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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Greg A. on October 31, 2002, at 21:18:35
Ladies and Gentlemen! I am 50 years old and capable of moderate insight time permitting and if the questions are on the easy side and capable of immense stupidity and oversight with little or no provocation; all the while believing the moderate insight is at work.
12 ECTs completed and two more to go; tomorrow and next Tuesday. No ADs at the moment, a bit of clonazepam, a couple of drinks here and there, and for once I DO mean a couple!! I am off work on accumulated sick leave and told everyone there what I was doing.
I have been married for over twenty years. I have 2 teenage daughters who I described before and whom I love dearly. I have had one affair, before the kids were born, but I have not always been the best husband. I do not treat my wife as something special in my life. I am demanding and intolerant. I am often attracted to tall blond, younger woman, and seem to save my best face for them at times. I am sure this is no secret from my wife but I think she is able to see that I am generally good to the kids; she will not kick me when I am down with depression; and ultimately, she hopes for a return to a special place.
In the event that your TV is down, let me provide you with a daytime soap for your entertainment. Some years ago, this younger, tall, blond, coworker (female, incidentally) informed me that her husband and father of her 2 children, had a girlfriend. I followed the developments in this situation for many many months and became very attracted to the coworker. Nothing ever happened, but not through a lack of effort and correspondence on my part. She returned some of the effort and notes. A couple of years ago I stopped all the crap and stayed away. It hurt, but less so than chasing all the time. And it was easier at home as well.
For some reason, after a couple of ECT treatments, I phoned this coworker. I had resumed infrequent conversations with her prior to this and the worse I felt, the more i seemed to need to talk to her. Now, one of the effects of ECT, at least in my case, is various bits of short term memory loss and confusion. . . . now where did I park the car?? . . . now what did I talk about in that phone conversation . . ??
Last Friday was a professional day for area schools - meaning my wife was at work but the girls were off. They each had a
friend stay over and I got up early to do some renovation work and heard the doorbell ring. It was the police. My first thought was that they were here for something to do with my older daughter as she recently got her driver's license . . . but no - they are here to talk to me. A social worker was with the officer and she explained that I had missed a doc. appointment last week and they needed to talk to me about that. I agreed that i had missed one, in part because my short term memory has been so screwed up, but was not aware that this was a big deal. The cop asked if I had phoned someone named Cara at work. I said I had the one day last week and was not even sure what we had talked about but I thought it was a nice conversation. No harm done. The cop gives me this big story of how depressed he became when his wife left him and how he even had to take ADs to help get back on his feet. The social worker informs me that I have an appointment with my pdoc that day at 3:30 where my doc tells me she has a message to call my boss at work. I am confused. My boss is away so everything will have to wait.
This past Monday I decide to go to my office for a short visit and to see what the big deal is. Cara will not even look at me let alone speak to me. I ask her to give me one minute on the phone and she does. She tells me I threatened her in our phone conversation the previous week. I am thinking, ' . . .Okay, so my memory is fuzzy, but why would I threaten someone for no reason?' I left her an apology (copied to my boss) saying that I had no recollection of being threatening and certainly no intention to do so. I said I hoped that the worst thing I had been through the years we had shared our problems, was a nuisance.
Yes! You guessed it! The cops! Do not ever speak to Cara again. Any attempt to do so will be treated by the courts who do not look kindly on us violent, predatory males. And BTW, the police have my note of the previous day . . . and all my notes from the past.
Well what the ????
This whole thing has done wonders for my state of well being and self worth. I talked to my doc yesterday and she said some people are very frightened of mental illnesses and even though Cara never responded this way before, the words ECT can have a different effect. I asked if it were in any way possible to have done something worthy of such fear, and completely not recall it. She said no, but that my questionable sense of humour could sometimes get me into trouble, such as my email to all staff prior to taking time off for my first ECT. I had no recollection of the email, or at least of the details . . . and then I asked her how she came to have it? . . . . well, wouldn't you know it! The police!!!
Posted by jyl on October 31, 2002, at 21:31:06
In reply to Daytime Soaps . . . apologies to the innocent, posted by Greg A. on October 31, 2002, at 21:18:35
hey-sometimes we feel like we are alone in the world.
people can not feel fear or hate or love from us unless we have touched them in some way.
we are still connected...
even if we dont want to be.
jyl
Posted by NikkiT2 on October 31, 2002, at 22:29:31
In reply to Daytime Soaps . . . apologies to the innocent, posted by Greg A. on October 31, 2002, at 21:18:35
Oh my god hun... that maust have been really freaky... how you feeling baout itnow??
I'd have gone totally mad if someone had done that to me..
You seem to be dealing with it ok.. *hugs*
Nikki
Posted by Dinah on November 4, 2002, at 9:36:31
In reply to Daytime Soaps . . . apologies to the innocent, posted by Greg A. on October 31, 2002, at 21:18:35
I'm so sorry Greg. It's hard to believe that people's attitudes are still the same in this day and age.
And yet, they joke on The View (too lazy to turn the channel) that "Oh, you can't be on an antidepressant. Those are for nuts." and I stare in bewilderment. My Sunday School class reads a book on how prayer can overcome mental illness. And I can't seem to get through to anyone how that is not fair to assume.
For all we are supposed to be an enlightened country, the old views still stick. I just don't understand it.
But I am sorry.
Posted by Greg A. on November 4, 2002, at 15:48:22
In reply to Re: Daytime Soaps . . . apologies to the innocent » Greg A., posted by Dinah on November 4, 2002, at 9:36:31
Thanks Dinah and others for the replies and for the support. I am in a state right now where I am almost willing to believe anything about myself, in fact the worse it is the more believable it becomes to me.
The only good thing to come of this office incident is that I no longer seem to care about Cara's opinion. That's probably something that should have occurred a long time ago. But i would agree that a lot of attitudes about mental illness are not so well hidden and people are just not sure what to say or to do.
For you information, comment, criticism (don't you dare!!) here is my email to all staff, before I left for my course of ECTs:
'Hi all,
No this is not a letter of resignation or even a request for money, though if any of you feel compelled to forward cash . . . feel free.Some of you were here when I had my run in with depression in 1998 and skipped out of work for a month or two. For those who weren't here - you didn't miss much and the assault rifle wasn't loaded anyway.
Rather than let things spread by rumour, which I know is commonly regarded as the most effective means of communication, I am letting you know that I am due for another tune-up. 4 years or 80,000kms. I expect to be back in a month or so.
Mental illness is just that - an illness. It can be treated and therefore it is relatively unlikely I will come looking for those of you who do not send money. It is also a damn fine excuse to get time off work with pay and not have to explain why you are downtown shopping or resting in Hawaii.
Thanks, in advance everyone, for your understanding.
Posted by Dinah on November 4, 2002, at 16:05:11
In reply to Re: Daytime Soaps . . . apologies to the innocent, posted by Greg A. on November 4, 2002, at 15:48:22
Oh, Greg. That would have appeared to me to be an attempt on your part to explain your upcoming absence with humor, so that others didn't feel like they needed to tiptoe around the subject. Especially if you had never shown propensities for violence. I'm sorry your coworkers didn't see it that way. At least your therapist understood. And you've always got us guys here, who won't bat an eyelash, other than to be sorry that you're feeling so badly.
Take care Greg, and keep your sense of humor.
Dinah
This is the end of the thread.
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