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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bookgurl99 on February 14, 2003, at 22:52:05
Didn't get the job. Suicide springs to mind. For four years it has been one form of suffering or another. I moved to a new city, and since then numerous people have let me know in one way or another that they don't want to be my friend. My career, both at school and in the 'real world,' have stalled. I want to drill a hole in my head and let my brains spill out and become the garbage everyone sees me as.
How I feel:
Like a piece of paper a bar pick-up’s number is scribbled on before being shoved into a back pocket.
A lone lime-colored sock in the bottom of the dresser with no match. A two-for-the-price-of-one coupon for two for the price of one of something you don’t need or want. Hip glasses for a blind man. A box of sugar cubes at a diabetic’s convention. A hole in the head.
A To Do list from a year ago. A ballot cast for Gore in Florida. A tongue without a mouth. A word without a meaning.
I am the last crumbs of broken-off mint left in the bottom of the glass container at the restaurant, the pieces that no one, not even the desperately hungry bus boy, will eat.
I am a word of forgiveness once your beloved has died.
I am the flowers on the grave.
I am a broken bath tub. I am the vending machine that steals your money. I am worthless.
Posted by bozeman on February 15, 2003, at 0:08:57
In reply to feeling worthless --apologies to blog readers, posted by bookgurl99 on February 14, 2003, at 22:52:05
Feel worthless? OK, can accept that. Are worthless? No, don't buy that, not by a long shot.
No mistake, real or imagined, changes your worth as a human being. It is as real and constant as the air we breathe. You didn't get the job, I know you reeeaaallly wanted it, and I'm so sorry. Maybe there's a *better* job with your name on it, that you don't know about yet?
Nothing I can say will lessen your disappointment, but don't ever think you are worthless, or don't deserve the very best that life has to offer. You are a spirited, talented writer and a caring soul. Colorful and very creative. We would miss you, the world would miss you.
Wrap your arms around yourself in a great big hug from me, and from everyone else on this board who cares about you, and if you don't feel better in a few minutes *please* call someone and get help!!! Don't you *dare* harm yourself and deprive us of your light and wit. We would miss you so very much.
Praying for you --
bozeman
Posted by IsoM on February 15, 2003, at 1:19:25
In reply to feeling worthless --apologies to blog readers, posted by bookgurl99 on February 14, 2003, at 22:52:05
Like bozeman said, you're NOT worthless. You know what, bookgurl? This society has little value of what true worth is any more. Everything is planned around short term use & getting something new. It's all hype, bells & whistles, & fancy marketing. Those of us that don't market ourselves with lots of flash & false claims, fall by the way side.
I love the little town I live in (near Vancouver, BC). There's a predominance of small businesses & people working for themselves. Around here, it's not that hard to start your own small business as long as you don't want to get rich on it. Lots of artsy folks & ways of making a decent living without selling yourself to big corporations. All that's needed is the will to work diligently & be creative in coming up with diff ways of earning money. It helps to diversify too.
Maybe you need to move to a smaller town near a big city. That way, you'll get the cosmopolitan open-minded view & not the small-minded mentality like some small towns. But you'll also get a more community centred helpfulness that small towns can have. I can't begin to list all the small businesses that people have started up over the years & are successful. Word of mouth counts a lot & people prefer to use the local businesses here.
Posted by bookgurl99 on February 15, 2003, at 13:15:52
In reply to Re: feeling worthless --apologies to blog readers » bookgurl99, posted by bozeman on February 15, 2003, at 0:08:57
Thanks for your caring message. I feel much better today.
I got in touch with some friends last night and talked and got support and felt better. They pointed out that the position I applied for is for a youth group that serves a lot of boys, and currently has no male staff. The boys really need a male role model and someone to confide in in a way that they can't with a woman. A man _was_ hired for the position. I'm sure that that wasn't the only factor, but in the shoes of the organization, I would have probably hired a man if he seemed capable. So can't take it so personally.
It's just hard. I'm really unhappy at my job, and I've really been struggling for years, only to wind up in failure. I feel at the end of my rope, out of energy to pick myself up for another try.
But thanks for breaking the link between feeling worthless and being worthless. :D
Posted by bookgurl99 on February 15, 2003, at 13:17:22
In reply to Re: feeling worthless - an idea? » bookgurl99, posted by IsoM on February 15, 2003, at 1:19:25
Thanks for your idea. I think you're right that the problem may be a bit geographic.
I've been wanting to move the Vancouver area for a while. That's something I've been working towards, so I'll look into small towns around there. Maybe we can be neighbors someday. :D
Posted by bluedog on February 16, 2003, at 0:23:18
In reply to feeling worthless --apologies to blog readers, posted by bookgurl99 on February 14, 2003, at 22:52:05
> Didn't get the job. Suicide springs to mind.
>As long as it only SPRINGS to mind...REMEMBER that springs actually bounce back. Think of the suspension in a new sports car:) :). (By the way...I'm way ahead of you... SO don't you DARE start making comments that your not a new sports car but an old clapped out bomb with sagging springs.......some of the oldest cars can be lovingly restored and end up being worth an absolute fortune)
==================================================================================================> How I feel:
>
Been there done that...just keep focusing on our forthcoming date.
==================================================================================================> A To Do list from a year ago. A ballot cast for Gore in Florida. A tongue without a mouth. A word without a meaning.
>Don't forget your NEW to do list
1. Go on date arranged with bluedog
2. Have a really great time on date with bluedog
3. Do many other things ALMOST as good as
going on a date with bluedog.
4. Stick around to cheer up bluedog when he's
feeling bad or kick him up the ass because he
didn't have the guts to talk to Yoga Girl at
class this week.
5. spend some time reading other peoples
blogs. By the way here's a link to a blog
that I always enjoy reading along with
your blog (http://cazmatic.blogspot.com/ )
Just bear in mind you might not underdstand
everything in this blog because there are
some specifically aussie references on some
days...but these girls have some amazing
insight. Besides it will be a challenge for
you to try and make sense of the purely
Aussie references.
==================================================================================================Booky, my thoughts are with you!!!!
Did I ever tell you that I had really great academic record from the particular studies I undertook and I actually got interviews with EVERY major employer in town but I did not end up getting a job with ANY of them. I'm talking over 15 interviews over a two week period. Geez I felt like real shite!!!!!! That was 6 years ago and I'm still here hanging on. But you know what....Fuck them all.
STILL thinking of you with my warmest thoughts
love bluedog
Posted by bookgurl99 on February 16, 2003, at 8:57:24
In reply to Re: feeling worthless --apologies to blog readers, posted by bluedog on February 16, 2003, at 0:23:18
Bluedog,
your message really made me laugh. unfortunately it broke up my anomie and made me realize i was having a good ol' time wallowing in sadness.
you know, feeling bad can feel kind of good -- that's probably why i kept touching the ache once the initial crying went away. but feeling good actually feels even better.###
and yes, suicide only _sprung_ to mind. in terms of, i'm not getting anywhere, i'm a failure, i'll never do anything with my life, so why not just end it now? i didn't line up my ginsu knives or anything.
i have really tried hard to progress in my career, and for 4 years i've been utterly stalled. it sucks. you story about your interviews made me laugh. i realized i'm not the only one. did you _eventually_ get a job? :D
###i am not forgetting my new to-do list. sorry i didn't respond on that thread yet. when are you gonna be in NYC?
###
:D
Posted by bluedog on February 16, 2003, at 10:31:46
In reply to Re: feeling worthless » bluedog, posted by bookgurl99 on February 16, 2003, at 8:57:24
> Bluedog,
> your message really made me laugh.
>That I am really happy about:) :) :) :) :)
==================================================================================================
> i didn't line up my ginsu knives or anything.
>I've actually done this before but it made me feel really ill so I qiuickly put them back into their sheaves.
==================================================================================================
> did you _eventually_ get a job? :D
> ###
>Yeah I eventually got a really shitty job dealing with psycho's who threaten to kill me every day. When I'm depresed I actually encourage them to get it over and done with quickly:) :). I'm still stuck in that shitty job with an even shittier boss....at least some of my colleagues are great which is the only thing that keeps me going at work everyday...when I'm well enough that is to make it into work that is
==================================================================================================> i am not forgetting my new to-do list. sorry i didn't respond on that thread yet. when are you gonna be in NYC?
>
> ###
> :DGeez...of course your unecessary apology is accepted. Bob moved that thread to the archives anyway. I'm gonna be in NYC as soon as my shitty boss gets off my back and actually lets me take the annual leave I'm entitled too (they stole some annual leave from me last year) and when they start paying me like their supposed to.
==================================================================================================By the way did you enjoy the blog link I sent you...especially todays blog titled "Forgive me, Father, for swinging my tire lever at the prick in the green Volvo" Some very provocative opinions about the Catholic Church that had me doubled over in fits of laughter :) :).
As it's now past midnight where I live and I have to confront my shitty boss again tomorrow morning (sorry I meant THIS morning) I am going to bed now.
By the way if you move to Vancouver to become Iso's new neighbour won't the San Fransisco option then become more practical for our date?
Maybe we can arrange for Iso to chaperone us on our date. You do realise that I am devilishly handsome (Iso can probably confirm this for you) and I wouldn't want you to suddenly feel obligated to start "batting for the other team" :) :) :).
see ya soon Booky.
Another couple of kisses for you on each cheek
bluedog
Posted by bozeman on February 17, 2003, at 19:48:00
In reply to Re: feeling worthless --apologies to blog readers » bozeman, posted by bookgurl99 on February 15, 2003, at 13:15:52
>
> It's just hard. I'm really unhappy at my job, and I've really been struggling for years, only to wind up in failure. I feel at the end of my rope, out of energy to pick myself up for another try.
>
> But thanks for breaking the link between feeling worthless and being worthless. :DI know it feels like failure, but I wish you didn't look at it that way. You do *have* a job (that seems to allow you time and energy enough to look for another one, and that's not always the case) and it leaves you with enough creative energy to write some amazing things (jobs sometimes drain the very essence out of you.) I'm not saying your life is all roses blah blah but please don't think of yourself as a failure. A work in progress, maybe, but not a failure.
:-)
bozeman
Posted by lostsailor on February 22, 2003, at 20:16:06
In reply to Re: feeling worthless --apologies to blog readers, posted by bozeman on February 17, 2003, at 19:48:00
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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