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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by akc on November 29, 2001, at 16:15:07
As I read everyone's posts here lately, I find myself almost writing what I will here -- then I don't because I don't want to take up his or her space with my complaint. Then I don't write at all. But I digress.
I cannot decide if I am depressed or just unhappy. I have had some good weeks strung together (definitely not depressed). But for the past month or so, I have been in a yucky space. I just don't like me or my life. I get teary at times -- so I start thinking I am depressed. But at other times, I can be laughing my head off (last night, my hair dresser had me rolling). And so I think, well you can't be that depressed, you wouldn't be having this much fun.
I have lots of thoughts of cutting (serious), some of drinking (fleeting), and some of suicide (between serious and fleeting). The pathetic state of my life just overwhelms me at time. But I know an outsider would not view my life as pathetic. I have a decent job (that I have grown to despise these past few weeks). I have a nice house. I have good friends. I have a good family (now -- that is only been over the past few years). But I am desperately lonely. I live alone. I have never been in a serious, intimate relationship. I haven't had sex in years (though, since being on these lovely cocktails for 2+ years, I don't miss the sex -- just the intimacy).
Compared to my "D"epressions, this is nothing like them. But I just am horribly unhappy. Someone in AA last week said that nothing was promised that we would be happy all the time. And he is so right. But in the past, oh, 6 weeks, I think last night was one of the few times I had even a moment of happiness. And over the past year, I have just had a few weeks strung here or there.
I'm not suicidal (today). Though the question also pops into my head -- Can you be suicidal without being depressed?
I don't know. I haven't posted much in awhile. I have group therapy tonight. I would like to talk there, but I always feel I hog too much time.
That's all.
akc
Posted by akc on November 29, 2001, at 16:55:15
In reply to Depressed or Not Depressed, posted by akc on November 29, 2001, at 16:15:07
And, at the next moment, I am angry, sad, suicidal. Because I can't seem to figure out my work, posts on this board, and being so constantly tired. Will I laugh in 10 minutes? So confusing.
Posted by mgrueni on November 29, 2001, at 17:30:29
In reply to Depressed or Not Depressed, posted by akc on November 29, 2001, at 16:15:07
Hi Akc, long time not seen :o)
< I cannot decide if I am depressed or just unhappy. >I can`t decide that, either. But I can provide my *outsider* view on things.
I`ve noticed that you
a) think you are not as *worthwhile* to get help as others are. You wrote:< I don't want to take up his or her space with my complaint >
May I comment that? You have the same right as everyone else to complain/whine/seek help. All of us are sometimes in a *good* condition and we then feel fit enough to help others, and sometimes we are down and need someone to help us. That`s natural. I can very much relate to your feelings, I too find myself thinking I am a *burden* for my friends/family and/or that I am taking up the space that is reserved for others (who are worse than I am). But that`s just not true!
b)you seem very confused whether your condition is an illness or just a bad mood.
Tell you what, that`s also not news to me.
Itīs the (for me) most disturbing part of depression - the *rollercoaster* thingy. Whenever I feel ok, might it be for an hour or several weeks in a row, I always ask myself if I perhaps just *imagine* having an illness. Similar thoughts as you have described go round my head.
"I wouldnīt be able to laugh or to feel happy if I was depressed." "hey, I was just telling a joke, so that means I canīt be depressed really, can I?".If you ask me, you can. I am not an expert on this issue but as far as I am concerned there are various types of depression and many suffer similar symptoms as you do. I have seen people going off their meds because they felt ok for a few weeks and thought they never were really ill. And then they had a serious breakdown :o(
Akc, please don`t do that. I don`t know you well enough to be able to say whether you are depressed or not, but it *sounds* like you are. And I notice significant similarities to my own emotions (and Iīve been finally diagnosed with depression two days ago - but I *knew* it much longer) and also similarities to many *confirmed* depressees that I am in touch with. Believe me, it`s not that uncommon to wonder if you are just oversensitive and taking your bad emotions too serious. Itīs also natural to look for *proofs* that you are NOT ill.Well, I would say, take the good times as they may come. You deserve it. And donīt feel guilty for having a good time! Itīs ok, you CAN be depressed but yet be able to smile - if that was not so, the rate of cases of depressed people comitting suicide would be much higher than it already is.
And, you CAN ask for help, ramble as much as you want to whenever you want to. This board is for mutual support if I remember that right, and it`s nice to help others, but it needs people that ask for support as well to actually develop a *discussion*. :o)Take care,
Micha
Posted by Dinah on November 29, 2001, at 17:56:37
In reply to Depressed or Not Depressed, posted by akc on November 29, 2001, at 16:15:07
I always have that problem too - not knowing whether I am unhappy enough to be considered depressed. That's one reason I so enjoyed Caroline Kettlewell's book "Skin Game" - she remembers doing a lot of ruminating on the subject of whether her life was too mundane for her to call herself depressed. I'm not sure it matters what you call it, it feels the same.
Whatever it is, you certainly have every right to talk about it. I hope you feel free to talk about it with your group tonight, and please don't hesitate to post here.
Have you talked to your pdoc about the self injury and suicidal ruminations? Perhaps some med tweaking is in order. Are you having trouble resisting the cutting thoughts (if you don't mind my asking)? I'm having trouble with that myself right now. Perhaps we could help each other come up with a list of reasons why it is worth the energy it takes to resist the urges.
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on December 2, 2001, at 18:58:23
In reply to Depressed or Not Depressed, posted by akc on November 29, 2001, at 16:15:07
> As I read everyone's posts here lately, I find myself almost writing what I will here -- then I don't because I don't want to take up his or her space with my complaint. Then I don't write at all. But I digress.
>
> I cannot decide if I am depressed or just unhappy. I have had some good weeks strung together (definitely not depressed). But for the past month or so, I have been in a yucky space. I just don't like me or my life. I get teary at times -- so I start thinking I am depressed. But at other times, I can be laughing my head off (last night, my hair dresser had me rolling). And so I think, well you can't be that depressed, you wouldn't be having this much fun.
>
> I have lots of thoughts of cutting (serious), some of drinking (fleeting), and some of suicide (between serious and fleeting). The pathetic state of my life just overwhelms me at time. But I know an outsider would not view my life as pathetic. I have a decent job (that I have grown to despise these past few weeks). I have a nice house. I have good friends. I have a good family (now -- that is only been over the past few years). But I am desperately lonely. I live alone. I have never been in a serious, intimate relationship. I haven't had sex in years (though, since being on these lovely cocktails for 2+ years, I don't miss the sex -- just the intimacy).
>
> Compared to my "D"epressions, this is nothing like them. But I just am horribly unhappy. Someone in AA last week said that nothing was promised that we would be happy all the time. And he is so right. But in the past, oh, 6 weeks, I think last night was one of the few times I had even a moment of happiness. And over the past year, I have just had a few weeks strung here or there.
>
> I'm not suicidal (today). Though the question also pops into my head -- Can you be suicidal without being depressed?
>
> I don't know. I haven't posted much in awhile. I have group therapy tonight. I would like to talk there, but I always feel I hog too much time.
>
> That's all.
>
> akcDear akc,
It sounds like you are depressed and feeling like things are hopeless. How is your
sleep and appetite? I hope you feel better real
soon!!
Glenn
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