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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on November 13, 2000, at 12:54:55
I don't know what's going on. Over the weekend, I was miserable. Depressed? I don't know. I felt hopeless, worthless, a total failure: not even a spectacular failure, just the run of the mill failure.
The anti-depressants are working, I guess, but I was suddenly miserable. My poor SO was so nice to me, and I wanted to tell him that I really wasn't reacting to anything about him, just getting hit by something. I don't know if he believed me. He was very sweet, though.
We had a nice weekend, went to Carmel-by-the-Sea, had a gentle Sunday, he went back to bed, I read fairy tales on the sofa (that's allowed, even for Lumptonian Messiahs, isn't it?) I fell asleep, unplugged the telephone, eventually woke up and we went shopping, bought a leg of lamb, then I made him a polarfleece pullover (which ended up too big, despite his matching the measurements for that size perfectly), and started laying out a fake fur skirt for me. That means that even some of my very favorite things in the world didn't cheer me. George MacDonald fairy tales. Sewing, on polarfleece which is warm and soft and cozy, using my fabulous serger which my SO gave me for my birthday. How could that NOT make me feel better? Laying out a skirt on violet leopard fake fur? What the heck is going on?
Way deep inside me, I could feel a little place where I was getting some satisfaction from sewing. I know that the pullover is excellent, if large. I know that the skirt is going to be wonderful, well made, etc. What's wrong?
Part of it is a feeling that there's something I haven't done and that's what makes me such a horrible person and failure in all things in all ways. I don't quite know what it is, but I can't shake the feeling. I'm not crying or hiding under the bed, but I feel so dragged out, so worthless, and yesterday I was convinced that there was no hope at all, that death was the only release.
Mind you, despite that, I do think that death should stay back: I want to walk through that door into the satisfaction I know I have the potential for. I want to show everyone that I can step out of my chrysalis and spread my beautiful new wings, still damp and glowing, to the sun. It's not that I'm actively suicidal, just that I feel pretty profoundly hopeless.
So, my fellow Lumptonians, any thoughts? Pour forth your wisdom, to salve my wounds.
Posted by shar on November 13, 2000, at 13:16:24
In reply to Misery??, posted by Racer on November 13, 2000, at 12:54:55
I think having no job influences that because in our society we are such work-ethic lovers. I can relate to what you've said, and no matter what I do right now, or how successful it is, I have this nagging feeling or a cloud over my head, and I think it is unemployment related.
Not 100% so, but enough that it matters. So, I don't really have any wonderful wise ways to counteract whatever is tugging on you, except to count your successes and celebrate them.
Hope that helps a little.
Shar> I don't know what's going on. Over the weekend, I was miserable. Depressed? I don't know. I felt hopeless, worthless, a total failure: not even a spectacular failure, just the run of the mill failure.
>
> The anti-depressants are working, I guess, but I was suddenly miserable. My poor SO was so nice to me, and I wanted to tell him that I really wasn't reacting to anything about him, just getting hit by something. I don't know if he believed me. He was very sweet, though.
>
> We had a nice weekend, went to Carmel-by-the-Sea, had a gentle Sunday, he went back to bed, I read fairy tales on the sofa (that's allowed, even for Lumptonian Messiahs, isn't it?) I fell asleep, unplugged the telephone, eventually woke up and we went shopping, bought a leg of lamb, then I made him a polarfleece pullover (which ended up too big, despite his matching the measurements for that size perfectly), and started laying out a fake fur skirt for me. That means that even some of my very favorite things in the world didn't cheer me. George MacDonald fairy tales. Sewing, on polarfleece which is warm and soft and cozy, using my fabulous serger which my SO gave me for my birthday. How could that NOT make me feel better? Laying out a skirt on violet leopard fake fur? What the heck is going on?
>
> Way deep inside me, I could feel a little place where I was getting some satisfaction from sewing. I know that the pullover is excellent, if large. I know that the skirt is going to be wonderful, well made, etc. What's wrong?
>
> Part of it is a feeling that there's something I haven't done and that's what makes me such a horrible person and failure in all things in all ways. I don't quite know what it is, but I can't shake the feeling. I'm not crying or hiding under the bed, but I feel so dragged out, so worthless, and yesterday I was convinced that there was no hope at all, that death was the only release.
>
> Mind you, despite that, I do think that death should stay back: I want to walk through that door into the satisfaction I know I have the potential for. I want to show everyone that I can step out of my chrysalis and spread my beautiful new wings, still damp and glowing, to the sun. It's not that I'm actively suicidal, just that I feel pretty profoundly hopeless.
>
> So, my fellow Lumptonians, any thoughts? Pour forth your wisdom, to salve my wounds.
Posted by coral on November 13, 2000, at 15:25:44
In reply to Misery??, posted by Racer on November 13, 2000, at 12:54:55
Dear Racer,
What courage!!!! Given that hole of hopelessness in your heart, you still functioned above the very basics of existence, and even involved yourself in projects that are normally joyous for you. Given your beautiful analogy of the crysallis, the butterfly struggles mightily, often to the point of exhaustion, in breaking free of its coccoon.
The sense of feeling like there's something you "should've" done or have left "undone" sounds like it might be guilt, as though you're disappointing someone else. Is there something about the time of year, the weather, anything that could be triggering it?
This may be a real stretch, but you also said you wanted to "show everyone you could step out of your crysallis" --- a proving of your worth? Is that an old issue for you that's raising its ugly head?
This may be a bit metaphysical, but I've always believed that diseases (or dis-eases) have lives of their own and they fight hard to keep their existence going. If your meds are working, this could be the "darkest before the dawn," a last hurrah from the disorder before it fades in the dawn.
Know you're not alone. You're very dear to me, (not to mention you're very dear to your mare), and this can be conquered.
((((((((Racer))))))))
PS Even Messiahs hit brick walls.
CPE (Coral)
Posted by Noa on November 13, 2000, at 17:38:25
In reply to Misery??, posted by Racer on November 13, 2000, at 12:54:55
I, too, am in a slump.
I was passive this weekend, mostly. And today was a bit stressful at work, and now I am feeling low. Not horrible, just a little down.
Overwhelmed with everything I can't keep up with, and wanting to go hide in a cave.
About a year ago was my worst depression ever, and perhaps there is a bit of an anniversary reaction. Also, I am wondering if I have a seasonal overlay.
I, too, have that feeling that when things aren't great, it is because of my core flaws, etc. which is I think, similar to what you are describing.
Anyway, enough about me....
I am impressed that you could actually read your fairy tales and sew the pullover despite not getting a lot of joy (as you would expect to) out of them.
Mostly, perhaps you need to offer yourself a little patience? Allow yourself some days of being grumpy without it having to stir up all the sense of inadequacy and thinking about death?
Posted by Racer on November 14, 2000, at 10:46:24
In reply to Misery??, posted by Racer on November 13, 2000, at 12:54:55
This is really getting awful. My poor SO has never seen this before, so he's upset by it.
I'm still doing something each day, but not much. And hating it. Withdrawing from the world.
Make it stop!
Posted by shar on November 14, 2000, at 11:09:04
In reply to Still miserable!, posted by Racer on November 14, 2000, at 10:46:24
Racer,
IMHO--
It's probably time for your poor SO to see this. If he is a part of your life, he may see it again. I encourage you to force yourself to keep a connection with him--not pretending to be ok, but TELL HIM what you are feeling, like what you just wrote--- "when this happens I want to with draw from the world, and even tho I still do something every day I am miserable and hate myself for .....whatever (feeling this way, being down, not having energy, whatever). And I want you to know it has always been temporary, and I will come back, and there is not much you can do except be with me as much as you can stand it."I know the "as much as you can stand it" sounds sort of icky (like he can't stand you), but I mean it in the sense that it can be stressful being around someone who is suffering, and you can do nothing about it. So, you give him an out, he doesn't have to stay with you every minute, and that is ok. And your withdrawal is not personally directed toward him.
If you keep him informed he will feel connected and not shut out which is a horrible feeling (being shut out). You can chat when you're up to it, go for a walk together and hold hands without talking, or give him an update on "How miserable am I? Let me count the ways." Anything to keep in touch with him.
Shar
> This is really getting awful. My poor SO has never seen this before, so he's upset by it.
>
> I'm still doing something each day, but not much. And hating it. Withdrawing from the world.
>
> Make it stop!
Posted by coral on November 14, 2000, at 13:59:09
In reply to Still miserable!, posted by Racer on November 14, 2000, at 10:46:24
Dear Racer,
Hang in there!!!!!! IMHO, Shar's advice is RIGHT on the money. When, (not if), when you're feeling better, I'll share a horror story of not confiding in my WH. It damned near cost us our marriage. The first episode (due to rotten docs, wrong meds, etc.) was 3 1/2 years with no abatement and a year to heal, once I found the right doc, right med. Thank God I found a superior therapist early on. The second episode which was two months'ish in the "black is a bright color" and "hell looks like up to me" phase, I had the right meds, doc and therapist in place, but I truly believe that snapping it so early was due to a profound commitment by my WH and myself that we were battling the monster together, which meant frequent status reports, reassurances (both ways), and joint decisions.It can be a horribly vicious cycle -- you're down (depressed...), he hurts seeing you hurt and gets upset, you get more down and upset because he's feeling bad, and so it goes. To break the cycle is important.
I don't know any magic words that'll make it stop. Please know that you're not alone in that inky black hell. ((((((((((Racer))))))))))
Coral (CPE)
Posted by Racer on November 14, 2000, at 15:03:49
In reply to Re: Still miserable!, posted by coral on November 14, 2000, at 13:59:09
Shar is pretty smart, 'cause I agree, too.
After answering your query below, I realized something:
I'm whinging about things that I can usually rock with. What's different right now? I'm on hold!
I've been interviewing with a company I'm interested in, and I know they're interested in me. They let me know that the offers they were making would go out last Thursday. On Thursday, they let us know that the final decision would be delayed, until yesterday or today. I haven't heard anything yet.
Mind you, I know they're interested in me, and I know that I'm one of the most impressive people they've seen. They even told me that! Whatever is holding things up is on their side, and knowing what I do about their business, I can guess that it has more to do with the weather than anything else!
Still, I'm in limbo, don't know what to do. I'm working on a contract which will end as soon as I can make it happen. This contract is otherwise openended. I could stretch this out for three or more months, if I want to.
I feel totally stymied, because I don't feel as though I can plan more than a week or so in advance right now. In fact, the contract people are asking me what my availability is for next week, for the week after, etc. I don't know what to tell them!
So, I would bet that that, along with things like the change of weather, is what's setting me off right now.
Also, I rear ended an Audi about 15 months ago. The insurance company sent me to one of their prefered shops, which mangled my car. I went through the entire hot season with no air conditioning because of them. My car is finally being fixed, after almost a year of fighting with the shop, the insurance company, and getting shifted from one to another agent. Now they're also fixing another ding in my car, from my hitting a concrete pillar in my garage. It's expensive, but makes me feel as though I'm worthy of my car. (Hey, it's a Toyota, car of the Gods! It's saying a lot to be worthy of a Toyota!) The money doesn't really bother me, since it's going into something I value.
What bothers me about all this car stuff is the rental car! I hate it with a passion, and don't feel normal without my own little car! Also, the rental really is a terrible car -- even without comparing it to my lovely Car-milla.
Maybe it's a kind of let down? The car trouble is finally being cleared up. The employment situation is finally showing some light at the end of the tunnel. My SO is the most perfect man on the planet. My big cat isn't eating because he's figured out how to get into the food bin on his own and thus JUST ISN'T HUNGRY. Life is suddenly coming into focus.
Sure the job thing is scary. Sure, the car is expensive. Sure, I'll have to kill the cat.
Nonetheless, my theory is that I babble all the time with ---- NO!! The real theory is that I'm afraid that with nothing falling to pieces around me, I'll fail anyway. I'll sabotage myself. I'll find out I'm not good enough to get through this.
Who knows? Maybe that's part of it though.
Any other ideas?
Posted by S. Howard on November 14, 2000, at 16:21:20
In reply to Re: Misery?? » Racer, posted by shar on November 13, 2000, at 13:16:24
Can you get in to see your pdoc? Tell him you need something that helps right away, not that lame 6-week-waiting-time stuff.
Here's some different ideas:
1.) Get a professional massage. They're woonnndderful (I've had 1).
2.) Read Dale Carnegie's "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living." Even if you're not particularly
worried, it's a very "up" book.
3.) Watch Jenny Jones or Ricki Lake, that's always good for a laugh.
4.) Read Ann Baer's "Down the Common-a year in the life of a medieval woman." Life used to suck so bad, the book makes you appreciate our times.
5.) Go to see a live WWF show. Yes I'm serious- I laughed through the whole thing.
6.) Volunteer to serve Thanksgiving dinner to homeless people.
7.) Even if you don't drink, have a Slippery Nipple shot (Baileys & butterscotch schnapps). Why? Because we like you!
8.) Go outside and admire your Toyota, if it's there. I've got a Nissan with a missing side mirror, I don't know what happened to it, but otherwise I love that car.Is that enough goofy ideas? I quit my job so I have plenty of time on my hands. I'm trying to figure out what else I can do that doesn't require a lot of contact with normal people. So far I've thought of 1.) digging cans out of dumpsters. That's it.
-Gracie
Posted by NikkiT2 on November 15, 2000, at 12:06:49
In reply to Misery??, posted by Racer on November 13, 2000, at 12:54:55
You sound like me 6 motnhs ago.. hey, even 3 motnhs ago. Nothing was worth while, I hated my SO seeing me like, actually, I hated my SO... I hated everything. But one day, a med finally worked, and now, I can get help. I was too deep in the quagmire to get help before, but now I can!
Treat yourself to something... S Howard reccomended a professional massage. They can be great - and feels like a nice treat, just for you.
I wish I could give you the shovel to get you out, I really do. hnag in there hun, and use us as and when you need. (((hugs)))
Posted by R.Anne on November 15, 2000, at 22:37:21
In reply to Hey racer, posted by NikkiT2 on November 15, 2000, at 12:06:49
Racer,
I experience the feelings you described. Besides getting back on a med. that helped more, I will go and see a movie-even alone-it takes my mind off of my "life from hell" for awhile. When I come back home I feel somewhat refreshed and often can look at things a little differently. Maybe put on your favorite music and sing your heart out? :-) I think you are making a good effort to feel better.
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