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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Gracie2 on May 26, 2002, at 19:36:16
My husband insists that I go with him to visit his family for a week in August. I haven't seen them in years and I am sick with dread. I'm uncomfortable around strangers, lousy at small talk, and would rather drown myself in their pool than appear in a bathing suit. I'm also afraid to fly. My God, how will I ever get through it without puking up Southern Comfort in his mother's spotless kitchen sink?
-Gracie the Tormented
Posted by Zo on May 26, 2002, at 22:10:12
In reply to How do you act normal?, posted by Gracie2 on May 26, 2002, at 19:36:16
I dunno, Gracie, sure sounds like Hell to me.Zo
Posted by IsoM on May 27, 2002, at 13:22:30
In reply to How do you act normal?, posted by Gracie2 on May 26, 2002, at 19:36:16
Gracie, for what reason is your husband insisting? I don't know what sort of guy he is so I'm trying to tailor my suggestions for all types.
1. Is he insisting from misguided love - thinking that once you get there, you'll enjoy yourself after all?
2. Is he insisting because he feels lost without you at his side & thinks you SHOULD be there with the rest of his family?
3. Or does he insist because he's ashamed to admit to his family that his wife is suffering from a 'disorder' & has to stay behind?
Whatever the reasons for his wanting you to accompany him, appeal to him from a positive view.
1. Let him know how much more happy & relaxed you will be with a rest at home while he's enjoying himself. When he gets back, you'll both feel good.2. Let him know how little you'll be at his side, but hiding somewhere away from the others. Let him know you won't be a support but a hindrance instead.
3. Tell him he can explain you not feeling good & not able to come with him much easier than explaining you freaking out at the family gathering, throwing up in his mother's sink, etc.
Don't know if this'll help any but I suggest you bring this up with him after he's had a good meal & feels relaxed. Choose your time to discuss this with him wisely.
Posted by wendy b. on May 28, 2002, at 8:53:20
In reply to How do you act normal?, posted by Gracie2 on May 26, 2002, at 19:36:16
Gracie:
Hi! haven't spoken to you in a while... Besides this, I hope you have been feeling well.
Please, Gracie, you do not need lessons in how to act "normal," because there is no such thing. You are being "normal" by not wanting to go, and it's up to you. Putting pressure on you is going to backfire, and your husb should know that. He cannot FORCE you to go. So stand firm. You are not a "lesser" person because you decide, for yourself, as a grown woman, not a child, that you are not up for such a visit.
What do you think?
Wendy
> My husband insists that I go with him to visit his family for a week in August. I haven't seen them in years and I am sick with dread. I'm uncomfortable around strangers, lousy at small talk, and would rather drown myself in their pool than appear in a bathing suit. I'm also afraid to fly. My God, how will I ever get through it without puking up Southern Comfort in his mother's spotless kitchen sink?
> -Gracie the Tormented
Posted by Cece on May 29, 2002, at 0:24:47
In reply to How do you act normal?, posted by Gracie2 on May 26, 2002, at 19:36:16
I agree that you don't (shouldn't) have to go on this trip. I guess alot depends on your relationship with your husband, and what's 'really' going on here.
But if you decide to go (and I don't mean to sound casual or unempathetic- I'm not):Suffering from often severe depression for many years I did a lot of acting and avoiding- not the best alternative, but I couldn't find the help I needed (I have now) and it was a survival tool. I didn't think that I was pulling it off very well, but apparently I did. I was always so very surprised at how little people noticed- even very good friends. Some people thought I was shy (I was, beyond shy actually), or not feeling well (I wasn't), but they didn't see the dread and desperation beneath the surface.
Being shy or not feeling well are not crimes, unless people are into being really nasty, and as Miss Manners might suggest- they deserve nothing more than a chilly look.
Now, having been there myself, I can sometimes see someone else's desperation- and I see how little other people are noticing it.
So, if part of your fear is emotional exposure, you may have less to worry about on that score than you think.And, some people's skin gets sensitive sometimes (dermatologists often don't know why) and even with sunscreen gets very irritated in the sun- no bathing suits allowed while that's going on. And no big explanations required- "oh I wish I could, but I can't these days". If pressed- another chilly look. Sounds like your skin could get irritated given the situation anyway.
And, many people love to have someone else let them do all the talking, with just an occasional "oh, really", or "that's very interesting", or "how nice", or "how awful", etc. in reply. That actually qualifies as 'small talk'!
And, hope you don't mind my saying this, but stay away from the Southern Comfort or anything related. Alcohol actually intensifies mood symptoms even though it might at first seem like it's helping.
I hope that you do whatever works best for you. We all need to take care of ourselves first.Best wishes,
Cece
My husband insists that I go with him to visit his family for a week in August. I haven't seen them in years and I am sick with dread. I'm uncomfortable around strangers, lousy at small talk, and would rather drown myself in their pool than appear in a bathing suit. I'm also afraid to fly. My God, how will I ever get through it without puking up Southern Comfort in his mother's spotless kitchen sink?
> -Gracie the Tormented
Posted by Gracie2 on May 29, 2002, at 10:02:08
In reply to Re: How do you act normal? » Gracie2, posted by Cece on May 29, 2002, at 0:24:47
My husband wants me to go because the reason for the trip is that his sister is getting married, and I suppose it would look bad or be rude for me not to show up. I don't mind going to the wedding...it's what to do with myself the whole week beforehand at another person's house (a hotel room wouldn't be as bad, but I guess that's out of the question). I get "peopled out" so fast, it is possible for me to spend an entire day at work socializing, but then I cannot wait to get home. Once I do, I feel like I've been holding my breath all day. I can't even imagine spending 7 days surrounded by near-strangers with no refuge, trying to make conversation and acting like I'm enjoying myself. Every time I think about it I want to cry, I believe it's beyond my capabilities to do that and I will somehow blow it in a very big way.
It is possible that I might be able to fly up on my own a day or two before the wedding. It might look strange to his family but I think it would be preferable to my becoming more and more unhappy and uncomfortable - and increasingly unable to hide it -if I tried to stay for the entire week. I wish I was more like my father, he isn't comfortable with enforced socializing either and so he just doesn't do it, and he doesn't care what anybody thinks about it.
-Gracie
Posted by shar on May 30, 2002, at 23:10:32
In reply to How do you act normal?, posted by Gracie2 on May 26, 2002, at 19:36:16
Do you have to agree to wear a bathing suit and not puke if you go? If not, don't worry about it. We almost lost you a while back, and the fact that you are still here (a comfort to me just to see your name) is the most important thing.
'Normal' should be defined first and foremost as something you are comfortable with; if it is everything you are uncomfortable with (wearing a bathing suit--not me, sister!) then it doesn't matter whether it's normal or not. A visit should not have to be hell.
I always gave myself lots of permission to go for walks, not entertain people, be a good listener (I was extremely quiet but polite with his family), read or do crosswords, help out when I could. That kind of thing. I wasn't the shining star, more like the invisible one, and that was ok with me!
I hope you will find a way to be comfortable and do the visit.
Shar
P.S. In a spurt of tremendous gregariousness I told my ex-sister-in-law one of my favorite secret recipes and SHE REVEALED IT TO ALL OF THE GUESTS AT THE GATHERING. Her definition of normal included a big honkin wad of passive aggression, I guess.
> My husband insists that I go with him to visit his family for a week in August. I haven't seen them in years and I am sick with dread. I'm uncomfortable around strangers, lousy at small talk, and would rather drown myself in their pool than appear in a bathing suit. I'm also afraid to fly. My God, how will I ever get through it without puking up Southern Comfort in his mother's spotless kitchen sink?
> -Gracie the Tormented
This is the end of the thread.
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