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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 31. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by NikkiT2 on January 30, 2001, at 11:08:09
I just spoke with my pdoc about how I'm feeling (basically terrible!! I'm not being sick anymore, but my moods and anxiety level is appalingly bad - I just want to shive a knife through my forehead kinda feeling)
Anyway, I've made an appointment to see him friday, and he said if I'm not feeling any better by then, he's going to hospitalise me as I really *should* be feeling better.
This just kinda sounds like a threat to me, and you know what will happen - I'll pretend everything is OK just to avoid being shoved into hospital.
I wuldn't mind going to day hospital as much, but everyone I know int he UK has told me how much worse hospital made them - being lumped in with all the "really" mad people! (The mental health system in the UK is pretty appalling...).
help. I don't feel I'd cope with it, so what can I do.. Plus, I ahve been given my final, final warning at work today after being 3 hours late (I did call in) due to a really nasty panic attack.
Wish I could put my life on "pause" for a wile, till I can deal with it all again.
Nikki x
Posted by Noa on January 30, 2001, at 11:59:54
In reply to Damned pdoc...., posted by NikkiT2 on January 30, 2001, at 11:08:09
Time for a CONSULT with another pdoc? Just for a second opinion to help you and your pdoc with this one?
Do you really need to be in hospital?
That "shove the knife through the forehead" feeling--is it just a feeling, or is there a real risk you will do something to hurt yourself?
Is the pdoc frustrating that you are not getting the desired results out of this cocktail?
Posted by judy1 on January 30, 2001, at 12:25:38
In reply to Damned pdoc...., posted by NikkiT2 on January 30, 2001, at 11:08:09
Nikki,
I always perceive hospital warnings as threats also. Probably because I have never been helped in one. I think Noa is right about seeing someone else- if you have to lie to your pdoc because you don't feel safe with him, how can that possibly help you? It took me over a dozen to find my present pdoc, he understands how hospitals are scary places for me, and if I have suicidal ideation I know I can call him and talk about it without fear of commitment. It seems like that is the type of person you need too. I have been on disability for 3 years now (ever since this rapid cycling started), I know the stress of a job would make everything worse. What are your options? It sounds as if your job has become to stressful, and sometimes just removing that will help you feel better. Does the UK have some kind of protection for people with disabilities like the U.S.'s ADA? If it does then your job has to accomodate your panic attacks by law and "warnings" are illegal. I hope there is something like that in place there, and I really hope you begin to feel better soon- judy
Posted by NikkiT2 on January 30, 2001, at 14:24:12
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc.... » NikkiT2, posted by judy1 on January 30, 2001, at 12:25:38
Not much chance of changing pdocs I'm afraid... Can't afforsd to pay for one, and the NHS is pretty useless. I'd have to go back on the waiting list to find another one (my only other local one is current ones boss!!), which would be about 4 months. 4 months with no pdoc seems a bit scary.
As for self harm.. erm... well... dunno whether I would actually shove a knife in my head, but I am getting back into the scratching my arms with needles to try and control this feeling. I have too much something in me, but I can't put into words what it is. Like I want to pull and rip and scratch and scream. Angry, frustrated, pissed off, and (this is worrying me) - I feel very violent. I'm kind of managing to channel this into on line arguemnts... but... well, what if that ends up not enough??
Oooh... microwaves gone ping!!!
N xx
Posted by Noa on January 30, 2001, at 15:19:53
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc...., posted by NikkiT2 on January 30, 2001, at 14:24:12
Do they have kick-boxing at that fitness club of yours??
Could be a way to channel some of this energy.
But it does sound like something isn't ok with you medwise, since you just went through a major med change, didn't you?
Posted by Rach on January 30, 2001, at 17:02:59
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc...., posted by Noa on January 30, 2001, at 15:19:53
Nothing particularly useful to add - just that I love ya Nik! Noa's idea of kickboxing is good. Maybe you should get a punching bag at home. :)
Posted by Greg on January 30, 2001, at 18:08:57
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc...., posted by Rach on January 30, 2001, at 17:02:59
> Nothing particularly useful to add - just that I love ya Nik! Noa's idea of kickboxing is good. Maybe you should get a punching bag at home. :)
Or maybe you could just punch your pdoc....just kidding.
xxoo,
Greg
Posted by CarolynAnn on January 30, 2001, at 20:26:47
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc...., posted by Greg on January 30, 2001, at 18:08:57
Nikki...
I know exactly how you feel. I often find myself telling my pdoc that I feel better than I really do. This is totally stupid for me, because when I really feel bad, I actually sometimes feel like I want to go into the hospital, but I'm afraid that he'll think I'm making stuff up...that I'm a hypochondriac. Is this dumb or what??? I know the times I was in hospital several years ago it was hard to come home. Not that home is bad...actually I have a wonderful husband, a nice house and I did miss my dogs, but it was so much easier to be in there and have no responsibilities and feel safe. So I guess now I feel guilty if I think about going in because I think I'm just wanting to do it to avoid stuff and feel safe. But is feeling safe really so bad? Anyway, I ramble on...but it is very hard for me to tell him the truth, and I don't think it would be any different with a different doctor. I think it's just me...I'm afraid of being judged. And then sometimes when you are really depressed it's hard to express how bad you feel...or even to be able to judge your own feelings intelligently. Anyway...good luck, I'm pulling for you!
Posted by NikkiT2 on January 31, 2001, at 8:56:11
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc...., posted by CarolynAnn on January 30, 2001, at 20:26:47
I often find myself telling my pdoc that I feel better than I really do. This is totally stupid for me, because when I really feel bad, I actually sometimes feel like I want to go into the hospital, but I'm afraid that he'll think I'm making stuff up...that I'm a hypochondriac. Is this dumb or what???
Not dumb at all... totally how I feel!!! At times I really want to be hospitalised, just to get away from it all. Not my husband or anything, but the house work, the washing up and all those decisions that ahve to be made all the time. just to escape reality for a bit.
But this week, I don't want to go in. I want to be better, but I want to sleep in my own bed.
If he does bring it up, I think I'll ask about day hospital and see what he says.
Ta all
Nikki
Posted by judy1 on January 31, 2001, at 12:25:16
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc...., posted by CarolynAnn on January 30, 2001, at 20:26:47
Wow, am I the only person on this board who is terrified of hospitals? Anyway the lesson about pdocs- they are working for you (aren't you/insurance paying them?) It is their job to make a safe environment for you to come to so that you are able to describe your feelings exactly without fears of threats or feeling like a hypochondriac. If you don't feel this way, he/she has not done their job to create a therapeutic alliance. The reality is there are very few (in my experience) who are capable or even have an interest in doing so. After having a pdoc like that for 2 years and losing him, I went through 14!!! before I found one now who is capable of providing the environment I need. I want to add that I am a child abuse survivor and as such I am exquisitely sensitive to pdoc's reactions and know within minutes whether that person will be able to help me. I have driven my insurance nuts and actually pay a lot out of pocket but I am determined to get well. Sorry if I came off wrong, but this is a big issue with me. Take care, judy
Posted by NikkiT2 on January 31, 2001, at 14:01:01
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc.... » CarolynAnn, posted by judy1 on January 31, 2001, at 12:25:16
My problem is that I'm in the UK, and as such don't have a choice of changing my pdocs around.. The onky other one I could get refferred to in my locality is my current ones boss - and I'll have to go on his waiting list for at least 4 months before I egt an appointment! Plus, they're paid a wage, so however they treat anyone, they still get the same amount of money at the end of each month.
And yes, I'm pretty scared of the hospital option... but there are times I'm feeling *so* it seems like the easiest route out of everything. Either that or suicide sometimes is how it feels - and, ya know, I don't want to go the suicide route.
N xx
Posted by judy1 on January 31, 2001, at 14:21:31
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc.... » judy1, posted by NikkiT2 on January 31, 2001, at 14:01:01
Oh Nikki, that really sucks. You need to be safe, please do everything you can to be so. I'm so sorry this is how it has to be. Take care of yourself and let me know how you are doing- judy
Posted by CarolynAnn on January 31, 2001, at 18:27:26
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc...., posted by NikkiT2 on January 31, 2001, at 8:56:11
> Not dumb at all... totally how I feel!!! At times I really want to be hospitalised, just to get away from it all. Not my husband or anything, but the house work, the washing up and all those decisions that ahve to be made all the time. just to escape reality for a bit.
>
> But this week, I don't want to go in. I want to be better, but I want to sleep in my own bed.
>
> If he does bring it up, I think I'll ask about day hospital and see what he says.
>
> Ta all
>
> NikkiNikki...
I feel like I've found a soul sister...you've expressed my feelings about being hospitalized exactly. Getting away from the pressures/expectations of daily life sometimes seems like the only answer. Especially if the only other option you can see at the time is suicide. I'm wondering how you are doing today? When do you next see the doctor? I went thru a slump in January, but am feeling much better at the moment. Hoping it will last a while! Where in the UK are you? My husband and I visited London and the Cotswalds several years ago and loved it. Hope to go back someday. Perhaps we'll meet! Take care...you are not alone.
Carolyn
Posted by quilter on January 31, 2001, at 22:50:49
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc...., posted by NikkiT2 on January 31, 2001, at 8:56:11
Nikki- Thanks for your message in the thread above. I start Partial hosp. again tomorrow because I couldn't make another promise I couldn't keep. Should have kept my trap shut and my options open. I really don't know how many more times I can do this. Seems like a terrible waste of time, effort and money to keep the inevitable at bay.
Quilter
Posted by ms. b. on February 1, 2001, at 1:54:14
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc.... » NikkiT2, posted by quilter on January 31, 2001, at 22:50:49
Quilter,
I hope you see this before you go in tomorrow (actually today)..You've been a friend and so kind to so many people on this board. I'm new here, but you have written to me already. I have tried to read up on posts to get the feel of the board, and have read you a LOT. Maybe it could console you somehow that you have people who care about you and wish you well because you have made a difference to them. I know you think what's the use, but the partial-hosp process my be better this time around, and do you at least some good, I don't know. I have never had to go into the hosp for my depression/anxiety (now newly diagnosed as slightly bipolar). So it's easy for me to say... Just know people care. I hope to hear back from you so we know what's going on. Please, stay around.
B.
> Nikki- Thanks for your message in the thread above. I start Partial hosp. again tomorrow because I couldn't make another promise I couldn't keep. Should have kept my trap shut and my options open. I really don't know how many more times I can do this. Seems like a terrible waste of time, effort and money to keep the inevitable at bay.
>
> Quilter
Posted by NikkiT2 on February 1, 2001, at 4:00:18
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc.... » NikkiT2, posted by CarolynAnn on January 31, 2001, at 18:27:26
Hi!
I am seeing the pdoc tomorrow... not feeling great - had to get up to see normal doc to get a certificate for absence from work for last week and week before... waited hour and a half, to be lectured for not ocming in whilst ill (does the doctor understand depressiona nd anxiety!)... she asked what I was being treated for... depression OR anxiety,.. I said both, and she said "come on now, which one, you can only have one"!!!! Anyway, she finally gave me my cert, but refused to put on it that emdication itself had caused my sickness, and said she would only put depression on it - not it will look like I'm lying to my boss!!!! Grrrrrrrrr!!!
I live in London at the moment (I'm from the east coast, a small sea side town!), but we visit the Cotswolds regularly as my husbands family live there, and we're planning on moving there in about 2 years time when we want to start a family!!! It's such a gorgeous area - We were there for Christmas, and it snowed and looked SO amazing!!!
Definatly let me know anytime you'll be over!!!
N
Posted by NikkiT2 on February 1, 2001, at 4:04:18
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc.... » NikkiT2, posted by quilter on January 31, 2001, at 22:50:49
(((hugs)))
You never know hun.. the miracle might just be round the corner ya know... At times it all seems so futile... but I try and keep that little night light of hope somewhere that the next thing they try *could* be the miracle I'm looking for. I know it's bloody hard to keep that idea somewhere - but can you log on to keep in touch in the evenings so I can keep reminding you of that? :o)
I'm seeing Pshirk (as a friend likes to call all pdocs in the UK!!) tomorrow morning, so I *have* to be able to let you know how it sent.
hang in there...
Nikki xxx
Posted by Noa on February 1, 2001, at 7:40:18
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc.... » quilter, posted by NikkiT2 on February 1, 2001, at 4:04:18
Quilter,
I am glad you are going to the partial hospitalization despite your doubts. I, too, believe we would lose a valuable friend if you were carry out your suicidal thoughts.
Last year, I was sure I wouldn't survive another bout of depression, that "it" was inevitable.
I did not believe there was hope.
But things have turned around for me, after years and years of med poop outs and trying different combos and years of therapy.
I do believe you can find the right recipe to treat your illness, too. And I wish you will believe it too, or at least keep enough of an open mind to stick around until you do believe it.
Posted by CarolynAnn on February 1, 2001, at 20:52:55
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc.... » CarolynAnn, posted by NikkiT2 on February 1, 2001, at 4:00:18
>Nikki...
Today should have been the day you went to the pdoc. How did it go? I can't believe a doctor actually told you you had to be EITHER depressed or anxious! I almost always have both together,too. Regular doctors can be very dense about this sort of thing. The first one I went to had me on nothing but Xanax and sleeping pills. Of course I got hooked on the Xanax eventually. I managed to get off by myself but it sure was not fun. Another doctor during a different episode took my off Xanax all at once. I did not sleep at all for three days, then had a panic attack. Oh boy. Now I have an excellent pdoc who is very good at prescribing meds, and has managed to keep me out of the hospital for the past seven years (even the times I wanted to be there)! Well, enough about me...please let me know how it went for you today...
C
Posted by Noa on February 2, 2001, at 7:35:47
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc...., posted by CarolynAnn on February 1, 2001, at 20:52:55
Nikki, he told you you had to be EITHER depressed OR anxious, but couldn't be both?
How did I miss that one?
That is simply ludicrous, and if he believes that, he knows NOTHING about what it is like to experience living with a mental disorder, which means he probably has never really listened to any of his patients.
TIME FOR A NEW PDOC!!!!!!!!
Posted by NikkiT2 on February 2, 2001, at 11:14:23
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc...., posted by Noa on February 2, 2001, at 7:35:47
LOL
And time for a pdoc that speaks good english!!! :o) When I told him I was antaganistic, he looke dpuzzled, wrote in his book, and then asked where i was getting stick... i said I wasn't... he asked if it was at work... I said no where.... he asked why I had said it then... I repeated anataganistic... he asked what it meant!!!!!!! Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!
Posted by mars on February 2, 2001, at 15:46:41
In reply to Damned pdoc...., posted by NikkiT2 on January 30, 2001, at 11:08:09
Sorry I haven't been around, sweet Nikki. I know how it is with bad pdocs (I just got yanked into the hospital last night, but after a 6-hour wait at least the social worker was decent and suggested that I just need to find another pdoc. )
Don't give up. Take your notes, and maybe a gecko or two???
mars
> I just spoke with my pdoc about how I'm feeling (basically terrible!! I'm not being sick anymore, but my moods and anxiety level is appalingly bad - I just want to shive a knife through my forehead kinda feeling)
>
> Anyway, I've made an appointment to see him friday, and he said if I'm not feeling any better by then, he's going to hospitalise me as I really *should* be feeling better.
>
> This just kinda sounds like a threat to me, and you know what will happen - I'll pretend everything is OK just to avoid being shoved into hospital.
>
> I wuldn't mind going to day hospital as much, but everyone I know int he UK has told me how much worse hospital made them - being lumped in with all the "really" mad people! (The mental health system in the UK is pretty appalling...).
>
> help. I don't feel I'd cope with it, so what can I do.. Plus, I ahve been given my final, final warning at work today after being 3 hours late (I did call in) due to a really nasty panic attack.
>
> Wish I could put my life on "pause" for a wile, till I can deal with it all again.
>
> Nikki x
Posted by NikkiT2 on February 2, 2001, at 16:44:14
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc...., posted by mars on February 2, 2001, at 15:46:41
Aw, thanks for checking in.
You OK?? Sounds a nightmare if you had to go to the hospital.. I know hospitals are very different here... let us know you're OK though..
nikki x
Posted by ksvt on February 2, 2001, at 16:45:28
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc...., posted by mars on February 2, 2001, at 15:46:41
>Mary - Are you all right? K
Sorry I haven't been around, sweet Nikki. I know how it is with bad pdocs (I just got yanked into the hospital last night, but after a 6-hour wait at least the social worker was decent and suggested that I just need to find another pdoc. )
>
> Don't give up. Take your notes, and maybe a gecko or two???
>
> mars
>
> > I just spoke with my pdoc about how I'm feeling (basically terrible!! I'm not being sick anymore, but my moods and anxiety level is appalingly bad - I just want to shive a knife through my forehead kinda feeling)
> >
> > Anyway, I've made an appointment to see him friday, and he said if I'm not feeling any better by then, he's going to hospitalise me as I really *should* be feeling better.
> >
> > This just kinda sounds like a threat to me, and you know what will happen - I'll pretend everything is OK just to avoid being shoved into hospital.
> >
> > I wuldn't mind going to day hospital as much, but everyone I know int he UK has told me how much worse hospital made them - being lumped in with all the "really" mad people! (The mental health system in the UK is pretty appalling...).
> >
> > help. I don't feel I'd cope with it, so what can I do.. Plus, I ahve been given my final, final warning at work today after being 3 hours late (I did call in) due to a really nasty panic attack.
> >
> > Wish I could put my life on "pause" for a wile, till I can deal with it all again.
> >
> > Nikki x
Posted by mars on February 2, 2001, at 22:02:13
In reply to Re: Damned pdoc.... » mars, posted by NikkiT2 on February 2, 2001, at 16:44:14
I think about you often, Nikki, love your humor and your great Brit slang and your loving way with your geckos and the folkks on this board. I want to fly over there and bunnystomp my way thru yr damn system and find you a good pdoc. I will sign up for the appointment after ;)
I am hanging in there, but barely. But I did get in touch with three people yesterday who care about me more than I realized, so I have a little help and just need to get through this time.
I think I am a little like your retarded gecko, sometimes, since of my FAE, you know? usually pretty sweet and affable but sometimes also fragile and not always quite able to deal with the big wild world too well. Actually, at one time in my twenties I was doing pretty well for awhile and my apartment was a bit like a vivarium, I think =;)
blather blather blather,
luff,
mars
> Aw, thanks for checking in.
>
> You OK?? Sounds a nightmare if you had to go to the hospital.. I know hospitals are very different here... let us know you're OK though..
>
> nikki x
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