![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by PhoenixGirl on July 16, 2007, at 21:57:53
I'm 29, and I met a 57-year-old married man through work. Over several months, we have fallen in love with each other. All we can think about is each other, and we email and talk on the phone every day. Then suddenly two weeks ago, I lost my job and had to move out of state to live with my parents while I'm looking for another job. He has been married since he was 20 years old and hasn't loved his wife for a long time. He did have a sexual affair about 6 years ago, but other than that, he's only been with his wife.
The obstacles to us being together are obvious. If he were younger, there would be no question that we would be together.
But neither of us can deny that we are in head-over-heels in love with each other. The love has really intensified in the past few weeks. He wants to leave his wife and have me move in with him, and I would but I don't know what would happen with his wife. She has a job, but I can't guarantee that I'm ready to marry a man who is twice my age, even though I love him more than I've loved anyone. In fact, this is the first time I've been in love. I want him to be in my life forever.
Please, someone, give me some advice.
Posted by fayeroe on July 19, 2007, at 19:49:59
In reply to HELP, a married man and I have fallen in love, posted by PhoenixGirl on July 16, 2007, at 21:57:53
hi,you're talking about almost a 30 year difference between you and your new love.
here is my take on his "not loving his wife for a very long time" and "his 6 year ago affair" being the only time he's strayed. B>S>
a cheater usually remains a cheater. i'd get free and hope to meet an unmarried man my age......good luck.....faye
Posted by PhoenixGirl on July 20, 2007, at 13:50:07
In reply to Re: HELP, a married man and I have fallen in love » PhoenixGirl, posted by fayeroe on July 19, 2007, at 19:49:59
You're probably right. My feelings have cooled, I think I needed someone because I just lost my job. I want to be friends with him, but I know we won't be together as a couple. I need to figure out a way to tell him and keep his friendship.
Posted by fayeroe on July 24, 2007, at 21:03:20
In reply to Re: HELP, a married man and I have fallen in love, posted by PhoenixGirl on July 20, 2007, at 13:50:07
> You're probably right. My feelings have cooled, I think I needed someone because I just lost my job. I want to be friends with him, but I know we won't be together as a couple. I need to figure out a way to tell him and keep his friendship.
i think if you just tell him and wait for a response, you'll know immediately if he will want to be friends. good luck, fayeroe
Posted by Supersonic Overdrive on February 10, 2008, at 0:58:55
In reply to HELP, a married man and I have fallen in love, posted by PhoenixGirl on July 16, 2007, at 21:57:53
when you say several months..what exactly do you mean?[if you dont mind me asking.. if you do end up with him..remember to be kind and considerate to all who are nvolved.=] why dont you want to marry a man twice your age? what is bothering you about it,if anything? now ask yourself..what is it that you want?? and what is it that you need? you dont have to reply to any of me questions if you are uncomfortable. i have a somewhat intense psychic ability..so if you really want some kind of help..its better with as much input you can give to me. do you love him...or are you in love with him?? or both?? or just..?? ..ask yourself. i believe there is a strong difference. you dont have to answer if you dont wish to..
Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 9, 2008, at 10:03:30
In reply to HELP, a married man and I have fallen in love, posted by PhoenixGirl on July 16, 2007, at 21:57:53
You may see him as a father figure.......I would get into therapy before ever getting married to someone with big of an age difference.
you don't know anything about his wife or married life; usually as someone else said, once a cheater, always a cheater........
Posted by susid on December 28, 2008, at 1:57:22
In reply to Re: HELP, a married man and I have fallen in love, posted by sassyfrancesca on May 9, 2008, at 10:03:30
I think most of the answers to this question show a lack of maturity or understanding about one of the most complex things as humans we are ever faced with - relationships. I can only relate my own experience.
I was the guy in a situation where I was married but was in love and loved by a girl 20 years younger than me.
We both did not want to hurt anyone but we were both very much genuinely in love - she did not see me as a sugar daddy
or father replacement and I did not see her as some young chick to have some sexual fun with -or someone for me to cheat
with.My relationship with my wife had changed gradually over time in a negative way - we had been married 18 years and people change - we changed, both of us and were no longer were compatible in our feelings for each other.
I met a lovely girl and we fell in love and found that despite our age differences we were compatible - I was very worried that she would feel the age difference was to much or that I was married to complicated - but that was not the case.
Her friends had concerns until they met me and observed us together and they also agreed we were good for each other.People cannot help how they feel about each other - love is one of the most powerful forces there is. As one post mentioned
you have to talk to your partner and think about what do you really want - how do you both genuinely feel about each other.Comments like "once a cheater always a cheater" are not helpful - and are saying once someone fall in love and marries someone they cannot ever have there feeling change and should be incapable of loving someone else?
In my own case she was 19 when I met her and we fell in love when she was 20 - we were together for 3 years but it
was a long distance relationship and because of this and other pressures it did not last but we remain to this day the best of friends.
Posted by PhoenixGirl on December 28, 2008, at 9:04:08
In reply to Re: HELP, a married man and I have fallen in love, posted by susid on December 28, 2008, at 1:57:22
I totally got over the "love" thing with the married guy. Now I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Thank god I snapped out of that. I think I was vulnerable and wanted someone to take care of me. I had no job and was ill. Now I'm better and I have a job.
Posted by fayeroe on December 28, 2008, at 10:56:25
In reply to Update, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 28, 2008, at 9:04:08
> I totally got over the "love" thing with the married guy. Now I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Thank god I snapped out of that. I think I was vulnerable and wanted someone to take care of me. I had no job and was ill. Now I'm better and I have a job.
Sometimes when something out of the ordinary happens to us, we learn quite a bit about ourselves and others. I bet that you're more at ease with yourself now and others. You made a very mature decision and with some going inward, you are happy and safe now. (safe means within your skin)Also, there aren't a whole lot of people who haven't had something like this happen in their lives. Even my 80 year old sister was feeling very neglected by her husband and she thought that she had "lost" the ability to be attractive all men. She "flirted" a bit with another man and quickly decided that "I've still got it and I better get the hell out of dodge!"..(she actually wouldn't say "hell out of dodge", that was my take on it.) :-) I've certainly had my share of those moments. (with younger men) :-0 Pat
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Relationships | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.