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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Fi on January 27, 2002, at 13:59:31
Mine are fine in many ways, but it upsets me that my mother is starting to get confused. And that they are both so old- always thinking that its not long till they wont be around. The idea of clearing the house is completely beyond me, but I'll need to do it sometime in the next few years..
I'm also lucky in my ordinary life (several hundred miles away) that I live on my own with no responsibilities to other people. So its quite a contrast being the capable, helpful, cheerful one around the house with them. Whilst a bit appalled underneath. Tho it can also be OK for long periods, and my home town is very much my *home* town- I need to refuel my batteries by going there sometimes.
Really just looking for any coping tips? My mother doesnt seem bothered by her confusion, by the way, and since its probably not anything treatable, I'm reluctant to make a big fuss and try and make her see the doctor (who will probably not investigate it, anyway).
Fi
Posted by Seamus2 on January 27, 2002, at 20:09:50
In reply to Visiting elderly parents, posted by Fi on January 27, 2002, at 13:59:31
That's rough. What they need is more day to day supervision than you yourself can perform.
So, figure out how to hire someone to look after them. SomeoneS might be a better choice of words.
They will need help with day-to-day stuff; and also help with organizational, book-keeping type stuff.If they have any money, I'd recommend securing a power of attorney over their affairs (attendent with its own difficulties, granted) so some schmuck doesn't rip them off.
Posted by susan C on January 27, 2002, at 21:39:45
In reply to Visiting elderly parents, posted by Fi on January 27, 2002, at 13:59:31
State Health Insurance Assistance Program (SHIP)
SHIP is a free counseling program in every state for older adults on health insurance-related topics such as long-term care insurance, Medicare, HMOs, etc. They can look at your whole insurance situation and help you decide if you need other insurance, help you with Medicare claims, help you read and understand an insurance policy you are considering buying, give you a list of Medigap policies approved for sale in your state, and provide other important services.HIP is jointly funded by the federal and state governments.
For the program nearest you, call the Eldercare Locator, 1-800-677-1116
It took me awhile to figure this one out fi...maybe the people at this number can help you. At the very least, they could point you in a helpful direction.
Social Security, Medicare, all these things are here to help, you and your parents.
Mouse with a graying muzzle
Posted by kazoo on January 28, 2002, at 1:10:54
In reply to Visiting elderly parents, posted by Fi on January 27, 2002, at 13:59:31
> The idea of clearing the house is completely beyond me, but I'll need to do it sometime in the next few years.
^^^^^^^^^
Don't bet on this. It may be sooner than you think.
My mother went in to the John Dempsey Hospital (Farmington, CT) on October 21, 2001 for a simple water removal procedure and was butchered beyond belief ... she never returned home and died on December 6, 2001. Nobody expected her to die; hence, her affairs are still up in the air.
Some advice: read their Will ASAP, and if changes are to be made, make sure you get a reputable attorney, and make sure the wording is RIGHT! Let me tell you, when there's a "body," all the VULTURES come out, like the one I'm dealing with now, my greedy, conniving, ugly bitch sister who should be shot in the head for the good of mankind. She would call my mother a "sick bitch" to her face and not lift a finger to help her. Make sure all those mentioned in your parent's Will DESERVE to be there. You have absolutely NO IDEA what it's like to probate a vague Will!
Stay with your parents as long as you can and tend to their needs. They deserve the very best you can give. Understand how they must feel "Waiting for God." I know all about "senior-citizen" aches and pains, especially the confusion part; however, when they're gone, you'll know it all too well.
I miss my folks so much it hurts.
kazoo
Posted by Fi on January 28, 2002, at 16:38:17
In reply to Re: Visiting elderly parents » Fi, posted by kazoo on January 28, 2002, at 1:10:54
Thanks, folks.
Its a good reminder to me not to be selfish about it, and to make sure they get what they need, but this can be by co-ordinating use of other services rather than doing it direct myself. I'm lucky I have so few demands on me most of the time.
And I'm exceptionally lucky that both me and my sister get on well with each other and our parents. I've very aware they could die anytime- my father was in hospital with serious pneumonia last year. And I know I'll miss them.
Fi
Posted by trouble on January 29, 2002, at 7:41:13
In reply to Visiting elderly parents, posted by Fi on January 27, 2002, at 13:59:31
I've been checking the site for a response by someone w/ credentials but haven't seen what I'm after so I'll just throw you a curve and you can take it from there. I'm not an expert but I am biased in working w/ dementia patients and their families around issues of communication and orientation.
In my opinion you are totally enlightened and on the right track in not making your mom's disorientation a big deal. But if you're interested in a tested communication approach w/ easy to learn techniques there's a method called VALIDATION THERAPY, type it into the keyword space and it will take you to links. The idea behind it is respect for the inner life of the patient, and never call attention to their cognitive deficits. So if your ma's bummed out about the cat and you don't have a cat, respect it. Maybe she had a cat once and something went wrong, whatever, her feelings are VALID and that's where you go.This approach is an alternative to the prevailing method of working w/ Alzheimer's patients known as REALITY ORIENTATION which I am against. In practice reality orientatation goes like this
"You just sat down, why are you getting up again?
Where are you going? There's nothing in that drawer that wasn't in there 5 minutes ago.
I'm not your sister I'm your daughter.You don't need two pairs of socks. The TV's fine where it is. You don't have a cat."
When I see providers doing this I wonder why don't you just punch her out? The more they deny the inner life of the pt. the more agitated and repetitive the pt. becomes, the atomosphere is tense and permeated w/ bad feelings, and no one knows their own motivations. But the instant the family starts doing validation therapy they re-connect w/ their parent, laughter re-appears, and it seems separation is a lot easier, since the patient knows she's not being chronically manipulated she trusts that her daughter will come back.
I'm probably going on too much about stuff that you don't need right now, but when it comes to hiring someone or looking into assisted care facilities their stance on R.O. and VT becomes more significant.
Posted by fi on January 29, 2002, at 12:02:03
In reply to Re: Visiting elderly parents, posted by trouble on January 29, 2002, at 7:41:13
That is *very* useful and very much appreciated- thank you!
Will investigate further.Fi
Posted by susan C on January 29, 2002, at 12:22:07
In reply to Re: Visiting elderly parents, posted by trouble on January 29, 2002, at 7:41:13
wow, trouble,
I didnt realize those were different techniques...I had always thought the first was being supportive and nice and the second being an axx hxxx...Thank you very much for that insight.
mouse contemplating the future
Posted by jane d on January 29, 2002, at 12:38:38
In reply to Re: Visiting elderly parents » trouble, posted by fi on January 29, 2002, at 12:02:03
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/healthtopics.html
If you haven't already seen this site it's worth a look. It's my favorite starting point for anything even remotely medical. It's a US government site and the links are to US organizations so specific assistance programs mentioned won't help you but the general information might.
One thing that you might like to look into is the possibility that your parents are depressed. In all my reading on depression I keep coming across the statement that it is often misdiagnosed in the old. The other thing I keep seeing is warnings to rule out medication side effects. Since I've been made dull and forgetful by drugs myself at times I now believe this is a real possibility.
My only advice based on first hand experience so far is to communicate things, such as your plans to visit, in writing instead of by telephone so that your mother can look at the letter if she forgets details. And, if possible, get both your parents to explicitly tell you what they want done in the way of medical care for themselves and each other if they aren't able to make the decision themselves. I recently found myself having to make decisions for a critically ill parent when I had absolutely no idea what he would have wanted. He survived to object to some of those decisions so now I at least know what he wants for next time.
Jane
Posted by Fi on January 30, 2002, at 10:21:25
In reply to Re: Visiting elderly parents » fi, posted by jane d on January 29, 2002, at 12:38:38
Many thanks for all those wise ideas.
Its a good point re depression- they're both on meds for it now, but my father must have been depressed for many years before he finally started them (in his early 70s). Its made a huge difference, so I would recommend anyone else with elderly parents not coping well bears it in mind.
Fi
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