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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by NikkiT2 on March 1, 2001, at 13:27:00
Recently I have been getting more asnd more suicidal... Not really serious, nit like I'm going to do it right now, but over the past week I''ve been thinking about guns. I'm in the UK, and guns are *really* hard to get here, and I know no-one that even has one. Private owning of hand guns is basically illegal, aqnd it's very hard to get a liscence even for a shot gun. The only hand guns can be used is at shotting ranges. Yes, we obviously still have gun crimes, and people do get shot.. but my point is gun owning is pretty rare.
Anyway, Iw as thinking how if I was in the US I would very likely be dead by now. Getting a gun and shotting myself through my forehead seems so damned easy... What if I could have got a gun at these times. So much easier than the other two simplest ways.
This is just a ramble - sorry!!
Nikki
Posted by judy1 on March 1, 2001, at 15:54:58
In reply to Guns stuff... might be inflamatory, posted by NikkiT2 on March 1, 2001, at 13:27:00
Hi Nikki,
Sounds like you're having some suicidal ideation going on, the so-called common cold symptoms of major depression. Do you have a therp you can vent some of this with? I think about it all the time too, more drug ODing though. I guess I always thought that guns were the choice of men. Anyway you don't sound like you're in a good place right now, so if you can contact your therp that would be great. Let me know how things go. Take care, Judy
Posted by Noa on March 1, 2001, at 16:23:29
In reply to Re: Guns stuff... might be inflamatory » NikkiT2, posted by judy1 on March 1, 2001, at 15:54:58
Nikki, I'm concerned, like Judy is. You mentioned that your pdoc wanted you to consider hospitalization. Maybe that would be a good idea, if you are having suicidal thoughts so much.
And yes, I think what you said is one of the reasons I believe in gun control laws--they are such a danger because of those kinds of impulses, whether to harm self or others.
Posted by NikkiT2 on March 1, 2001, at 16:41:13
In reply to Re: Guns stuff... might be inflamatory, posted by Noa on March 1, 2001, at 16:23:29
I'm seeing pdoc in the morning...
Judy - I do think about pills, but you can't od on effexor, and the only other thing I have enough of it codiene and not sure fo that wold be painful or anything!!! (Yes, I'm weird!!)
Nikki
Posted by Dubya on March 1, 2001, at 16:48:25
In reply to Guns stuff... might be inflamatory, posted by NikkiT2 on March 1, 2001, at 13:27:00
:-( sorry to hear that. I really hope you feel better. It's hard to believe maybe at this time but, there is still hope that you can come out of your depression, just have to find something that will heal it. Easier said than done, but for example, a good love-life perhaps would help you. I think your soul needs healing, possibly most of which could take time to do on your own. Perhaps, get a pet like a dog (lots of work) but, can really make you feel good because, you will realize that the dog needs you, it will love you and perhaps even make you realize that you aren't the cause of your depression. I hope I have been of some help. Don't think about hurting yourself okay, eventhough you have thought about it, plz don't.
Posted by ksvt on March 1, 2001, at 17:18:08
In reply to Re: Guns stuff... might be inflamatory, posted by NikkiT2 on March 1, 2001, at 16:41:13
> Nikki - I know this will really sound strange but I think your notions of killing yourself by gun are really a positive way for you to keep from doing anything impulsively. I too have considered shooting myself alot - no other method seems quite as fool proof. But altho I live in the US, I don't consider guns all that easily accessible particularly for someone who isn't familiar with them and has never been in a gunshop. I've tried to visualize myself alot going through the process of purchasing one, and I can never see it as easy. I figure that as long as i consider that to be the most feasible way, and as long as I don't have a gun at my disposable, I'm relatively safe. The most frightening time for me was the day I actually started thinking of ODing. It's like I lost my safety net. These are extremely difficult thoughts to deal with and not easily controllable. However, I think you may have established a system, however inadequate, to protect yourself, which tells me that this is maybe something you really don't want to do right now. If you feel that you can't control this or that you start giving serious consideration to other more accessible methods, then you should really maybe consider the hospitalization alternative. Keep posting. K
Posted by judy1 on March 1, 2001, at 17:43:03
In reply to Re: Guns stuff... might be inflamatory, posted by NikkiT2 on March 1, 2001, at 16:41:13
I'm seeing pdoc in the morning...
That's great! And no you are not weird, your brain is just focused on negative thoughts and that's why you need to be reminded how precious your life is. Take care, Judy
Posted by NikkiT2 on March 2, 2001, at 12:42:31
In reply to Re: Guns stuff... might be inflamatory, posted by Dubya on March 1, 2001, at 16:48:25
I would adore a dog - but I live in a smal flat (apartment to you americans!!) and can't have one... I do have 4 lizards though!! LOL
I'm also married - only 15 months into amrried life, and we've ahd some rough patches (mainly caused by my depression!) but things are really turning roiund right now...
I'm trying my current cure all - hot steaming hot chocolate!!!
Nikki x
Posted by NikkiT2 on March 2, 2001, at 12:51:13
In reply to Re: Guns stuff... might be inflamatory » NikkiT2, posted by ksvt on March 1, 2001, at 17:18:08
Excellent - you know exactly what I mean... It does seem the only real option for me right now,a dnit is probably good that it is.. its keeping me from obsessing on other things. I ave thought about od'ing (I have a hidden secret stash of codiene) but it dopesn't seem right - too long, and could be painful. My perfect "ideation" is a heroin overdose... but getting it would involve going to friends that probably care too much to let me have it - even though I have one serious unky frienmd who might just do *anything* for some money.
i would like to reassure everyone I am not oging to anyof these things right now.. it's just kind of planning if that makes sense.
Nikki x
Posted by CarolynAnn on March 3, 2001, at 19:25:59
In reply to Re: Guns stuff... might be inflamatory » ksvt, posted by NikkiT2 on March 2, 2001, at 12:51:13
> Excellent - you know exactly what I mean... It does seem the only real option for me right now,a dnit is probably good that it is.. its keeping me from obsessing on other things. I ave thought about od'ing (I have a hidden secret stash of codiene) but it dopesn't seem right - too long, and could be painful. My perfect "ideation" is a heroin overdose... but getting it would involve going to friends that probably care too much to let me have it - even though I have one serious unky frienmd who might just do *anything* for some money.
>
> i would like to reassure everyone I am not oging to anyof these things right now.. it's just kind of planning if that makes sense.
>
> Nikki xNikki...
Planning can be dangerous. Have you talked to your pdoc about this? I worry about you!Love,
Carolyn
Posted by Ted on March 6, 2001, at 10:47:58
In reply to Re: Guns stuff... might be inflamatory » Dubya, posted by NikkiT2 on March 2, 2001, at 12:42:31
Hi Nikki,
I have been married nearly 14 years, and it is never like the storybooks and fairy tales imply. But stick with it, and your hubby can make all the difference in your life -- my wife did for me. It seems like when times are the roughest, the closer we end up.
And the hot chocolate -- it is probably one of the most popular antidepressants available. Use it liberally, especially in the company of good friends, and it will definitely help you feel better. My wife AND my secretary at work swear by it.
Keep yourself safe.
Ted
> I'm also married - only 15 months into amrried life, and we've ahd some rough patches (mainly caused by my depression!) but things are really turning roiund right now...
>
> I'm trying my current cure all - hot steaming hot chocolate!!!
>
> Nikki x
Posted by Adam on March 16, 2001, at 18:46:12
In reply to Guns stuff... might be inflamatory, posted by NikkiT2 on March 1, 2001, at 13:27:00
I think it is a common misconception that a gun, or any method of suicide, for that matter, is necessarily "reliable". I can't locate it now, but I once found a very detailed and informative web site devoted to the subject of ending your own life without mishap. Making certain beyond a doubt that you will be successful, and will not wind up, instead, maimed, mutilated and in an extended period of excruciating pain, with a life of physical debilitation to look forward to, is actually very difficult to do. An alarming number of people who try suicide fail, despite doing horrific injury to themselves, with devastating and permanent results to add to their misery (one of the biggest groups of such survivors, I believe, was those with self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the head).
This is not to say, of course, that success would not be, in itself, a devastating blow to anyone who knows or cares about you. It is a common misconception among the depressed that there is no one who gives a damn if we live or die, or that those who might will be better off without us in the long run. In the vast majority of cases, that is most untrue.
I had two ideas of my own: One, to drive my car as fast as I could into a concrete barrier, and the second, to wander off into the mountains to watch a winter sunset before freezing to death.
With the latter, I actually set out one day for Franconia Notch, in NH, full backpack and everything, to hike up Mt. Lafayette and watch the sun setting behind the Kinsman Ridge before the cold took me. Then I thought about a man, a doctor, who I had seen on television, a survivor of the terrible accident on Mt. Everest a few years ago. He was a surgeon, I believe. Much of his hands and feet were gone, as well as his nose and other parts of his face. He was horribly disfigured by frostbite, and more than a bit rueful about what he had lost as a professional and as a man for the thrill of adventure. His greatest misgiving was nearly abandoning his family. This was all, of course, after the fact. I imagine before the storm hit, he was thinking about other things. I didn't want to end up like this guy...perhaps rescued before the cold killed me, or perhaps after a change of heart, descending the mountain in agony, my necrotic appendages to be amputated later to leave me even more bereft. I hiked up to the tree line, gazed with emptyness at the cliffs on Canon Mountain, and went back home.
Then there was the car. I got close. I really did. I had it up to about 110, maybe more. The whole damn car shook at that speed. The lines in the road were whipping by way too fast. It wasn't like I thought it would be, racing like a bullet, tracing a graceful arc across the lanes into a widened gap in the median divider, a thick, solid wedge of concrete. This felt out of control. I was already shaking before I hit the accelerator, and now everything was. I was just plain terrified. I could see all kinds of bad things happening...limbs being shorn off, ejection from the drivers seat into the opposite side of the Mass. Pike, only to get run over by a truck or something, blood, guts, glass shards, fire. The car hit some sort of uneven patch in the road, and though I don't think I would have been in danger of losing control, the speed amplified the effect, the suprise of the jolt brought my heart up in my throat...I made a quick jerk one way out of instinct, heard a screech, and jammed on the brakes, the car literally hopping a bit and squealing some more as I went for the shoulder. I rolled to a stop and just lost it. I was in hell. I wanted the world's biggest bomb to just explode underneath me and have it be over. I reversed direction at the next exit, drove home, got on the T, and checked myself in at Mass. General.
This is what suicide is like. It's the worst. Before you even get near this, call your doctor. Go to the hospital. Get a friend or loved one to go with you, if you can. You won't be sorry. If constant ideation and planning goes too far, you may be in for a world of pain, and you need to get help, OK? Thank you for listening.
Adam
P.S. I read just a few months ago in a periodical the tributes of a number of mountain enthusiasts who knew a particular man, one of the Northeast's most avid hikers, who had frozen to death by choice on the very same mountain as I had thought of dying on. I guess he hiked over the ridge to gaze eastward, for what reason I don't know, but the story sent chills down my spine. Some explicit mention of the true nature of his illness, or the absurdity of his actions, was infuriatingly absent, but these were tributes, I suppose, and the writers were focusing on fonder memories. The disappointment, if not obvious grief these people felt at not being able to share their time with this person again was palpable, though. He left a wife who loved the mountains as much as himself, and now must climb without him.
> Recently I have been getting more asnd more suicidal... Not really serious, nit like I'm going to do it right now, but over the past week I''ve been thinking about guns. I'm in the UK, and guns are *really* hard to get here, and I know no-one that even has one. Private owning of hand guns is basically illegal, aqnd it's very hard to get a liscence even for a shot gun. The only hand guns can be used is at shotting ranges. Yes, we obviously still have gun crimes, and people do get shot.. but my point is gun owning is pretty rare.
>
> Anyway, Iw as thinking how if I was in the US I would very likely be dead by now. Getting a gun and shotting myself through my forehead seems so damned easy... What if I could have got a gun at these times. So much easier than the other two simplest ways.
>
> This is just a ramble - sorry!!
>
> Nikki
Posted by pandora on March 18, 2001, at 0:06:41
In reply to Some thoughts on doing yourself in..., posted by Adam on March 16, 2001, at 18:46:12
> >...the suprise of the jolt brought my heart up in my throat...I made a quick jerk one way out of instinct, heard a screech, and jammed on the brakes, the car literally hopping a bit and squealing some more as I went for the shoulder...
It's amazing how powerful the human instinct is to stay alive even after attempting to end it all...
Posted by Noa on March 19, 2001, at 7:57:39
In reply to Some thoughts on doing yourself in..., posted by Adam on March 16, 2001, at 18:46:12
And then there is Alexy (sorry--may be spelling the name wrong) in Anna Karenina--tried to shoot himself --unsuccessfully--when Anna chooses to stay with her husband after giving birth to her daughter (with Alexy).
This is the end of the thread.
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