you wont need him so much and he'll adore you for it. Honesly, it works.
Best wishes to you.
JO
Posted by DannaB on February 19, 2007, at 21:43:27
In reply to Re: Need support, posted by Jo U.K on February 17, 2007, at 4:47:07
It's just hard. I want more from him. He doesn't communicate well. He has his own issues (big ones, I think...although we haven't really gone into it he's attempted suicide once), but my major issue in life is that I want close relationships and I feel rejected if I only get a little bit of attention. And he only gives a little little bit...
It's strange, but I'm not usually certain much of the time that he even CARES. But he keeps sticking with me, even though we have all of these problems. Even though we've both expressed concerns about the relationship and it seems like an awful lot of WORK, we are still together. That's got to count for something, right??
Posted by Jo U.K on February 20, 2007, at 1:37:51
In reply to Thanks » Jo U.K, posted by DannaB on February 19, 2007, at 21:43:27
Sure, I really think that does count for something. I understand your need, I really do. But if HE doesnt have that need, he will find it hard to understand, and fulfill yours.
Maybe you could maintain a fairly low-key relationship for a while, and work individually on your own separate issues, with a view to coming together more at a later date?
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