![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Anna Laura on January 19, 2002, at 23:57:20
Hope you're going to understand what i am about to say and get emotionally connected even if my english is poor. English is not my language and i could fail to describe properly my situation: i'm going to try anyway.
My main problem is anhedonia : i've been depressed for eleven years so far and anhedonia is the only symptom that persisted and got worse throughout all these years.
I can't give any reasonable explanation why i felt better when i had major depression: i know it might sound quite of odd, but my anhedonia/apathy was far better years ago: i could still enjoy sex, i still felt love, loved myself: my mood was terribly gloomy and my anxiety overwhelming, still i was far more self confident and stronger then i am right now;somehow some areas of my life had been preserved: i enjoyed hanging out with friends, meeting new people, going to fine restaurants, watching movies etc....It's all gone now.
I don't suffer from major depression anymore, no anxiety but my mood and drive are flattened out. I feel like i'm under some kind of anhestesia: i'm totally numbed. My body perception sucks: i have poor physical sensations, good or bad. Sometimes it happens i got, let's say, a tooth-ache and i end up wondering if it's all in my mind cause physical pain is so faint and dim that is somehow "shading off" in to mental pain.
No colours, no smells, no sensations whatsoever. I feel so little alertness that sometimes i wonder if i'm really awake or if i'm dreaming. What really drives me insane is not knowing. It's like living blindfolded if you know what i mean.
Sometimes i wonder why do i keep on living like this. It feels like i were virtually non-existant.
I think life it's not worth living most of the time.
Sometimes i regret those past times when i still had feelings, good or bad.
I even regret when i was anxious and terrified : at least i could feel my body laying on the bed, the comfortable, cozy presence of my mate sleeping next to me and the upcoming dawn flooding my bed-room with bluish colours despite all the pain and the anguish.
At least i was alive and felt my heart pounding.
Does anybody feel like i do? Any insights?
Posted by IsoM on January 20, 2002, at 0:51:11
In reply to Don't know what to do anymore, posted by Anna Laura on January 19, 2002, at 23:57:20
Anna, please read the next e-mail I send you. You'll know by the subject line it's me answering your message you've just posted here.
I'm not going to try to sell you anything or push any ideas on you, but would like to "talk" to you in greater detail & privacy than this forum permits. You won't need to send me any e-mail back either, just a "Got Your E-mail" in the subject line so I know you received it.
And yes, your English is just fine explaining how you feel. I find your grasp of the English language quite remarkable. Please don't give up hope.
Judy
> Hope you're going to understand what i am about to say and get emotionally connected even if my english is poor. English is not my language and i could fail to describe properly my situation: i'm going to try anyway.
> My main problem is anhedonia : i've been depressed for eleven years so far and anhedonia is the only symptom that persisted and got worse throughout all these years.
> I can't give any reasonable explanation why i felt better when i had major depression: i know it might sound quite of odd, but my anhedonia/apathy was far better years ago: i could still enjoy sex, i still felt love, loved myself: my mood was terribly gloomy and my anxiety overwhelming, still i was far more self confident and stronger then i am right now;somehow some areas of my life had been preserved: i enjoyed hanging out with friends, meeting new people, going to fine restaurants, watching movies etc....It's all gone now.
> I don't suffer from major depression anymore, no anxiety but my mood and drive are flattened out. I feel like i'm under some kind of anhestesia: i'm totally numbed. My body perception sucks: i have poor physical sensations, good or bad. Sometimes it happens i got, let's say, a tooth-ache and i end up wondering if it's all in my mind cause physical pain is so faint and dim that is somehow "shading off" in to mental pain.
> No colours, no smells, no sensations whatsoever. I feel so little alertness that sometimes i wonder if i'm really awake or if i'm dreaming. What really drives me insane is not knowing. It's like living blindfolded if you know what i mean.
> Sometimes i wonder why do i keep on living like this. It feels like i were virtually non-existant.
> I think life it's not worth living most of the time.
> Sometimes i regret those past times when i still had feelings, good or bad.
> I even regret when i was anxious and terrified : at least i could feel my body laying on the bed, the comfortable, cozy presence of my mate sleeping next to me and the upcoming dawn flooding my bed-room with bluish colours despite all the pain and the anguish.
> At least i was alive and felt my heart pounding.
> Does anybody feel like i do? Any insights?
Posted by paula on January 20, 2002, at 13:34:34
In reply to Don't know what to do anymore, posted by Anna Laura on January 19, 2002, at 23:57:20
Hi Anna Laura,
I don't have any insight to offer. I just want to let you know that I'm thinking about you. I think I do know what you mean about missing the "worse" times. Numbness can be just as bad or worse than pain. Thinking of you--p (complimenti on the english, too)
> Hope you're going to understand what i am about to say and get emotionally connected even if my english is poor. English is not my language and i could fail to describe properly my situation: i'm going to try anyway.
> My main problem is anhedonia : i've been depressed for eleven years so far and anhedonia is the only symptom that persisted and got worse throughout all these years.
> I can't give any reasonable explanation why i felt better when i had major depression: i know it might sound quite of odd, but my anhedonia/apathy was far better years ago: i could still enjoy sex, i still felt love, loved myself: my mood was terribly gloomy and my anxiety overwhelming, still i was far more self confident and stronger then i am right now;somehow some areas of my life had been preserved: i enjoyed hanging out with friends, meeting new people, going to fine restaurants, watching movies etc....It's all gone now.
> I don't suffer from major depression anymore, no anxiety but my mood and drive are flattened out. I feel like i'm under some kind of anhestesia: i'm totally numbed. My body perception sucks: i have poor physical sensations, good or bad. Sometimes it happens i got, let's say, a tooth-ache and i end up wondering if it's all in my mind cause physical pain is so faint and dim that is somehow "shading off" in to mental pain.
> No colours, no smells, no sensations whatsoever. I feel so little alertness that sometimes i wonder if i'm really awake or if i'm dreaming. What really drives me insane is not knowing. It's like living blindfolded if you know what i mean.
> Sometimes i wonder why do i keep on living like this. It feels like i were virtually non-existant.
> I think life it's not worth living most of the time.
> Sometimes i regret those past times when i still had feelings, good or bad.
> I even regret when i was anxious and terrified : at least i could feel my body laying on the bed, the comfortable, cozy presence of my mate sleeping next to me and the upcoming dawn flooding my bed-room with bluish colours despite all the pain and the anguish.
> At least i was alive and felt my heart pounding.
> Does anybody feel like i do? Any insights?
Posted by Shar on January 20, 2002, at 14:06:01
In reply to Re: Don't know what to do anymore » Anna Laura, posted by paula on January 20, 2002, at 13:34:34
Anna Laura,
Yes, I understand what you are talking about. I experience anhedonia, and also do not feel that life is worth living most of the time. I've felt like this since teen years, but had moments of hope in there where I got married etc. Now, at 50, I don't expect good things to happen for the most part, don't expect my mood will ever cycle from depressed to good and back and forth. It will just remain depressed, more depressed, and the bottom level of depression that I can't think how to describe."Good" to me is the absence of bad, not something positive happening. Positive things, for the most part, do not happen.
Brava to you that you have not tried suicide. If you are not on meds, you may want to give that a try. Some people here have gotten great relief from meds. I take antidepressants but have not found a good combo that doesn't poop out or have terrible side effects.
Good luck to you.
Shar
Posted by Augusta on January 20, 2002, at 22:39:03
In reply to Don't know what to do anymore, posted by Anna Laura on January 19, 2002, at 23:57:20
Anna Laura,
That really does sound like a terribly difficult way to live. My situation is not quite the same as yours, but I often feel that my existence is totally pointless and so we definitely have some things in common.
Just after I read your post, I came across a post from Nightlight on the P-B board. It is at
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020116/msgs/90811.html.I was pretty amazed at the similarity in how she describes her past self and how you describe yourself. Perhaps you could start up a conversation with her and the two of you could share information and support?
Posted by ELA on January 21, 2002, at 14:04:08
In reply to Don't know what to do anymore, posted by Anna Laura on January 19, 2002, at 23:57:20
> Does anybody feel like i do? Any insights?
I definitely do at the moment. I have been seriously ill recently and it's turned my whole life upside down. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, who I can trust, who I can talk to etc and it's horrible. This site has helped SO much, though. We are all going through similar things and just seeing that people are responding has helped me.
I tried to kill myself at the weekend and it failed. I now feel better and am thankful that I have the chance to try and get over all of this.
Don't lose all hope - there's always a way out.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.