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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Walnut on July 28, 2008, at 17:58:56
Last year, someone posted on neediness. I felt that the responses were great: especially those that concluded that the best way to deal with a relationship terminated because of someone's presumed neediness was to find out how much of your neediness is changeable, and how much of your neediness in that relationship just means you are better suited for someone else.
But could it be that people use the term "needy" as an inflated insult? i tapped on a new boyfriend's shoulder while i was asleep in the night. I did not know I was doing this. (i have recently lost my father, and perhaps I was naturally poking for affection). I felt embarrassed to have woken him up so many times, and eventually went to sleep on the couch. In the morning he referred to me as "needy", as well as passive-aggressive" (for what, i am not clear)-- i somehow interfered with his plans for himself that day. I apologized but felt unduly insulted. Was it because I wanted to go for coffee with him before I left for a few weeks, and he wanted to sleep until 10 before writing his magnum opus? Was it because I was not as hip and aloof as he would have liked and he just couldn't find a better way to say it? I just swallowed it and have begun to lament the loss of a relationship I had become excited about. I am not sure what the answers were. I am sure that I am partly to blame, but I am just not sure how, or how I could have avoided the scenario. I was aloof in a past relationship and ended up regretting it. If I express excitement or a small amount of vulnerability, why should that be perceived as neediness? I do not want to play games.
It seems to me that sometimes that the criticism of "needy" is also used when the person really just feels uncomfortable with commitment and/or the relationship and they don't have the guts to say it, and other times there is a real issue there. If I am needy, I want to understand it- but if i was not- I want to be able to re-evalute the relationship! How can you tell if it is the former, or if it's the later?
Posted by fleeting flutterby on July 29, 2008, at 9:56:46
In reply to 'needy' and 'neediness' in relationships, posted by Walnut on July 28, 2008, at 17:58:56
> Last year, someone posted on neediness. I felt that the responses were great: especially those that concluded that the best way to deal with a relationship terminated because of someone's presumed neediness was to find out how much of your neediness is changeable, and how much of your neediness in that relationship just means you are better suited for someone else.
> But could it be that people use the term "needy" as an inflated insult? i tapped on a new boyfriend's shoulder while i was asleep in the night. I did not know I was doing this. (i have recently lost my father, and perhaps I was naturally poking for affection). I felt embarrassed to have woken him up so many times, and eventually went to sleep on the couch. In the morning he referred to me as "needy", as well as passive-aggressive" (for what, i am not clear)-- i somehow interfered with his plans for himself that day. I apologized but felt unduly insulted. Was it because I wanted to go for coffee with him before I left for a few weeks, and he wanted to sleep until 10 before writing his magnum opus? Was it because I was not as hip and aloof as he would have liked and he just couldn't find a better way to say it? I just swallowed it and have begun to lament the loss of a relationship I had become excited about. I am not sure what the answers were. I am sure that I am partly to blame, but I am just not sure how, or how I could have avoided the scenario. I was aloof in a past relationship and ended up regretting it. If I express excitement or a small amount of vulnerability, why should that be perceived as neediness? I do not want to play games.
> It seems to me that sometimes that the criticism of "needy" is also used when the person really just feels uncomfortable with commitment and/or the relationship and they don't have the guts to say it, and other times there is a real issue there. If I am needy, I want to understand it- but if i was not- I want to be able to re-evalute the relationship! How can you tell if it is the former, or if it's the later?<<----Well from what you wrote here, it sure didn't sound like you were being needy. (IMO) although one should look at the "big" picture to really be able to tell-- more than one situation, like a few months worth of situtations.
You mentioned the loss of your dad, people deal with loss in different ways-- some deal with it for a few days- they are upset and need some care but then move on ; while others may be upset for months and months and need extra care until they are ready to move on.
Maybe that was the case in this situation? perhaps your boyfriend was of the kind that moves on quickly and you aren't. So, in that case you weren't being needy nor was he not wanting a committment-- you just have differing ways of understanding/dealing with grief/loss.
Relationships can be so confusing and complicated--- I think one thing to always consider is the "big" picture and not just each single situation separately.... at least that helps me in some relationships.Hope I've not confused you more! sorry it took a bit to answer-- I had to figure out how to put into words the ideas that were in my mind......
flutterby-mandy
Posted by Walnut on July 29, 2008, at 11:17:24
In reply to Re: 'needy' and 'neediness' in relationships, posted by fleeting flutterby on July 29, 2008, at 9:56:46
Thank you so much. That was eloquently written, actually. Perhaps I overly- judged the isolated incident and didn't think that maybe he experiences grief and even relationships differently. Still, i think i best work through my grief first before getting into the relationship. It would be very hard to feel misunderstood during this time in my life.
Posted by fleeting flutterby on July 31, 2008, at 13:18:05
In reply to Re: 'needy' and 'neediness' in relationships, posted by Walnut on July 29, 2008, at 11:17:24
> Thank you so much. That was eloquently written, actually.<<
----You're welcome. :o) and gosh! thank you for the nice compliment. I can't believe I was understood and that I didn't confuse you!! maybe there is something to learning to communicate first on internet forums....... You made my day! :o) (I've been working hard in therapy- learning to communicate .... probably sounds silly to most but I don't think I ever learned.... hardly talked at all when I was a child.... isolated myself from about everyone.... no friends.... was alone a lot.)
>> Perhaps I overly- judged the isolated incident and didn't think that maybe he experiences grief and even relationships differently. Still, i think i best work through my grief first before getting into the relationship. It would be very hard to feel misunderstood during this time in my life.<<
----- I agree, it would be hard to feel misunderstood when one is so vulnerable. (BTW- sorry about the loss of your father.-- I've lost my dad too) I wish you the best and hope to "see" you around here. :o)
flutterby-mandy
This is the end of the thread.
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