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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by elderweissblue on May 28, 2001, at 20:10:42
Scared. I losing all ability to experince joy. Iam not suicidal, I dont want to harm myself-- but Iam starting to feel disconnected from all things. This is making me paranoid and a sadness that goes beyond sadness, rather a deadness. Its like Iam so serious, cutting down to the source of seriousness. I feel so dead now. I cant seem to fight it. I hate it. But iam afraid soon that I wont even care anyway about doing anything about it. Its like there is no hope though I know there should be, I just dont feel any hope. I have absolutely no direction in life and lack motivation to have one. Whats happening to me? The fear is the only thing is that keeping me alive. Please help me, please!
Posted by Phil on May 28, 2001, at 21:32:56
In reply to DYING?, posted by elderweissblue on May 28, 2001, at 20:10:42
elderweissblue,
Are you still taking the Celexa? Have you considered what Cam mentioned in response to your question on PBabble?
The only thing I can offer you is the fact that I have spent a lot of time in the trenches that you are currently in. Try taking it one day at a time and not to project too far into the future. I know how hard it is. I have a really stubborn case of treatment resistant depression and feel what you just described on a daily basis.
There are meds that will help and counseling is great for coming to grips with these demons.
Fear=False Evidence Appearing Real.
Make you a deal...I will pull for you if you will do the same for me!!
You are not alone.
Posted by Willow on May 28, 2001, at 22:04:52
In reply to Re: DYING?, posted by Phil on May 28, 2001, at 21:32:56
When I'm sinking I make lists. Very simple ones like feed the dog or for yourself maybe check out wardrobe for job interviews. Or you could put one simple thing that needs to be done around the house, whatever. It really feels good to get the thing done.
It does get better!
Willow
Posted by elderweissblue on May 29, 2001, at 18:14:12
In reply to Re: DYING?, posted by Willow on May 28, 2001, at 22:04:52
Iam trying to survive. tonight the aloneness is unbearable. tommorow Ill be prescribed celexa by my psych and Iam scared of taking it but it seems I have little choice to try it. I dont want to live like this. Its so opressive. I want it to stop now. I hope this medication will do something for me, what if it does nothing, thats another scary thought. I go from anxiousness with chronic boredom to depression. Then sometimes iam ok in the sense that Iam surviving. Iam angry at myself because iam such faliure in life, so many people who post have all these interesting jobs or are married. Iam alone, except for my dad. I cant connect to people. I feel so different so alien. I want my life to change, Ive been like this for so long, Iam 34 now. I have survived by getting lost in my thoughts. I laugh at my own pain alot, my only release, my only pleasure. My psych gave me zyprexa for this but Iam not taking it anymore. Now she wants to give me celexa instead.
Iam so tired, so tired, of continuing. I cant achieve goals, no job, I have no motivation to do much but walk about in a daze.
Posted by Phil on May 29, 2001, at 22:16:22
In reply to Re: DYING?, posted by elderweissblue on May 29, 2001, at 18:14:12
When you're depressed, which is nothing to feel ashamed of, it seems like the whole world's got it going on and you are the only one that's hurting.
Your perception is distorted by the depression. I feel very sure that while you are making these assumptions about others, someone is thinking the same about you.
When you and your doc find the right med, the world will look, and you will feel, totally different.
Good luck.
Posted by Waterlily on May 30, 2001, at 7:15:50
In reply to Re: DYING?, posted by Phil on May 28, 2001, at 21:32:56
> Fear=False Evidence Appearing Real.
That's a quote from "Conversations With God" by Neal Donald Walsch. Great books. Have you found them to be helpful with your problems?
Posted by Phil on May 30, 2001, at 20:26:20
In reply to Re: DYING? - To Phil, posted by Waterlily on May 30, 2001, at 7:15:50
Never read his books...quote has been around Al-Anon for some time. I think that's where I picked it up.
I'll look into his books though..thanks.Phil
Posted by Thrud on June 1, 2001, at 9:27:15
In reply to Re: DYING?, posted by elderweissblue on May 29, 2001, at 18:14:12
Hi Elderweissblue.
I can relate to much of what you are saying. On paper I seem fairly similar to you: 32, SINGLE, unfulfilling yet demanding job. Don't think that everyone on this board has a cherry life; it is for people with mental illness you know! :-) And that includes me.
When I went through periods of disconnection and hopelessness (I suffer chronic anxiety and depresion)it was usually from three circumstances: 1) I was unmedicated, 2)I was adjusting to a new medication or 3) the medication was not right for me. So I guess for me it is a question of finding the right medication. After 10 years I have only been partially successful, but that is no excuse to stop trying. I don't know your diagnosis, but if you suffer a psychosis, there are several newer "atypical" drugs which are apparently pretty good. You may find that one of them suits you, if you can withstand the strain of changing medications regularly until that happens.
I think Celexa is an SSRI and this class of drug may suit you. If Celexa doesn't work, I recommend trying a different class of antidepressant rather than another SSRI. It has been my personal experience that for different drugs in the same class you might gain a little here, lose a little there, but on the whole are fairly similar. I found this espescially true of the SSRIs (and I have used a lot of them). One thing that concerns me a bit about using an SSRI for you is that they have a tendency to flatten emotions in many people, myself included. I was unable to experience much joy on SSRIs, I was not depressed either, more neutral and apathetic. I thought it was untreated depression until I heard that so many other people felt the same. I am now taking an SSNRI called Remeron and my full (normal?) range of emotions has returned. It seems to me that you need (and deserve) to experience full emotional range again,especially joy. Having said this, everyone is different and Celexa may be great for you. Give it a try.
Don't beat yourself up over suffering mental illness. The truth is you didn't ask for or deserve it. None of us asked for the hand of cards we were dealt, we just have to play them as best we can. Many of us with mental illness don't get a 'happy ever after' ending, but sometimes it's the journey that matters, not the destination...if you know what I mean..(?).
Sorry about getting all philosophical, but this is the social babble board, so I thought I would babble on.
Best of luck and let us know how you are going.Thrud
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on June 3, 2001, at 1:21:37
In reply to DYING?, posted by elderweissblue on May 28, 2001, at 20:10:42
>
> Scared. I losing all ability to experince joy. Iam not suicidal, I dont want to harm myself-- but Iam starting to feel disconnected from all things. This is making me paranoid and a sadness that goes beyond sadness, rather a deadness. Its like Iam so serious, cutting down to the source of seriousness. I feel so dead now. I cant seem to fight it. I hate it. But iam afraid soon that I wont even care anyway about doing anything about it. Its like there is no hope though I know there should be, I just dont feel any hope. I have absolutely no direction in life and lack motivation to have one. Whats happening to me? The fear is the only thing is that keeping me alive. Please help me, please!Dear elderweissblue,
I hear you, clinical depression is a bitch,
isn't it. Are people pushing you to get
better. Are some people telling you that
you can "think" your way out of depression.
Some people are telling me that about my
illness; I do not know if this is true or
not.Hang in there!
Glenn
Posted by super on June 6, 2001, at 23:32:19
In reply to Re: DYING?, posted by Glenn Fagelson on June 3, 2001, at 1:21:37
I've been there too. I think that deadening is worse than anything else that could happen to you. Once you realize that, you give yourself freedom to do whatever you want because nothing really matters--and then you'll start to feel joy again before you know it. Do something crazy. Don't secondguess yourself. Just do what feels good, no matter what others think.
> >
> > Scared. I losing all ability to experince joy. Iam not suicidal, I dont want to harm myself-- but Iam starting to feel disconnected from all things. This is making me paranoid and a sadness that goes beyond sadness, rather a deadness. Its like Iam so serious, cutting down to the source of seriousness. I feel so dead now. I cant seem to fight it. I hate it. But iam afraid soon that I wont even care anyway about doing anything about it. Its like there is no hope though I know there should be, I just dont feel any hope. I have absolutely no direction in life and lack motivation to have one. Whats happening to me? The fear is the only thing is that keeping me alive. Please help me, please!
>
> Dear elderweissblue,
> I hear you, clinical depression is a bitch,
> isn't it. Are people pushing you to get
> better. Are some people telling you that
> you can "think" your way out of depression.
> Some people are telling me that about my
> illness; I do not know if this is true or
> not.
>
> Hang in there!
> Glenn
>
Posted by Wendy B. on June 10, 2001, at 22:41:57
In reply to Re: DYING?, posted by elderweissblue on May 29, 2001, at 18:14:12
> Iam trying to survive. tonight the aloneness is unbearable. tommorow Ill be prescribed celexa by my psych and Iam scared of taking it but it seems I have little choice to try it. I dont want to live like this. Its so opressive. I want it to stop now. I hope this medication will do something for me, what if it does nothing, thats another scary thought. I go from anxiousness with chronic boredom to depression. Then sometimes iam ok in the sense that Iam surviving. Iam angry at myself because iam such faliure in life, so many people who post have all these interesting jobs or are married. Iam alone, except for my dad. I cant connect to people. I feel so different so alien. I want my life to change, Ive been like this for so long, Iam 34 now. I have survived by getting lost in my thoughts. I laugh at my own pain alot, my only release, my only pleasure. My psych gave me zyprexa for this but Iam not taking it anymore. Now she wants to give me celexa instead.
> Iam so tired, so tired, of continuing. I cant achieve goals, no job, I have no motivation to do much but walk about in a daze.
Dear Elderweissblue,Please give us an update, we haven't heard from you since this post on 5/29... Is the Celexa doing anything for you yet? How have things been?
A concerned & hopeful,
Wendy B.
This is the end of the thread.
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