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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by akc on November 30, 2001, at 17:14:59
I'm just going crazy -- I'm getting work done -- barely. I had to get so many hours billed to day (last day of the month and all). So I could look the partner responsible for my review in the face on Monday and ask for a certain amount of money next year. I am going to get a cut in pay, but I am trying to minimize it. Don't worry -- I'm a lawyer and I know my rights under ADA and FMLA -- I want the cut -- I don't want to keep up with the Jones anymore. I am unable to do so, and they don't have to pay you if you are unable to do the job. But I am rambling.
I still hate my life. I wonder if I always will. I am really tired. I know, I have said that in how many posts in the past 24 hours? I'm scared to go home -- I am certain I am going to cut tonight. A part of me has made that decision. I has been almost 9 months. I had done so well. But I just can't stand how I am feeling. Yes, it is temporary -- but better temporary than not at all. I gotta do something. I cannot stand what I am feeling. They say you cannot explode -- I think I might.
Oh, the other thing I could do is take my dog's medicine -- I give her xanax for thunderstorms -- that would calm me down. I am tempted. What a hoot -- stealing from my dog. I would rather cut. Sad choices.
akc
Posted by Greg A. on November 30, 2001, at 17:46:48
In reply to Still Hurting, posted by akc on November 30, 2001, at 17:14:59
akc - take the Xanax. You and the dog can ride out the storm.
What are you feeling? You say you feel you are going to explode? Is it anxiety or something else?
I never would have thought I could cut myself until I did it once. Just once. Wrist. Not bad, but lots of blood. No one even knew. I did it at the office and then just wrapped a towel around it and walked out the door. Long sleeved shirts for awhile.
Do your partners know about your illness? I found that when I went 'public'at my office it was a relief. I could drop the phony strong front. It's amazing what I can get away with now. I should say that I am pretty diligent and do not miss much work time. I think because of that and because I was up front about depression, i get special treatment. There are a few who don't sit near me any more but that suits me.
Tell me a bit more about how you are feeling - and don't worry, the dog will forgive you for robbing him.Greg
Posted by akc on November 30, 2001, at 19:07:41
In reply to Re: Still Hurting, posted by Greg A. on November 30, 2001, at 17:46:48
I just checked the xanax supply -- it is really low.
Work sorta knows. My hours suffer because of my illness (I'm an attorney at a major law firm -- it is all about billable hours). They know it is related to my illness and my meds. But they do not know about the day to day struggles I can have.
I've cut plenty in the past. Tend to do it places where it is pretty hidden -- no swimsuits, though. Not a problem with all the weigh I carry -- haven't done a swimsuit in about 6 years.
I stopped on the way home to pick up dinner. Someone ordered a bud light -- my cheap beer of choice. I thought I was past my drinking. The last round (in May) was not pretty. But if the liquor store had been next door to the restaurant, I would have bought something. Luckily, I had to drive and that gave me enough time to come to my senses.
I just feel I need to act. That I cannot sit with whatever is causing this pain. It is like a storm in my head -- and then I get surges of anxiety -- really intense. For those moments, I do feel like I will explode.
I don't know. I am not safe. I won't go to the hospital -- it is not that type of unsafe. It is the cutting/drinking/taking something I shouldn't unsafe. All poor coping skills unsafe.
I have made a deal with myself that I will call my T before I act out. But I also fear that she might somehow convince me to not act out. That she somehow has this power to control my actions. That's crazy -- we have been working on trust, but I don't want to trust her right now. I just want to feel better.
I don't even make sense to myself.
akc
Posted by Greg A. on December 1, 2001, at 2:03:36
In reply to Re: Still Hurting » Greg A., posted by akc on November 30, 2001, at 19:07:41
Hi akc,
I am so sorry to hear you feeling so bad. I wish I had some wise advice for you that would result in immediate relief. But I don't . . . and I feel badly. Can you and I just suffer together for awhile and not do anything crazy?
I am having a bad time as well. My med cocktail for depression was starting to fail me. I had a pdoc appointment 2 weeks ago and asked to try zyprexa. I noticed within days that my mood hd improved. I called my docs office to ask for more free samples, or for a prescr. She didn't return my call and my second call got the receptionist who said no doc. until Friday. Finally got hold of her today and she phoned in prescr. My wife forgot to pick it up. I told wife that I would go get it cause I was starting to feel really shitty but she said she was at the gym and would be a simple matter to pick it up. Now pharmacy is closed. So - let's suffer together for a short while and hope for better times.Greg
Posted by Greg A. on December 1, 2001, at 2:08:01
In reply to Re: Still Hurting » Greg A., posted by akc on November 30, 2001, at 19:07:41
Hey akc, ever try something other than xanax for anxiety? Besides drinking? If you think anxiety may be a major cause of your scrambled thoughts and pain, maybe we could talk. For me anxiety, while likely caused by depression, has always been the big weight on my back.
Greg
Posted by KB on December 1, 2001, at 8:17:26
In reply to Still Hurting, posted by akc on November 30, 2001, at 17:14:59
I know that feeling of wanting to do something, anything, to make the pain stop - I have cut, taken codeine & benadryl, drunk myself under the table, and stood in the snow in barefeet and a nightgown. All i can say is, try to do the least amount of damage possible. Sometimes doing a really violent painting helps.
Posted by akc on December 1, 2001, at 8:28:20
In reply to PS akc, posted by Greg A. on December 1, 2001, at 2:08:01
I'm not sure what in my cocktail might not be for anxiety. Lithium, topamax, seroquel, effexor xr. Well, I know the effexor is not, because my pdoc is always worrying that it will speed me up too much. But my understanding of what she is after with this mix of mood stabilizers, and the seroquel to help with the distorted thinking, is to balance me since I do get such a mixed state of anxiety and depression. So, no, I am not on anything that directly addresses the anxiety, but I think she is trying to address it through the mix.
By the way, compared to the past, in most ways my anxiety is much, much better. I'm agitated right now. And I am having what I am terming "mini-panincs" -- just intense moments of anxiety, but not full-blown panics.
The wanting to cut, or take xanax or drink, is more than the anxiety. It is also to dissociate from all the feelings I am experiencing right now, I think. I'm in a lot of mental anguish -- it is causing more than just anxiety -- it is causing complete misery. The cutting is such a relief to all of that for me.
I have an assortment of therapists -- my individual therapists and then two for group therapy. My individual T was out last night when I made an emergency call, so I talked to one of my group T's. He had me write him an email on what I am feeling. What happened was interesting. I'm 36 -- and have been alone my entire life (raised in an alcoholic home -- I was alone there also). I think everyone believes that what is triggering this is my mom's terminal illness. Oh, it might be ultimately. But the immediate pain is caused by this horrendous loneliness. And the realization that it is not going to end any time soon, if ever. But maybe that is for another post.
Thanks for talking with me.
akc
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