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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mark on September 18, 2000, at 17:29:45
Through no fault of my own I've lost my second job this year. Ok, so the first one was my fault because my boss asked me to do something I wasn't hired or qualified to do and I said no. I made it clear on my interview that I
didn't want to do this particular work and my boss said "This is your new job" and I said "Nope". Well, I guess I was qualified to do the work (I've done it for 15 years), but I spent years (YEARS!) going to school to learn something new. So now I'm supposed to go and do
what I don't want to do anymore? I don't think so.This last job was ok, but it was for a small company. I
was hired on with the expectation that the company would
grow faster than it did and my position would be in
demand. Well, you can guess the rest. Everyone was really cool and at the 12th hour my bosses boss was on
the phone to HR trying to find me a place. That felt
pretty good. But, the bottom line is there was no place
and I am among the unemployed - again.I started drinking again. Which I'm not too proud of. I
spouted off to Lisa Simpson about the power of the
BEAST and he's got me by the cajones. My SO says it's
because of the stress and my SO rarely drinks and is
so al-anon it's scary. Still it weighs heavy on my
frazzled mind.I'm still on 75mg/day of Effexor XR. I tried some of
the Ondonsetron(sp?) that AndrewB had success on. I
added 5mg of Depreny that I get from a place in the
U.K. as a memory and 'anti-brain fog' drug to see how
that works. And I'll see what happens.Anywho, that's my trip lately.
'lowercase mark' ;-)mark
Posted by tina on September 19, 2000, at 18:37:45
In reply to Life's a b*tch and then you babble, posted by mark on September 18, 2000, at 17:29:45
>I'm sorry to hear you're having probs Mark. I was wondering about you. Sorry I couldn't get to the site for almost a week so i couldn't read your message til now. Don't know what to do about the drinking but I won't lecture you on it that'ws for sure. I've been considering starting lately so it would be the pot calling the kettle black.
Didn't you tell me that you hated that job anyway? I know it sucks to be unemployed but maybe you'll have the time to figure out what you really want and be able to do it now. Fresh start and all that. I really hope things improve for you soon.
I've gotten a job(from hell) since I last wrote to you and I have taken up smoking again and am abusing my benzos with all the stress and anxiety that goes along with this damn job. I'm considering going off in another direction and it's hard to decide to do it. I have a security thing in the field I work in, I know I'm good at it and I know how so anything new is terrifying.My best wishes go out to you for a speedy ending to your unemployed status but I hope also that you get a job that fulfills you and makes you look forward to going in everyday.
My thoughts are with you and please keep in touch ok?
Hugs
TinaThrough no fault of my own I've lost my second job this year. Ok, so the first one was my fault because my boss asked me to do something I wasn't hired or qualified to do and I said no. I made it clear on my interview that I
> didn't want to do this particular work and my boss said "This is your new job" and I said "Nope". Well, I guess I was qualified to do the work (I've done it for 15 years), but I spent years (YEARS!) going to school to learn something new. So now I'm supposed to go and do
> what I don't want to do anymore? I don't think so.
>
> This last job was ok, but it was for a small company. I
> was hired on with the expectation that the company would
> grow faster than it did and my position would be in
> demand. Well, you can guess the rest. Everyone was really cool and at the 12th hour my bosses boss was on
> the phone to HR trying to find me a place. That felt
> pretty good. But, the bottom line is there was no place
> and I am among the unemployed - again.
>
> I started drinking again. Which I'm not too proud of. I
> spouted off to Lisa Simpson about the power of the
> BEAST and he's got me by the cajones. My SO says it's
> because of the stress and my SO rarely drinks and is
> so al-anon it's scary. Still it weighs heavy on my
> frazzled mind.
>
> I'm still on 75mg/day of Effexor XR. I tried some of
> the Ondonsetron(sp?) that AndrewB had success on. I
> added 5mg of Depreny that I get from a place in the
> U.K. as a memory and 'anti-brain fog' drug to see how
> that works. And I'll see what happens.
>
> Anywho, that's my trip lately.
>
>
> 'lowercase mark' ;-)
>
> mark
Posted by Snowie on September 20, 2000, at 7:17:02
In reply to Life's a b*tch and then you babble, posted by mark on September 18, 2000, at 17:29:45
mark,
To use an old expression, "shit happens." These experiences will one day become a wipe that will fade from memory. I lost two jobs last year (I hated both of them, although I'm forgetting why, thank goodness). I had never been fired before (much less twice in a row -- and the second one after only 3 weeks), and my self esteem was at an all-time low. However, I was employed again within a few weeks, and this time the fit is much better.
If you're located in the USA, you know there are plenty of jobs available. You are educated and employable. I don't know what your field is, but you'll land on your feet very soon. Now is the time for clear and rational thinking. Drinking will NOT help you land a new job ... in fact, it's almost guaranteed to prolong your unemployment. That's your choice, of course.
Best of luck from one who has been there (and most of us have or will at some time).
Snowie
> Through no fault of my own I've lost my second job this year. Ok, so the first one was my fault because my boss asked me to do something I wasn't hired or qualified to do and I said no. I made it clear on my interview that I
> didn't want to do this particular work and my boss said "This is your new job" and I said "Nope". Well, I guess I was qualified to do the work (I've done it for 15 years), but I spent years (YEARS!) going to school to learn something new. So now I'm supposed to go and do
> what I don't want to do anymore? I don't think so.
>
> This last job was ok, but it was for a small company. I
> was hired on with the expectation that the company would
> grow faster than it did and my position would be in
> demand. Well, you can guess the rest. Everyone was really cool and at the 12th hour my bosses boss was on
> the phone to HR trying to find me a place. That felt
> pretty good. But, the bottom line is there was no place
> and I am among the unemployed - again.
>
> I started drinking again. Which I'm not too proud of. I
> spouted off to Lisa Simpson about the power of the
> BEAST and he's got me by the cajones. My SO says it's
> because of the stress and my SO rarely drinks and is
> so al-anon it's scary. Still it weighs heavy on my
> frazzled mind.
>
> I'm still on 75mg/day of Effexor XR. I tried some of
> the Ondonsetron(sp?) that AndrewB had success on. I
> added 5mg of Depreny that I get from a place in the
> U.K. as a memory and 'anti-brain fog' drug to see how
> that works. And I'll see what happens.
>
> Anywho, that's my trip lately.
>
>
> 'lowercase mark' ;-)
>
> mark
Posted by shar on September 20, 2000, at 11:13:45
In reply to Re: Life's a b*tch and then you babble » mark, posted by Snowie on September 20, 2000, at 7:17:02
Mark-oh:
In our group (AA) when someone went out, we'd use the word slip (sobriety loses its priority). Just about everyone slips, and why not? It's a behavior that's gotten you through BAD times before.
You have the ability, and will probably have the desire, to get sober again, and you can do it. One of the interesting things about "going out" is it's possible to find out that drinking does not help as much as you thought it would. Or, maybe not. Either way it is good info for you to have.
This is an excellent chance for you to observe yourself, and what you get out of drinking, etc.
Good luck, and don't stop writing, sober or not. I was invited to leave my last job in June, and haven't found another one yet. Hang in there.
Shar (Recovering Alkie)
> mark,
>
> To use an old expression, "shit happens." These experiences will one day become a wipe that will fade from memory. I lost two jobs last year (I hated both of them, although I'm forgetting why, thank goodness). I had never been fired before (much less twice in a row -- and the second one after only 3 weeks), and my self esteem was at an all-time low. However, I was employed again within a few weeks, and this time the fit is much better.
>
> If you're located in the USA, you know there are plenty of jobs available. You are educated and employable. I don't know what your field is, but you'll land on your feet very soon. Now is the time for clear and rational thinking. Drinking will NOT help you land a new job ... in fact, it's almost guaranteed to prolong your unemployment. That's your choice, of course.
>
> Best of luck from one who has been there (and most of us have or will at some time).
>
> Snowie
>
>
> > Through no fault of my own I've lost my second job this year. Ok, so the first one was my fault because my boss asked me to do something I wasn't hired or qualified to do and I said no. I made it clear on my interview that I
> > didn't want to do this particular work and my boss said "This is your new job" and I said "Nope". Well, I guess I was qualified to do the work (I've done it for 15 years), but I spent years (YEARS!) going to school to learn something new. So now I'm supposed to go and do
> > what I don't want to do anymore? I don't think so.
> >
> > This last job was ok, but it was for a small company. I
> > was hired on with the expectation that the company would
> > grow faster than it did and my position would be in
> > demand. Well, you can guess the rest. Everyone was really cool and at the 12th hour my bosses boss was on
> > the phone to HR trying to find me a place. That felt
> > pretty good. But, the bottom line is there was no place
> > and I am among the unemployed - again.
> >
> > I started drinking again. Which I'm not too proud of. I
> > spouted off to Lisa Simpson about the power of the
> > BEAST and he's got me by the cajones. My SO says it's
> > because of the stress and my SO rarely drinks and is
> > so al-anon it's scary. Still it weighs heavy on my
> > frazzled mind.
> >
> > I'm still on 75mg/day of Effexor XR. I tried some of
> > the Ondonsetron(sp?) that AndrewB had success on. I
> > added 5mg of Depreny that I get from a place in the
> > U.K. as a memory and 'anti-brain fog' drug to see how
> > that works. And I'll see what happens.
> >
> > Anywho, that's my trip lately.
> >
> >
> > 'lowercase mark' ;-)
> >
> > mark
Posted by Snowie on September 20, 2000, at 23:02:44
In reply to Life's a b*tch and then you babble, posted by mark on September 18, 2000, at 17:29:45
mark,
I saw this article, and I thought it appropros to this thread and to what we all go through in life. I know many of the things in this article are easier said than done, but they are something to strive toward in the ups and downs of life.
Snowie
Here's the link to the article or you can read it below:
http://content.careers.msn.com/WorkingLife/GettingAhead/0009_qtippersonally.asp
QTIP: Quit Taking It Personally
A guide to dealing with life’s disappointments.By Jeanne Lahaie
Name-calling and other types of negative feedback can be downright destructive--if you let them get the better of you. We all know they are just words, but how do you keep from taking them personally?
Your response to negative feedback in the workplace--or anywhere else--can determine its impact. So says Dr. Stan Dale, an inspirational speaker and director of the Human Awareness Institute in San Carlos, CA. “No one can ever reject you,” says Dale, “they can only say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to your requests. If you feel hurt or rejected, it may have something to do with how you feel about yourself. People who feel okay about themselves and are centered don’t put others down. They give a critical evaluation, and they want a win-win rather than a win-lose result.”
Why Me?
What happens when you’re faced with a problem that’s more serious that a simple put-down, such as a romantic break-up, getting fired, or even poor health? Many people make the mistake of thinking, “Why is this happening to me?” This sense of feeling victimized comes from taking things too personally, says Dale, whether you’re dealing with cancer or someone’s careless remark. You can avoid this feeling by cultivating compassion for yourself (and the perpetrator) and by looking for the positives in any situation.“As long as you don’t feel like a victim, you can take every situation as a positive,” advises Dale. He should know. Dale was fired from his job as a radio announcer--an experience he calls “the biggest ‘A-Ha!’ I ever had.” Instead of plotting revenge, he talked with his [now former] boss to understand why he was fired. “I chose to listen. Everything is a choice. I didn’t allow myself to be victimized by it. I had to realize how I was contributing to the situation, and take responsibility for myself.”
Dr. Christiane Northrup, in her book Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom: Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing (Bantam Doubleday Dell, 1998), echoes Dale’s sentiment. “If we fail to notice,” she says, “the ways in which we daily cooperate with the system that’s destroying us, we’re in danger of operating out of the perpetual-victim mode, always blaming someone ‘out there’ for our problems. For healing to occur, we must come to see that we are not so much responsible for our illnesses [or problems] as responsible to them.
“The healthiest people I know don’t take their diseases or even their lives too personally,” she continues. “They spend very little time beating themselves up about their illnesses, their life circumstances, or anything else. [They say] ‘I take full responsibility not for getting cancer in the first place, not for ultimately surviving it, but rather for the quality of the way I am responding to this bit of chaos thrown into my life.’”
All Cherries Have Pits
Chaos--or suffering--is a natural part of life, according to the Dalai Lama. As the Tibetan spiritual leader, who was ousted by the Chinese in 1949, writes in The Art of Happiness: a Handbook for Living (Riverhead Books, 1998): “When you experience some physical pain or other problem ... there’s a feeling of rejection associated with the suffering, a kind of feeling of ‘Oh, I shouldn’t be experiencing this.’ But if you can look at the situation from another angle and realize that this very body ... is the basis of suffering, then this reduces that feeling of rejection--the feeling that somehow you don’t deserve to suffer, that you are a victim. So, once you understand and accept this reality, then you experience suffering as something that is quite natural.”And his co-author, Dr. Howard Cutler, goes further: “If we think of suffering as something unnatural, something that we shouldn’t be experiencing, then it’s not much of a leap to begin to look for someone to blame for our suffering. If I’m unhappy, then I must be the ‘victim’ of someone or something--an idea that’s all too common in the West. The victimizer may be the government, the educational system, abusive parents, a ‘dysfunctional family,’ the other gender, or our uncaring mate. Or we may turn blame inward: there’s something wrong with me. But the risk of continuing to focus on assigning blame and maintaining a victim stance is the perpetuation of our suffering--with persistent feelings of anger, frustration, and resentment.”
Learning to Shift Perspective
“If you look from a different angle,” says the Dalai Lama, “then surely the person who caused this anger in you will have a lot of other positive aspects, positive qualities. If you look carefully, you will also find that the act which has made you angry has also given you certain opportunities, something which otherwise would not have been possible from your point of view.”In Stan Dale’s case, his opportunity became a new career helping people feel good about themselves. What will your opportunity be?
Some QTIPs for Work
* Understand that there’s something positive in every negative experience. Rather than feeling victimized over the fact that you didn’t get that promotion, focus on what you can learn from the situation. You may find that you need to brush up on your skills or polish up your resume in preparation for a new job search. In that way, your disappointment becomes a stepping stone, not a roadblock.
* Learn to have compassion for both yourself and your fellow workers. In a new position, for example, you may need a ramp-up period and you are bound to make mistakes. If those mistakes spark negative reactions from co-workers, understand that they are probably overworked, overwhelmed, and under-appreciated themselves. Use their comments as opportunities for establishing dialogue.
* Stop seeing your problems at work as unnatural or isolated. Realize that it’s a natural part of the workplace to experience some negativity. It may sound strange, but you should use negativity to your advantage.
Posted by mark on September 22, 2000, at 10:23:51
In reply to QTIP: Quit Taking It Personally , posted by Snowie on September 20, 2000, at 23:02:44
Great article and I love the QTIP acronym.
Thanks for the feedback Snowie. I liked this job in the beginning, but as the work stopped coming in it got more cutthroat and stressful. So I'm not missing the job a bit. I miss some of the people, but not all the corporate crud.
Thinking mark knows that I need to look at the big picture of why this happened and what a unique opportunity I have to work on me and go after what I really want. Feeling mark has his blinders on and is only seeing the here and now. I need to let Feeling mark get it out of this system so that Thinking mark can get our butt(s) in gear.
I know the booze isn't helping. I'm a cyclical drinker and thankfully the cycles are getting shorter. This time I had 4 months. Last time it was 2 years. I can tell this cycle is almost over because Feeling mark is starting to listen and work with Thinking mark. Once they start cooperating again I can get back on track.
After my second interview with the same company on 9/12 they said they hoped to make their decision by 9/15. I haven't heard anything and I'm going to call them this afternoon and see what the deal is. I'm dreading that because not knowing is sometimes better than knowing.
Thanks for listening. And thanks Tina for your email. I'll respond shortly.
Posted by Kath on September 27, 2000, at 10:08:45
In reply to Re: QTIP: Quit Taking It Personally , posted by mark on September 22, 2000, at 10:23:51
Hi Mark - I'm glad you're taking care of "Feeling Mark" rather than stuffing all that stuff down, down, down inside!!
Cheers, Kath
> Great article and I love the QTIP acronym.
>
> Thanks for the feedback Snowie. I liked this job in the beginning, but as the work stopped coming in it got more cutthroat and stressful. So I'm not missing the job a bit. I miss some of the people, but not all the corporate crud.
>
> Thinking mark knows that I need to look at the big picture of why this happened and what a unique opportunity I have to work on me and go after what I really want. Feeling mark has his blinders on and is only seeing the here and now. I need to let Feeling mark get it out of this system so that Thinking mark can get our butt(s) in gear.
>
> I know the booze isn't helping. I'm a cyclical drinker and thankfully the cycles are getting shorter. This time I had 4 months. Last time it was 2 years. I can tell this cycle is almost over because Feeling mark is starting to listen and work with Thinking mark. Once they start cooperating again I can get back on track.
>
> After my second interview with the same company on 9/12 they said they hoped to make their decision by 9/15. I haven't heard anything and I'm going to call them this afternoon and see what the deal is. I'm dreading that because not knowing is sometimes better than knowing.
>
> Thanks for listening. And thanks Tina for your email. I'll respond shortly.
This is the end of the thread.
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