Shown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by whiterabbit on May 4, 2003, at 19:11:07
I used to fear what a lot of people fear: that 5 years from now, 10 years from now, I'll be stuck in the same rut - still doing the same old thing.
Now, I'm trying not to panic because my life is changing dramatically and the only thing for certain is that I WON'T be doing the same old thing 5 or 10 years from now. People are never happy.Now I'm living in limbo. The SSA turned down my application for disability benefits, but my therapist says that they always turn down everybody the first time. She says to wait it out if I can, to stay at home for now while I appeal the SSA's rather vague decision (they agreed that I had no business being around patients - I still get confused and disoriented under stress, and a mislabeled x-ray film can have tragic consequences...if anybody doubts this, I know stories...but the SSA says that I'm not too disabled for "other types of work". They don't say what types of work but I guess they're right,I could start cooking up some meth in the basement). I've decided that I don't want the house, somewhere down the road I'll sell my half to the ex, but right now I need some help from the social security system that I've been paying into for the last 23 years. So I can get out of here.
For now I'm doing the housewife thing for the first time in my life and I'm kind of enjoying it, just staying at home and cleaning and cooking.
I guess "housewife" isn't the appropriate term since it implies that I have a husband somewhere, and this person I live with is no longer interested in being a husband. Or not mine anyway.I'm pretty sure I know who it is. A co-worker and
new divorcee who came along just in time to rescue this unhappy man from his mid-life crisis,
his little affair is almost laughable in its timing and ordinariness - almost. It's hard to laugh at betrayal.The only variable is that the "other woman" need not be young, or beautiful, or exceptional in any way. Not that he would MIND, you understand, but
these are not prerequisites. The important thing is that she's someone 1)new and different 2)normal. My husband craves routine and predictability like people in Hell crave ice water. My craziness has worn him out. While other men his age are searching for excitement, he wants stability. And I'll be the first one to admit that I've put him through quite a lot. Although I'm much, much better now, getting better all the time, it's too little and too late
for him.He rolled in quite late the other night, sometime after the bars closed, and he was still sleeping it off around noon when I opened his bedroom door to let the dogs out. I could smell beer and old socks, it was like right out of the "Man Show". I drink myself, but I do my drinking at home. I was quite the Wild Thang when I was younger since, like most bipolars, I always did things in a big way. We don't shop or drink or drug or gamble or have sex like everyone else; whatever our vices are, we go all-out. There's no "moderation valve" installed in our brains. So, after many many years
of trying to kill myself through unhealthy living,
I've got the bar-hopping and party-going out of my system. I enjoy my own company and solitary pursuits like reading, writing, and painting. I no longer feel the need to spend a great deal of money on cheap liquor and loud music, or at least I didn't feel the need before this pesky divorce business came along. Maybe later, I don't know.That's one of the reasons my husband doesn't like me, I never want to go out and have "fun". I'm anti-social and wierd, I don't fit in (although I can be quite charming when I'm lucid). So I'm sure that's a major attribute in the new woman,
she knows how to have a good time. (I've never met her, but I've known my husband for 20 years.
I know him pretty well.) She'll drink with him and dance with him and she won't laugh because
most men who dance - unless they're doing something as specific as a two-step or waltz - most men who dance look like frogs in a blender.So while he was out the other night with the drinking pals and/or the mistress, spending lots of money to get drunk and drive home at the peril of all others on the road, I was at home with a bottle of good red wine and the History Channel, working on a portrait of Queen Elizabeth I. But, I'm the crazy one. I'm abnormal.
If I had a choice to go back to the mental ward or to join the Norms in their country club, I know which way I would go.
-Gracie
Posted by coral on May 4, 2003, at 19:39:23
In reply to Psychs vs. Norms, posted by whiterabbit on May 4, 2003, at 19:11:07
Dearest SnowBunny,
I don't know if this helps or even applies, but going through my own version of hell (serious clinical depression) fractured my marriage, I thought, beyond repair. True, there wasn't another woman, but just lives apart. Once I was on the mend, my husband informed me that he didn't think he was strong enough for me, found life with me boring, etc., so we continued to "live apart" in the same house. (I'd moved into my own private quadrant in the house during the depression) and now I stayed there, although I so desperately wanted us to start our lives again. After months of this non-living, I filed for divorce and he moved out. We were separated for a year and now, a few years post-depression, our marriage is spectacular. I would've sworn it was done, although I knew I'd always love him. Turns out I was wrong about us being done and right about always loving him.
What is it that you want? Are you done w/the marriage, too? It hurts like the blazes.
((((((Gracie)))))Coral
Posted by shar on May 4, 2003, at 23:31:53
In reply to Re: Psychs vs. Norms, posted by coral on May 4, 2003, at 19:39:23
what Coral said...are you done, too?
And, a note...it is strange but true that often times marriages/relationships don't fall through during the bad times (trauma of whatever origin), but once things are on the mend. Like the woman who ousts her alcoholic husband after years of hell, and he sobers up and starts a new life. So, the woman who hung in gets the shaft.
It just seems similar, because you have been doing so much better, and you hchchhhusband decides now that he doesn't want to continue the marriage. And betrays you.
If I didn't know any better, I'd wonder if there was some unconscious motivation on his part to get you back to where you were, so things could go back to normal. But, that's pure speculation.
I am feeling for you lots. Norms? Keep em.
Shar
Posted by whiterabbit on May 5, 2003, at 16:56:44
In reply to Re: Psychs vs. Norms, posted by shar on May 4, 2003, at 23:31:53
Each morning I wake up a little more calm and a little more accepting, but I was PMSing or something this weekend and got a little weepy. I marched up to my husband, who was relaxing in front of the TV, and I said, "Someday you might get sick, too, you know."
He sighed loudly and I said, "You might." Then I turned and walked off.Well guess what. Last night he had a heart attack.
I feel like I'm living in a soap opera these days.
This morning I got up and packed a bag for him -
I knew pretty much what he would be wanting, having been hospitalized 3 times in the last 3 years for psychiatric reasons - and went to see him in ICU. The first thing I said was, "Well isn't this a change."He looked very pale and tired and a little frightened. He's had a cardiac cath and the doctor showed me before and after x-ray pictures of the artery that was blocked. He'll be in ICU for at least one more night, then they'll move him to another floor and keep an eye on him for a day or two just to be sure.
I had been with him for about half an hour when the nurse came in and said to my husband, "You have another visitor, there's a young lady here to see you." I turned around and glared at him, and then I got ready to walk around the bed and yank the IVs right out of his arm. I figured I could probably get the catheter out too before they dragged me away, but it was just Lauren, my son's girlfriend. Damn good thing for him.
Aside from that dramatic moment, I've been wonderfully detached from all this...not to be nasty, but a couple of months ago this person announced that he didn't love me anymore and that he intended to end our 20-year relationship because he "deserved a chance to be happy".Since then he's been coming and going like he's single already, ignoring my grief, unconcerned that my own heart was breaking. Pretty ironic, eh?
I guess those voodoo dolls DO work.
-Gracie
Posted by monkeypaw on May 6, 2003, at 17:12:23
In reply to Snowbunny's magical powers-Coral/Shar, posted by whiterabbit on May 5, 2003, at 16:56:44
do you love this guy? why are you even bothering with him, get on with your life
Posted by whiterabbit on May 6, 2003, at 19:39:59
In reply to Re: Snowbunny's magical powers-Coral/Shar, posted by monkeypaw on May 6, 2003, at 17:12:23
No, I don't love him now. In just a few short weeks I've come full circle. How can you love anyone that looks you in the eye and lies, and lies and lies. How can you love anyone whose idea of a good time is hooting out the most intimate, personal things about you to all his drunk friends. Who thinks nothing about the time, or thought, or money, or care that you've devoted to his dinner, his laundry, a gift, a gesture, something you did just for him in an effort to finally make him happy; it was never quite right, never good enough, and never appreciated.
A friend of his told me, "Well, he's just done. He's done with you."
And I'm done with him.
-Gracie
Posted by monkeypaw on May 6, 2003, at 20:11:57
In reply to The point of no return » monkeypaw, posted by whiterabbit on May 6, 2003, at 19:39:59
i maqy appear to be new here, howefver i have been reading for a few months now. I find you writing incredible, outstanding yet so sad. I am not poet, no one special, just someone who is trying to deal with many things. Your insight, humor, everything i find myself looking forward to seeing what you have to say. Not that other people aren't as awe to me as you. I went through what i may believe was something similar to you (from what I have read). I don't know how you can even stay in the same house with this man. I also know that there are two sides to every story. Yours is great.I wish you the strenghth and power to move on with your life and to be happy with yourself. Thats the fist step. You should be very proud and.... i don't have the words as you, but you should have not doubt in your mind that you can survive and thrive without this man. Thank you
Posted by Kar on May 6, 2003, at 23:00:41
In reply to Snowbunny's magical powers-Coral/Shar, posted by whiterabbit on May 5, 2003, at 16:56:44
Gracie-
I've been following your posts and am happy that you're doing better.>How can you love anyone that looks you in the eye and lies, and lies and lies.
Oh so easily! You deserve a sh**load more credit than you are giving yourself. Really, I think about myself a few years ago and how incredibly long it took me to get past it all...well completely different situations, of course. But my point is that you brush off your strides by attributing them to merely "natural" reactions...what you SHOULD feel right now after such a hurricane. It doesn't usually work that way. It usually takes a while to get just to the point where you are. I remember my sister saying to me, "Think about how long you were together (5 and 1/2 years: see? different situations- and we weren't married either)...you can't expect to get over something like this or to stop loving him right away."...well I really didn't. I mean REALLY. I was talking to him, still spending some time with him (self-initiated).I was fully aware that what he'd done to me was dispicable...all those years...everything I'd done for him, blah blah blah. You see, though, that doesn't always register right away. i couldn't stop the way I felt even in light of the circumstances. So high five to you.
I'm sure it will continue for a while- harder sometimes than others, but damn you should be proud. Really.> He looked very pale and tired and a little frightened.
The symbolism of the tables turning is blatantly smacking you on the head! Wow. It IS like a soap opera!>there's a young lady here to see you.
Excuse me while I remove my stomach from my big toe. Whew!! Can't imagine what I'd have done...fun to envision tho.>deserved a chance to be happy
Boggles the mind.> I guess those voodoo dolls DO work.
Walmart?Hang in there,
karen
Posted by shar on May 6, 2003, at 23:01:22
In reply to Snowbunny's magical powers-Coral/Shar, posted by whiterabbit on May 5, 2003, at 16:56:44
I honor the master of the powerful magic words: White Rabbit. I guess it's true, what the Queen of Hearts said, that words can mean anything she wants them to. She forgot to say 'and do anything she wants them to.' Now that's something I can aspire to, and it renews my beliefs a bit in power.
OTOH, you are being SO MUCH MORE generous and kind and caring and considerate than I would be during this time. I would have called 911 and pointed to him, saying there he is, take him away. Let someone else worry about his clean underwear and toothbrush. That's probably why I rack up so many karma lessons.
And, I can't help but wonder how impressed his new tootsie will be with a guy in ICU, who can't hit the bars like he used to, nor come and go for a while at least. I bet you, White Rabbit, are gonna be nice enough to let him come home to recuperate...when a hotel room would do just as well and you wouldn't have to wait on him while he's sick.
Sorry I can't muster a little more sympathy for him. I just don't want YOU to put yourself out for this fellow who needs to leave his wife so he has a chance at happiness. He won't appreciate anything you do.
Now, can you say a few magic words for me about financial security and health insurance, or something along those lines? I'll be most appreciative, and owe you one to boot.
Please take care of YOU (((WR)))
Shar
Posted by leeran on May 7, 2003, at 2:06:21
In reply to The point of no return » monkeypaw, posted by whiterabbit on May 6, 2003, at 19:39:59
Gracie,
Heart attack or no heart attack, I think you are light years beyond your husband in terms of spirit and character. I had to step back from the heart attack post for a day or so. The urge to turn cartwheels was a bit overwhelming on the first read and I didn’t want to come off sounding like a cheerleader for the cardiac Gods. My God is a punitive God, and there’s a myocardial infarction on my chart. Enough said.
My observation (although prescription drug induced) is this: your very essence screams volumes through your words alone. Given the nature of what you share here, it’s mind-boggling to imagine what the 3D Gracie must really be like.
Some people never understand that which is rare and beautiful, even after twenty years in the same house, the same room, the same bed. That’s the impression I get of your husband. Nice enough guy but not enough upstairs for Gracie.
I stayed with my first husband ten years after he was unfaithful to me. The mental image of him in some generic hotel room with a woman whose name he didn’t even know never faded BUT, like you, I walked away with the best of him – and the best of me: our son. Those were ten years well spent considering the bounty.
A friend of mine once called my ex-husband the “perfect guy next door.” I was reminded of that when I read one of your other posts (the light bulb incident). My ex-husband was one of those guys who never met a stranger, but didn’t bother getting to know his family.
He’s remarried now, with a young daughter and a wife who is eleven years younger and threatens to divorce him every three or four months like I used to have to do. Sad to say, it’s what keeps him “in line.” What irony it is (for me) that she spends hours on end talking to my son when he comes to visit. I know how she feels. I missed having someone to talk to when I was married to him, too.
I used to compare him to a puppy on a leash, always straining ahead – looking for the next opportunity (of course, after two marriages, several refrigerators and a cross-country move I'm not sure I'm much different).
Considering our "tit for tat" relationship that spanned nearly two decades, I am shocked that I don’t get a bigger charge out of knowing he isn’t all that happy. I suppose some of the mad wore off when I moved 2000 miles away. It’s harder to push the familiar buttons when you have to reach clear across the great plains, the southwest and the Mojave desert. That and ten plus years has taken the edge off of that old hurt that got so heavy to carry around after awhile.
In the five or six weeks since I’ve been visiting it seems like there's been a real shift in your posts. It seems like you’ve gotten to this place that’s way beyond resolve. Again, maybe it’s the four meds I’m taking, but I see this expectancy in your words that I didn’t see when I first started reading your posts. By the way, I’ve always read your posts because (a) they’re usually pretty darned funny (b) they’re always pretty darned informative (c) I used to wonder in my first days here if you were Grace Slick (so I always picture a much younger Grace Slick pounding away at the keyboard).
After going through two divorces I’m always curious to hear how others view the entire outhouse process (stinky, “in the way,” and necessary). Brothers in arms, if you will. Of course, I think you’ve been better armed than I ever was – after all, I’m just learning how to shoot a b.b. gun.
Something tells me that ten years from now you’re going to know what it’s like to really be appreciated for who you are. Not everyone is looking for a Stepford wife. Some people actually do appreciate a good conversation, or a really big laugh, or just sitting and doing a crossword puzzle while you write your next novel or paint the Gracie version of “The Last Supper.”
Since reading the heart attack post (and now this one), two lines from a Doors song keep repeating in my head:
“You men eat your dinner, eat your pork and beans. I eat more chicken than any man ever seen.”
That’s how I bet it will end up for you in this divorce deal. He’s going to end up eating out of the can – and you’re going to end up at the big table.
Lee
P.S The day after I knew things were headed for the bricks in my SECOND failed attempt at marriage I stayed home from work (literally sick to my stomach) and ended up seeing what I call my watershed movie. It was such a goofy/corny movie, but it gave me the strangest sense of hope (Fellini be d*mned – I go for schmaltzy “B” movies every time). The strangest things can mark the fork in the road for me. This movie is the other thing that comes to mind when I’ve read your last few posts. I can really feel hope in your words! It seems like you’ve done a lot of introspection and you really believe in yourself – and it is totally infectious. Your posts leave me a feeling a little bit twitterpated, like spring isn’t such a bad thing after all! (Now it's time for my sleeping pill :)
Posted by whiterabbit on May 8, 2003, at 11:26:46
In reply to The point of many returns » whiterabbit, posted by leeran on May 7, 2003, at 2:06:21
Just finished (re)reading your wonderful words, because you all give me strength, and hope, and make me laugh ("There he is, take him away." Love it, love it.) Then I was thinking how terrible it was that I could walk right past any of you on the street and never say a word because I wouldn't know it was you. (Would I?)
But then I thought, maybe here is another lesson for you. We always attach so much importance to outward appearance and - worse - material possessions. When in reality, our bodies are nothing more than vehicles for our souls to get around in while we're down here on earth...they're just cars. I'll never forget this comment from Wayne Dyer: "We aren't human beings having a spiritual experience. We're spiritual beings having a human experience." Damn, I feel like the Grinch who stole Christmas.
So the fact that we're all faceless to each other, here on this website, isn't a factor. Our souls do connect when we recognize a kindred spirit. Is that too mushy? We all have lessons to teach each other, like: there is life after madness. There is life after depression. There is life after divorce (I'm still working on that one).
Still, you do need some material things to get by comfortably. I'm not living in no box or tent when I move on outta here. So I'm getting out my notebook and starting a list of THINGS GOING WITH ME, and first on my list is the computer. I can't lose ya'll now, no way.
-Gracie
P.S. What the hell is a cracky?
Posted by noa on May 8, 2003, at 19:48:42
In reply to ANOTHER lesson, by cracky! (To Everyone), posted by whiterabbit on May 8, 2003, at 11:26:46
And you are a great spokesperson for spirit--because, by cracky, you have so darn much of it!!
PS, I have no idea what cracky is or where that expression is from. It is SO not in my repetoire, but maybe you've changed that!
Posted by shar on May 8, 2003, at 22:37:45
In reply to Re: ANOTHER lesson, by cracky! (To Everyone) » whiterabbit, posted by noa on May 8, 2003, at 19:48:42
White & Noa,
That is so true, we do manage to connect in significant ways through our madness (I use the word loosely, because who says WE'RE the mad ones?), and sanity (again, loosely).Wise words from two who are dealing with significantly hard issues right now. I'm still sending positive thoughts y'all's way.
Shar
This is the end of the thread.
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