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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by karen_kay on June 16, 2008, at 13:48:33
unfortunetly i'm lazy
Posted by nomadjones on June 16, 2008, at 15:02:11
In reply to marriage is hard work, posted by karen_kay on June 16, 2008, at 13:48:33
I'm finding it hard to work through my "personal" problems simultaneously with my "relationship" problems. To a large degree, my personal problems cause the relationship problems (and sometimes the reverse is true), but it's a struggle to be better to myself while being better to those around me, including my wife.
Posted by fleeting flutterby on June 16, 2008, at 16:09:30
In reply to marriage is hard work, posted by karen_kay on June 16, 2008, at 13:48:33
Marriage is hard work, I agree and not for the faint of heart.
I'm finding-- with help from a therapist -- that communication is so so important. I imagine you're all thinking-- "no duh!"-- but here all along I did think I was communicating -- turns out what I thought was full communication wasn't really all that full. I'm learning now just what to communicate and how to communicate better. It's hard but I'm working on it. This communication thing can really be amazing!
flutterby
Posted by karen_kay on June 16, 2008, at 20:51:28
In reply to Re: marriage is hard work, posted by nomadjones on June 16, 2008, at 15:02:11
you know, i'm always looking... :)
oh, i'm jsut kidding (or am i?)
i think my biggest problem is i expect everyone to read my mind. i don't say 'i'm depressed', at best i'll say 'i'm not feeling well' and figure he'll get the hint, even when i'm having suicidal thoughts, you know? i don't know why it's so hard for me to talk (especially when i can go on and on about the stupidest of things for hours nad hours) about important stuff, but i jsut can't. maybe years of invalidation?
there i go again, blaiming childhood issues. i thought i was over all of that. i am 1000 years old, you know?
i kinda just figure he picks up on the hints (not moving from the couch, hygeine issues (wait, i shouldn't mention that one, i'm trying to hit on you), ect.
i forgot where i was goig with this anyway. oh yeah, wanna get married?
Posted by karen_kay on June 16, 2008, at 20:55:47
In reply to Re: marriage is hard work, posted by fleeting flutterby on June 16, 2008, at 16:09:30
and something i'm jsut not good at. i expect him to ask me 5 times 'what's wrong?' then i'll wait awhile and expect him to ask again. and again. and again. it's like i figure if only he'd have asked just one more time, i'd talk to him, but he never asks enough.
i think i'm jsut weird. no, i know i'm weird, but i'm glorious too :) i'm just no good at relationships.
Posted by nomadjones on June 17, 2008, at 14:50:40
In reply to you're male? » nomadjones, posted by karen_kay on June 16, 2008, at 20:51:28
Thanks for the offer, but I'm having enough problems with one wife! :)
I think it's hard to tell someone close to you that you're feeling down, anxious, etc. I want to appear to be confident and not just holding it together. Maybe it's a male macho thing (yes, I'm a guy) to some extent - I'd like to be the "in control" hero to her that I'm not.
Plus, there have been enough times lately when I've said that I'm down/worried and been told "you're always down/worried" that I'm hesitant to open up. Further, I'm occasionally told lately that I'm a "downer" (glum, flat), so I've been trying (not very successfully) to hide my depression/anxiety. I may have gone to the sympathy/empathy well too many times and don't have enough relationship capital built up (too much negativity on my part) to draw on, so I have to be "perfect" now (not possible in the long run).
It's good that your husband is asking what's wrong - take him up on the offer some times and see if it helps. I miss the days when my wife was genuinely trying to help rather than just being fed up. Maybe couples therapy could help you.
Frankly, I feel like I don't know what the "rules" are and I can't find a rule book (I was hoping that couples therapy [initiated by me] might do it, but we're several sessions in and there's no magic bullet yet). Im reading some stuff by John Gottmann on marriage ("7 Principles") that makes sense. I'm just stumbling around trying to do the right things, but end up triggering fights or disputes or criticisms anyway. I come across as very tense in the relationship partly because I'm trying to carefully choose my words and actions and partly because I'm hypersensitive to criticism.
Often I get defensive when things come up, which just makes it all worse (see my post above). Plus, even if I'm depressed/anxious/defensive and it's mostly my fault, I can't believe that it's completely my problem that there are relationship issues - she's fed up enough with me and my role that we don't talk about her role.
Incidentally, I think childhood stuff does play a very important part (at least with our susceptible depressed/anxious "peer group"), so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself if you're not "over it" with regard to childhood stuff.
I feel that if I won the lottery, I'd be able to devote enough attention to both heal myself and my relationship. As it is, I'm just keeping my head above water with the daily grind (including an extremely stressful job as sole breadwinner). Maybe I need to grow up and stop thinking of the ideal me, the ideal relationship, and the ideal career.
Sorry to ramble and hijack your thread. Love to hear any suggestions/encouragement from people who've been there. Any recommended books fleeting-flutterby on communications?
Anyway, best of luck charting a course through your relationship, and if he asks, take advantage of the opening to tell him how you feel (even if it's just to say you feel uncomfortable talking about it).
-Nomad
Posted by fleeting flutterby on June 18, 2008, at 13:57:55
In reply to communication is hard work! » fleeting flutterby, posted by karen_kay on June 16, 2008, at 20:55:47
> and something i'm jsut not good at. i expect him to ask me 5 times 'what's wrong?' then i'll wait awhile and expect him to ask again. and again. and again. it's like i figure if only he'd have asked just one more time, i'd talk to him, but he never asks enough.
>
> i think i'm jsut weird. no, i know i'm weird, but i'm glorious too :) i'm just no good at relationships.<<How about this....... (it's what I've tried very hard at doing-- with some recent success) Convince yourself that you're going to tell your husband what is wrong, the VERY FIRST time he asks..... it feels odd when you do this, being used to making the partner fish and fish-- but really it's a time saver and I think partner's patience level stays more in check.
With all due respect to all us women--- I think it's a game women play with men to see if their man really cares. testing to see how long they can stay focused on us while we keep them in the dark.....
dialog--husband "Is something wrong?"... wife- "No"..... "I can tell something is wrong, what is it?".... wife-- "nothing"..... "Come on, what's wrong?"....... wife--- "nothing, I don't want to talk"......... as she secretly hopes that husband will say some magic word so she can open up to him..... and husband feels he will be prying too much so he drops the subject.... to which wife feels rejected and un-cared for..... and husband is further in the dog house and confused! ;o)
It's quite the "gender dance". :o)
However, there are times when we really don't have the words to express what is wrong-- this is a different story then. I struggle with this quite a bit. I was denied feelings growing up and invalidated, so it's foreign and scary sometimes to express what I feel -- but with help it is improving too.
best to all
flutterby- mandy
Posted by fleeting flutterby on June 18, 2008, at 14:10:46
In reply to Re: you're male?, posted by nomadjones on June 17, 2008, at 14:50:40
>
>> Frankly, I feel like I don't know what the "rules" are and I can't find a rule book (I was hoping that couples therapy [initiated by me] might do it, but we're several sessions in and there's no magic bullet yet). Im reading some stuff by John Gottmann on marriage ("7 Principles") that makes sense. I'm just stumbling around trying to do the right things, but end up triggering fights or disputes or criticisms anyway. I come across as very tense in the relationship partly because I'm trying to carefully choose my words and actions and partly because I'm hypersensitive to criticism.<<Gee-- It sounds to me like you are making a lot of effort with your relationship. I commend you on that! <3 --> that's a heart- sideways. I understand it's hard being hypersensitive to criticism-- I'm like that too and seem to never be good enough for husband. :o(
>
>> Often I get defensive when things come up, which just makes it all worse (see my post above). Plus, even if I'm depressed/anxious/defensive and it's mostly my fault, I can't believe that it's completely my problem that there are relationship issues - she's fed up enough with me and my role that we don't talk about her role.<<hmmmmm... I would think her not wanting to look at her role in things can make your efforts so very difficult-- I hope between you and the therapy she will soon open up to look at her own pluses and minuses in the relationship. There are always two sides.
>
>
>>Love to hear any suggestions/encouragement from people who've been there. Any recommended books fleeting-flutterby on communications?<<Well, wish I could recommend some books-- but, I'm not much for reading self-help books. I read a lot but they are all novels. Sorry I couldn't help you..... :o(
best to you
flutterby-mandy
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