![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Mandy on August 29, 2002, at 15:15:42
I have been major depressed since 1991 and on prozac since then, but last few years prozac stopped working and I have been on Wellbutrin, Trileptal, Seroquel, Prozac, Neurontin for bipolar. MY sex desire is gone. I do not know how to discuss this with my husband. He is so supportive but this is just such a hard subject to bring up. I am still not stable on meds and have lots of moods swings. What should he expect? I should mention that about 8 years ago, my husband had sex problems and we agreed to stay with oral sex since that works best for him. But ,frankly, at this point in time, it is too much work for me. I feel guilty for causing all the turmoil in his life and now this, but I just do not know what to do. I am not even sure if this posted in right category.
Posted by mair on August 29, 2002, at 20:57:11
In reply to No sex desire in 56 y old femle-will it ever come , posted by Mandy on August 29, 2002, at 15:15:42
Mandy
I have no easy answers for you - I hope some others chime in to help. I will only point out to you what my therapist has pointed out to me - if your needs are not being met, it's ok to let your spouse know that even if you perceive him as someone who's always done the best he could to support you. If your husband has been as supportive as you say, he's done this out of an abundance of love for you - it's not as if you've given him nothing in return. I know this is a pretty awkward subject, but it's obviously causing you a lot of heartache now.
You haven't said, but to what do you attribute your loss of sex drive? Is it the meds you're taking, or is it a more direct by-product of depression? How you approach this might depend some on the answer.
Mair
Posted by shar on August 31, 2002, at 14:28:05
In reply to No sex desire in 56 y old femle-will it ever come , posted by Mandy on August 29, 2002, at 15:15:42
M,
There is a lot of pressure around "sex." Having sex is an idea that has so many parameters, who, what, why, when, where, how, how often, and then there is no right or wrong for any of the answers to the questions, and to top it off, it is hard to talk about.I think a big part of sex in relationships is about closeness. If you are 56 (I'm 50) you've probably lived long enough to have experienced mediocre sex, bad sex, good sex, great sex, hurried sex, unfinished sex, and all that--so, it's not that it's always magical, or leaves us feeling happy and melty--but, by and large, I think if everybody is getting along ok, it DOES leave us feeling connected. And I think that is one of the great big bonuses, plus it is hard to connect that closely in any other way.
So, I wonder if it would help if you could focus on closeness and connection instead of sex. Like, instead of feeling bad about frequency, or duration, or energy level, feeling good about holding each other, talking while snuggling, etc. AND, there are MANY alternatives to regular sex, including oral sex, but also including holding and carressing him while he masturbates, or stroking his body and talking in a sexual way to each other (or you to him) while other things go on. A shower together (with the lights off if necessary), going parking, or any kind of intimacy, even if it doesn't result in orgasm, is good for both people. We need touching, I firmly believe.
For the one who doesn't have the desire (I've been on both sides of that issue), if there is compatibility, there is usually still a willingness (or even happiness) to be physically close.
For sex drive stuff, I can relate completely to what you are saying. I've read a couple of studies that women who read romance novels (now let me finish) tend to be more sexually active (it does not say whether they are more satisfied or more disappointed that their hubby is not lord of the manor in knee boots and open shirt and long hair sweeping them off their feet into the candlelit bedroom). You know, bodice ripper stuff....there is also erotica (not porn) on the internet, you can find it written by women, and I would not underestimate its ability to help one warm up to the idea of sexual intimacy. It helps keep the idea alive, and instead of just having the sex=too tired connection, there are all sorts of other connections that are being made in one's head.
Part of depression, I believe, is lower sex drive, and meds do not help, and the low energy level makes it even worse. But, if you want to have more sex or closeness with your spouse do not give up. Like everything else, you may have to think about things differently, or work on broadening your ideas about what you're up for, etc.
If I'm rambling, forgive me. I just know closeness (physical) can be such a comfort, and it has never been something that has been easy for me in relationships because of a bunch of past BS, so I want others to experience the benefits of it. I am not in an intimate relationship now, so I sort of envy you that you have the opportunity to experiment, think about, and do, things that will ideally bring pleasure or comfort to you (or hubby, or both of you!).
Shar
Posted by Roo on August 31, 2002, at 14:57:05
In reply to Re: No sex desire.....LONG response » Mandy, posted by shar on August 31, 2002, at 14:28:05
ss
Posted by mair on August 31, 2002, at 21:08:35
In reply to Re: SHAR...GREAT response...thank you! (NM), posted by Roo on August 31, 2002, at 14:57:05
Posted by Kath on September 1, 2002, at 14:55:42
In reply to Re: No sex desire.....LONG response » Mandy, posted by shar on August 31, 2002, at 14:28:05
Hi Shar - at the risk of feeling silly, I'm asking would you please email me an address of the erotica written by women? My email is available at ASH
hope yer well, hugs, Kath
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.