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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Medusa on August 27, 2002, at 5:08:01
So this week, DH is quitting his family business. We both gave up a lot for him to come here and help out. It's badly organised and the market is a tough one. But DH is 7th or 8th generation in the factory, and his father had made all the right noises about handing it over as soon as DH felt he was up to speed. Didn't happen. Lots of insults from his entire family ("__ is LUCKY to have such a GREAT job!" uh yeah, he was only a partner in his law firm, really slumming it before he came here, he was really lucky his faaaamily would give him a job for a third the pay), end result, we're leaving. It's been a rollercoaster with all of DH's backs and forths about whether to go or stay, and I've been his only confidante. (Get a girlfriend already!!!)
This on top of my own stuff. I'm not doing well. I'm sure I look great, sound great, talk a good game, but I'm a mess. September 9 I have to have documents and a bunch of legal stuff to the STOOPID personal injury lawyer who's handling the case for the bike accident that left me in near-constant pain, and just ten minutes of looking at the case work I have to do, spins me into throes of self-deprecation. It's so hard to read the driver's insurance company's claims that I was a negligent idiot and have no pain, therefore am scum. Worse, MY idiot lawyer and his boss are the dumbest boxes around. I interviewed a bunch of lawyers, and most of the references I checked told me "try to handle the case on your own first." I can't though - the insurance co is magnificent at manipulating the uninformed and insecure.
I worked out hard last night and then went in the sauna. Today I'm supposed to be putting my CV together and getting a bloody job ... in aNOTHer country, where I don't know the language but DH would be happy to go. And I frankly don't give a d-mn where we go, just away from DH's faaaaaaaaaamily would be a good start, and not too close to mine. Oh goody, I just figured out I can read most of the Monster pages for that country, albeit painstakingly. That's the easy part, and learning the language will be easy too, compared to writing on PAPER in INK how great I am and what a great value I am to hire in this bad economic time. I feel like I'd screw up as a floor-scrubber in a grocery store (well, I would!) so I'm not worthy of anything else. (Not true.)
"Suicide ideation" is something I heard for the first time on this board. It's a daily thing for me. Lately I'm not sure if I'll be alive or bleeding in the tub (and OD'd) when DH comes home. I have no plans, and I have so many siblings who, I dunno I think it would confuse them and mess them up even more than our parents already have, if I topped myself. But I have a feeling, one day I'm going to snap and say screw it, and just get it over with completely irresponsibly.
This is a scary way to live. I've been independent and all that jazz for a lot of my life, and leaving a body and a bunch of paperwork and back taxes due would be pretty dependent behavior.
If I hung myself from the balcony, it would really freak out the little neighbor boy downstairs who always asks for flowers. If I hung myself in DH's family's factory, that would be poetic justice. But they would be HAPPY to have me out of the picture, so I'm not going to give them that satisfaction. And DH would probably just marry one of my sisters, and MY parents would be happy to retain him but have me out of the picture. Dang. I can make more people mad by living.
I feel like I could resolve a lot of this (if only in a band-aid manner) by getting a job, a demanding and at least somewhat rewarding job. I've concentrated on improving my wardrobe and appearance in the last weeks, so I've got myself out of the why-can't-I-go-to-the-office-in-my-bathrobe mentality, which got me into trouble in past jobs. I need structure, a place to go every day, a paycheck every pay period. And insurance.
If anyone has input, I'd really appreciate it. Sorry for being needy ... but heck I shouldn't apologize for that, I should work on being more convincing when I *feel* needy, and on getting what I need. I can't seem to stop putting up this competent, grip-on-things front. I also can't seem to get my act together on my CV. I asked an acquaintance for feedback, and he's shown himself to be the most negative guy around. His wife said he was negative about his own work and really down on himself, but jeez he didn't even look at my resume, just blabbed about how terrible the market is and how nobody's hiring and employers aren't welfare agencies (!!!) and how DH should just go back to his old law firm. (!!!) So I have to find other resources, I do have a lot to offer, but it's hard to find the kick-in-the-pants/encouragement I need.
Enough rambling for the moment! I didn't even post what I meant to in the beginning, but whatever ...
M
Posted by Dinah on August 27, 2002, at 6:21:59
In reply to little things pushing me over the edge, posted by Medusa on August 27, 2002, at 5:08:01
Hi Medusa,
I hope you can hold on the thought that you are under a lot of stress right now with a lot going on. That's probably causing you to feel pretty desperate.
But you will get through this. You're leaving one source of stress behind (your inlaws), and it sounds like you've got a husband you care for. Getting started in a new country where you don't speak the language will be difficult. But is there anything you can do to make it easier? Is there a support group for ex-patriates or anything that can give you some help in your new location? And being a great believer in the benefits of therapy, is there any chance of your finding a therapist there to help you with your suicidal ideation? And sorry, I forget, are you taking any medications? I understand there are some good meds for that. (I hate meds myself, but I find a half a Klonopin when I'm feeling really desperate really helps.)
Just throwing out ideas here. Hope one of them helps. And do hold on.
Take care,
Dinah
Posted by Robin.d.j on August 27, 2002, at 6:25:29
In reply to little things pushing me over the edge, posted by Medusa on August 27, 2002, at 5:08:01
Boy do I now how you feel ..When the army was called in to take care of this stinking city after a great snow fall ..My insurance company WSIB told me to get out of the car and stretch on the side of the road..(had to hire a laywer)..(HELLO ..it's 30 degrees below zero and there is 3 feet of snow falling)..you are just having a bad day come on..things are going to get better...I believe in one thing in life ..if you want to live .you will ..and the best thing about living is enjoying what trouble you can get into or fun you can have ...take care hope things work out for you ...love Robin...oh buy the way ...im thinking about driving into a train today...my friend says it would be messy ...I'm sure I wont see a thing ...good luck in the new country (^;
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