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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alii on June 7, 2002, at 1:25:42
and if I can make it until then I have a chance....
why do I seem so weak every time my partner's 'rents visit?
Run and hide.
Run and hide.
That is the strongest message hitting me for the past hour. Get out of town, get in car and get to airport. Get on plane and get the hell out of dodge.
And when I begin to think of putting escape trips on my credit card I know depression has taken back another piece of me. This is no fault of my own....how am I supposed to keep my chemistry in check when I'm already taking meds, seeing the pdoc, acu, etc...........just dammit
out out out out out of my mind
a.
Posted by alii on June 7, 2002, at 4:05:06
In reply to Pdoc on Monday, posted by alii on June 7, 2002, at 1:25:42
...and how I long for it...
cleaned....read a little bit....paced
enough sleeping pills to drop a horse and I'm not sleepy...but I'm soooooooooo tired
again wah wah wah woe is me how tiring it all becomes
and the current thought spinning through my head:
for the love of jimminy why did I rent a place without a tub?!! I could at least have insomnia in a hot bath. Awake and immersed in hot water sounds beyond delightful.
cannot wait to hear what pdoc comes up with on Monday....he'll have to remind me again that there is hope, that there is a reason to go on, that I do count, that I matter, I mutter, I scream out in pain
yet this dark demon/temptress/life sucking whore does not care for my cries, does not care to hear me wail and moan with despair
Have you ever sobbed so hard your entire body shook? And continued on in this fashion with the body shaking, the tears NONSTOP, hardly able to breathe due to all the damn tears for half an hour and more.........and not been able to attach this seeming sadness to anything?
No reason for crying so intensely other than the disease?
That is cruel. The intensity of mood poured on randomly jerks me about. *SLAP* yeah, it's like getting smacked around for no good reason.
feeling trapped
feeling cold
feeling so tired of the money ( I, my family, the state, prob. us gubmint but I strongly doubt it) invested in fighting this disease and the return being so shitty.If I were a stock I'd dump my ass so fast and find something long term and steady....oh wait it's a crap shoot trying to iron out the kinks in medicating the brain
so step right up! give it a whirl!!
go ahead...anyone can take a shot...find the mix of chemicals that quiet Alii's mind and you win
now please
please
(through my fucking insomniac wacked tears)
please let me win too++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
ever see the betting area of a race track after the races are over? all those scraps on the floor trodden upon
that's what happens when one gives up and crumples up their life tired of gambling for a longshot
Posted by beardedlady on June 7, 2002, at 6:49:20
In reply to to sleep oh how sweet to sleep..., posted by alii on June 7, 2002, at 4:05:06
This is a toughy. I don't know your dx. If it were depression coupled with insomnia, I'd say go for what I take, Serzone. I take it at night before bed--a little at 9:30, a little when I wake up in the middle of the night (not recommended that way, but...), and I sleep well most of the time. Real life things get in the way and break through, but most of the time I'm fine.
It took two weeks to get consistent sleep benefits, but it hasn't pooped out in three years.
Hey, I see a problem that maybe we can fix:
> cleaned....read a little bit....paced
> enough sleeping pills to drop a horse and I'm not sleepy...but I'm soooooooooo tiredWhy aren't you in bed once you take the sleeping pills? You can easily win over the pills, especially if they're hypnotics, by staying up and occupying your mind. Take 'em and lie down, close your eyes, and...
>the current thought spinning through my head:
> for the love of jimminy why did I rent a place without a tub?!! I could at least have insomnia in a hot bath. Awake and immersed in hot water sounds beyond delightful....imagine that tub. Imagery can work wonders! (I'm a skeptic about everything, but I can lie on my tummy and imagine someone giving me a massage. Often that's enough relaxation to drop off.) So get in bed and think of something nice.
Also, you can sit at the bottom of your shower and let the hot water fall on your head and back. I've done that when I was tubless, and it's a pretty good facsimile.
> Have you ever sobbed so hard your entire body shook? And continued on in this fashion with the body shaking, the tears NONSTOP, hardly able to breathe due to all the damn tears for half an hour and more.........and not been able to attach this seeming sadness to anything?
Yes. Although that's the sadness that I was attaching it to--being overwhelmingly sad.
> If I were a stock I'd dump my ass so fast and find something long term and steady.
Yes. If you were a stock, I'd probably cash you in. But I wouldn't do that to a person I loved. We don't love people because they will earn us a high yield on our investment. We love them because we can't help it--because they make us love them.
> ever see the betting area of a race track after the races are over? all those scraps on the floor trodden uponI live near the Preakness, so, yes.
> that's what happens when one gives up and crumples up their life tired of gambling for a longshotActually, no. It's what happens when a whole lot of people bet about twenty bucks on a horse that didn't win, and they're too lazy to find a trash can!
You are not a longshot. You're a surefire winner.
> please let me win too
Right. I just said that. You will win because you are strong. Even with all your crying, we know you are strong, or you wouldn't be swiming so hard.
Good luck on Monday. It's only a couple more days. Please remember what everyone has told me: Your body's on overdrive right now. You will not lose your sanity, and you will not die from lack of sleep. Eventually, your body's and mind's natural need for sleep will take over, and you will sleep. You have slept before; you will sleep again. It's just a little phase.
Now why do you get so anxious about your partner's folks? Maybe you need to explore what's so scary about them and what you can do to protect yourself. Then this can maybe get less of a priority in your life.
Take good care of yourself. We care about you.
beardy : )>
Posted by susan C on June 7, 2002, at 10:14:19
In reply to Re: to sleep oh how sweet to sleep..., posted by beardedlady on June 7, 2002, at 6:49:20
The only thing different from me, is I keep to a routine every night, with in half hour and in the morning (not as well) and I take ambien. Otherwise, I think what you said, beardy was so well put. Thank you for helping me too.
mouse
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