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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by snowden on October 29, 2002, at 19:44:40
I recently started seeing someone new. It's been awhile since I've been in a relationship, and I've been careful enough to keep myself at bay with others in general. However, I seem to have met someone who is meaning something more to me. But i know my disorder(s) are already interfering...do I warn him? Alert him? Say nothing? Show him the scars? I'm scared, confused and really wondering what path I should take regarding this...any advice would be helpful. Thanks...Snowden :)
Posted by NikkiT2 on October 29, 2002, at 20:04:51
In reply to do i tell him about bpd/eating disorder?? how??, posted by snowden on October 29, 2002, at 19:44:40
Thats really difficult... I also have BPD so can recount how I went baout it when I met my husband 5 years ago...
I didn't tell him naything at first.. then slowly, when we were talking and stuff I started talking about suffering from dperession and having to take medication.. I another occsion i talked baout I had self harmed.. i took it slowly and at a pace I didn't think would freak him out...
He did say he felt I should have opened up to him earlier than i did, but I didn't feel i could at the time.Are you in the UK by any chance, as I am involved with a group in the UK which deals with BPD.
Nikki
Posted by snowden on October 29, 2002, at 20:19:50
In reply to Re: do i tell him about bpd/eating disorder?? how?? » snowden, posted by NikkiT2 on October 29, 2002, at 20:04:51
...sorry, I'm in the US...
I guess I feel I should just lay it all on the line and let him know what he could be getting himself into. I'm having such a hard time getting a handle on my eating disorder (compulsive eating, binging) that I give up time that could be with him in order to do so. I just recently started couseling (again) and am hoping to find some sort of new concoction of medication to go on eventually...but in the meantime, I feel like I'm being so selfish by not letting him know what he's in for. I want to pursue a relationship, but I don't feel I can give all of myself that I want to at this time. And I know that's not fair...
Posted by judy1 on October 30, 2002, at 4:44:28
In reply to do i tell him about bpd/eating disorder?? how??, posted by snowden on October 29, 2002, at 19:44:40
I'm really glad you started counseling- there is really no magic medication that cures si or EDs, but working hard at therapy should make a real difference. Nikki gave good advice about taking it slow, since it's a new relationship- that's a lot to lay on a person with all the other stuff going on while you're getting to know him. what really helped in my case was bringing my spouse to therapy with me, since i felt so much shame- my therapist was able to explain the whys and whats about these disorders. notice I said spouse- you may improve enough in therapy and get stronger in your relationship- that once there's a solid relationship he should be able to handle everything about you (and the reverse is true of course). I wish you well- judy
Posted by Ted on October 30, 2002, at 11:04:02
In reply to Re: do i tell him about bpd/eating disorder?? how??, posted by snowden on October 29, 2002, at 20:19:50
Snowden,
> I guess I feel I should just lay it all on the line and let him know what he could be getting himself into.
I disagree. Listen to Nikki. If you say too much too soon, you will only scare him away (BTDT). Don't say anything at first, and bring up the topic slowly, as you feel more comfortable with him.
Good luck -- I hope it works out for you.
Ted
Posted by coral on October 30, 2002, at 11:08:49
In reply to Re: do i tell him about bpd/eating disorder?? how??, posted by snowden on October 29, 2002, at 20:19:50
Dear Snowden,
Your instincts are to tell him. I would follow those instincts out of respect for your own feelings and for him. That way, you're both making informed choices about continuing the relationship.
Posted by snowden on October 30, 2002, at 13:38:34
In reply to Re: do i tell him about bpd/eating disorder?? how??, posted by coral on October 30, 2002, at 11:08:49
Coral, Ted, Judy1...
Thanks for the advice...my gut instinct tells me that I'm going to have to let him know at least a little (ED to begin with), it's already causing some conflict, or rather some questions, and I just don't feel comfortable hiding anymore...I feel he needs to be able to decide now if he's still interested as opposed to later on when more feelings could be potentially involved.
Thanks again...if you come up with any other sound advice, I'd greatly appreciate it!!
Snowden :)
Posted by judy1 on October 30, 2002, at 15:57:39
In reply to Re: do i tell him about bpd/eating disorder?? how?? » coral, posted by snowden on October 30, 2002, at 13:38:34
I understand wanting to be honest, but please talk to your therapist first. I get the feeling Nikki and Ted and I have been there, and there's no reason to possibly sabotage a potential relationship when the stronger it gets the more he can handle. Maybe your therapist will have a good way to talk about the ED with him. take care of yourself- judy
Posted by coral on October 30, 2002, at 18:45:04
In reply to Re: do i tell him about bpd/eating disorder?? how?? » coral, posted by snowden on October 30, 2002, at 13:38:34
Dear Snowden,
I'm concerned for your feelings, first and foremost. By following your instincts and telling him before YOU have invested any more in the relationship will save you heartache if it's something he doesn't want to deal with as well as relieving some of the anxiety you're presently feeling. From family experience, I know that fear of abandonment is a key issue in BPD and can only imagine your anxiety.
These issues can weigh heavily on the strongest of relationships - I came within a hair's breadth of my marriage failing when I crashed into a major clinical depression.
Posted by snowden on October 30, 2002, at 19:22:47
In reply to Re: do i tell him about bpd/eating disorder?? how??, posted by coral on October 30, 2002, at 18:45:04
Coral,
For me the anxiety comes from the lying that I do in order to binge, hide my ED, etc. I find myself caring about him, and I haven't allowed that in awhile. I always cut relationships off before they get to know how screwed up I really am. :) I feel so selfish because while I should be excited to see him, I cancel just so that I can binge. It seems that's the only thing that gives me real pleasure anymore. It's been pretty bad lately and I feel like my anxiety is going through the roof. I want so much to take part in this relationship, but I find myself so unwilling to give up my vices in order to do so. It terrifies me that I have to give up my "friend" (ED) I'm so used to being by myself, it's hard to let someone interrupt my "routine"
Thanks for listening, I had a counseling appt for today, but she cancelled on me!! I was supposed to see him tonight, but, gee, something came up...(HA HA...)
Posted by coral on October 31, 2002, at 3:50:21
In reply to Re: do i tell him about bpd/eating disorder?? how?? » coral, posted by snowden on October 30, 2002, at 19:22:47
Dear Snowden,
(((Snowden)))) I very little about ED's but is it really a vice? Isn't it a manifestation of an emotional/psychological/biological disorder? (If that's a tactless question, please forgive me.) Sounds to me like you're being really hard on yourself while working hard to get healthy. And that you want a relationship with him. I'm sorry your therapist cancelled!! Sheesh... would've been nice to discuss this... Am I correct but isn't the clock ticking? By that I mean, as you cancel time with him for your ED, he HAS to be thinking something. Does anyone else (friends/family) know about your ED?
Posted by NikkiT2 on October 31, 2002, at 5:58:46
In reply to Re: do i tell him about bpd/eating disorder?? how?? » coral, posted by snowden on October 30, 2002, at 19:22:47
How about starting off and gently telling him about the ed... say you have some mental health problems and that you really need to tell about you ed... don't go over the top, and take it slowly with him.. it will probably be quite a stressful experience for him, and remember he might need some time to come to terms with it.. try not to smother him and emotionally blackmail him during this time (very difficult for us BPD'ers I know, so I hope I'm not talking out of line.. just out fo experience!!)
I'm not telling you things will be plain sailing.. it took up to just befor eour marriage that i really opened up to my husband, and he was angry that I had kept so much from him... and the first year of our marriage was incredibly difficult, and I don't kno whow we survived it.
But, we're just coming up to our 3rd wedding annivrsary and htings have never been better!!! He has read a few books on BPD now and is so much more understanding of me and my problems.. he doesn't give me the pressure he used to for a start.
Good luck. Let us know how things go with him.
Nikki xxx
Posted by judy1 on October 31, 2002, at 11:17:14
In reply to Re: do i tell him about bpd/eating disorder?? how?? » coral, posted by snowden on October 30, 2002, at 19:22:47
I'm so sorry- i've been there, and with a therapist cancelling, well that triggers all the abandonment issues and of course the ED and (si for me). Did she/he reschedule? Have you just started and your therapist doesn't understand your issues? It's just such a no-no to cancel with a BPD patient w/o alternate support- a phone call, another therapist, etc. I think you really understand your issues need to be addressed first- your health is priority here, and at some point with this or another therapist's help, enlist your boyfriend in your recovery. please notice the professional help part. post how you feel and let us help, these are all behaviors of isolation. i'm still dealing- judy
Posted by snowden on October 31, 2002, at 13:20:34
In reply to Re: do i tell him about bpd/eating disorder?? how??, posted by coral on October 31, 2002, at 3:50:21
Coral...
I emailed him last night to tell him at least about the ED, and I feel so much better having done so. At least I don't feel like I'm hiding TOO much now. He called me today to let me know that he got my message and it doesn't sound like he's too scared yet. He really seems like a keeper!! He has been wondering about why I don't spend so much time with him, but he thought it was because I wasn't interested, which was the exact reason as to why I wanted him to know the truth. Time will tell if I've done the right thing, but my heart is telling me that I did. And, yes, my family does know, it's been going on for several years. Being hard on oneself is quite apart of the whole disorder...control freak, perfectionist...the irony of trying to strive for something that truly isn't attainable, yet while trying to control I am exactly the opposite - out of control. :)
Posted by snowden on October 31, 2002, at 13:24:07
In reply to Re: do i tell him about bpd/eating disorder?? how?? » snowden, posted by judy1 on October 31, 2002, at 11:17:14
I really appreciate the support you've given. I did end up telling him at least about my ED...not too many details, but he doesn't seem scared off yet :)
I just wanted to say thanks...
Snowden
Posted by judy1 on October 31, 2002, at 18:36:32
In reply to Thank you all for your insight..., posted by snowden on October 31, 2002, at 13:24:07
This is the end of the thread.
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