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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by dreamer on July 18, 2001, at 8:04:23
My mother is a mental violent alchoholic she mentally abused me for a long time I lived in constant anxiety.
She made me feel guilty that when I was born she got ill+ my father and brother left. I was left alone with her and her drunken paranioa and I may be wrong but I may have been sexually abused by her.
If that wasn't enough she married someone who was nuts got ill took years to die and the graphic details are so nightmarish to write. This just a snippet of my crap childhood anyway from being withdrawn I got angry now I have no love or respect for her.
How do I tell her I've had enough-she pulls me down makes me feel bad about myself I know it's bad but I've even fantasied about killing her.
Without the anger how can I do it?
I thought I'd got her out of my life but got a "nice" letter today asking to phone shall I call her or leave it.
This I should be able to sort out for myself but I'm not to perky at the mo.
Posted by paula on July 18, 2001, at 9:49:54
In reply to How can I tell my mother leave me alone, posted by dreamer on July 18, 2001, at 8:04:23
Dear Dreamer,
Your mom has put you through a lot of crap that you don't deserve. None of it is your fault, of course. Sounds really healthy to me that you've gotten angry! I agree, though, that it would be best to send a calm response to her--both so she can't write it off and so you can feel "good" about it.
First a methodological idea: You could try to just write whatever you're feeling and just what you want her to do, and then revise and revise and revise until it's not vitriolic.
The second idea is both less and more tricky. Less because it might be hard to de-fang an angry letter and more because it involves some vulnerability. Basically, I'm suggesting a letter that is completely honest about you and about her. I'll give a sample of what I mean (making some assumptions about what you're feeling--please forgive those!):
Dear Mom,
Your recent kind letter has confused me a bit. Nothing would please me more than to have a close relationship with my mother. Unfortunately you made this impossible a long time ago. Perhaps it was your own insecurities that drove you--that continue to drive you--to pull me down. If so, I'm sorry for that. Understand that you've torn up your "parenting card" and there's no way to put things to right. etc, etc....That's the basic idea. Just a rough sketch, of course! Maybe if you mix your rejection of her with some honesty and vulnerability you can short-circuit any bad response. Just my 2 (10?) cents.
Sending warm vibes your way. Hope this works out.
Paula
> My mother is a mental violent alchoholic she mentally abused me for a long time I lived in constant anxiety.
> She made me feel guilty that when I was born she got ill+ my father and brother left. I was left alone with her and her drunken paranioa and I may be wrong but I may have been sexually abused by her.
> If that wasn't enough she married someone who was nuts got ill took years to die and the graphic details are so nightmarish to write. This just a snippet of my crap childhood anyway from being withdrawn I got angry now I have no love or respect for her.
> How do I tell her I've had enough-she pulls me down makes me feel bad about myself I know it's bad but I've even fantasied about killing her.
> Without the anger how can I do it?
> I thought I'd got her out of my life but got a "nice" letter today asking to phone shall I call her or leave it.
> This I should be able to sort out for myself but I'm not to perky at the mo.
Posted by Anna Laura on July 18, 2001, at 11:35:38
In reply to How can I tell my mother leave me alone, posted by dreamer on July 18, 2001, at 8:04:23
> My mother is a mental violent alchoholic she mentally abused me for a long time I lived in constant anxiety.
> She made me feel guilty that when I was born she got ill+ my father and brother left. I was left alone with her and her drunken paranioa and I may be wrong but I may have been sexually abused by her.
> If that wasn't enough she married someone who was nuts got ill took years to die and the graphic details are so nightmarish to write. This just a snippet of my crap childhood anyway from being withdrawn I got angry now I have no love or respect for her.
> How do I tell her I've had enough-she pulls me down makes me feel bad about myself I know it's bad but I've even fantasied about killing her.
> Without the anger how can I do it?
> I thought I'd got her out of my life but got a "nice" letter today asking to phone shall I call her or leave it.
> This I should be able to sort out for myself but I'm not to perky at the mo.Sounds exactly like my mother: i used to have the same problem. I need more clues to answer though.
Is your mother self-aware of her problem? Mine isn't. She still lies and gives excuses for her discomfort. (i.e. I'm gonna drink a little bit of vodka because is good for my haedache).
She is in total denial. Sometimes she can't even walk or talk properly and justify that by saying she's got low-blood pressure.She is so messed up that i often wondered wether her drinking problem was just the tip of the iceberg of a much bigger problem. I always hated her, but during a particular moment in my life, i began telling myself that perhaps i was giving her the wrong attitude, that i might have tried to understand her, etc....So i reached out for her. It was good for just one week, right after that she started all over again (alchol,verbal abuse, mental cruelty and so on).
I tried desperately to get in touch with her, but she would reject me ; the truth is that she might suffer from some kind of mental illness.I never understood her and she's still a mistery to me.
I haven't been seeing her for seven years since then, last month we met because of her mother's funeral, and she would act as nothing had happened, as if we had been in touch al these years; her first words were: "Hi honey! How are you?". We went back to her house after the funeral and she started to drink a liquor she made herself made of lemon juice and pure alchol which was strong as hell.
Do you remember Bette Devis in the movie "Who killed Baby Jane?" that's how she looks.
I was never able to decipher her mind.
Is that the same with your mom?
If it's so, a letter wouldn't help at all. I guess it'd be better for you to try
all kinds of ways to reach out for her as i did. The best attitude is to face her by telling the bare truth. If it doesn't work, well, just walk away and never look back.
Posted by dreamer on July 18, 2001, at 16:51:05
In reply to Re: How can I tell my mother leave me alone, posted by paula on July 18, 2001, at 9:49:54
Hi Paula
Thanks for your reply.
Feel so childish about being indecisive it actually helped to write the post.
Decided to write a brief letter , cold and formal.
I've had enough of it she feeds off upsetting me to make her feel good.
Once again -thanks:)
Posted by dreamer on July 18, 2001, at 17:30:44
In reply to Re: How can I tell my mother leave me alone, posted by Anna Laura on July 18, 2001, at 11:35:38
Hi Anna
Seems our lives have been marred with similar problem.
Feeling better now. Decided to write her a brief cold letter.
I used to have a drink problem but was always aware that it masked an underlying mental problem, for her generation I suppose mental health is a stigma .Well, I sought help.
She's such a stranger to me, a nuisance. Her mother was the same and the denial is rediculous! I tried to be friends especially when I drank but saw my future in her nasty face -frightning.
Life can only get better for us , thanks for replying.
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