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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bonnie_ann on January 14, 2002, at 11:26:37
I am married 33 w/one child.
I am socially handcapped. Fearful that some judge me talk badly about me. I am quiet and may appear needy.
I watch and observe and join in occasionally.
I dred meeting new people. I just think that I am not entertaining enough and they will be disapointed and not want to get involved. I am polite, but not free with words and don't like to talk about personal things, cause thats all I do in my head all day.
The weather only gets you so far, gossip is easy- but I don't like to. Seems like everyone is in competition with each other or they put themselves down
or they are horribly superficial.
I hardly ever meet people with the same goals and attitudes my husband and I have.
Work friends are real easy cause you work together and usually you find out more than you want to know about poeple.
But when it comes to meeting my husbands work friends- I hate it. I feel so boring dull and blah. I used to drink which made it easier and not such a big deal.
Now I have no alcohol to hide behind and the medication only helps so far.
He really wants to do this and I just don't have the desire too. I'd rather stay home and watch a movie.
I've been letting my husband in on my insecurity- he thought he was helping by setting up a dinner out.
I don't want to and I'm mad that he is isisting on this.
I am depressed because I just don't want to go and give it a try? I really think that I'm fighting it for more than this reason.
Thanks
Bonnie
Posted by Greg A. on January 14, 2002, at 13:27:28
In reply to Am I depressed or what?, posted by bonnie_ann on January 14, 2002, at 11:26:37
Wow Bonnie! What a great description of something that affects so many of us. Depression and anxiety seem quite often to go hand in hand. You can argue which causes which ad nauseum but it doesn’t much matter. When one is better, often the other is too.
When I go through a period of depression I don’t want to be around people. I have many of the same insecurities that you have described. Rationally, I know I am not the misfit or boring person I think I am, but I can’t seem to get past it in my own head. Guilt is another common feeling. My wife wants to do something and I don’t so I feel guilty. That can add to the depression and anxiety. When she says, “why not try it?” and I do, I get varied results – sometimes it’s okay and I surprise myself while other times I just count the minutes until I can escape. Medication definitely helps me with this. When I am very depressed I fear even having to answer the phone because I will have to have a conversation with someone. My brain will have to function and take in information and respond; something I feel I am not able to do. When I am on meds that are working, I just wonder what all the fuss was about.
Quitting alcohol is tough – we know it can relax us in a social situation, but in the longer term may add to the depression. Good for you for stopping.
What med(s) are you on.
Don’t feel alone in having ‘social problems.’ It’s something many of us deal with. From taking phone calls, to talking to a clerk in a store, to visiting the neighbours. But it can be helped. Tell your husband that you are getting treatment for this problem (and do it!) and that you will let him know when things are good enough for you to be more social.v You are certainly on the right track to involve him in what you are going through.
Greg
Posted by bonnie_ann on January 14, 2002, at 15:41:12
In reply to Re: Am I depressed or what?, posted by Greg A. on January 14, 2002, at 13:27:28
> Greg,
Thank you for responding. I talked with a friend who is depressed and she says yeah thats depression. Not what I wanted to hear.
I currently take 10-15mg Celexa and 100IR Wellbutrin 3x a day. There is a support group I may go to tonight,- I havent been there for 6 months and I have a therapy appt this week.
I think I expect too much from my husband - he has no idea what I'm talking about or how I feel.
I tried to shift the blame on him though- He keeps talking up two woman at work how they are not phony and easy going just like us. I don't do well with women "the judgement thing"- Of course I start that whole neurotic thing. I said to him "Why can't you have any male friends".
Then we fight- he says "I can't stand this jeliously" etc etc etc. Of course my reaction is to run and hide. Cause all the faults we find in each other come out. It hurts. I feel like I have to work twice as hard. We made up but still I'm picking out everything mean that he said and I'm stewing.
But its getting to a point where I have to say let it go, its over - until next time. Each time, I fall on my face it sucks.
Thanks for listening
Bonnie
Posted by Greg A. on January 14, 2002, at 16:06:11
In reply to Re: Am I depressed or what?, posted by bonnie_ann on January 14, 2002, at 15:41:12
Bonnie – I’m getting a real sense that your husband is not particularly good for what ails you. Is there a way to involve him more in trying to overcome your problems, so that the fights are not about you not measuring up? It’s hard for people have never been depressed to relate to what someone is going through. There are lots of books – my wife read a couple of the ones I have and it helped give her s sense of why I am the way I am. I have also taken her to my therapy sessions a few times – with my docs permission. I am not good at communicating when I am down. I forget that I may just sound irritable, and that the underlying cause is not apparent to those close to me. Maybe if your husband knew a bit more about depression and also understood that it is an illness, one that has and does affect many people, he would be more supportive.
Remember- it’s not your fault that you are having problems. If you had the flu and had to stay in bed that would not be your fault. You are depressed and need time and treatment to recover.I hope things work out . . . soon.
Greg
Posted by Krazy Kat on January 14, 2002, at 16:55:07
In reply to Am I depressed or what?, posted by bonnie_ann on January 14, 2002, at 11:26:37
Bonnie:
This sounds like depression to me, too, but keep in mind that some of us, me definitely!!, are naturally shy as well. I have only a few good friends instead of many acquaintances, and I now realize that is actually a good thing.
Forcing yourself out when you really don't want to go has never worked for me. Maybe it does for those who don't have the double whammy - depression and shyness.
I would consider the support group you mentioned - you might find someone you enjoy being with there. Or a church - folks tend to be welcoming there.
I agree with Greg - your hubby doesn't understand what's going on. It took mine @9 years to get it. He can always go out by himself. I'm doing that now that I feel better.
Good luck. It does sound as if you'd benefit from more/different meds.
- KK
Posted by Gracie2 on January 14, 2002, at 20:32:01
In reply to Re: Am I depressed or what? » bonnie_ann, posted by Krazy Kat on January 14, 2002, at 16:55:07
Bonnie-
I pretty much have the same problem with my husband, who is a very social person. I tried to keep up with him but it makes me so miserable to go out when I don't feel like it, I finally stopped doing it. I get "peopled out" pretty fast, and especially after work, I am usually wound up from all the social interaction and need to stay home and relax. I don't want to chat with the neighbor or talk on the phone or go to a bar. My husband is much different. Probably so are most of the people I know. I am definately the odd man out, but that's just the way I'm wired. I don't think I should have to take drugs or drink a lot to force myself into a different mode. I also don't think it's a sin to be comfortable with your own company, although others would have you feel that way.Once, my sister repeated a conversation to me that she had with my aunt, who lived closeby and loved so much to be surrounded by her relatives that she was always having some kind of family get-together. My sister said, "Doesn't it bother you that she doesn't show up for most of these things?" (referring to me, of course) and my aunt said, "No. It only makes it that much more special when she DOES show up." Unfortunately my aunt died from cancer a couple of years ago. Sometimes it seems that only the nasty people stick around forever.
Anyway, I feel like your true friends will adapt to your "quirks" in the same manner and like you as you are. I feel that's the only acceptable stance. Admittedly, it took years for me to realize that I don't have to please everyone. Neither do you.
-Gracie
P.S. I love you, Aunt Judy.
Posted by ST on January 15, 2002, at 3:17:18
In reply to Re: Am I depressed or what?, posted by Gracie2 on January 14, 2002, at 20:32:01
Hi Bonnie,
It seems that once I realized, grasped and accepted that I suffer from depression (and hypomania sometimes)and that I will for the rest of my life, it was a relief. Now that I know it's depression, when it hits, I know what I need and by now my boyfriend knows as well. People may say: "Go out, be social, you may be surprised!". NO. I do not like to be around people or answer the phone when I am depressed. My friends now know that I do not like unexpected visits. My boyfriend knows never to just bring one of the guys home for a beer. I'm anti-social until I don't want to be anymore. Simple as that. I think you can tell your husband what you need when you get down, and that might make him feel less helpless with the whole situation. He probably wants to help and doesn't know how. What helps you - if anything - when you get depressed?
Sarah
>
> Bonnie-
> I pretty much have the same problem with my husband, who is a very social person. I tried to keep up with him but it makes me so miserable to go out when I don't feel like it, I finally stopped doing it. I get "peopled out" pretty fast, and especially after work, I am usually wound up from all the social interaction and need to stay home and relax. I don't want to chat with the neighbor or talk on the phone or go to a bar. My husband is much different. Probably so are most of the people I know. I am definately the odd man out, but that's just the way I'm wired. I don't think I should have to take drugs or drink a lot to force myself into a different mode. I also don't think it's a sin to be comfortable with your own company, although others would have you feel that way.
>
> Once, my sister repeated a conversation to me that she had with my aunt, who lived closeby and loved so much to be surrounded by her relatives that she was always having some kind of family get-together. My sister said, "Doesn't it bother you that she doesn't show up for most of these things?" (referring to me, of course) and my aunt said, "No. It only makes it that much more special when she DOES show up." Unfortunately my aunt died from cancer a couple of years ago. Sometimes it seems that only the nasty people stick around forever.
>
> Anyway, I feel like your true friends will adapt to your "quirks" in the same manner and like you as you are. I feel that's the only acceptable stance. Admittedly, it took years for me to realize that I don't have to please everyone. Neither do you.
>
> -Gracie
> P.S. I love you, Aunt Judy.
Posted by bonnie_ann on January 15, 2002, at 5:33:18
In reply to Re: Am I depressed or what?, posted by ST on January 15, 2002, at 3:17:18
Thanks everyone. I know I'm not feeling right, right now. I am on meds. This particular situation has got me. I think it's more of a power struggle between my husband and I - we are hardly speaking- although he did give me a hug last night. I'm used to him giving in. It's probably a lot other than just going out to dinner and feeling I won't measure up to his female work friends. My relationship with my parents doesn't exsist- she is the only person whom I dred talking to on the phone- she's so phony. Work people are so annoyingly superficially friendly- I mean they all make it a big deal to say hello and ask how I'm doing-I can barely utter a return Hello- I really know they don't really want to know- it's easier to say - Oh - she's in one of her moods again. My sister has a TBI traumatic Brain injury and acts impulsively and is obessive. My father mean and intolerate towards her and I don't hardly visit with her. So I'm not much better, and my other sister suffers with depression and anxiety and is currently med free. She struggles too.
And I'm currently in an appt waiting to build our home and I'm feeling lazy and tired and not right.
I have therapy tommorrow and today I'm inquirng about a new birth control. Hopefully that will help. If not it's off to the Dr. Which I not wanting to go in and say - now I'm depressed - I wasn't sure at first but from what I've read on this board and the other I'm headed that way.
Thanks,
Bonnie
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