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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Reggie BoStar on December 10, 2006, at 18:28:28
I haven't had a relationship since the last one ended in total emotional disaster in 1983. At first I found it impossible to go near anyone no matter how hard I tried, then in later years I just stopped trying. Now I'm in my late 50's and will probably stay this way the rest of my life (if the last 23 yrs are any indication) and from what I see going on around me, I'm actually not too bad off. Occasionally loneliness can be pretty intense, but nothing like the trauma of lost relationships or the constant stress of being in one.
Still, it would be interesting to compare notes with others who live the way I do - to discuss how we manage, thoughts on how we became this way and why we'd rather not change, how we think we compare to people in relationships these days, etc.
Another reason I wanted to start this thread is that despite a lot of searching in forums like this one, I've never seen a thread dealing with the lives of people who have decided, for one reason or another, to go it alone. In fact this board was the closest I could come to the appropriate category, even though this is a sort of "non-relationship" topic.
And trust me, I understand the pain of a recently ended relationship, and the determination of someone in that situation to keep trying to salvage the old one or start a new one. Been there many times, done that many times. And I know what it's like to not be able to imagine a life without a relationship. I've been there, too.
The folks I'd like to hear from in this thread are the ones on the other side, who have been through all that and for personal reasons are staying alone. Because I've never seen a thread like that, I'm really curious about what other people in my situation have to say.
And of course, best wishes to those in relationships and who want that as their lifestyle. I respect everyone's choice either way, and it's certainly not my place to suggest anything negative about relationships in general and the people in them. They're just negative for me, and I don't want that kind of life for myself.
Sorry to be so long-winded. Economy of words is not my string suit. To Dr. Bob, I hope this doesn't compromise the forum category....
Take care everyone,
Reggie BoStar
Posted by LJRen on December 12, 2006, at 23:50:40
In reply to Thread for people with no relationships for life?, posted by Reggie BoStar on December 10, 2006, at 18:28:28
Well Reggie, I can't say that I've chosen the road to go it alone. Thus far, it's kinda chosen me. I've been single for 12 years since I graduated college. I've dated a little here & there, but have never had the opportunity for a serious relationship to develop. For whatever reason, I am always left before that could happen.
But a couple of years ago an ex re-entered my life out of the blue. We didn't get back together but he proved himself to be a true friend (driving out of state to help me move, to do a brake job on my vehicle, etc). Needless to say, I fell again despite his admitted lack of love for me. And yes, my determination to salvage this relationship has been beyond belief. However, recently I guess he has gone through some personal crisis or something and in the process has virutally cut me out of his life. And he did this just after I moved w/n an hour's drive of him. Between his disappearance, and a few other very stressful events after my move, I crashed hard. Despression is a bitch, needless to say. I've somewhat recoved from the other events but things haven't changed between us and it's practically killing me. Plus I just learned he's been seeing or at least hanging out with other women in his area. So currently, I'm cursing the Gods for bringing him back into my life. Before 2 years ago he wasn't a part of it at all & couldn't hurt me one bit. Now he's breaking my heart more than he ever has. If I could rewrite history and take back the steps that led us to reunite 2 years ago, I would.
So now, after suffering yet another traumatic broken heart, I have absolutely no desire to even attempt to find someone else. A person can only take so much pain in one life time and at 36 I've already had more than my fair share. Loneliness is pretty crappy, but it doesn't compare to the depth of misery I'm experiencing right now. So, I'm done. I'm not giving anyone else the chance to hurt me again.
That's my 2 cents.
Ren
Posted by ClearSkies on December 15, 2006, at 0:35:33
In reply to Thread for people with no relationships for life?, posted by Reggie BoStar on December 10, 2006, at 18:28:28
This Relationships board gets too quiet, and I think that your thread would probably get some good responses. I will post a link to it on the Social board and we'll see what shakes out, OK?
ClearSkies
Posted by fayeroe on December 15, 2006, at 8:03:21
In reply to Re: Thread for people with no relationships for li » Reggie BoStar, posted by LJRen on December 12, 2006, at 23:50:40
i'm sorry for the pain that you're going through right now. divorce/alienation isn't like death. when they're dead.....they're gone. when they have hurt you and left you, you still have to deal with them being out there breathing and living and so on and so forth...........take good care of yourself, pat
Posted by Phillipa on December 15, 2006, at 14:09:45
In reply to Re: Thread for people with no relationships for li, posted by fayeroe on December 15, 2006, at 8:03:21
I'm thankful for my husband although we don't always agree. He does try and help me. I'm sorry for your lonliness but when depressed or anxious how many others. really want to be with us? Love Phillipa
Posted by Reggie BoStar on December 15, 2006, at 17:57:54
In reply to Thread for people with no relationships for life?, posted by Reggie BoStar on December 10, 2006, at 18:28:28
Hi Everyone,
Thanks for your kind messages of support.Actually, though, I think I probably didn't express myself very well in that first posting. My intent was to get responses from other people like myself who have decided to be alone for one reason or another - and who have adapted to being that way after many years.
Certainly there was the kind of pain described in the other postings during the first few years of solitude. In fact, it was not unlike what LJRen is going through right now.
But over the years that pain gradually fades, while the interest in being in relationships also fades. Eventually I passed a "break even" point, where I began to feel as though I was better off than many people in relationships.
It's not easy sometimes, certainly. But that's just life. From my vantage point I see people in relationships as having as many problems as individuals as I do, plus all the added emotional baggage of being in a relationship. Everyone I know in relationships seems to have incredible issues that I have no interest in having; and to me, all of the benefits of being in a relationship are not nearly enough to compensate for the inherent problems.
So, I wanted to hear from people like me: well past all the pains of seperation, and finally at a point in their lives where they genuinely feel more comfortable than they ever could in a relationship. I wanted to swap stories of how we cultivate friendships, get along with people in our families, and deal with the stigma of not being in a relationship.
In my case, for example, a lot of people assume that because I have no relationships, I must be gay. This of course is flat-out wrong. Other people automatically assume that they know what is good for me, and try to impose a more social life on me than I want.
THESE are the issues I wanted to discuss, but didn't phrase very well in my first message. How do other people like me manage what associations they do have, and how do they handle intrusive and/or uninformed people?
LJRen, this is definitely NOT advice to hang it all up and be alone. In fact I would never advise anyone to do anything with relationships one way or the other. Each to his/her own is my attitude. And I certainly don't mean to imply that all relationships are bad for all people. That's not my place. It's just that for some people, me included, they ARE bad and just not the way to go.
So, thanks again for all your kind posts and sorry if I led you astray with that first posting.
Take care,
Reggie BoStar
Posted by madeline on December 15, 2006, at 18:01:42
In reply to Thread for people with no relationships for life?, posted by Reggie BoStar on December 10, 2006, at 18:28:28
You know this is a really interesting question.
I won't say that I have necessarily consciously chosen to be without a significant relationship, but some of my actions would strongly suggest that I have unconsciously done so.
Frankly, I get lonely only very rarely. I feel very safe in my house, and I doubt I would feel that kind of security if someone else were here.
I guess I've just never been a "hey let's get together and date" kind of chic - although I have certainly dated and have dumped and been dumped myself.
I have a really full life that I must admit I truly truly love. I ride horses, I play with tigers, I teach, I work, I write. Whenever I can, however, I like to just lie around. I have pets. I like peace and quiet.
For me, there really hasn't been a question of how I manage being alone - it's SOP for me. It's more like a question of "how to manage when someone else is there".
I don't have to answer to anybody for what I do, and I don't have to make allowances for other people. It may sound selfish, but I REALLY like that.
The only thing that bugs me is the expectation people have that we are supposed to be with someone. I simply can not understand why people think that (and I don't want to debate it here). Everyone is different.
Maddie
Posted by Reggie BoStar on December 15, 2006, at 19:27:02
In reply to Re: Thread for people with no relationships for life? » Reggie BoStar, posted by ClearSkies on December 15, 2006, at 0:35:33
Hi Clearskies,
Yes, thanks for the cross-post. I hadn't thought of that. Maybe I should post both of my messages over there too? I'm not sure if Dr Bob has cross-posting rules when it comes to copying messages too.I'll give it a try and see what happens.
Posted by Reggie BoStar on December 15, 2006, at 19:47:36
In reply to Re: Thread for people with no relationships for life? » Reggie BoStar, posted by madeline on December 15, 2006, at 18:01:42
Hi Madeline,
Good to hear from you. Yes, that's exactly the kind of message I was looking for.I don't think you're selfish at all. As you said, it just happens to be SOP for you and it works.
I try to do the same things with activities to fill my life. I have a few really smart cats who are more than enough company around here. You're right about that feeling of "security" and how it is compromised when someone else is around. Even when my parents are staying overnight for a visit, I feel uncomfortable because is some ways it interferes with normal life. Of course I love them very much, but this is one of those family relationships where we all prefer to live apart and just visit occasionally. It works for us.
My other hobbies are genealogy and managing a related website (which all by itself can occupy a lifetime!) and computer audio/video (making home-recorded DVD's, etc). Walking is my primary recreation - this is a great area for that. A disability keeps me from doing much more than that physically and mentally, but I own and live in a duplex so the rental income helps with the housing expenses. Because I can't work very well, I just hire all the duplex maintenance out and pay the contractors with the rental income. It just makes ends meet, which is all I want to do.
Like relationships, I had my flings with being "upwardly mobile" too, and I can do without it. If fact, being "upwardly" is what put me out of action when it comes to employment.
One of your activities flew off the page at me: "play with tigers".
Are these the real ones, you know, the Bengal types that play with their human prey like cats play with mice before finally devouring them?
Just curious!
Seriously, it was great to hear from you, Madeline, and especially to hear how you manage your life. As far as people who think you should be in a relationship are concerned, I'm unfortunately finding out the hard way that the only way to deal with them is to try to ignore them.
Anal retentives never change. It's their life. The best we can do is continue "our live and let live" philosophy and try to keep the meddlers at bay.
Take care and have a great holiday season (and say a cautious "Hi" to those tigers for me),
Reggis BoStar
Posted by madeline on December 15, 2006, at 19:51:21
In reply to Re: Thread for people with no relationships ALL, posted by Reggie BoStar on December 15, 2006, at 17:57:54
A couple of other things to more directly address some of your interests.
Just about everyone in my family thinks I am a lesbian because I am in my 30's, well educated and single. My father, I think, is the most stunned by me and constantly says that "women are only truly happy when they have a husband and children" - the irony is that MY mom used to sit and hold a gun to her head when I was a kid. She was very happy - obviously.
It used to really bug me, but it doesn't anymore. The happier I got with my life, the less their opinion meant to me. He is a dinosaur from an age long long ago. I love him, but don't see him much.
I will admit that I have a lot of casual friends, but none that I am overly close to, or desire to become closer with. I don't call them to go do something, or just to talk. If I get an invitation to go somewhere, if it sounds fun, then I'll go. I usually have a good time, but I'm not a super social type person. I would never do something just to be around people. That's sounds like torture to me.
Some of the people I know are constantly trying to fix me up with people, which I find exceedingly annoying. There is only so many ways one can say "Thank-you, but I'm really not interesting in dating right now."
I once asked a very intrusive lady how she would feel if I kept trying to get her to divorce her husband because I was so happy as a single person.
Things like this are tough. I simply don't have a problem with the way they live, why do they care about the way I live?
Posted by Phillipa on December 15, 2006, at 22:20:34
In reply to Re: Thread for people with no relationships ALL » Reggie BoStar, posted by madeline on December 15, 2006, at 19:51:21
Maddie my 32year old Daughter just got a divorce after only a year but always lived with a guy. She dated like crazy for around 6 months. Now she says she's happy by herself . And people insinuate you're a lesbian cause you want to be by yourself? That's ridiculous. I was quite happy living by myself after failed marriages. Then met current hubby and thyroid went and the p problems. But I liked not having to discuss something with someone else and making my own decisions. Love Phillipa
Posted by Declan on December 16, 2006, at 0:35:15
In reply to Re: Thread for people with no relationships ALL, posted by Reggie BoStar on December 15, 2006, at 17:57:54
It may be human to stumble into a relationship with the first available person who comes along.
Much as I detest (why?) the codependant thing (probably easy for me to detest anything), if I had my time over again I would avoid relationships as such and aim for friendships, sex and freedom.
What is a relationship anyway? An acceptance of what?
Posted by Reggie BoStar on December 17, 2006, at 18:00:21
In reply to Re: Thread for people with no relationships ALL, posted by Declan on December 16, 2006, at 0:35:15
Hi Declan,
Unfortunately, sex has never been an option I can count on. To couch it in modern terms, I was never a "babe magnet" either in looks or personality.However, I could get along with friendships and freedom for a while. Then BiPolar II sidelined me, so I mainly have to settle for freedom these days.
By this time, though, I've developed good ways to keep myself occupied. Together with the Internet, satellite TV and radio, I wonder whether it's actually possible to be truly alone these days.
Well, that's an issue for the media philosophers like Marshal McLuhan. Right now I just live this way because it works well for me.
Reggie BoStar
Posted by elanor roosevelt on December 20, 2006, at 20:51:37
In reply to Re: Thread for people with no relationships ALL » Declan, posted by Reggie BoStar on December 17, 2006, at 18:00:21
i don't know if i can do the romance thing again
too much
i think for people who have brain chemistry chaos it is more difficult
the world looks at us as f*cked up
but realy we have identified some of our challenges and strive to deal with them when so much of the population walks around thinking they are emotionally healthy
i have spent the last few years looking for a lover and not romance.
sex and a movie
dinner and sex
i have found a pilot who comes to town 5-6 times a month
we like each other just fine
our lives only intertwine on contact and with an occasional email
i have many friends and a lovely daughter and many things i love to do
we can't base our relationships on the expectations of friends, family, and society-at-large
Posted by Reggie BoStar on December 22, 2006, at 23:09:36
In reply to Re: Thread for people with no relationships ALL, posted by elanor roosevelt on December 20, 2006, at 20:51:37
Hi Elanor,
If that works for you, then go for it and consider yourself very fortunate.As I said in my first posting, it's not my place to trash relationships and the people who like them, no matter what sort of relationship it is. As long as it works and gives you what you need, go for it.
Best wishes,
Reggie BoStar
Posted by alesta on December 26, 2006, at 10:02:25
In reply to Thread for people with no relationships for life?, posted by Reggie BoStar on December 10, 2006, at 18:28:28
You've got to be kidding me...i just deleted my response to you accidentally...arhgh!! welll...let me just say that:
This is a *very* complicated topic for which i have no clear answers, but which i have contemplated myself..nice to know someone else has thought of this topic in the same way i have!! It can be very hard for some of us to determine which will lead to greater happiness...anyway I really appreciate this post. you are very strong and smart, Reggie...I feel like there's a like mind out there right now...you think like me, man!!!:-)
Take care...sorry i can't give you any answers..
Amy
Posted by Sebastian on March 28, 2007, at 18:55:02
In reply to Re: Thread for people with no relationships ALL, posted by Reggie BoStar on December 15, 2006, at 17:57:54
I decided to be alone, not realy a decision, just happened that way. When I was 19 there was a terable accident, they blamed me, and I was alienated. Well I left. Didn't realy make any new freinds, was a loner. Kept a lot to myself.
So now I just stay inside.
Posted by Sebastian on March 28, 2007, at 20:59:24
In reply to Re: Thread for people with no relationships ALL, posted by Sebastian on March 28, 2007, at 18:55:02
I hate to say I'm sorry, but yes, I do have freinds, I just don't realize it. Like all the people on psyco babble. I did cut myself off from people some after that incident. And I have alienated myself some. But yes I do have many new freinds.
Sorry for the confusion.
I was labbled as a loner in college by a chic. Didn't have many freinds. Freinds with all the teachers though. Should say very good freinds.
Ivan
Posted by Enigma on August 15, 2007, at 10:47:29
In reply to Thread for people with no relationships for life?, posted by Reggie BoStar on December 10, 2006, at 18:28:28
> I haven't had a relationship since the last one ended in total emotional disaster in 1983. At first I found it impossible to go near anyone no matter how hard I tried, then in later years I just stopped trying.
Well, I have severe depression, but luckily for me, I've found a wife willing to stick it out with me. We've been together for 20 years, married for 12, and have 3 kids now. But, I've only been severely depressed for the last 3 years or so.
I know without her and the kids, I'd be long gone. There's just no way I could deal with it. I'm very social, am usually the life of the party, and love to make people laugh.
My problem is that I have no good friends. I have a few people that if I keep contacting them over and over again, I might garner one night out of drinking over the course of 2 weeks to a month. These people let me down SO many times that I only tried to stay in contact with them because I was so sickeningly lonely, even with my family around.
I got sick of their BS, so I tried what I call, "The friendship test". I intentionally broke off all communication with these clowns and guess what happened? They ALL failed. Not a single one, over the course of many months now, has contacted me in any way, no phone, no text message, no email.
They ALL work at my old job (which I got kicked out of, for health reasons), and we *used* to see each-other all the time, go out to lunch together as a group just about every day, and had lots of during work and after work bar-outings.
I'm so upset over the situation, it's insane. I can't go out alone, as it just makes me more depressed, and the whole point of going out was to talk, laugh, tell stories, and drink, usually.
I'm upset that I have no other guys to hang out with anymore, and upset how they all abandoned me, especially when they all knew how sick I was.
Anyway, I know you are talking about romantic relationships, I think, but I thought I'd chime this in anyway. Was gonna start a new thread, until I saw yours. Maybe I'll make a new one anyway.
Posted by DharmaBum on September 22, 2007, at 22:42:50
In reply to Thread for people with no relationships for life?, posted by Reggie BoStar on December 10, 2006, at 18:28:28
At age 53, I never married and have not been in a relationship for about 12 years. I date once in a great while but there have been no sparks to date.
I never had much of a "nesting drive," wanting to have kids, etc. If I found someone really interesting to whom I was attracted and who was attracted to me... well, ya never know. It's a lovely idea.
There are pros and cons to being in or out of a relationship. Once in a while I acutely miss intimacy but never do I miss the BS that seems to be part of most couplings.
Posted by Phillipa on September 22, 2007, at 23:56:18
In reply to Thread for people with no relationships for life?, posted by Reggie BoStar on December 10, 2006, at 18:28:28
I see I was on this thread in December of last year and my how things have changed. My husband no longer wants a woman who is sick. And before I married him I lived alone and did love doing what I wanted and when I wanted and spending my money the way I wanted. Well now that I am sick and gotten old I'm plumb out of luck and am stuck no matter what as I'm now not working stupid thyroid and anxiety/depression messed up my independance and now the relationship has become controling no way out for me. I'd rather sleep. Phillipa
Posted by maree on May 14, 2008, at 6:03:43
In reply to Re: Thread for people with no relationships for life?, posted by Phillipa on September 22, 2007, at 23:56:18
OK Phillipa, you have had A LOT of bad luck, BUT, it was not caused by your relationship, it was caused by your ill health. If you were still living alone, you would still have a thyroid problem, and be unemployed, and, I do not know what your hobbies were, but it is possible with the fatigue and weakness caused by the thyroid, you would not be able to do those things, either, so not only would you be in a similar situation, BUT you would also be alone a lot; even just a warm body around the house who does not speak can give you company. As well, you would lose the respect of society in general since you would be a lonely single, and I can tell you that puts you right at the bottom of the social ladder. You are looking at your YOUTH through rose coloured glasses. Our health has a MAJOR impact on our happiness, and living alone is the last complete segment of your life when you can remember that you were healthy and happy, AND, remember, the last few months of your singledom were made happier with the knowledge that you were about to be married.. Your thoughts of your marriage have been coloured by your ill health, so, marriage, by itself does not give you happiness, in retrospect.
And, yes, I do know what you are going through, I was living with the man of my dreams when I was permanently disabled by a stroke, I have often wondered whether I would not be better off living in my own home (which I have still l retained), and not having to put up with his nastiness, and disappointment at having a social reject as his partner, not to mention MY guilt at the knowledge that I am ruining his life. I have wondered about this, but, then, I realised how much the last 12 years have impacted badly on the happiness that I once found with my partner.
Posted by Phillipa on May 14, 2008, at 20:09:57
In reply to Re:people with no relationship » Phillipa, posted by maree on May 14, 2008, at 6:03:43
Umm an old thread but I wasn't going to marry him when moved in with him it was to be a temporary pit stop on my way to Florida to live near oldest Daughter. So he had nothing to do with my happiness at living alone I loved my independance. Love Phiilipa ps sorry about your stroke but I still ride 7=8 miles every day on my bike outside.
This is the end of the thread.
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