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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lexie on January 14, 2001, at 14:49:20
I know I have been gone for a while. I haven't even had the energy to ask for help. As some of you know I recently lost custody of my 5 year old. The pain of only seeing him every other weekend and on Wednesday evenings for 2 hours is more than I can take. Last night I blew him a kiss and he told me I had "Magical" kisses and he would miss me when I wasn't around. I take him home at 6 tonight and I feel so much pain. He always begs me to stay. I have to close the door to his room. I wont sleep tonight. Does it ever get better? My husband keeps reminding me that "my" leaving was the cruelist thing anyone could ever do to a 5 year old. I feel like 2 happy homes is better than one bitter angry one. I could sure use some hugs right now. Lexie
Posted by phillybob on January 14, 2001, at 15:31:04
In reply to Help my heart is broken, posted by Lexie on January 14, 2001, at 14:49:20
Hi, Lexie. I'm not really in the loop on your situation, and I know that others here, who are more in the know, will jump in soon with kind words, but since I was on and visiting the board, I just wanted to extend a hug to you. I do not know any of the particulars whatsoever in your dissolution of the marriage but, as you said, "2 happy homes ARE better than one bitter angry one." No questions asked, that is the truth. Just keep vigilant in making sure that you do your part in controlling what you can which is keeping your home a happy one.
Let the guilt trip from your ex-husband wash right off you. It is difficult. And, it is most difficult for your child to understand all of this, who will likely not understand until he or she is much, much older. Hopefully, someday he or she will understand, contrary to whatever guilt and false paintings by your ex-husband, what an intelligent, true and good thing you have done and are doing.
Hold your head up high and be what your child most needs, a great mother, a healthy mother, a role model, etc.
"Magical kisses!" That's great stuff! :) Some day, when I'm a daddy, I'll be lucky enough to know that kind of reward.
Posted by Racer on January 14, 2001, at 16:16:38
In reply to Help my heart is broken, posted by Lexie on January 14, 2001, at 14:49:20
I'm with you, Lexie, in avoiding the one bitter angry home for your child. Even though you're getting nasties from your ex about it now, you know you're right! We're just reminding you of that. Don't let him make you doubt yourself!
(Doesn't that make it sound easy?)
As for the situation getting better, I was the step-mother, so it's not quite the same, but here's my experience:
My no-longer-cherished, who will always be one of my most valued friends, worked hard to avoid animosity with his ex-wife for the sake of the children. She, on the other hand, was always willing to jump in with really poisonous things to say about their father. The kids weren't stupid, they saw what was going on. It caused problems for both of them, so the kids suffer more than the parents, but when that part was worked out a little better it all got better.
Right now, it's hurting everyone so much, but it will get better. There's no question you need to grieve, and my heart goes out to you because of it. Once you grieve for the days and nights you won't have you lovely child, you can be an even better mother when you are together. Don't feel guilty, but do try to open lines of communication with your ex. The two of you won't ever have to be friends, but you should work as hard as you can to be friendly enough to save your mutual child from such pain. (In case that's not clear enough, your ex has to stop being a child about it, and grow up. He needs to act like a grown up for the sake of your child.)
And as the child of two dissimilar people who split up when I was younger than your baby, I was happier in a calmer household, where I didn't have to feel so guilty over the conflicts. And I admire my mother more than I can say for never saying anything bad about my father. She would have been justified, but she never did -- and in fact made more excuses about his behavior than she could ever have been asked to make. I learned all about him from my own experiences -- not hers. That was an invaluable gift for her to give me.
Posted by tina on January 14, 2001, at 16:27:59
In reply to Help my heart is broken, posted by Lexie on January 14, 2001, at 14:49:20
Do not think that you leaving was a cruel thing Lexie. It's crueller to stay and bring up a child in an unhappy home. My parents stayed together for the kids and I now have many emotional scars that are affecting my own life in a very negative way. You did what was right and never doubt that. All your little boy needs is to know that you love him and that you'll be there for him whenever he needs you. And from what I hear from your post, you do love him and you are there for him. You did the right thing. Be kind to yourself. It doesn't matter what your husband says, he is lashing out at you from a place of pain and rejection. It isn't your fault. As long as your little boy knows you love him and you show it everytime you're together, you are all he needs. I know you're a wonderful mom.
Big Hugs
Tina> I know I have been gone for a while. I haven't even had the energy to ask for help. As some of you know I recently lost custody of my 5 year old. The pain of only seeing him every other weekend and on Wednesday evenings for 2 hours is more than I can take. Last night I blew him a kiss and he told me I had "Magical" kisses and he would miss me when I wasn't around. I take him home at 6 tonight and I feel so much pain. He always begs me to stay. I have to close the door to his room. I wont sleep tonight. Does it ever get better? My husband keeps reminding me that "my" leaving was the cruelist thing anyone could ever do to a 5 year old. I feel like 2 happy homes is better than one bitter angry one. I could sure use some hugs right now. Lexie
Posted by ksvt on January 14, 2001, at 16:59:19
In reply to Re: Help my heart is broken, posted by tina on January 14, 2001, at 16:27:59
>Lexie - remind your husband that you didn't leave your son - you just left your husband for the good of both you and your son. As long as you can keep the acrimony out of this, and vigilantly grab every opportunity to be with or talk to your son, things will get better. Eventually your husband is going to get on with his own life and he's going to need your help with your son to do that. As your son gets older, and if your relationship with him continues to be strong, the greater his voice will be about how much time you spend together. Don't push it or fight it, just let it happen. You're doing a wonderful thing here and I really hope that it will pay dividends down the road. ksvt
Do not think that you leaving was a cruel thing Lexie. It's crueller to stay and bring up a child in an unhappy home. My parents stayed together for the kids and I now have many emotional scars that are affecting my own life in a very negative way. You did what was right and never doubt that. All your little boy needs is to know that you love him and that you'll be there for him whenever he needs you. And from what I hear from your post, you do love him and you are there for him. You did the right thing. Be kind to yourself. It doesn't matter what your husband says, he is lashing out at you from a place of pain and rejection. It isn't your fault. As long as your little boy knows you love him and you show it everytime you're together, you are all he needs. I know you're a wonderful mom.
> Big Hugs
> Tina
>
> > I know I have been gone for a while. I haven't even had the energy to ask for help. As some of you know I recently lost custody of my 5 year old. The pain of only seeing him every other weekend and on Wednesday evenings for 2 hours is more than I can take. Last night I blew him a kiss and he told me I had "Magical" kisses and he would miss me when I wasn't around. I take him home at 6 tonight and I feel so much pain. He always begs me to stay. I have to close the door to his room. I wont sleep tonight. Does it ever get better? My husband keeps reminding me that "my" leaving was the cruelist thing anyone could ever do to a 5 year old. I feel like 2 happy homes is better than one bitter angry one. I could sure use some hugs right now. Lexie
Posted by Noa on January 15, 2001, at 12:07:23
In reply to Re: Help my heart is broken, posted by ksvt on January 14, 2001, at 16:59:19
Lexie, I am glad you came back for support. This is a rough time, and you need as much support as you can get, but you have to reach out for it--so I am glad you are.
Most likely, what your husband says now is all going to be bitter, so try to defend against it by shutting it out and not letting it get to you. He probably has an agenda, so every thing he says will be to promote that agenda, that is the main purpose. So, try not to listen because if he wants you to take it to heart, to be weakened by it, he will say the bitterest things he can, and it could weaken you, but if you resolve to not let it, it doesn't have to.No matter what else happens, you have a good relationship with your son.
Why not start a letter to your son that he can read when he is older--a letter explaining what is happening and why, how you are making the choices in the interest of protecting him from a bitter custody battle, about how hard you are trying despite a disabling illness, about how much you love him, and cherish every moment with him.
Posted by Gena on January 16, 2001, at 14:49:27
In reply to Help my heart is broken, posted by Lexie on January 14, 2001, at 14:49:20
> I know I have been gone for a while. I haven't even had the energy to ask for help. As some of you know I recently lost custody of my 5 year old. The pain of only seeing him every other weekend and on Wednesday evenings for 2 hours is more than I can take. Last night I blew him a kiss and he told me I had "Magical" kisses and he would miss me when I wasn't around. I take him home at 6 tonight and I feel so much pain. He always begs me to stay. I have to close the door to his room. I wont sleep tonight. Does it ever get better? My husband keeps reminding me that "my" leaving was the cruelist thing anyone could ever do to a 5 year old. I feel like 2 happy homes is better than one bitter angry one. I could sure use some hugs right now. Lexie
I am curious as to why you "lost custody" of your son. I don't agree with the world today in that when things get tough just get out. I don't know all of your situation but I do know that with the availablity of counselor/marriage counselors today that had you made use of these resources you may not have had to place YOUR SON in this heart breaking situation.
Posted by Noa on January 16, 2001, at 15:30:09
In reply to Re: Help my heart is broken, posted by Gena on January 16, 2001, at 14:49:27
In defense of Lexie, I believe she did tell us that her own pdoc had told her that he would have to reveal all, and would be compelled to come down on the husband's side on this, and Lexie wasn't able to find anyone to support her desire to maintain custody, so in the interest of avoiding a bitter custody battle (her husband seems to have set it up as all or nothing), which she feels would be traumatic for her son, she chose not to fight it at this point.
I know people who have taken the other route, and only to lose in the end, but with the further harm of putting the child through the bitterest most polarizing battle. I think the system we use is not the best for the child or the family, but it is what is, and Lexie, like many parents in her shoes, had to choose what she felt was best for her son, given the limitations of the system.
I am bothered by at least one assumption implicit in your post---that Lexie did not try to prevent this from happening. It bothers me for two reasons---first, you admit to not being familiar with her situation, so to assume this is rather a leap, and second, to me, your post has an accusing sort of tone, which is the last thing Lexie needs right now, as someone who is struggling with so much.
I know that sometimes this text-based communication skews how things come across, so, I will stay openminded about your intentions.
Posted by ksvt on January 16, 2001, at 19:56:19
In reply to Re: Help my heart is broken, posted by Gena on January 16, 2001, at 14:49:27
>I agree with Noa. What maybe could've happened is rather beside the point even if within the realm of possibility. If I understand Lexie's situation, she has already agreed to this as part of a final divorce order and is just awaiting (or has already had) the final hearing. ksvt
Posted by Dr. Bob on January 16, 2001, at 21:24:19
In reply to Re: Help my heart is broken, posted by Gena on January 16, 2001, at 14:49:27
> I don't know all of your situation but I do know that with the availablity of counselor/marriage counselors today that had you made use of these resources you may not have had to place YOUR SON in this heart breaking situation.
Please be supportive -- and careful not to come across as accusatory -- when you post here. Thanks,
Bob
PS: Any follow-ups about this should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration.
Posted by Gena on January 17, 2001, at 10:29:15
In reply to Re: please be supportive » Gena, posted by Dr. Bob on January 16, 2001, at 21:24:19
> > I don't know all of your situation but I do know that with the availablity of counselor/marriage counselors today that had you made use of these resources you may not have had to place YOUR SON in this heart breaking situation.
>
> Please be supportive -- and careful not to come across as accusatory -- when you post here. Thanks,
>
> Bob
>
> PS: Any follow-ups about this should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration.My apologies to Lexi. I had not read her previous post. It is only my nature to come to the defense of children. I will pray for you and your family.
Posted by Lexie on January 17, 2001, at 20:37:13
In reply to Re: please be supportive, posted by Gena on January 17, 2001, at 10:29:15
> > > I don't know all of your situation but I do know that with the availablity of counselor/marriage counselors today that had you made use of these resources you may not have had to place YOUR SON in this heart breaking situation.
> >
> > Please be supportive -- and careful not to come across as accusatory -- when you post here. Thanks,
> >
> > Bob
> >
> > PS: Any follow-ups about this should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration.
>
> My apologies to Lexi. I had not read her previous post. It is only my nature to come to the defense of children. I will pray for you and your family.
This is the end of the thread.
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